Need advise!
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Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 20
Need advise!
I posted a couple days ago. I told my recovering AH that I was moving out and moving to Texas where my daughter and grandchildren are, I currently live in North Carolina. At the moment, both me and AH, are sad, hurting and confused. My head is swirling in ALL DIRECTIONS, I cry and question my choice constantly, yet still I am making plans to move forward with my plans, i.e., reserved moving truck today, changed the power bill to his name, etc.! AH, DOES NOT want me to go, but stated once that truck pulls off, our marriage will be over! He did not say it mean or hateful! This is once again, crushing my soul! I have tried to explain, I am not seeking a divorce at this time, a true separation! I am terrified!!!! He said, I am welcome back anytime, I realize and am prepared if that changes and realize I can't have it both ways, just so confused. Please share some words of wisdom or advise!! I struggle from minute to minute with, this could be the best or worst thing I ever do, again, I am terrified!
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
One day at a time.
I love my husband. We live in separate places. I'm enjoying new experiences, healing space and healthy environments.
What can you do for yourself in this day to bring peace, balance and some breathing room for yourself? Perhaps a night away, an evening out or an hour at an Al-anon meeting? Life changes. That's a given. (((hugs)))
I love my husband. We live in separate places. I'm enjoying new experiences, healing space and healthy environments.
What can you do for yourself in this day to bring peace, balance and some breathing room for yourself? Perhaps a night away, an evening out or an hour at an Al-anon meeting? Life changes. That's a given. (((hugs)))
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Your husband's statement sounds like it comes from both a place of fear and attempts at emotional manipulation. Consider the source. He's ill. He's in a turmoil.
Kindness to self and others is often done by setting boundaries, taking care of ourselves first and then being able to show up in new ways, emotionally, physically and psychologically.
Kindness to self and others is often done by setting boundaries, taking care of ourselves first and then being able to show up in new ways, emotionally, physically and psychologically.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 20
Originally Posted by Mango212 
Your husband's statement sounds like it comes from both a place of fear and attempts at emotional manipulation. Consider the source. He's ill. He's in a turmoil.
Kindness to self and others is often done by setting boundaries, taking care of ourselves first and then being able to show up in new ways, emotionally, physically and psychologically.
Kindness to self and others is often done by setting boundaries, taking care of ourselves first and then being able to show up in new ways, emotionally, physically and psychologically.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,609
Sounds perfectly normal to me. You don't want to leave him, necessarily, but you also know that it is the best thing for you and possibly for both of you.
That can't be easy!
Nothing is written in stone at this point, you know you need a separation and that is how you are proceeding. All you can do is keep doing the next right thing (for you). If you were happy and content you wouldn't be leaving.
Perhaps think of this as taking your time and deciding what you want in your life going forward.
A good tool is to take some time and write down all the reasons you are leaving. Refer to that list often. You didn't come up with this on a whim but it's easy to forget when panicking or when you start to look at only the "good".
That can't be easy!
Nothing is written in stone at this point, you know you need a separation and that is how you are proceeding. All you can do is keep doing the next right thing (for you). If you were happy and content you wouldn't be leaving.
Perhaps think of this as taking your time and deciding what you want in your life going forward.
A good tool is to take some time and write down all the reasons you are leaving. Refer to that list often. You didn't come up with this on a whim but it's easy to forget when panicking or when you start to look at only the "good".
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
DragonflyPeace…...From what you have shared....I don't think you are asking m ore than you have given.....During the last 8 years while he was relapsed and lived with his alcoholism and the chaos....that was quite a "separation" from you....wasn't it? …...and, he is unwilling to give you time with your own children and grandchildren.....To me. that just doesn't
sound balanced and fair.....
You have a deep pull and need to "step away and breathe".....I think that this is a genuine need that you have and, I think that you can't go wrong when you put your own welfare as the first priority in your life....you have not been doing that, for a long time!!
Nobody knows, for sure, how the future is going to unfold....not even him...lol.
We all have to face life as it unfolds....but, if you don't put your own welfare first, who else is going to??
How else are you going to know if what you feel is the kind of love an intimate marriage should have...or, is it a feeling of long familiarity and safety...the "known".
In life, we don't always get to keep those that we feel that we "love"....sometimes, it is necessary to love from a distance for our own self preservation....
He is entitled to his own reactions and feelings, of course. How he manages those will be up to him....just like your own feelings are your own and you take the responsibility of managing them.....
Just because you feel overwhelming guilt....doesn't mean that it is justified....if you have done nothing wrong....and, I do NOT think it is wrong to care for your own welfare.
As I said before....I think enabling is comprised of, in large part, misguided guilt and obligation......
sound balanced and fair.....
You have a deep pull and need to "step away and breathe".....I think that this is a genuine need that you have and, I think that you can't go wrong when you put your own welfare as the first priority in your life....you have not been doing that, for a long time!!
Nobody knows, for sure, how the future is going to unfold....not even him...lol.
We all have to face life as it unfolds....but, if you don't put your own welfare first, who else is going to??
How else are you going to know if what you feel is the kind of love an intimate marriage should have...or, is it a feeling of long familiarity and safety...the "known".
In life, we don't always get to keep those that we feel that we "love"....sometimes, it is necessary to love from a distance for our own self preservation....
He is entitled to his own reactions and feelings, of course. How he manages those will be up to him....just like your own feelings are your own and you take the responsibility of managing them.....
Just because you feel overwhelming guilt....doesn't mean that it is justified....if you have done nothing wrong....and, I do NOT think it is wrong to care for your own welfare.
As I said before....I think enabling is comprised of, in large part, misguided guilt and obligation......
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
DragonflyPeace…..I suspect that your "panic" feeling is really coming from Miss Co-dependency's visit.....She is such a B****! Everytime one is trying to put their own welfare first.....she shows up with a smile and wearing a Sunday dress.....
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