Relapse, rinse, repeat
The opposite of addiction is connection.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Location: Oregon, USA
Posts: 373
Relapse, rinse, repeat
Haven't posted here in a while, but I'm planning to get back on regular reading and posting schedule.
Back at Day 1 again. Over the last month or so, I've been able to go to work and drink only in the evenings, but it's only a matter of time before the next life threatening binge strikes. I'm so tired - sick and tired of being sick and tired. I look like crap and am significantly overweight.
Today, I am trying something different. Not only am I staying close to SR, I am also planning two hour self check ins - even setting an alarm on my phone to do so. Am I hungry, thirsty? Where are my emotions? Am I going inward, toward self-centered-ness? Am I craving alcohol? If so, what do I really need? It's right around 3-4pm that the AV starts fussing for attention. I need to anticipate and be prepared. I let myself get distracted with other things, then the AV slips right in and takes the steering wheel.
I live alone, so accountability is hard. I have so much respect for people on here who share stories about fighting through cravings and being 100 percent committed. I want to be sober - but I don't think I know what 100 percent committed to anything even looks like. Maybe someone can explain to me what that's really like? Emotionally, physically? How do you find the commitment? How do you maintain it? Honestly, I think it's a life skill I was never taught. I've told myself I will never drink again so many times I've lost count.
Hopefully someone can help me find it today.
Back at Day 1 again. Over the last month or so, I've been able to go to work and drink only in the evenings, but it's only a matter of time before the next life threatening binge strikes. I'm so tired - sick and tired of being sick and tired. I look like crap and am significantly overweight.
Today, I am trying something different. Not only am I staying close to SR, I am also planning two hour self check ins - even setting an alarm on my phone to do so. Am I hungry, thirsty? Where are my emotions? Am I going inward, toward self-centered-ness? Am I craving alcohol? If so, what do I really need? It's right around 3-4pm that the AV starts fussing for attention. I need to anticipate and be prepared. I let myself get distracted with other things, then the AV slips right in and takes the steering wheel.
I live alone, so accountability is hard. I have so much respect for people on here who share stories about fighting through cravings and being 100 percent committed. I want to be sober - but I don't think I know what 100 percent committed to anything even looks like. Maybe someone can explain to me what that's really like? Emotionally, physically? How do you find the commitment? How do you maintain it? Honestly, I think it's a life skill I was never taught. I've told myself I will never drink again so many times I've lost count.
Hopefully someone can help me find it today.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,476
I'm glad you're back.
It really helped me to pinpoint the most vulnerable time of the day for me, which was 6-7pm. I made a specific plan to be out of the house, walking/hiking, at that time of the day and it made a lot of difference. I think your plan to deal with the 3-4pm time-frame will help you.
It really helped me to pinpoint the most vulnerable time of the day for me, which was 6-7pm. I made a specific plan to be out of the house, walking/hiking, at that time of the day and it made a lot of difference. I think your plan to deal with the 3-4pm time-frame will help you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 514
Hi Pinnacle,
I know just how you feel, and I'm sure a lot of others here do as well. I've never found it difficult to commit to doing things, but have found it tremendously difficult to not do this one thing - drink. As you no doubt know, addiction to anything totally defies logic and reason. It's one thing to know something ,but it's entirely another to actually do something and commit to doing the right thing and following a set path.
For me, I have to reframe things constantly. I try to think of sobriety not just as not drinking, but as a total lifestyle change and shift of mentality. I have to think of this endeavor as one just as noble and necessary as my commitment to things like education and professional development. I think in terms of feeling like you're truly committed, it starts to feel less and less like an active struggle the longer you remain sober. It becomes your norm to not drink, your new normal will involve thinking clearly and not dealing with the horrible self-inflicted sickness and mental anguish. You'll begin to want to better your life in other ways too, such as eating healthier and exercising on the regular. Self-improvement becomes natural, which some people find intimidating or off-putting; you shouldn't be deterred by these people, though.
What you've set out for yourself so far is great, but are you also engaged in an in-person type of sober group like AA or Smart Recovery? People going through what you are going through are everywhere, and support is so necessary to maintain accountability and stay committed. If you haven't already, I would encourage you to find a local group so you can meet others and learn from their experience, in addition to reading things on here. I find that when I rely too much on online support, I still manage to fall back into old patterns and lying streaks to hide my relapses, which I can't do when meeting people in person.
I commend you for your newfound commitment and wish you the very best of luck!!
I know just how you feel, and I'm sure a lot of others here do as well. I've never found it difficult to commit to doing things, but have found it tremendously difficult to not do this one thing - drink. As you no doubt know, addiction to anything totally defies logic and reason. It's one thing to know something ,but it's entirely another to actually do something and commit to doing the right thing and following a set path.
For me, I have to reframe things constantly. I try to think of sobriety not just as not drinking, but as a total lifestyle change and shift of mentality. I have to think of this endeavor as one just as noble and necessary as my commitment to things like education and professional development. I think in terms of feeling like you're truly committed, it starts to feel less and less like an active struggle the longer you remain sober. It becomes your norm to not drink, your new normal will involve thinking clearly and not dealing with the horrible self-inflicted sickness and mental anguish. You'll begin to want to better your life in other ways too, such as eating healthier and exercising on the regular. Self-improvement becomes natural, which some people find intimidating or off-putting; you shouldn't be deterred by these people, though.
What you've set out for yourself so far is great, but are you also engaged in an in-person type of sober group like AA or Smart Recovery? People going through what you are going through are everywhere, and support is so necessary to maintain accountability and stay committed. If you haven't already, I would encourage you to find a local group so you can meet others and learn from their experience, in addition to reading things on here. I find that when I rely too much on online support, I still manage to fall back into old patterns and lying streaks to hide my relapses, which I can't do when meeting people in person.
I commend you for your newfound commitment and wish you the very best of luck!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
Sounds like you've got a bit of a game plan and that's a great start. As far as commitment, I have been a very disciplined person most of my life, with the exception of my alcohol consumption for about 8-9 years. I would go to the book store and look at these motivational or self help books. One of them has to connect with your way of thinking and you can model yourself after that.
Quitting alcohol was hard because there was no contest or prize that I was trying to win, it was just changing a lifestyle. What helped me was thinking about the future. What was the best years of my life gong to be defined by? Not alcohol was my answer. That was October 2015.
Quitting alcohol was hard because there was no contest or prize that I was trying to win, it was just changing a lifestyle. What helped me was thinking about the future. What was the best years of my life gong to be defined by? Not alcohol was my answer. That was October 2015.
The opposite of addiction is connection.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Location: Oregon, USA
Posts: 373
Originally Posted by thomas11 
Quitting alcohol was hard because there was no contest or prize that I was trying to win, it was just changing a lifestyle. What helped me was thinking about the future. What was the best years of my life gong to be defined by? Not alcohol was my answer. That was October 2015.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2018
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 1,339
The psychologist Carl Jung believed that for the addict to recover the experience had to be transformational in nature. Although I don't subscribe to this, for me, as coming through any spiritual awakening, I do believe he was substantially correct in that it must be a complete adjustment of consciousness to a reality of what meaning is without alcohol. I am in a process of changing literally dozens of ways that I think about things in my life, how I evaluate the world about me, what my inner life should and can be, and how I execute to achieve those things that are a moral reshaping (where moral means that which sustains life and well being).
The first part, relatively simple though hard, is a practical decision to set aside the alcohol permanently. Alcohol distorts how I think, how I feel, and ultimately leads me to poor moral decisions and misery. The most important thing for me to do to be successful in changing my life is to not pick up a bottle. In not doing so, that leaves the space and the reasonable (and, if you like, spiritual) capacity to re-frame all the other things that follow from keeping the poison away from my body.
Fortunately, some of the things I do to keep from picking up the drink also work toward changing the way that I think. At 53 it sounds like a crazy notion to believe that one can alter the way one perceives the world, evaluates what is true and what isn't and finally acts upon those things, but it is possible. And like abstinence, it requires practice. AA has steps to follow that are aids in helping one through this type of transformation, and there are other approaches out there that have helped people in both abstinence and in making a full shift in mental and emotional processes, and I've investigated these for myself.
I'm rambling a bit here, so I will stop with what I have stated. You have put together some good ideas about how to refrain from picking up, and that is fundamental. You might journal the other ideas that come into your head in the stopping process to return to later.
I just believe that anything that can distort us so completely as humans, as souls, as members of a community that we have to be functional participants in, does take a reformation of everything that we are to ultimately achieve the most probable outcome of success. IMO.
The first part, relatively simple though hard, is a practical decision to set aside the alcohol permanently. Alcohol distorts how I think, how I feel, and ultimately leads me to poor moral decisions and misery. The most important thing for me to do to be successful in changing my life is to not pick up a bottle. In not doing so, that leaves the space and the reasonable (and, if you like, spiritual) capacity to re-frame all the other things that follow from keeping the poison away from my body.
Fortunately, some of the things I do to keep from picking up the drink also work toward changing the way that I think. At 53 it sounds like a crazy notion to believe that one can alter the way one perceives the world, evaluates what is true and what isn't and finally acts upon those things, but it is possible. And like abstinence, it requires practice. AA has steps to follow that are aids in helping one through this type of transformation, and there are other approaches out there that have helped people in both abstinence and in making a full shift in mental and emotional processes, and I've investigated these for myself.
I'm rambling a bit here, so I will stop with what I have stated. You have put together some good ideas about how to refrain from picking up, and that is fundamental. You might journal the other ideas that come into your head in the stopping process to return to later.
I just believe that anything that can distort us so completely as humans, as souls, as members of a community that we have to be functional participants in, does take a reformation of everything that we are to ultimately achieve the most probable outcome of success. IMO.
The opposite of addiction is connection.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Location: Oregon, USA
Posts: 373
Thank you Guener. At 51 myself I get what you are saying about changing perceptions. I also remember, in my past windows of sobriety, how profoundly different my perceptions were when I was sober for an extended period. I distinctly remember one day, when I was driving, the sun was shining, and I just felt connected to everything around me.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by PinnacleOR
...I don't think I know what 100 percent committed to anything even looks like. Maybe someone can explain to me what that's really like? Emotionally, physically? How do you find the commitment? How do you maintain it? Honestly, I think it's a life skill I was never taught. I've told myself I will never drink again so many times I've lost count.
Did you finish school? Hold a job? Maintain relationships over the years? Maintain an interest or hobby for a number of years? Given your word and kept it?
If you done any of those things, you've had commitment. You just haven't had commitment to sobriety.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,384
I believe you can do it Pinnacle.
Quitting drink, for goof, forever is scary - but courage is not about not feeling fear...its about feeling fear and doing it anyway.
You can take your life back and re-discover the real you
D
Quitting drink, for goof, forever is scary - but courage is not about not feeling fear...its about feeling fear and doing it anyway.
You can take your life back and re-discover the real you
D
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,537
Proud of you for returning, Pinnacle. We're your friends & we are on your side always.
I had to find the commitment & maintain it - I had no choice. I was looking death in the eye. I kept relapsing until I was completely dependent on it, drinking all day, every day. You're wise to realize it can get to that point, no matter how much willpower we think we have. I never thought I would sink to the depths that I did. Regain your sobriety - you can do it!
I had to find the commitment & maintain it - I had no choice. I was looking death in the eye. I kept relapsing until I was completely dependent on it, drinking all day, every day. You're wise to realize it can get to that point, no matter how much willpower we think we have. I never thought I would sink to the depths that I did. Regain your sobriety - you can do it!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,937
Originally Posted by PinnacleOR
I live alone, so accountability is hard. I have so much respect for people on here who share stories about fighting through cravings and being 100 percent committed. I want to be sober - but I don't think I know what 100 percent committed to anything even looks like. Maybe someone can explain to me what that's really like? Emotionally, physically? How do you find the commitment? How do you maintain it? Honestly, I think it's a life skill I was never taught. I've told myself I will never drink again so many times I've lost count.
Hopefully someone can help me find it today.
Hopefully someone can help me find it today.
Now booze just doesn't exist for me anymore. It's not hard to not drink since booze just isn't an option at all. As long as life still holds even a shred of appeal I simply can't drink. And if I did want to die booze would be a long, cruel way to do it.
I'm glad you're back and trying again, PinnacleOR.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 349
Pinnacle,
I made my health a priority when I quit. Drinking left me a bloated mess, and vanity played a part in my decision to finally quit. I was getting older, and it certainly wasn’t going to get better on its own.
For me, sugary foods make me feel unwell so fruit became my go to when I needed something. I also started an exercise “program” early on, which consisted of walking at first, then some interval running, and daily yoga. It helped pass the time in the early days, and it also kept me aware of what alcohol had done to my body. Slow and steady.
I documented my progress with a tape measure. It was difficult at first to take a hard look at myself, but it had an incredible payoff.
My sobriety became an investment in myself. Time passed, as it always does, but over time I could see the physical changes, and it became its own motivation. Backsliding into drinking made as much sense as pulling 1000$ out of the bank and setting it on fire. Because look! I did insert fitness activity and didn’t keel over! And it just got better and better.
I can do now almost everything I could when I was younger. Nothing can change the fact that I’m in my late forties, but I’m much healthier now than 5 years ago. And nothing hardcore...only things I love. Hiking, walking, and 30 minutes on the yoga mat daily. It’s all as routine now as popping that bottle open used to be.
I did this by myself. Not sure what to call it except stubborness. It was lonely sometimes, but you already know that exercise quickly becomes its own motivation.
So, that’s in addition to all the other physical, mental, emotional benefits of sobriety. I just thought that since I related so much to your comments about missing your previous fitness, you might like to hear my perspectice looking back on a little over a year sober. Those same mountains are waiting for your return!
-bora
I made my health a priority when I quit. Drinking left me a bloated mess, and vanity played a part in my decision to finally quit. I was getting older, and it certainly wasn’t going to get better on its own.
For me, sugary foods make me feel unwell so fruit became my go to when I needed something. I also started an exercise “program” early on, which consisted of walking at first, then some interval running, and daily yoga. It helped pass the time in the early days, and it also kept me aware of what alcohol had done to my body. Slow and steady.
I documented my progress with a tape measure. It was difficult at first to take a hard look at myself, but it had an incredible payoff.
My sobriety became an investment in myself. Time passed, as it always does, but over time I could see the physical changes, and it became its own motivation. Backsliding into drinking made as much sense as pulling 1000$ out of the bank and setting it on fire. Because look! I did insert fitness activity and didn’t keel over! And it just got better and better.
I can do now almost everything I could when I was younger. Nothing can change the fact that I’m in my late forties, but I’m much healthier now than 5 years ago. And nothing hardcore...only things I love. Hiking, walking, and 30 minutes on the yoga mat daily. It’s all as routine now as popping that bottle open used to be.
I did this by myself. Not sure what to call it except stubborness. It was lonely sometimes, but you already know that exercise quickly becomes its own motivation.
So, that’s in addition to all the other physical, mental, emotional benefits of sobriety. I just thought that since I related so much to your comments about missing your previous fitness, you might like to hear my perspectice looking back on a little over a year sober. Those same mountains are waiting for your return!
-bora
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 22
First day
I wanted to join this group for a long time. I think I’m finally acknowledging I have a problem. It’s so hard. I want to quite and when I do I always feel great. No hiding, no guilt, happiness. But then after four days I think I can handle a drink and I fall right back into the same routine. I’m laying here and I feel awful. Reading everyones posts are inspiring and I hope to be able to post my sobriety too. Thanks for listening.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,384
Hi Summer
I sent you a personal message but I made you your own thread here:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...first-day.html (First day)
You;ll get more response that way - this Forum is not quite like a chat room - a forums a little less instant and a little more organised
D
I sent you a personal message but I made you your own thread here:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...first-day.html (First day)
You;ll get more response that way - this Forum is not quite like a chat room - a forums a little less instant and a little more organised
D
Only by the Grace of God....
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Gratitude and Thanks
Posts: 83
Read the Big Book, go to 90 meetings in 90 days, find-ask someone to sponsor you (ask for help), Do what the sponsor suggests, Do the 12 steps in order.
We alcoholics are sometimes to smart for our own good. This is a simple program. Honesty Openmindedness Willingness
“Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves.” BB pg 58
I was one of these people for a long time. You can do it, if you are willing.
We alcoholics are sometimes to smart for our own good. This is a simple program. Honesty Openmindedness Willingness
“Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves.” BB pg 58
I was one of these people for a long time. You can do it, if you are willing.
The opposite of addiction is connection.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Location: Oregon, USA
Posts: 373
Thank you all, helpful words! I’ll stay close today, I’m actually moving (three blocks but still moving!) so it will be a bit chaotic. Lease ended so had to go. At the same time my lovely dog is losing his grip on life. He’s 13 and has been a great companion. So I’m dealing with some up and down emotions- sadness, anxiety, fear.
Echoing what Guener said, I’m going to go slow and steady today, stay present, and work on reframing my perspective. Just today. I have a lot for which I’m grateful. And there’s so much suffering in the world, today I want to be of help.
I’ll be sticking around and give updates on the move!
Echoing what Guener said, I’m going to go slow and steady today, stay present, and work on reframing my perspective. Just today. I have a lot for which I’m grateful. And there’s so much suffering in the world, today I want to be of help.
I’ll be sticking around and give updates on the move!
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