Hi I’m new looking for advice/understanding
Poprockprincess
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 11
Hi I’m new looking for advice/understanding
hi there. I’m pretty desperate for some answers or guidance. Long story short my ex boyfriend has a drinking problem. I never realized how bad it was until closer to the end of things. The last month we were together things were off. Two weeks before the break up he told me he wasn’t okay and he needed rehab. he broke up with me a few times that last month, things were weird and I was worried about him.
Fast forward fo the weekend of the breakup. We’re long distance, I’ve known him 14 years. He’s on a trip with his daughter and that Friday night he drinks a full bottle of wine (his preferred beverage) and his daughter told me. So Saturday when he’s sober I ask him to not drink bc he’s with her.. he jokes about it but says ok. Later that night he FaceTime me from the hotel room and he’s wasted. You can tell his daughter is annoyed. I ask how much he’s had and he avoids the question. So out of frustrated I blurted out that he’s an alcoholic. I know, I shouldn’t have. I have never said one bad or negative thing to him in all our fights. I never bash him or call names or say mean things. But I was mad at him for HER. He called me a bitch and broke up with me. He said he was coming down the next weekend to break up with me anyway. He blocked me and I haven’t heard from him since.
the weird part is we were pretty much engaged without the proposal. He had put 8k down on my car three weeks before (one of our fights was me telling him not to and he got mad I wouldn’t let him). Then we looked at diamonds. We had met with my attorney to plan a way for me to relocate back home to that state with my son and get majority custody. My parents had planned on relocating so we could all be tougher (my brother and best friends all still live where he does). We had a life planned out and now he just disappeared.
his daughter called me afterwards and said he showed up to pick her up at her class she was there for drunk, and his mom called later and told me one of the weekends he stayed home and didn’t come down due to a hurricane he drank all weekend. I didn’t realize how bad it was.
anyway he told his daughters mom that he had been thinking of breaking up with me for 3 weeks bc he didn’t want to get engaged - and I’m pretty sure he told that to his mom as his reason for drinking so much. But that Saturday before he broke up with me he was begging me to fly up to see them last minute.
So my question is.. did he really want to break up with me 3 weeks before or is that an excuse for his drinking issue? Is it typical for an alcoholic to just disappear when someone like that calls them out? I know I need to move on and no one knows for sure but I honestly thought he was just downward spiraling.. I didn’t think it was bc I’d pressure from the relationship. Thoughts?
Fast forward fo the weekend of the breakup. We’re long distance, I’ve known him 14 years. He’s on a trip with his daughter and that Friday night he drinks a full bottle of wine (his preferred beverage) and his daughter told me. So Saturday when he’s sober I ask him to not drink bc he’s with her.. he jokes about it but says ok. Later that night he FaceTime me from the hotel room and he’s wasted. You can tell his daughter is annoyed. I ask how much he’s had and he avoids the question. So out of frustrated I blurted out that he’s an alcoholic. I know, I shouldn’t have. I have never said one bad or negative thing to him in all our fights. I never bash him or call names or say mean things. But I was mad at him for HER. He called me a bitch and broke up with me. He said he was coming down the next weekend to break up with me anyway. He blocked me and I haven’t heard from him since.
the weird part is we were pretty much engaged without the proposal. He had put 8k down on my car three weeks before (one of our fights was me telling him not to and he got mad I wouldn’t let him). Then we looked at diamonds. We had met with my attorney to plan a way for me to relocate back home to that state with my son and get majority custody. My parents had planned on relocating so we could all be tougher (my brother and best friends all still live where he does). We had a life planned out and now he just disappeared.
his daughter called me afterwards and said he showed up to pick her up at her class she was there for drunk, and his mom called later and told me one of the weekends he stayed home and didn’t come down due to a hurricane he drank all weekend. I didn’t realize how bad it was.
anyway he told his daughters mom that he had been thinking of breaking up with me for 3 weeks bc he didn’t want to get engaged - and I’m pretty sure he told that to his mom as his reason for drinking so much. But that Saturday before he broke up with me he was begging me to fly up to see them last minute.
So my question is.. did he really want to break up with me 3 weeks before or is that an excuse for his drinking issue? Is it typical for an alcoholic to just disappear when someone like that calls them out? I know I need to move on and no one knows for sure but I honestly thought he was just downward spiraling.. I didn’t think it was bc I’d pressure from the relationship. Thoughts?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Hi KRae and welcome to SR, sorry for what brings you here, of course.
It is impossible for anyone to know really. It's also kind of impossible to apply logic to the non-logical thinking of someone in addiction. Alcoholism alters the brain.
Addicts put their drug of choice above everything, generally, as you will see from reading around here, I'm sure you have heard stories before of people who leave their SO's, children, babies, families, jobs, whatever it takes to get the next high. Alcoholism also tends to be progressive.
I don't know if you have been reading around the forums at all but you might find these threads, from the stickies section at the top of the forum, are helpful:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
Also some really good articles here:
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
The more you understand about addiction the more you might be able to understand what happened.
The fact that he broke up with you twice before this final breakup is probably significant. He was obviously feeling uncomfortable for some reason. You mentioned you are long distance and didn't realize the extent of his drinking. He told you that he wasn't ok and needed rehab. Perhaps as things were rolling forward he realized he could no longer hide his drinking from you and that was a threat to him being able to continue drinking.
I'm sorry you got hurt, this must be painful, how are you coping? Do you have therapy at all? You might want to check out Al-Anon as well, lots of support there.
It is impossible for anyone to know really. It's also kind of impossible to apply logic to the non-logical thinking of someone in addiction. Alcoholism alters the brain.
Addicts put their drug of choice above everything, generally, as you will see from reading around here, I'm sure you have heard stories before of people who leave their SO's, children, babies, families, jobs, whatever it takes to get the next high. Alcoholism also tends to be progressive.
I don't know if you have been reading around the forums at all but you might find these threads, from the stickies section at the top of the forum, are helpful:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
Also some really good articles here:
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
The more you understand about addiction the more you might be able to understand what happened.
The fact that he broke up with you twice before this final breakup is probably significant. He was obviously feeling uncomfortable for some reason. You mentioned you are long distance and didn't realize the extent of his drinking. He told you that he wasn't ok and needed rehab. Perhaps as things were rolling forward he realized he could no longer hide his drinking from you and that was a threat to him being able to continue drinking.
I'm sorry you got hurt, this must be painful, how are you coping? Do you have therapy at all? You might want to check out Al-Anon as well, lots of support there.
Poprockprincess
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 11
Thanks! Surprisingly I am in therapy, and have been for awhile as I was going through a divorce last year and have always had a therapist since my 20s.
im okay I just keep reliving the situation in my head because none of it makes sense. I’ve never been cut off like that before. And I’m also worried sick for him too. so I’m trying to learn more about the disease so I can work through if it was that or he was really just wanting to break up.
Thanks for the links! I appreciate it and will read up.
im okay I just keep reliving the situation in my head because none of it makes sense. I’ve never been cut off like that before. And I’m also worried sick for him too. so I’m trying to learn more about the disease so I can work through if it was that or he was really just wanting to break up.
Thanks for the links! I appreciate it and will read up.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
It's not surprising that he bailed on the relationship when it stopped being convenient for his addiction to thrive without consequences. It really has nothing to do with you or anything you did or said. You behaved as any normal person would. He behaved as an addict would. I know it doesn't help with how bad it feels, but you have dodged a major bullet here.
Friendly Folk
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Powers Lake, Wisconsin
Posts: 21,718
You cannot put him in contol of your life, ever. You need to make decisions for yourself. The life with an addict is a very hard road so be aware that you cannot and will not change him. Alcoholism is progressive and destructive. Support him if he seeks help and rehab.
Keep reading SR posts.
Keep reading SR posts.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,169
Originally Posted by KRae1984 
hi there. I’m pretty desperate for
So my question is.. did he really want to break up with me 3 weeks before or is that an excuse for his drinking issue? Is it typical for an alcoholic to just disappear when someone like that calls them out? I know I need to move on and no one knows for sure but I honestly thought he was just downward spiraling.. I didn’t think it was bc I’d pressure from the relationship. Thoughts?
So my question is.. did he really want to break up with me 3 weeks before or is that an excuse for his drinking issue? Is it typical for an alcoholic to just disappear when someone like that calls them out? I know I need to move on and no one knows for sure but I honestly thought he was just downward spiraling.. I didn’t think it was bc I’d pressure from the relationship. Thoughts?
No one knows what he's doing. I don't even know if he's an alcoholic. Do you want this type of chaos in your life or not? This is not a rhetorical question. I'm being serious. Some people want this. Other's accept this out of a feeling of desperation. Be the bigger person, and stand up for yourself and your own needs, whatever you decide they might be.
Poprockprincess
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 11
No, I don’t want this for myself the way he is. But I also know that he really does want help but has no one there to really support that decision. Instead he has people who keep their mouth shuts and who enable him.
He works for the family business and the last two weeks he was strolling in at 11am and noon. His mom started calling him to get him up (he is 38). He also makes large impulsive purchases which no one says no to him about and instead his mom bails him out.
i don’t necessary what to continue a relationship with him as is, no, but the fact he did admit something was wrong, heck he even tried anti depressants, and then told me he wasn’t on two weeks before makes me want to be there for him and support him when he’s ready. But instead he shut me out.
look, I know everyone turns this into you don’t need that, this is a blessing, blah blah, and I know I can’t fix people. I see the good in them. But I truly do believe he wants help, but has too many people covering up for him. His experience with rehab ended up being some scam place in Utah, and so he doesn’t truth where to go now.
My therapist gave me recommendations and I wasn’t sure if it’s rude or would upset him if I put the pamphlets in his box of stuff before I send it to him.
He works for the family business and the last two weeks he was strolling in at 11am and noon. His mom started calling him to get him up (he is 38). He also makes large impulsive purchases which no one says no to him about and instead his mom bails him out.
i don’t necessary what to continue a relationship with him as is, no, but the fact he did admit something was wrong, heck he even tried anti depressants, and then told me he wasn’t on two weeks before makes me want to be there for him and support him when he’s ready. But instead he shut me out.
look, I know everyone turns this into you don’t need that, this is a blessing, blah blah, and I know I can’t fix people. I see the good in them. But I truly do believe he wants help, but has too many people covering up for him. His experience with rehab ended up being some scam place in Utah, and so he doesn’t truth where to go now.
My therapist gave me recommendations and I wasn’t sure if it’s rude or would upset him if I put the pamphlets in his box of stuff before I send it to him.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
KRae…...I suggest that you spend some time reading the materials that Trailmix gave you the links to...…
The one called "Classic Reading" is in our extensive library of excellent articles on the effects of alcoholism on the loved ones...(it is in the stickies at the top of the main page)….There are over 100 of them...and
The second link that she gave you is to an excellent article by Floyd P. Garrett, M.D......it is an excellent explanation of alcoholic thinking...….
Alcoholism and addictions turn all that we are taught about normal relationships, as we are growing up, all topsy turvy....the normal rules that work in healthy relationships don't always apply here....
As you study and learn more about addiction/alcoholism, the more clear these things will become...
I. also suggest that you read the book that is so often recommended on this forum...."Co-dependent No More" ...it is a classic, around here. I think you will find a lot that will resonate with you...It is a fast and easy read...I think you will appreciate it, a lot.....
I will say this...I, like you, see the good in people, and I have compassion....and, I have spent a lot of my life helping people (who want or will accept help)…..
so, I really don't consider the things that I say to be, merely, "bla, bla, bla"....
The things that I take my time and effort to say are a sincere and genuine attempt to help those who are suffering and walking in some of my own shoes....and, I believe that is true of most all the people who come to this forum.....
We do get it....that you are in pain....Please, don't think, for a minute, that we don't.....
The one called "Classic Reading" is in our extensive library of excellent articles on the effects of alcoholism on the loved ones...(it is in the stickies at the top of the main page)….There are over 100 of them...and
The second link that she gave you is to an excellent article by Floyd P. Garrett, M.D......it is an excellent explanation of alcoholic thinking...….
Alcoholism and addictions turn all that we are taught about normal relationships, as we are growing up, all topsy turvy....the normal rules that work in healthy relationships don't always apply here....
As you study and learn more about addiction/alcoholism, the more clear these things will become...
I. also suggest that you read the book that is so often recommended on this forum...."Co-dependent No More" ...it is a classic, around here. I think you will find a lot that will resonate with you...It is a fast and easy read...I think you will appreciate it, a lot.....
I will say this...I, like you, see the good in people, and I have compassion....and, I have spent a lot of my life helping people (who want or will accept help)…..
so, I really don't consider the things that I say to be, merely, "bla, bla, bla"....
The things that I take my time and effort to say are a sincere and genuine attempt to help those who are suffering and walking in some of my own shoes....and, I believe that is true of most all the people who come to this forum.....
We do get it....that you are in pain....Please, don't think, for a minute, that we don't.....
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
kRae…..the following is an article from our extensive Classic Readings section, that I think might be helpful for you, right now...…
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-reposted.html (10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of ****, reposted)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-reposted.html (10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of ****, reposted)
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
I don't think it's rude to put the pamphlets in a box if you would like to.
You might be right, he may want help, he may be in a place where he is finally thinking about giving up drinking. It's kind of a problem though that you feel that you can have a hand in "fixing" him.
You need to accept him just the way he is. Your trying to fix him is no different really than his Mom bailing him out (from a controlling perspective).
You didn't Cause this, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 cs) and that is the truth, tried and tested over and over and over, as you will see as you read around here.
You can get angry, sad, kind and understanding, you can detach yourself, he still has to make this decision for himself. Does the fact that his Mom props him up help? Not at all and probably contributes to the problem, however, do you have any control over his Mom? I'm guessing not.
Perhaps people do say, this is a blessing or it's for the best, plenty of fish in the sea, when they say that just know that they are looking out for you, not spouting platitudes. Life with a problem drinker is not easy and you are thinking of marrying him without actually having lived in the same city with him. If he does contact you again and this relationship goes forward I would really recommend moving closer and getting to know him in his environment before proceeding, for your own peace of mind.
You mention you have a Son and he has a Daughter. You have seen first hand the effect this has on his Daughter. Proceeding head on right now would put your Son in exactly that same position.
You might be right, he may want help, he may be in a place where he is finally thinking about giving up drinking. It's kind of a problem though that you feel that you can have a hand in "fixing" him.
You need to accept him just the way he is. Your trying to fix him is no different really than his Mom bailing him out (from a controlling perspective).
You didn't Cause this, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 cs) and that is the truth, tried and tested over and over and over, as you will see as you read around here.
You can get angry, sad, kind and understanding, you can detach yourself, he still has to make this decision for himself. Does the fact that his Mom props him up help? Not at all and probably contributes to the problem, however, do you have any control over his Mom? I'm guessing not.
Perhaps people do say, this is a blessing or it's for the best, plenty of fish in the sea, when they say that just know that they are looking out for you, not spouting platitudes. Life with a problem drinker is not easy and you are thinking of marrying him without actually having lived in the same city with him. If he does contact you again and this relationship goes forward I would really recommend moving closer and getting to know him in his environment before proceeding, for your own peace of mind.
You mention you have a Son and he has a Daughter. You have seen first hand the effect this has on his Daughter. Proceeding head on right now would put your Son in exactly that same position.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
The road between wanting help and actually getting help is long and while people who enable and cover up for him don't help, they aren't the only obstacles to dealing with addiction.
When I had active addicts in my life I had to stop relating to their potential. I had to stop listening to their words and take a good hard look at their actions. Because someone who truly wants help and is willing to do whatever they have to to get it doesn't just talk about it. They do things.
For what it's worth, I wasn't "turning this into" anything when I said you dodged a bullet. I was speaking from my own life experience growing up with an alcoholic mother and later in life being involved with an alcoholic partner. I have lived with active addiction in my home and know the collateral damage it causes. Everyone has good in them. That doesn't mean we should subject ourselves to the harm their addictions can cause.
When I had active addicts in my life I had to stop relating to their potential. I had to stop listening to their words and take a good hard look at their actions. Because someone who truly wants help and is willing to do whatever they have to to get it doesn't just talk about it. They do things.
For what it's worth, I wasn't "turning this into" anything when I said you dodged a bullet. I was speaking from my own life experience growing up with an alcoholic mother and later in life being involved with an alcoholic partner. I have lived with active addiction in my home and know the collateral damage it causes. Everyone has good in them. That doesn't mean we should subject ourselves to the harm their addictions can cause.
Poprockprincess
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 11
Thank you everyone for your responses. Sorry if my response can off offensive. I have spent so many nights not sleeping and trying to move forward.. trying to understand what happened even though I know I won’t.
i want to blame it on his alcohol, after all that’s how it came to a head. But I still wonder if that’s the reason he ended things. I know I really did dodge a bullet. I just don’t know how to get over this drive to have answers and understand.
I look back and see situations where I made excuses for his drinking. He isn’t in the stage he drinks all day, but he does drink every evening and he mixes it with sleeping pills and he has Valium he takes daily too. Everything I read makes me realize more and more he had a problem. We’d even talk about it and he stopped for awhile.
Reading other posts I see other things.. he was taking so many vitamins at one point. Is that normal to try and compromise for the alcohol? Is it denial?
Also, another post I read said that they jumped right into talking about marriage, etc and he promised me that too. He has been a friend for a long time and helped me get over my divorce from an emotionally abusive ex, but then to start and realize this.. and his behavior.. i feel embarrassed.
In regards to his mom, her husband was a drinker too and so she should know this. Why is she in denial about it? Does she not recognize that she’s a codependent and enabling? I know she loves him, so how can I help her realize she can help him more by letting him fall? Can I even do that or is it not worth it?
i want to blame it on his alcohol, after all that’s how it came to a head. But I still wonder if that’s the reason he ended things. I know I really did dodge a bullet. I just don’t know how to get over this drive to have answers and understand.
I look back and see situations where I made excuses for his drinking. He isn’t in the stage he drinks all day, but he does drink every evening and he mixes it with sleeping pills and he has Valium he takes daily too. Everything I read makes me realize more and more he had a problem. We’d even talk about it and he stopped for awhile.
Reading other posts I see other things.. he was taking so many vitamins at one point. Is that normal to try and compromise for the alcohol? Is it denial?
Also, another post I read said that they jumped right into talking about marriage, etc and he promised me that too. He has been a friend for a long time and helped me get over my divorce from an emotionally abusive ex, but then to start and realize this.. and his behavior.. i feel embarrassed.
In regards to his mom, her husband was a drinker too and so she should know this. Why is she in denial about it? Does she not recognize that she’s a codependent and enabling? I know she loves him, so how can I help her realize she can help him more by letting him fall? Can I even do that or is it not worth it?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Denial in codependency is often just as strong as the addict's denial of the magnitude of the problem. It can be incredibly difficult to admit that someone you love is caught up in something bigger than them that is hurting them. Admitting powerlessness over it can be too overwhelming, so the only other option is to "help" by mitigating consequences. Letting go of the idea that one can save someone else feels too much like giving up, so people hang on and usually make things worse. They don't mean to, it's just too scary to let go.
I would suggest that both you and his mother educate yourselves about addiction and go to Al-Anon. Sometimes it can be helpful just to see you aren't alone. But if you offer help and she refuses, then let it go. Everyone gets where they are going in their own time. Focus on taking care of yourself.
And please don't be embarrassed. Everyone on this board has been in your shoes or similar. We totally get it, and we're here for you.
I would suggest that both you and his mother educate yourselves about addiction and go to Al-Anon. Sometimes it can be helpful just to see you aren't alone. But if you offer help and she refuses, then let it go. Everyone gets where they are going in their own time. Focus on taking care of yourself.
And please don't be embarrassed. Everyone on this board has been in your shoes or similar. We totally get it, and we're here for you.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
KRae...I underline everything that SparkleKitty just said.....especially, the part that hanging on usually just makes things worse for all concerned....
and, that people hang on because it is too scary, for them, to let go...
Please DO educate yourself. Knowledge is power. There is sooo much to knw....
I sincerely hope that you will begin with the links that have been given to you, already by me and trailmix….as well as the book "Co-dependent No More"...
This is a good starting place to begin....
You speak of "this drive to understand and have answers"...…
I think it is normal and natural for us to try to make sense of our experiences.... it is how we are wired, as humans, I think....
If you would really like to know what happens in the brain of the alcoholic....I suggest the following book...."The Addicted Brain"....by Michael Kuhar….it is a bit pricey, so you might want to get a used one from amazon.com...or borrow one from the library.....
Any of the articles by Floyd P Garrett, M.D. are very enlightening...he wrote several....you can google him.
I feel like this can become a crucial turning point , in your life...and, I hope that you will spend a lot of time studying and learning...both about addiction and yourself.....because, if one doesn't learn from past relationships, one is almost always destined to go on to another partner who is similar...just, maybe, in a different "wrapping"....We humans are very inclined to repeat our own patterns...unless something interrupts that pattern.....in this case. it might be your "education"...lol...
and, that people hang on because it is too scary, for them, to let go...
Please DO educate yourself. Knowledge is power. There is sooo much to knw....
I sincerely hope that you will begin with the links that have been given to you, already by me and trailmix….as well as the book "Co-dependent No More"...
This is a good starting place to begin....
You speak of "this drive to understand and have answers"...…
I think it is normal and natural for us to try to make sense of our experiences.... it is how we are wired, as humans, I think....
If you would really like to know what happens in the brain of the alcoholic....I suggest the following book...."The Addicted Brain"....by Michael Kuhar….it is a bit pricey, so you might want to get a used one from amazon.com...or borrow one from the library.....
Any of the articles by Floyd P Garrett, M.D. are very enlightening...he wrote several....you can google him.
I feel like this can become a crucial turning point , in your life...and, I hope that you will spend a lot of time studying and learning...both about addiction and yourself.....because, if one doesn't learn from past relationships, one is almost always destined to go on to another partner who is similar...just, maybe, in a different "wrapping"....We humans are very inclined to repeat our own patterns...unless something interrupts that pattern.....in this case. it might be your "education"...lol...
Member
Join Date: Oct 2018
Posts: 57
Hi there - I want to say that it's possible that my first post (a little over a month ago) may have been one of the ones you've read. I was also dumped out of the blue by my live-in ABF (although we had only been together about six months at that point). I do understand the devastation you're going through.
In my case, I had also suspected for awhile that there was a large problem but I had been tiptoeing around confronting him on it because I really cared for him and wanted him to be my partner. I had felt so lucky to know him and have him care for me - it was a relationship that was very different from what I had experienced before so I have really been struggling with letting it go.
It's been over a month now where I have blocked all contact and tried to move forward. I've learned so much here from all the reading (as well as seeing a therapist and really concentrating on the parts of my life I had let go of to focus on his issues). One thing I'm seeing as I'm climbing out of the grief - which really needed to be felt and released - is that a lot of things in the relationship that were odd or did not make sense suddenly are in the context of alcoholism and its thinking. Being able to put those pieces together has given me something of the resolution I needed to move forward and start to accept and actually be grateful for dodging this bullet. It's also made me realize some painful truths about myself and my vulnerability to this kind of relationship and men. Neither of these things were fun to learn or gave me some sort of zen or whatever - but they definitely allowed me to see I was on a sinking ship and I'm lucky to have gotten a lifeboat. I have already made some changes and am seeing their effects.
One of the things that has also helped me is this community, even if I'm taking a read through it on days when I'm feeling less resolved. It gives me a place to articulate and to not feel like I'm alone in going through this. I don't know if you were like me, but I kept up a GREAT front about everything being A-OK, but my closest friends and family had noticed me starting to waver and struggle a little. It was a huge step for me to admit to them that there was trouble and allow myself to be vulnerable but I've experienced love from them that exceeded my expectations.
I wish you well - please keep posting. It does get better once you turn the corner and realize what you were actually up against.
In my case, I had also suspected for awhile that there was a large problem but I had been tiptoeing around confronting him on it because I really cared for him and wanted him to be my partner. I had felt so lucky to know him and have him care for me - it was a relationship that was very different from what I had experienced before so I have really been struggling with letting it go.
It's been over a month now where I have blocked all contact and tried to move forward. I've learned so much here from all the reading (as well as seeing a therapist and really concentrating on the parts of my life I had let go of to focus on his issues). One thing I'm seeing as I'm climbing out of the grief - which really needed to be felt and released - is that a lot of things in the relationship that were odd or did not make sense suddenly are in the context of alcoholism and its thinking. Being able to put those pieces together has given me something of the resolution I needed to move forward and start to accept and actually be grateful for dodging this bullet. It's also made me realize some painful truths about myself and my vulnerability to this kind of relationship and men. Neither of these things were fun to learn or gave me some sort of zen or whatever - but they definitely allowed me to see I was on a sinking ship and I'm lucky to have gotten a lifeboat. I have already made some changes and am seeing their effects.
One of the things that has also helped me is this community, even if I'm taking a read through it on days when I'm feeling less resolved. It gives me a place to articulate and to not feel like I'm alone in going through this. I don't know if you were like me, but I kept up a GREAT front about everything being A-OK, but my closest friends and family had noticed me starting to waver and struggle a little. It was a huge step for me to admit to them that there was trouble and allow myself to be vulnerable but I've experienced love from them that exceeded my expectations.
I wish you well - please keep posting. It does get better once you turn the corner and realize what you were actually up against.
Poprockprincess
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 11
Originally Posted by fightingfair
Hi there - I want to say that it's possible that my first post (a little over a month ago) may have been one of the ones you've read. I was also dumped out of the blue by my live-in ABF (although we had only been together about six months at that point). I do understand the devastation you're going through.
In my case, I had also suspected for awhile that there was a large problem but I had been tiptoeing around confronting him on it because I really cared for him and wanted him to be my partner. I had felt so lucky to know him and have him care for me - it was a relationship that was very different from what I had experienced before so I have really been struggling with letting it go.
It's been over a month now where I have blocked all contact and tried to move forward. I've learned so much here from all the reading (as well as seeing a therapist and really concentrating on the parts of my life I had let go of to focus on his issues). One thing I'm seeing as I'm climbing out of the grief - which really needed to be felt and released - is that a lot of things in the relationship that were odd or did not make sense suddenly are in the context of alcoholism and its thinking. Being able to put those pieces together has given me something of the resolution I needed to move forward and start to accept and actually be grateful for dodging this bullet. It's also made me realize some painful truths about myself and my vulnerability to this kind of relationship and men. Neither of these things were fun to learn or gave me some sort of zen or whatever - but they definitely allowed me to see I was on a sinking ship and I'm lucky to have gotten a lifeboat. I have already made some changes and am seeing their effects.
One of the things that has also helped me is this community, even if I'm taking a read through it on days when I'm feeling less resolved. It gives me a place to articulate and to not feel like I'm alone in going through this. I don't know if you were like me, but I kept up a GREAT front about everything being A-OK, but my closest friends and family had noticed me starting to waver and struggle a little. It was a huge step for me to admit to them that there was trouble and allow myself to be vulnerable but I've experienced love from them that exceeded my expectations.
I wish you well - please keep posting. It does get better once you turn the corner and realize what you were actually up against.
In my case, I had also suspected for awhile that there was a large problem but I had been tiptoeing around confronting him on it because I really cared for him and wanted him to be my partner. I had felt so lucky to know him and have him care for me - it was a relationship that was very different from what I had experienced before so I have really been struggling with letting it go.
It's been over a month now where I have blocked all contact and tried to move forward. I've learned so much here from all the reading (as well as seeing a therapist and really concentrating on the parts of my life I had let go of to focus on his issues). One thing I'm seeing as I'm climbing out of the grief - which really needed to be felt and released - is that a lot of things in the relationship that were odd or did not make sense suddenly are in the context of alcoholism and its thinking. Being able to put those pieces together has given me something of the resolution I needed to move forward and start to accept and actually be grateful for dodging this bullet. It's also made me realize some painful truths about myself and my vulnerability to this kind of relationship and men. Neither of these things were fun to learn or gave me some sort of zen or whatever - but they definitely allowed me to see I was on a sinking ship and I'm lucky to have gotten a lifeboat. I have already made some changes and am seeing their effects.
One of the things that has also helped me is this community, even if I'm taking a read through it on days when I'm feeling less resolved. It gives me a place to articulate and to not feel like I'm alone in going through this. I don't know if you were like me, but I kept up a GREAT front about everything being A-OK, but my closest friends and family had noticed me starting to waver and struggle a little. It was a huge step for me to admit to them that there was trouble and allow myself to be vulnerable but I've experienced love from them that exceeded my expectations.
I wish you well - please keep posting. It does get better once you turn the corner and realize what you were actually up against.
He wasnt as as bad as your Ex, he didn’t drink 24/7. I didn’t have a job the first 6 months of this year so I lived with him 6 of every 10 days until the end of June. I’ve cleaned his house up and down and there were never bottles everywhere. But he did drink wine every night, several times more than a bottle himself. So I don’t know how extreme it was, but it was a problem.
We we lost a baby back in August and he flew down and was completely wasted when I picked him up the day before I had to take those pills to help me go into labor and push out the fetus.
I think maybe he’s a problem drinker? He was unhappy with his work and didn’t want to be there any more but felt trapped and also was comfortable having a good income. So I don’t know if being with me and work caused the drinking to get worse.
however I think I’m making excuses. His daughter said him and her went to California a year and a half before and he was drunk the entire time. She said she had to switch seats with someone in the plane ride back bc he was so drunk and bothering people.
i did read the post about empaths.. and surprisingly I bought that book recently because I am one. The week before he broke up with me I had a dream where he was saying all the signs were there.. why didn’t you realize it? I woke up and texted him and he called me to calm me down and said he loved me, that I was reading into a dream. Weird huh?
personally, I have struggled with codependent relationships in the past (a sex addict) which spiraled me into self harm. So I’ve been in therapy for 12 years to help and heal from that addiction. I guess that’s why I feel like I can understand his issue because it’s an every day battle. You have to know how to cope and to use coping skills to fight through urges. But yes, I couldn’t get better til I made the choice myself that I wanted to. So maybe that’s why I’m so set in understanding the situation. I’m very self aware and I am thirsty to help and understand others. Maybe that’s a flaw.. idk.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,169
Originally Posted by KRae1984
look, I know everyone turns this into you don’t need that, this is a blessing, blah blah, and I know I can’t fix people. I see the good in them. But I truly do believe he wants help, but has too many people covering up for him. His experience with rehab ended up being some scam place in Utah, and so he doesn’t truth where to go now.
My therapist gave me recommendations and I wasn’t sure if it’s rude or would upset him if I put the pamphlets in his box of stuff before I send it to him.
I'm not trying to be argumentative, just offering a perspective that could be wrong, but there are two important things which you seem unable to control. First, his behavior. You don't like it, but you can't control it. Second, him shutting you out. It's miserable, but you can't control that either.
I was with a woman for a time who was unable to control a serious drug problem. After picking her up at the emergency room because she had talked a Dr. into giving her an intravenous treatment of Demerol, I started wondering if this is who I wanted to be with. The next day she dumped me. I wondered if this was her way of giving me an out. I loved her. She had redeeming qualities.
Two weeks later she wanted to come back. I obliged her, and enjoyed it too. Then she dumped me again, and two weeks later, ahe wanted to come back again. I took her back and it was great, and I loved her. But at this point I was doing some serious thinking. Is this what I wanted in a long term partner? The love was great, the chaos not so.
I ended it, and went on to something else. That was 10 years ago. I look back on the affair with fond memories. But I don't see how a long term relationship with her could result in anything but chaos. I haven't talked to her since. I still like much about the relationship we had, but I don't need the chaos. I see it as a blessing, although a bitter sweet one. Sometimes we don't get we want, and that's not as bad as it seems. There can be a blessing in it too.
Your boyfriend may need time to figure out what it is that he really wants. Maybe he will fix himself and maybe he will want you. Give him some space so the both of you can think about it. But his thinking won't even be helpful until he fixes whatever problems he's dealing with. Until then, you don't have any choices, and you might not have any choices anyway.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by KRae1984
I’m very self aware and I am thirsty to help and understand others. Maybe that’s a flaw.. idk.
Helping someone who doesn't ask for help can well be misplaced. Just apply that to yourself, say you needed to lose 20 lbs and mentioned it to me, do you want me helping you really? Want me to look at you out of the corner of my eye when you grab a chocolate bar? Maybe mention that you put a few too many potatoes on your plate?
I suspect you would be happy for my help for about 5 minutes and then it would just appear controlling and annoying. You are an adult and can make your own decisions.
Even if I suggested weight watchers or how about jenny craig? Now I'm saying you don't have it in you to do this yourself "in my opinion" - which you didn't ask for.
You get the gist.
I think maybe he’s a problem drinker?
Poprockprincess
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 11
Originally Posted by DriGuy
Being shut out by someone seldom feels like a blessing, and I'm reluctant to suggest that it is, because I don't know all the details. But in some cases, it is a blessing, even though it doesn't feel like it right now. Unrequited love is never fun. But in retrospect, it sometimes is a blessing. I've been there, and in looking back on it, I sometimes wonder, "What was I thinking."
I'm not trying to be argumentative, just offering a perspective that could be wrong, but there are two important things which you seem unable to control. First, his behavior. You don't like it, but you can't control it. Second, him shutting you out. It's miserable, but you can't control that either.
I was with a woman for a time who was unable to control a serious drug problem. After picking her up at the emergency room because she had talked a Dr. into giving her an intravenous treatment of Demerol, I started wondering if this is who I wanted to be with. The next day she dumped me. I wondered if this was her way of giving me an out. I loved her. She had redeeming qualities.
Two weeks later she wanted to come back. I obliged her, and enjoyed it too. Then she dumped me again, and two weeks later, ahe wanted to come back again. I took her back and it was great, and I loved her. But at this point I was doing some serious thinking. Is this what I wanted in a long term partner? The love was great, the chaos not so.
I ended it, and went on to something else. That was 10 years ago. I look back on the affair with fond memories. But I don't see how a long term relationship with her could result in anything but chaos. I haven't talked to her since. I still like much about the relationship we had, but I don't need the chaos. I see it as a blessing, although a bitter sweet one. Sometimes we don't get we want, and that's not as bad as it seems. There can be a blessing in it too.
Your boyfriend may need time to figure out what it is that he really wants. Maybe he will fix himself and maybe he will want you. Give him some space so the both of you can think about it. But his thinking won't even be helpful until he fixes whatever problems he's dealing with. Until then, you don't have any choices, and you might not have any choices anyway.
I'm not trying to be argumentative, just offering a perspective that could be wrong, but there are two important things which you seem unable to control. First, his behavior. You don't like it, but you can't control it. Second, him shutting you out. It's miserable, but you can't control that either.
I was with a woman for a time who was unable to control a serious drug problem. After picking her up at the emergency room because she had talked a Dr. into giving her an intravenous treatment of Demerol, I started wondering if this is who I wanted to be with. The next day she dumped me. I wondered if this was her way of giving me an out. I loved her. She had redeeming qualities.
Two weeks later she wanted to come back. I obliged her, and enjoyed it too. Then she dumped me again, and two weeks later, ahe wanted to come back again. I took her back and it was great, and I loved her. But at this point I was doing some serious thinking. Is this what I wanted in a long term partner? The love was great, the chaos not so.
I ended it, and went on to something else. That was 10 years ago. I look back on the affair with fond memories. But I don't see how a long term relationship with her could result in anything but chaos. I haven't talked to her since. I still like much about the relationship we had, but I don't need the chaos. I see it as a blessing, although a bitter sweet one. Sometimes we don't get we want, and that's not as bad as it seems. There can be a blessing in it too.
Your boyfriend may need time to figure out what it is that he really wants. Maybe he will fix himself and maybe he will want you. Give him some space so the both of you can think about it. But his thinking won't even be helpful until he fixes whatever problems he's dealing with. Until then, you don't have any choices, and you might not have any choices anyway.
also, he ended a marriage four years ago, talks poorly about her but never managed to cut the string. He reaches out to her all the time and even had her on his insurance until last year. Is that just a personality flaw or another behavior? He always said he felt like he “owed” her for divorcing her bc he promised forever and then left.
lastly, is it normal for them to come back around after they’re out of a time of being so engulfed in their active addiction?
Poprockprincess
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 11
Originally Posted by trailmix
I wouldn't say that's a flaw BUT it has to be placed correctly.
Helping someone who doesn't ask for help can well be misplaced. Just apply that to yourself, say you needed to lose 20 lbs and mentioned it to me, do you want me helping you really? Want me to look at you out of the corner of my eye when you grab a chocolate bar? Maybe mention that you put a few too many potatoes on your plate?
I suspect you would be happy for my help for about 5 minutes and then it would just appear controlling and annoying. You are an adult and can make your own decisions.
Even if I suggested weight watchers or how about jenny craig? Now I'm saying you don't have it in you to do this yourself "in my opinion" - which you didn't ask for.
You get the gist.
Not maybe, for sure he is. He is possibly an alcoholic, based on your description.
Helping someone who doesn't ask for help can well be misplaced. Just apply that to yourself, say you needed to lose 20 lbs and mentioned it to me, do you want me helping you really? Want me to look at you out of the corner of my eye when you grab a chocolate bar? Maybe mention that you put a few too many potatoes on your plate?
I suspect you would be happy for my help for about 5 minutes and then it would just appear controlling and annoying. You are an adult and can make your own decisions.
Even if I suggested weight watchers or how about jenny craig? Now I'm saying you don't have it in you to do this yourself "in my opinion" - which you didn't ask for.
You get the gist.
Not maybe, for sure he is. He is possibly an alcoholic, based on your description.
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