Update post: One year later
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 123
Update post: One year later
Hello SR! Not sure if anyone will remember me, but since today is the one year anniversary of the day that I left my AH and began building a life I could live with, I thought I'd come back and post a quick update.
I gained so much insight into myself and my situation from all of you here on SR - thank you so much for your experience, your wisdom, and your compassion - for me and for each other.
One year later, I am still living with my good friends who took me in the day that I left. It's safe and comfortable and I can afford it.
About a month after I left, I got myself out of the house and headed to an open mic (I'd been playing music for a couple of years after many years as a classical singer) - over the months, I went to many more, made hundreds of musician friends, and met some people who have formed the core of a new social circle that is filled with positive, supportive, loving people who I feel so lucky to know. I am now playing in a duo with a lovely woman I am now grateful to call one of my best friends, and we had our first public paid gig on Friday and it was a smashing success!
I am still working at the job that I was already in when I left - the people there have been supportive and wonderful and some of them have become true friends.
A friend that I met at an open mic gave me a great bicycle they weren't using, so I was able to do some bike commuting when the weather was nice which was great for my health and fitness - it's cold now and I'm sad to have put it away.
I had the inclination to start dating fairly soon after leaving my AH, but I pushed myself to wait and work on my own issues deeply before considering a new relationship. I did eventually do some casual dating, and found I had a new ability to make much healthier choices and end interactions quickly that I could see were not going to be healthy for me or the other person.
A few months ago, I started seeing a man I'd met playing music - he's kind and loving and a joy to be around. Time will tell - I've adopted a personal mantra of "be open to anything and attached to nothing" - it's helped me a lot (among many other things) to get a handle on my codependency.
My AH (our divorce is in process, simple with no children or property but I let it sit for a long time because I wasn't ready to deal with it/was holding onto anxiety about how it would affect my AH), by his own report, has been in therapy since a few weeks after I left and is sober (he did have a few relapses, the last of which landed him in the hospital - he told me long after, our contact has gone from NC to LC over the months as he's gotten some clarity and become more bearable). He is still living in our old apartment and is still caring for the cats. My brother and future-SIL still have regular contact with him and maintain an ongoing friendship.
Far from his early attempts to justify his behavior to me, blame me, etc, etc (you are all familiar with how this goes, regardless of my specific details) I have received what I truly believe was a heartfelt apology for how he treated me and believe he has come a long way in understanding himself and his own actions - I think he is still a long way from having a healthy relationship with himself or anyone else, but he's trying.
His family never contacted me after I left, from his reports some of them (especially his mother, who can be very toxic) made repeated attempts to blame me for the failure of our marriage and he refused to allow it and told them exactly what happened and that it was (in his own words, not mine) "largely if not entirely his fault" (I have grown enough to accept that I played my part). He says they still encourage him to drink, as do some of his closest friends, which makes me sad but doesn't surprise me.
My daughter has been very insulated with her father and stepmom and siblings - it's been painful for me, but I chose to support her need for stability and a safe space after the chaos of my home in the last months/year or so and the year since. While my life works very well for me, hers also is working for her. She's a freshman in a competitive high school and is doing really, really well. Our relationship is somewhat different, but I believe we will survive this and find a new middle ground that may not be perfect but will work for us.
I am so grateful that this place was there when I was frantic and reaching for any solution I could find to a problem I didn't understand.
I reconnected with an old friend back in January who I've become very close to - he said something the other night that really made it clear how far I've come - "You were a different person then. You were insecure and unsure of yourself" - and he was right. Incredible what a year can bring when you really try, for yourself.
I gained so much insight into myself and my situation from all of you here on SR - thank you so much for your experience, your wisdom, and your compassion - for me and for each other.
One year later, I am still living with my good friends who took me in the day that I left. It's safe and comfortable and I can afford it.
About a month after I left, I got myself out of the house and headed to an open mic (I'd been playing music for a couple of years after many years as a classical singer) - over the months, I went to many more, made hundreds of musician friends, and met some people who have formed the core of a new social circle that is filled with positive, supportive, loving people who I feel so lucky to know. I am now playing in a duo with a lovely woman I am now grateful to call one of my best friends, and we had our first public paid gig on Friday and it was a smashing success!
I am still working at the job that I was already in when I left - the people there have been supportive and wonderful and some of them have become true friends.
A friend that I met at an open mic gave me a great bicycle they weren't using, so I was able to do some bike commuting when the weather was nice which was great for my health and fitness - it's cold now and I'm sad to have put it away.
I had the inclination to start dating fairly soon after leaving my AH, but I pushed myself to wait and work on my own issues deeply before considering a new relationship. I did eventually do some casual dating, and found I had a new ability to make much healthier choices and end interactions quickly that I could see were not going to be healthy for me or the other person.
A few months ago, I started seeing a man I'd met playing music - he's kind and loving and a joy to be around. Time will tell - I've adopted a personal mantra of "be open to anything and attached to nothing" - it's helped me a lot (among many other things) to get a handle on my codependency.
My AH (our divorce is in process, simple with no children or property but I let it sit for a long time because I wasn't ready to deal with it/was holding onto anxiety about how it would affect my AH), by his own report, has been in therapy since a few weeks after I left and is sober (he did have a few relapses, the last of which landed him in the hospital - he told me long after, our contact has gone from NC to LC over the months as he's gotten some clarity and become more bearable). He is still living in our old apartment and is still caring for the cats. My brother and future-SIL still have regular contact with him and maintain an ongoing friendship.
Far from his early attempts to justify his behavior to me, blame me, etc, etc (you are all familiar with how this goes, regardless of my specific details) I have received what I truly believe was a heartfelt apology for how he treated me and believe he has come a long way in understanding himself and his own actions - I think he is still a long way from having a healthy relationship with himself or anyone else, but he's trying.
His family never contacted me after I left, from his reports some of them (especially his mother, who can be very toxic) made repeated attempts to blame me for the failure of our marriage and he refused to allow it and told them exactly what happened and that it was (in his own words, not mine) "largely if not entirely his fault" (I have grown enough to accept that I played my part). He says they still encourage him to drink, as do some of his closest friends, which makes me sad but doesn't surprise me.
My daughter has been very insulated with her father and stepmom and siblings - it's been painful for me, but I chose to support her need for stability and a safe space after the chaos of my home in the last months/year or so and the year since. While my life works very well for me, hers also is working for her. She's a freshman in a competitive high school and is doing really, really well. Our relationship is somewhat different, but I believe we will survive this and find a new middle ground that may not be perfect but will work for us.
I am so grateful that this place was there when I was frantic and reaching for any solution I could find to a problem I didn't understand.
I reconnected with an old friend back in January who I've become very close to - he said something the other night that really made it clear how far I've come - "You were a different person then. You were insecure and unsure of yourself" - and he was right. Incredible what a year can bring when you really try, for yourself.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,614
hey glenl - what a great update!
I think it's so important to note how you went about making your life your own and by getting really involved with what you love you made friends and find yourself surrounded by good people.
So happy for you.
I think it's so important to note how you went about making your life your own and by getting really involved with what you love you made friends and find yourself surrounded by good people.
So happy for you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Glenl, phenomenal update! I'm so happy to hear about how your world has expanded and new opportunities have presented themselves. It's wonderful to hear about all your new friends as well as your ability to make good choices about who is healthy and who is toxic for you.
Thanks so much for coming back and letting us know how you're doing. Wishing you continued joy and growth every single day!
Thanks so much for coming back and letting us know how you're doing. Wishing you continued joy and growth every single day!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
glenl…..I am sooo pleased to hear this great update....
I know that it will give inspiration to some others who are in your (former) shoes...…
I love hearing that you feel able to make better decisions and end relationships that show signs of not being good for you....or, the other person.
That is such valuable growth!
I know that it will give inspiration to some others who are in your (former) shoes...…
I love hearing that you feel able to make better decisions and end relationships that show signs of not being good for you....or, the other person.
That is such valuable growth!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 430
Hi glenl,
I was here before you, but recently started checking back in after my divorce was finalized (3 years out). I love hearing about your new life and creativity; so exciting. Also, your point about your old friend telling you that you were a different person with your ex resonates with my experience, too. Several of my friends have told me the same. It's crazy how we can get so enmeshed that we lose track of our own selves.
Congratulations on getting her back.
I was here before you, but recently started checking back in after my divorce was finalized (3 years out). I love hearing about your new life and creativity; so exciting. Also, your point about your old friend telling you that you were a different person with your ex resonates with my experience, too. Several of my friends have told me the same. It's crazy how we can get so enmeshed that we lose track of our own selves.
Congratulations on getting her back.
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