I did so good and then like nothing...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 11
I did so good and then like nothing...
I was back to believing he would finally try and he meant it!
I kept him blocked bc I truly believed I was done. I believed everyone about his monstrous ways being more than the alcohol.
I too, had a moment of weakness 3 days before Thanksgiving. Holidays are hard for me. I unblocked him. I didn’t text him, but I knew he’d text me. He did - several hours later. I played it reserved. I knew I shouldn’t of, but I was lonely, I was depressed. I wanted my companion back. Of course, I had some thoughts I let known. I don’t and haven’t for many months asked him to stop drinking. I don’t go down that road, I don’t want the responsibility of watching and being sure. I do however say, “you know things need to improve - we can’t keep doing this!” And, this is a general statement that he full well understands the meaning.
**Sorry, hit send before I was done**
Anyway, I let him sneak back in. It was going OK, to maybe even good. But, yesterday and then today was just no good. He’s been worse, I’ll give him that. But, he was just VERY REACTIVE. It didn’t matter what I said or did, it was met with anger and criticism. I may as well have been talking to a brick wall. Their was no reason or explanation for any of it, it didn’t make sense. Nothing did!
I started getting angry, probably more at myself, but I did. I just raised my voice pretty loud and said I CANT TAKE YOU ANYMORE!! I started crying and went to my bedroom. Instead of calming down and regrouping like normal, I sat in there and stewed at things. I finally came back out to family room where he was and demanded he leave. He kept trying to change his tune and ignore my request to leave, but I just kept raising my voice louder until he finally left.
Now Im sitting here knowing full well, this could be the last time I see him, he could be saying screw her, that’s the last time she will kick me out. Because keep in mind each time he leaves here, he has to go back to his family’s house, as this is where he lives. He will get tired of that. Embarrassed maybe.
Why do I care? I need to convince myself he’s NOT going to change. Never. I just hate this time of year. I struggle anyway. I’m ashamed, but feel if I don’t talk the truth, I won’t get the help I so desperately need.
I kept him blocked bc I truly believed I was done. I believed everyone about his monstrous ways being more than the alcohol.
I too, had a moment of weakness 3 days before Thanksgiving. Holidays are hard for me. I unblocked him. I didn’t text him, but I knew he’d text me. He did - several hours later. I played it reserved. I knew I shouldn’t of, but I was lonely, I was depressed. I wanted my companion back. Of course, I had some thoughts I let known. I don’t and haven’t for many months asked him to stop drinking. I don’t go down that road, I don’t want the responsibility of watching and being sure. I do however say, “you know things need to improve - we can’t keep doing this!” And, this is a general statement that he full well understands the meaning.
**Sorry, hit send before I was done**
Anyway, I let him sneak back in. It was going OK, to maybe even good. But, yesterday and then today was just no good. He’s been worse, I’ll give him that. But, he was just VERY REACTIVE. It didn’t matter what I said or did, it was met with anger and criticism. I may as well have been talking to a brick wall. Their was no reason or explanation for any of it, it didn’t make sense. Nothing did!
I started getting angry, probably more at myself, but I did. I just raised my voice pretty loud and said I CANT TAKE YOU ANYMORE!! I started crying and went to my bedroom. Instead of calming down and regrouping like normal, I sat in there and stewed at things. I finally came back out to family room where he was and demanded he leave. He kept trying to change his tune and ignore my request to leave, but I just kept raising my voice louder until he finally left.
Now Im sitting here knowing full well, this could be the last time I see him, he could be saying screw her, that’s the last time she will kick me out. Because keep in mind each time he leaves here, he has to go back to his family’s house, as this is where he lives. He will get tired of that. Embarrassed maybe.
Why do I care? I need to convince myself he’s NOT going to change. Never. I just hate this time of year. I struggle anyway. I’m ashamed, but feel if I don’t talk the truth, I won’t get the help I so desperately need.
Last edited by Dazed4once; 11-24-2018 at 05:57 PM. Reason: Wasn’t done.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
So each time he leaves there he has to go back to his family home where he lives, please don't worry about that, not your problem (it's where he lives, you are not responsible for his living situation, he is really). If he is embarrassed he can either fix his behaviour or get a new place to live (all of this is out of your control anyway though, as it should be).
I totally get that you are feeling lonely, I get why you let him contact you and invited him back in to your life, no judgement here.
You mentioned that you live in a rural area, is it possible that is not an ideal place for you to live? Would it be possible at all to move to a town or city nearby? If you are lonely you need people around, we all need people sometimes, it might be worth considering.
Barring that, is there a town or city nearby where you could attend classes or anything? Learn pottery, got to karaoke, attend Al-Anon or join a meet up group?
If the problem is loneliness he is certainly not the answer.
I don't blame you for being angry and you were right to ask him to leave. I understand the panic, he doesn't have to be good for you and the relationship doesn't have to be good for you to want to hold on to it.
While you are though you will never break away and find happiness.
I totally get that you are feeling lonely, I get why you let him contact you and invited him back in to your life, no judgement here.
You mentioned that you live in a rural area, is it possible that is not an ideal place for you to live? Would it be possible at all to move to a town or city nearby? If you are lonely you need people around, we all need people sometimes, it might be worth considering.
Barring that, is there a town or city nearby where you could attend classes or anything? Learn pottery, got to karaoke, attend Al-Anon or join a meet up group?
If the problem is loneliness he is certainly not the answer.
I don't blame you for being angry and you were right to ask him to leave. I understand the panic, he doesn't have to be good for you and the relationship doesn't have to be good for you to want to hold on to it.
While you are though you will never break away and find happiness.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 11
Hi Trailmix,
Thank you for being understanding. I was worried even admitting to having him come again.
Yes I do live rural, with animals and can’t imagine life any other way, but I do love the idea of finding groups, classes. I honestly think I need to try Al-Anon again, my hangup with that was they put me in a newcomer room and no one really talked. Lol. I wanted to be out in the main group, they were a lot more talkative (like me lol) and I think I had 4 more weeks to go in the newcomer class. I was cleaning out a closet this morning and found a book I had gotten while in that class. It’s called Couage to Change. Perhaps it was a sign.
I have a hard time not taking things personally. He does a lot for me, helping wise around the house. But in some ways, it feels like he does this to avoid other things like being together actually doing something nice. You can’t convince him to be intimate. You can break your neck trying and nothing from him - he could literally go a year or more without. The fight today was bc I wanted him to go to Home Depot with me. He refused to go. Who cares, right. I agree. But when you ask and ask and ask and they never go or do anything with you besides staying here drinking or leaving to buy beer only (and I’m not allowed to go then) you get upset. Well, I do. It’s more hurt feelings.
I take it all personally, like he isn’t attracted to me and he’s only here for one thing. A place to live.
Thank you for being understanding. I was worried even admitting to having him come again.
Yes I do live rural, with animals and can’t imagine life any other way, but I do love the idea of finding groups, classes. I honestly think I need to try Al-Anon again, my hangup with that was they put me in a newcomer room and no one really talked. Lol. I wanted to be out in the main group, they were a lot more talkative (like me lol) and I think I had 4 more weeks to go in the newcomer class. I was cleaning out a closet this morning and found a book I had gotten while in that class. It’s called Couage to Change. Perhaps it was a sign.
I have a hard time not taking things personally. He does a lot for me, helping wise around the house. But in some ways, it feels like he does this to avoid other things like being together actually doing something nice. You can’t convince him to be intimate. You can break your neck trying and nothing from him - he could literally go a year or more without. The fight today was bc I wanted him to go to Home Depot with me. He refused to go. Who cares, right. I agree. But when you ask and ask and ask and they never go or do anything with you besides staying here drinking or leaving to buy beer only (and I’m not allowed to go then) you get upset. Well, I do. It’s more hurt feelings.
I take it all personally, like he isn’t attracted to me and he’s only here for one thing. A place to live.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
Maybe, or maybe he has intimacy issues and is just doing his own thing. Addiction is selfish, he wants to drink. His outing is going to the liquor store. That's his thing.
No doubt you would like a partner that would go to Home Depot with you, maybe go wash the car with you on a nice afternoon, go for a walk after dinner, go to a movie once in a while maybe a concert or dinner? That's not asking too much if that is what you would like, but it is asking too much of him.
He just wants to drink.
I'm guessing from what you said that there is only the one Al-Anon meeting anywhere near you and I think separating the newcomers is a bit odd but if it is all that is available then perhaps tough it out with the newcomers and maybe you can make that group a little more interesting? Once you have read the book maybe you could bring that up for discussion with the group? Also they might open up if you share your story.
If there is a town or city nearby going to a class for some subject you enjoy whether pottery or learning the guitar will, if nothing else, have you out there meeting people with a shared interest. You will make friends eventually and that will make a huge difference. You could invite them all over to your place for coffee!
I don't see that he has a lot to offer you, besides being kind of nice to you sometimes - you deserve to be treated with kindness and respect.
No doubt you would like a partner that would go to Home Depot with you, maybe go wash the car with you on a nice afternoon, go for a walk after dinner, go to a movie once in a while maybe a concert or dinner? That's not asking too much if that is what you would like, but it is asking too much of him.
He just wants to drink.
I'm guessing from what you said that there is only the one Al-Anon meeting anywhere near you and I think separating the newcomers is a bit odd but if it is all that is available then perhaps tough it out with the newcomers and maybe you can make that group a little more interesting? Once you have read the book maybe you could bring that up for discussion with the group? Also they might open up if you share your story.
If there is a town or city nearby going to a class for some subject you enjoy whether pottery or learning the guitar will, if nothing else, have you out there meeting people with a shared interest. You will make friends eventually and that will make a huge difference. You could invite them all over to your place for coffee!
I don't see that he has a lot to offer you, besides being kind of nice to you sometimes - you deserve to be treated with kindness and respect.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by Dazed4once 
I honestly think I need to try Al-Anon again, my hangup with that was they put me in a newcomer room and no one really talked. Lol. I wanted to be out in the main group, they were a lot more talkative (like me lol) and I think I had 4 more weeks to go in the newcomer class. I was cleaning out a closet this morning and found a book I had gotten while in that class. It’s called Couage to Change. Perhaps it was a sign.
AlAnon is wonderful for so many reasons, but mostly because the program takes our focus off of needing/wanting/hoping for our beloved A to change and putting our emphasis on our own personal development. Through AlAnon, I am coming to see that my peace of mind is dependent on nobody else, it is always my choice and always within reach. Courage to Change is a wonderful book full of daily reminders about this. I find that my ABF was the reason that I began AlAnon, but now I am there for my own happiness, satisfaction and friendships. I highly recommend this fellowship!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dazed...…..for what it is worth....I have worked with many alcoholics, in the past.(I am a medical person_.....and, it is generally true, that for alcoholics who have been drinking for many years and, especially, for those who are getting a bit longer in the tooth....men will have some trouble with performance....
And, I can tell you that men would rather avoid intimacy than to feel like they can't perform.....(women can fake it much better than men can)….
The worst thing you can do is to make the assumption that it has anything to do with your personal attractiveness!
All that does is to give you one more thing to beat yourself up, about.....one more thing that you have no control over.....
And, I can tell you that men would rather avoid intimacy than to feel like they can't perform.....(women can fake it much better than men can)….
The worst thing you can do is to make the assumption that it has anything to do with your personal attractiveness!
All that does is to give you one more thing to beat yourself up, about.....one more thing that you have no control over.....
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