Broken

Old 11-25-2018, 06:12 AM
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Broken

I am broken! I feel so guilty, please advise, encourage, correct, whatever it takes, this pain is overwhelming. Long story short, I met AH 10 years ago, he was active in AA, "sober", hopeful and all the good things we pray for in a partner. I knew NOTHING about alcoholism, blindly felt he's in AA, all will be well! 6 months later, we are living together, he relapsed and stayed that way for the past 8 years. During those 8 years I allowed myself to get sucked into all the chaos and destruction, believing all the promises, lived in denial, financially was the main supporter throughout multiple periods he was either employed or unemployed, married. Fast forward, he hasn't worked in over a year now, applying to great jobs, however unwilling to work at a "crap" job until this "great" job comes along. Four months ago, I freaked out one Sunday as he was drinking on the deck, poured out his beer, told him NO MORE OF ANY OF THIS BEHAVIOR, GET HELP OR GET OUT!! The next morning he apologized, and has once again has been attending AA and hasn't had a drink in 4 months. This has been a blessing and a curse, yesterday I told him I was moving out. I still love him and would even say I am in love with him, however am seeking "normal" out of him in regards to "normal" things, i.e., a job, willing to discuss things (if I mention ANYTHING about his past behaviors he starts with attitude and spouts I have resentments and am unwilling change), I have and am going to Alanon.I see the good and bad in my situation, just terribly confused. I know I need to step away and breathe, but I feel so guilty for up and leaving, he has nothing, no money, no job, no place to go comfortably, he is 57. I feel so very, very guilty, it is crushing. I like to think he will stay sober this go around, and that I am crazy for leaving him now, when the reality is I should have left years ago! I also realize 4 months of sobriety is JUST the start, time will tell, I am terrified of a repeat of relapse, know I could stick it out, but afraid I will be a total MESS should he relapse again. This is no way to live! I ask myself if the financial stuff is that important, the enabler in me says NO, the person seeking "normal" says YES! The longing to not have to deal with this crap is strong, but I still love him! Please help! Those of you who have left while still loving your spouse, yet knew things were tilted PLEASE share your experience. I have hurt this very broken man, knowing in his way, he loves me too!
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Old 11-25-2018, 08:21 AM
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You did the right thing. I know it doesn’t feel like it. It didn’t for me either. My ex relapsed five times. Now he’s killing himself. Locked in a house he lost in foreclosure with no heat. No one should have to deal with any of this. This is his problem. Not yours. You will feel better in time. You need to heal and allow yourself to be upset. I have been miserable for the last month. You will find a low of support here... these people have helped me more than I can even say. I wish you the best.
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Old 11-25-2018, 09:18 AM
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DragonFlyPeace…...since you have come here for help. I am going to take the liberty of responding to your post....however, you say that you only want comments from those who have left a spouse that you have loved....so, you may have to disregard my comments...since I have not left an alcoholic spouse...
I have, however, had to kick out my adult son, at one point when he had no money, no job, no where to go, comfortably.....he went to live in the woods, for several months....Is it hard to kick out your own flesh and blood that you love as much as I love my son...Yes! He did get sober...but, it was a long and rocky road, before he did. I have had to bury a husband that I dearly loved...he died from cancer..not alcoholism...but, the loss plunged my heart to the bottom of the oceans floor....
What I am saying is...that love will not always protect us from losing the ones that we love. We may not be able to keep our loved ones...but, we don't have to stop loving....

The very main thing that I want to say to you, is this....I have spent many years dealing with alcoholics and their families...in addition to my own personal experience....and some of the biggest ingredients that I see that make up enabling are---feelings of guilt and obligation that are misguided....
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Old 11-25-2018, 09:30 AM
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Welcome to SR. I'm glad you're here. (((hugs)))

Have you been to Al-anon yet?
https://www.al-anon.org/

Prayer: God/Great Spirit/Higher Power, please give me eyes to see and ears to hear Your guidance in my life, and strength to embrace the illogical.
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Old 11-25-2018, 10:40 AM
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Originally Posted by DragonflyPeace View Post
This is no way to live! I ask myself if the financial stuff is that important, the enabler in me says NO, the person seeking "normal" says YES!
Hi Dragonfly. Is it even about the money? Or is it really about what that represents and does?

The fact that he can't even be bothered to get any job but is content to sit in the yard and drink while you go out to work and run the house is probably causing you great resentment? You can love someone and resent them at the same time.

You can stay with him but know that comes with conditions on your part. You can beat your head against the wall trying to get him to stop drinking or you can accept him just the way he is. You can't change him, he has to want help to get it.

He may be sober but that doesn't mean he is in recovery, as I'm sure you know.

You say you want "normal" a Husband that works and that you can share with and feel close to etc. If that is what you want in your life that doesn't seem like too much to ask at all. Now, that doesn't mean that he can give that to you.

I haven't left an alcoholic Husband but I responded anyway, of course take what you like and leave the rest as they say.
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Old 11-25-2018, 10:46 AM
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Originally Posted by lostinjersey1 View Post
You did the right thing. I know it doesn’t feel like it. It didn’t for me either. My ex relapsed five times. Now he’s killing himself. Locked in a house he lost in foreclosure with no heat. No one should have to deal with any of this. This is his problem. Not yours. You will feel better in time. You need to heal and allow yourself to be upset. I have been miserable for the last month. You will find a low of support here... these people have helped me more than I can even say. I wish you the best.
Thank you. I truly appreciate your response!
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Old 11-25-2018, 11:25 AM
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So sorry to hear what you're going through. My situation isn't totally similar, but I'll share my experience.

I had an addict boyfriend and we were engaged. I'm also a (now) recovered alcoholic, but I was at the beginning of my own addiction at that point. He was unemployed (he got himself fired from the job I helped him get) and I was supporting us both. I loved him very much and I know it was mutual. Long story short, we ended up getting kicked out of the place we were renting and stayed with some of my relatives. He stole money from my family and that was the final straw.

He was unemployed, broke, and had nowhere to go.

I can't tell you the amount I suffered knowing that I was safe, but he was out on the streets. I tried to get him help, but I finally got fed up. I went no contact and I know things weren't good for him.

It wasn't easy, but his addiction was taking its toll on me. He was messed up long before he met me. It hurt a lot. It wasn't easy by any means, but it was the right decision.

At the same time, I am glad I got out of that situation. I wish he had gotten sober and took responsibility for his life, but that's not my call. Even if he had gotten sober and taken responsibility--maybe it still wouldn't have worked out. Not all relationships do.

I can feel pity for him, but in retrospect, I think to myself, he was a grown man and squandered the help that I and my family had offered him. He chose drugs over me. Period. Even when he tried to stay sober, he wasn't making responsible choices. He also refused to work at crap jobs--or even volunteer to get experience--because he was "too good" for it. (He wasn't too good to use the money that I earned at my own crap job, however.) We addicts are great at making excuses.

As a sober alcoholic, I will also say that I am responsible for the train wreck my life became. I don't blame anyone who walked away. I want the people in my life to be happy and if that meant leaving me, I accept that.

It's complicated. But please, please take care of yourself first. Your situation isn't normal. Listen to your gut. Please be good for yourself.
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Old 11-25-2018, 05:11 PM
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I left an addicted spouse. If you go over my past posts, you will piece together the long, sordid story. I don't have an "origin story" post because I was, at the time, being stalked. I am still being harassed in small, upsetting ways, but I'm less scared of the outcome now. It has taken time.

I can tell you that by the time I had to end things, I did so only because I HAD to. I didn't want to. I HAD TO. I loved my exAH. I still do. Of course my exAH is "dead" because he lied to me so much, but the time the mask fell off his face and I realized that underneath it was an evil doppelganger that I never knew I had been living with, it was like the man I fell in love with was dead (not literally). I don't know who he is today... I just know that he was someone who was willing to throw me under the bus when it came to "saving" himself or preserving his ability to use. In retrospect, I was in love with an idea that he helped me cultivate. It was flattering to him for me to look at him in the way that I did, so of course, because he was selfish, he allowed me to keep seeing him that way. I don't know if this is who he intended to become. I don't think he knows it himself -- his problem is control, lack of control over drugs, and the obsessive need to control his intimate partner because he had little control over anything else in his life.

I think you can love someone from a distance. Or you can love the idea of them. But the reality of them is... sobering.

I am free now. Sometimes it scares me. Sometimes I feel terribly lonely. But I am happier now than I was when I was crying in the shower every night and married. I do cry sometimes now... but not because I want him back. I cry because I had wasted so much time with him and I have so little time left... and because I wish I had not spilled the milk.

So... I am not sure if that helps you, that's my story.
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Old 11-26-2018, 11:43 AM
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You absolutely did the right thing. He has a choice. He is able to get a job. Even if he has to take some crap job, it's a job. By his rejecting to talk about anything in his past shows that he has not even reached step #1 in his recovery. Pretending things are OK is not a solution. Sobriety is not necessarily a solution if you don't change your behaviors with it.

After all this time, you deserve to take good care of YOU.
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Old 11-26-2018, 02:03 PM
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Originally Posted by lostinjersey1 View Post
You did the right thing. I know it doesn’t feel like it. It didn’t for me either. My ex relapsed five times. Now he’s killing himself. Locked in a house he lost in foreclosure with no heat. No one should have to deal with any of this. This is his problem. Not yours. You will feel better in time. You need to heal and allow yourself to be upset. I have been miserable for the last month. You will find a low of support here... these people have helped me more than I can even say. I wish you the best.
Thank you everyone for the kind and knowledgeable comments! Much love! I am still going ahead with my plans and will be moving around the 18th or so. I am usually a true lover of the Christmas season, but have decided for this year to simply enjoy the spirit and decorations from a far, fortunately I will be with my grandbabies on Christmas day proper. I will keep everyone posted!
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