My AV was just lying in wait...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Big City
Posts: 3,895
My AV was just lying in wait...
for this holiday season.
It was looking the other way as I reclaimed my life. I woke early, tended to my obligations, took care of what needed to be attended to. For more than 6 months I have been doing the things that I neglected to do for so long. Sure, some days have been more exemplary than others - a few pints of ice cream here and there, a neglected work assignment, an impatient response to my family etc - but overall these past 6 sober months have been as productive and calm and happy as I have had in my adult life. Only, of course, because I am sober.
Where was my AV? It would peep up here and there, flit by with some bulls--t nostalgia-laced suggestion that a drink would be nice right now...But I felt quite properly disassociated from that demon voice - I saw it come and go.
Ah but here comes the holiday season, the turn down in the temperature outside, old friends with mugs of beer, glasses of scotch in front of roaring fires. It's a social time for me with work events, friend and family get-togethers where alcohol is ever-present.
And who else wants to make an appearance but my AV. Emerging from the dank, dirty cave it was in for 6 months with total confidence, speaking in a voice I can't help but be impressed by - this little sh-t really thinks it is going to convince me to drink!
I am not going to drink. I'm going to get through the nights, like last night, where, after a long, tiring day of holiday travel, I get home to a very nice bottle of red wine that my neighbor kindly bought for me, and I am caused to think "man, a glass of that with a book on the couch would be so nice after a long hard slog of a day like today...". And I'll get through the AV feelings of frustration and self-pity and annoyance that I'm not a drinker like my wife, who can take or leave it, who rarely finishes her glass of wine, because I am simply not that kind of drinker. Not my destiny, not my reality. The idea of cracking the bottle last night and "enjoying a glass" was pure AV - a glass was never enough, neither was a bottle, nor another bottle chased with some hits of crap liquor I would have hid under the sink...
These are heady days for me, for many of us. The holiday season brings with it the revisiting of many crime scenes, losses and hurt. There will be much alcohol consumption over the next few months. Getting through this season's past wounds, old soul aches, even the sweet memories sober is what matters.
I'm going to remind myself, against the best wishes of my resurfaced AV, that just getting through is enough sometimes. More than enough. Sometimes getting through is everything.
It was looking the other way as I reclaimed my life. I woke early, tended to my obligations, took care of what needed to be attended to. For more than 6 months I have been doing the things that I neglected to do for so long. Sure, some days have been more exemplary than others - a few pints of ice cream here and there, a neglected work assignment, an impatient response to my family etc - but overall these past 6 sober months have been as productive and calm and happy as I have had in my adult life. Only, of course, because I am sober.
Where was my AV? It would peep up here and there, flit by with some bulls--t nostalgia-laced suggestion that a drink would be nice right now...But I felt quite properly disassociated from that demon voice - I saw it come and go.
Ah but here comes the holiday season, the turn down in the temperature outside, old friends with mugs of beer, glasses of scotch in front of roaring fires. It's a social time for me with work events, friend and family get-togethers where alcohol is ever-present.
And who else wants to make an appearance but my AV. Emerging from the dank, dirty cave it was in for 6 months with total confidence, speaking in a voice I can't help but be impressed by - this little sh-t really thinks it is going to convince me to drink!
I am not going to drink. I'm going to get through the nights, like last night, where, after a long, tiring day of holiday travel, I get home to a very nice bottle of red wine that my neighbor kindly bought for me, and I am caused to think "man, a glass of that with a book on the couch would be so nice after a long hard slog of a day like today...". And I'll get through the AV feelings of frustration and self-pity and annoyance that I'm not a drinker like my wife, who can take or leave it, who rarely finishes her glass of wine, because I am simply not that kind of drinker. Not my destiny, not my reality. The idea of cracking the bottle last night and "enjoying a glass" was pure AV - a glass was never enough, neither was a bottle, nor another bottle chased with some hits of crap liquor I would have hid under the sink...
These are heady days for me, for many of us. The holiday season brings with it the revisiting of many crime scenes, losses and hurt. There will be much alcohol consumption over the next few months. Getting through this season's past wounds, old soul aches, even the sweet memories sober is what matters.
I'm going to remind myself, against the best wishes of my resurfaced AV, that just getting through is enough sometimes. More than enough. Sometimes getting through is everything.
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Location: Where I’ve longed to be all my life…..here, now.
Posts: 7,337
Fantastic LG😍!!!!
another keeper going into my files.
Thank you so much for elegantly stating your story which, I believe resonates with so many of us this holiday season!
Hugs,
another keeper going into my files.
Thank you so much for elegantly stating your story which, I believe resonates with so many of us this holiday season!
Hugs,
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 83
Wow....just what I needed to read. This one i need to keep close by so I can re-read over and over.
It’s gonna be tough getting thru the holidays as my whole family drinks a lot at Christmas.
Also this whole month leading up to Christmas is my busiest and most stressful time of the year at work.
I’ve been using sweets to get thru the rough times but this has to stop too.
Day 25 for me today and I will keep pressing forward.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 293
I'm right with you as usual, Less. I loved this season so much when I was younger and yet when my drinking was out of control it became the worst season.
Like you, this will be my first sober Christmas in years! I am totally up for it.
For the first time since I picked up my first whiskey and coke and began a life of habitual drinking I am actually forgetting why I ever wanted that sh*t in the first place.
Like you, this will be my first sober Christmas in years! I am totally up for it.
For the first time since I picked up my first whiskey and coke and began a life of habitual drinking I am actually forgetting why I ever wanted that sh*t in the first place.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: here, now.
Posts: 1,236
Hey Less. It’s so intense, isn’t it? You did good by posting here. When people buy you booze like that in the beginning year it’s the worst. They will stop when the realize you don’t drink anymore. It takes awhile, though. Imagine how horrified your neighbor would be knowing they gave you a really nice bottle of wine when you’d tried so hard to be sober and that bottle is what kicked it.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 39
Great post, Less! I am in much the same boat (5 1/2 months here) and trying not to drink when we have friends and family visiting has been really tough this Thanksgiving..but we've just about made it through! Onto the rest of the holidays!
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Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: Right here, right now
Posts: 3,972
Hi less. I hope by posting this you feel better. I agree. The holidays, social and family gatherings, work parties combined with nostalgic feelings from our past drinking lives can multiply the pressure greatly.
I don’t go to social media much anymore but snuck on FB the other day. Why, I do not know. But it seemed like everything that everyone of my friends was doing involved drinking. Going to movies with water bottles loaded with wine or cocktails, craft parties over drinks, making wreaths and knitting socks and Santa hats over drinks, wine tasting parties even in the middle of the day at the office, beer pong, playing Wineopoly, going to the bar as a reward after a long day of volunteering. A good reminder to me why I stay away from social media.
Fortunately for me, social events even around the holidays have not been tempting me. This is my second holiday season sober. Last year was more difficult but I got through it. I’m stronger now. I have other triggers around loneliness and parenting stressors, but that has gotten less intense too. The key for me is to practice my sobriety every day and to stay self aware so I am not caught off guard.
I am also learning that there are a lot of people my age who, perhaps like me didn’t have a problem in their late thirties/early forties, are now 10 years later, struggling with alcohol, some openly, some secretly. Many suffering privately are pretending to be normal. They are the ones who seem the happiest on FB. A year later, they are going through divorce, in rehab or whatever. Or it’s just a matter of time. Not to say this is everyone. There are normies out there, like my husband. But there are a lot of folks having problems. Very few come out and say “I have a problem with this.” I try not to buy into all the superficial crap out there. I am just focused on myself and what is good for me. They do them; I do me.
Stay strong. You are an inspiration.
I don’t go to social media much anymore but snuck on FB the other day. Why, I do not know. But it seemed like everything that everyone of my friends was doing involved drinking. Going to movies with water bottles loaded with wine or cocktails, craft parties over drinks, making wreaths and knitting socks and Santa hats over drinks, wine tasting parties even in the middle of the day at the office, beer pong, playing Wineopoly, going to the bar as a reward after a long day of volunteering. A good reminder to me why I stay away from social media.
Fortunately for me, social events even around the holidays have not been tempting me. This is my second holiday season sober. Last year was more difficult but I got through it. I’m stronger now. I have other triggers around loneliness and parenting stressors, but that has gotten less intense too. The key for me is to practice my sobriety every day and to stay self aware so I am not caught off guard.
I am also learning that there are a lot of people my age who, perhaps like me didn’t have a problem in their late thirties/early forties, are now 10 years later, struggling with alcohol, some openly, some secretly. Many suffering privately are pretending to be normal. They are the ones who seem the happiest on FB. A year later, they are going through divorce, in rehab or whatever. Or it’s just a matter of time. Not to say this is everyone. There are normies out there, like my husband. But there are a lot of folks having problems. Very few come out and say “I have a problem with this.” I try not to buy into all the superficial crap out there. I am just focused on myself and what is good for me. They do them; I do me.
Stay strong. You are an inspiration.
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
As I make my rounds this holiday season something strikes me as peculiar with each movement/experience.
Things are easy.
For 40 or so years during this time I would be so hung over and craving that everything seemed like an extra burden.
This is my 4th clean Holiday, but during the first 1 I was less than a year clean, and I have moderate PAWS/PTSD from my drunkenness, so I was in rough shape. I made it through that one, but I was under a fair amount of duress.
This Holiday is a surprise because I keep expecting to feel like crap, but I don't. I feel normal and balanced.
I crave a bit, but I have spent many a days around drinkers and drunks at parties and functions during my clean time. It is easier now than before.
Seeing folks sort of stumbling, trying to act like they are normal, red eyed tired, slurring. It doesn't make me want to drink. It is sad and funny at the same time. I actually enjoy being stone sober while folks try to act sober while drinking.
Being an X drunk gives folks more depth than someone that never drank to excess. Folks that never drank like a fish can come off so...better than though. I can respect their choice, but sometimes they seem almost cruel or emotionless.
Just me.
Thanks.
Things are easy.
For 40 or so years during this time I would be so hung over and craving that everything seemed like an extra burden.
This is my 4th clean Holiday, but during the first 1 I was less than a year clean, and I have moderate PAWS/PTSD from my drunkenness, so I was in rough shape. I made it through that one, but I was under a fair amount of duress.
This Holiday is a surprise because I keep expecting to feel like crap, but I don't. I feel normal and balanced.
I crave a bit, but I have spent many a days around drinkers and drunks at parties and functions during my clean time. It is easier now than before.
Seeing folks sort of stumbling, trying to act like they are normal, red eyed tired, slurring. It doesn't make me want to drink. It is sad and funny at the same time. I actually enjoy being stone sober while folks try to act sober while drinking.
Being an X drunk gives folks more depth than someone that never drank to excess. Folks that never drank like a fish can come off so...better than though. I can respect their choice, but sometimes they seem almost cruel or emotionless.
Just me.
Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 462
Well done for getting through it and thanks for your post, that was very relatable just shows that that AV is always lurking and we should never forget that.
I was ok during Thanksgiving didn't worry about it before hand and easily said no when wine was offered, Thanksgiving is not a massive trigger for me. But Christmas is, I loooooooove Christmas, this will be my first sober one so I'm in the process of mentally preparing myself for it. It's going to be hard trading the eggnog and mulled wine for the Hallmark Channel and hot chocolate but that's ok.
Sending strength to you less and to all of us this holiday season.
I was ok during Thanksgiving didn't worry about it before hand and easily said no when wine was offered, Thanksgiving is not a massive trigger for me. But Christmas is, I loooooooove Christmas, this will be my first sober one so I'm in the process of mentally preparing myself for it. It's going to be hard trading the eggnog and mulled wine for the Hallmark Channel and hot chocolate but that's ok.
Sending strength to you less and to all of us this holiday season.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: here, now.
Posts: 1,236
Originally Posted by Fearlessat50 
I don’t go to social media much anymore but snuck on FB the other day. Why, I do not know. But it seemed like everything that everyone of my friends was doing involved drinking. Going to movies with water bottles loaded with wine or cocktails, craft parties over drinks, making wreaths and knitting socks and Santa hats over drinks, wine tasting parties even in the middle of the day at the office, beer pong, playing Wineopoly, going to the bar as a reward after a long day of volunteering. A good reminder to me why I stay away from social media.
But that’s not why I wanted to reply to this. I wanted to say, play the tape. The crafts with wine. The baking with cocktails. It never shows the aftermath. You can’t smell the room those photos were taken in, three or four hours later. You can’t feel the pounding headaches of the participants and you probably don’t see much finished product. Craft nights with wine never resulted in anything for me. Second rate paintings. Unfinished craft projects. A giant mess with nothing to show for it.
Uh, what fun?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 154
"I'm going to remind myself, against the best wishes of my resurfaced AV, that just getting through is enough sometimes. More than enough. Sometimes getting through is everything."
This is exactly it. I don't care if I sit in doing nothing, if I'm not productive, if I miss an event. If that's what it takes to not drink, that's enough. It's priority.
I met up with a friend exactly a week ago at a restaurant in a hip part of town. My AV definitely came out a bit, seeing all of the people hitting the different bars. When I got home, I realized that one of my biggest obstacles is getting over the "fear of missing out." There is so much more to life than a nice night out with friends here and there. And nice nights out with friends are still on the table without alcohol. All of this just takes a huge amount of rethinking and unlearning, it takes time and conscious effort but it is the best path.
This is exactly it. I don't care if I sit in doing nothing, if I'm not productive, if I miss an event. If that's what it takes to not drink, that's enough. It's priority.
I met up with a friend exactly a week ago at a restaurant in a hip part of town. My AV definitely came out a bit, seeing all of the people hitting the different bars. When I got home, I realized that one of my biggest obstacles is getting over the "fear of missing out." There is so much more to life than a nice night out with friends here and there. And nice nights out with friends are still on the table without alcohol. All of this just takes a huge amount of rethinking and unlearning, it takes time and conscious effort but it is the best path.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 3,163
less,
Yes yes yes.
And then it will be a few years from now and you will be like me -- cooking for friends and family, pouring great wine, serving up pie, and the thought of drinking yourself will be as alien as skipping the pie (used to do the reverse of course, who was I kidding?).
But as you know, you can only get here if you never drink a sip, not one. Just getting by is MORE than enough -- it is everything.
And those work events we both have to do, I have brought two friends home from different events after they were over-served -- these are very important folks -- so glad its not me anymore. We are blessed to be the lucky ones who beat this.
Do I ocassionally think about a sip, yep. Am I seriously tempted? Not any more.
Too much to lose.
Happy holidays my friend.
Yes yes yes.
And then it will be a few years from now and you will be like me -- cooking for friends and family, pouring great wine, serving up pie, and the thought of drinking yourself will be as alien as skipping the pie (used to do the reverse of course, who was I kidding?).
But as you know, you can only get here if you never drink a sip, not one. Just getting by is MORE than enough -- it is everything.
And those work events we both have to do, I have brought two friends home from different events after they were over-served -- these are very important folks -- so glad its not me anymore. We are blessed to be the lucky ones who beat this.
Do I ocassionally think about a sip, yep. Am I seriously tempted? Not any more.
Too much to lose.
Happy holidays my friend.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Big City
Posts: 3,895
Two holiday dinners, two nights in a row, festive af, lots of good food, company and flowing booze. I just don't partake. There are moments of frustration as provided by my AV, the are many other moments of peace I feel that I'm not trapped in that horrid cycle any longer.
And they are many other feelings and thoughts as I remain sober in a group of drinkers - most people barely imbibing, others getting quite toasted - but regardless of anyone anything, I just don't drink.
Chopping wood, carrying water.
And they are many other feelings and thoughts as I remain sober in a group of drinkers - most people barely imbibing, others getting quite toasted - but regardless of anyone anything, I just don't drink.
Chopping wood, carrying water.
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