Feeling numb
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 21
Feeling numb
I've had an on and off again relationship with my ABF for 3 years. He tries and wants to be sober. We broke up after his last DWI when he lost he license in May. I got back with him again in September right before he went to rehab again. Needless to say he was sober for 45 days and then started drinking again. He is mentally abusive when he drinks. I told him if he drank again it was over so I ended it with him. He went on a bender and ended up smashing my front window with his fist. He is in jail now. I feel so guilty even though I know it's not my fault. Why was i so week to take him back.
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Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 82
You are not weak .. your heart is hurting and you are grieving the loss of someone you love. My situation is similar ( read my story in this category What is a raging alcoholic). My boyfriend does not admit to a drinking problem and I have not witnessed it only heard on phone and read text messages that were cruel and I believe alcohol fueled. His family history is severely alcoholic so odds are not in his favour. I miss him so much because the good times were so amazing but 1% was dark and beyond cruel. I am seeing a counsellor... it is helping but it hurts so much. I feel your pain..you are not alone. What you feel is normal and a process to navigate. It would be so easy for me to take L back but I will be on eggshells waiting for the next rage. I deserve better and so do you. ♥️
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Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 106
I understand exactly how you feel. I am dealing with the same dysfunctional lifestyle and have been for 6years too long! I keep thinking my ABF is going to get his life together so we can stop wasting time and live a proper healthy life together. But his addiction always gets in the way, and because we live together I have yet to escape it. In August I called the cops on him because he came home so drunk that I literally just broke down and didn't know what to do so i called the cops they came to the house , I basically just told them I live with an alcoholic and I don't know what to do because he won't move out and this is my place. My boyfriend started yelling at the police it ended up with him getting arrested and spending 4 nights in jail. I felt guilty sick to my stomach didn't eat for almost the entire time he was in there. When I talked to him he was crying and claiming he "will never drink again". He got out with probation / community service/ anger management classes. Since this time he has come home drunk and thrown up, lied to me saying he is at work but he has been at the bar in the afternoon and then coming home so incredibly intoxicated . The fights we have are mentally and physically debilitating. I'm clearly at the end of my rope. What I've realized is I certainly don't trust him, I feel like I don't know who he really is. It is IMPOSSIBLE to have a rational conversation with him. AND if I continue to stay this will continue to happen and this is going to be my future. I don't want to live like this and I know he will never change. In the past he has said he knows he has a drinking problem, he has gone to a few AA meetings. But to no avail has any of this made Any improvements. I feel time slipping away fast and I don't want this to be how I spend my time living. Trying to be strong is an understatement it takes much more than that. We are living with people who do not care about our well being let alone theirs. The only way is the hard way and that is to uproot my life and leave. And when he is left with nothing but his bottle of booze then maybe he might think about what's really important in life. Or maybe not. But we can't rot away with them. That is no way to live. My heart and thoughts are with you. I hope with all my heart you come out with a success story. Xox
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Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 184
Originally Posted by mp315 
Thank you Amusic and Meadow. I feel so alone. I never wanted any of this. I cant believe this is my life now
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Join Date: Nov 2018
Location: Somerset County, NJ
Posts: 70
It's hard loving an addict; I will tell you not to feel bad but of course you will. I broke up with mine AX after he went back to drinking three days out of a three month rehab. He is basically drinking himself to death and has given up. We are almost powerless..But do not feel alone and take care of yourself. You will find a lot of support here.,
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,647
Not weak, mp- human.
You do, however need (and I mean NEED) to look after you- to be safe, happy and grow. Support groups (and SR) are useful- like al-anon. Maybe your local community centre has women's support groups?
Prayers and support to you, prayers for your ex.
You do, however need (and I mean NEED) to look after you- to be safe, happy and grow. Support groups (and SR) are useful- like al-anon. Maybe your local community centre has women's support groups?
Prayers and support to you, prayers for your ex.
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Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 11
I am sorry you’re going through this and I do understand. I’m in the process of doing what I can to get my ABF out of my life and it’s not easy. I get to the point of thinking Im ready and I go through with the steps and then few days later I’m right back and as miserable as ever.
I wish their was an easy way, but the best I’ve found is being here on this forum with others who understand
I wish their was an easy way, but the best I’ve found is being here on this forum with others who understand
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Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 66
I know it’s difficult. It has been for me. I think we have to recognize when we experience symptoms a type of compassion fatigue and go into self care mode (abc: awareness, boundaries, connectedness). The numbness is a good indicator that something must change or you are going to be damaged or even damage yourself. I can only offer you a glimpse of what I went through but it may help you gain a perspective on what your future looks like. I know I experienced a type of vicarious trauma with my partner’s messed up addiction cycle and I am still working through that. My partner of 25 years is now in recovery since May. Wonderful to see the incredible and sincere progress but our relationship broke down in the end. I am a happier, kinder, more engaged person without this relationship. Keep in touch with yourself! Hug.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I feel so alone. I never wanted any of this. I cant believe this is my life now
It’s the questions like, why did/do we take them back that need are full attention. Do we allow toxic love to cloud our vision and healthy future. Do we have an unrealistic expectation about love and devotion? Those answers are the key to our own future happiness.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 21
Thanks everyone for the responses. I really appreciate them. It's good to know I'm not alone. I'm having a hard time right now. He has hit his rock bottom and I can't help him. He's begging me not to leave him and that he wants to get better.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Hi mp315,
You are not alone.
Here's a little info on trauma bonds.
One day at a time, as we look for answers, recovery skills and the good in life, we find them.
You are not alone.
Here's a little info on trauma bonds.
You know they’re deceptive and conniving, but you can’t seem to let go. You may be a rational, discerning person who sees through all of this person’s mind games and attempts to manipulate you. You may very well know that you’re being unjustly mistreated. You may even hold some unresolved anger and resentment towards this person for violating you. Yet whenever you attempt to leave, this toxic person throws you a few crumbs of affection and you are more than willing to mistake it for the entire loaf of bread. Whenever they’re kind, you doubt yourself.
If you’re in a toxic trauma bond, the first step is to recognize it, reconnect with reality and gain support to begin to break it. Through self-awareness and self-care can we cut the cords that once kept us chained.
If you’re in a toxic trauma bond, the first step is to recognize it, reconnect with reality and gain support to begin to break it. Through self-awareness and self-care can we cut the cords that once kept us chained.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I'm having a hard time right now. He has hit his rock bottom and I can't help him. He's begging me not to leave him and that he wants to get better.
It’s best to step back and away allow him the room to show you with his actions (for a substantial amount of time) not just his words, that he is serious about getting better. Again, what you assume might be the healthiest plan for him to get better, rehab, AA, counseling, etc. is not what he is going to assume it means.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,647
Unfortunately mp, as my gran used to say 'the road to hell is paved with good intentions'. I had those for years- and I did really try- but recovery has to be backed up with evidence- by action, over time.
Support to you.
Support to you.
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