worried about my husband's health
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worried about my husband's health
Hello to you all. I have found a lot of comfort and strength from your posts over the last few months, This is my first post. In January I moved out of my family home as a temporary measure. I had reached the end of my tether with my husband's drinking. We have been together for 18 years, I have been sober for the last 12. We have teenage children. As I imagined he would he chose alcohol above all else and we have not managed to reconcile our marriage. In August he started sleeping with a crazy drunk woman that turned up. I was devastated. I have moved around different temporary accommodations, trying to stay near to the kids. I had a health issue that I ignored, waiting for my husband to get better so I could be ill. I do realise the insanity of this. When I eventually went to the doctor I was rushed into hospital for tests and operated on the following week – full hysterectomy which also brought on instant menopause. Two weeks later I got the biopsy results, positive for cancer but it was contained and before they give me the all clear they want to do another surgery. It looks good but it is a big operation and another 6 week recovery.
Luckily, I have some very good friends who have looked after me throughout. I was technically homeless when I went into hospital. My friends made me move out of the tiny house I was renting and sharing with a rat. I totally resisted this at the time but now I am so glad I did. I have been staying with friends for my recovery period (about 7 weeks) and have just moved into a house on my own, rented to me by a very dear friend. There is space here for my kids so they are coming to stay regularly which is great. Our relationship has been very damaged by my leaving home, but now that they live with their alcoholic father without me they are starting to understand why I left.
So why have I decided to actually post? Today I saw my husband in the street. I was in a car so just caught a glimpse of him. It's the first time I have seen him in 2 months. I was shocked by his appearance. He looked grey and very ill. I told the kids this when I saw them later and they confided in me that he has been coughing up blood. He has been anything but supportive over the last few months, he's neglected the kids, got into debt, carried on a destructive relationship with the crazy woman and has continued to blame me for all his problems, etc. I know he is ill, mentally, and I try not to take anything personally and I do still love him. I feel now he is physically ill and I want to help him. The kids say they have asked him to go to the doctor but he hasn't. They are very worried about him. I want to offer to take him to the doctor tomorrow. I am in quite good health at the moment. I am making a good recovery but do have to have another surgery very soon.
I need to minimise my stress and I know getting into anything with my husband is very bad for my state of mind. I have been mostly no contact with him since September, we only talk about practical things which usually isn't too bad. I have been worried about his health for years but now I am really worried . He has no intention of stopping drinking. He would rather die and has said so in counseling. But dying now would be really bad timing for the kids with me having health issues too.
I'm just trying to work out the best course of action. Is it more stressful to do something or to do nothing? I know he's an adult and is perfectly capable of looking after himself but he is in so much denial about his whole life he won't go to the doctor. He never goes to doctors, dentists, the school, any sort of office or 'authority' Those things have always been my department. When I ran one of the kids over (by accident) when he was 3 years old my husband tried to talk me out of taking him to A&E. He was terrified of what the doctor would say!! I went in alone and he got x-rayed. He was fine, just a bit bruised. I was so upset but the doctor held me to his chest while I sobbed my heart out and he said it's ok, these things happen. It was an accident. I got more support from a total stranger than I did from my husband.
I have lost so much in the last few months. I don't want to lose my husband too, even though in one sense he's already gone. It's been so painful watching him spiral. I'm trying to keep the focus on myself but I just can't stop worrying about him.
Thank you for listening
Luckily, I have some very good friends who have looked after me throughout. I was technically homeless when I went into hospital. My friends made me move out of the tiny house I was renting and sharing with a rat. I totally resisted this at the time but now I am so glad I did. I have been staying with friends for my recovery period (about 7 weeks) and have just moved into a house on my own, rented to me by a very dear friend. There is space here for my kids so they are coming to stay regularly which is great. Our relationship has been very damaged by my leaving home, but now that they live with their alcoholic father without me they are starting to understand why I left.
So why have I decided to actually post? Today I saw my husband in the street. I was in a car so just caught a glimpse of him. It's the first time I have seen him in 2 months. I was shocked by his appearance. He looked grey and very ill. I told the kids this when I saw them later and they confided in me that he has been coughing up blood. He has been anything but supportive over the last few months, he's neglected the kids, got into debt, carried on a destructive relationship with the crazy woman and has continued to blame me for all his problems, etc. I know he is ill, mentally, and I try not to take anything personally and I do still love him. I feel now he is physically ill and I want to help him. The kids say they have asked him to go to the doctor but he hasn't. They are very worried about him. I want to offer to take him to the doctor tomorrow. I am in quite good health at the moment. I am making a good recovery but do have to have another surgery very soon.
I need to minimise my stress and I know getting into anything with my husband is very bad for my state of mind. I have been mostly no contact with him since September, we only talk about practical things which usually isn't too bad. I have been worried about his health for years but now I am really worried . He has no intention of stopping drinking. He would rather die and has said so in counseling. But dying now would be really bad timing for the kids with me having health issues too.
I'm just trying to work out the best course of action. Is it more stressful to do something or to do nothing? I know he's an adult and is perfectly capable of looking after himself but he is in so much denial about his whole life he won't go to the doctor. He never goes to doctors, dentists, the school, any sort of office or 'authority' Those things have always been my department. When I ran one of the kids over (by accident) when he was 3 years old my husband tried to talk me out of taking him to A&E. He was terrified of what the doctor would say!! I went in alone and he got x-rayed. He was fine, just a bit bruised. I was so upset but the doctor held me to his chest while I sobbed my heart out and he said it's ok, these things happen. It was an accident. I got more support from a total stranger than I did from my husband.
I have lost so much in the last few months. I don't want to lose my husband too, even though in one sense he's already gone. It's been so painful watching him spiral. I'm trying to keep the focus on myself but I just can't stop worrying about him.
Thank you for listening
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Join Date: Jul 2017
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He has no intention of stopping drinking. He would rather die and has said so in counseling. But dying now would be really bad timing for the kids with me having health issues too.
If this truly is his attitude, what exactly is there left for you to do? You can't make someone care about themselves or others. Let go and save yourself and your kids. There is nothing that can be done about timing, either. That is out of anyone's hands. My heart goes out to you and your family.
If this truly is his attitude, what exactly is there left for you to do? You can't make someone care about themselves or others. Let go and save yourself and your kids. There is nothing that can be done about timing, either. That is out of anyone's hands. My heart goes out to you and your family.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
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If you think it would ease your mind a bit, would you consider sending your husband a letter saying “I am concerned about your health deteriorating. I think you should go to a hospital”? As long as you keep your expectations realistic (he won’t do anything), and don’t take it on yourself to convince or persuade or induce him to go to the hospital (which will just get you into a power struggle with an active alcoholic), I think that stating your concerns is fine. And it might make you feel better, no matter what impact it has on him.
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Amaranth...….a couple of questions.....what are the exact ages of your children...young teens or older teens? I think that gives us some info. to go on....
I am a medical person, but, I don't know if you live in the U.S., as I do....I do know that our medical system works differently than in other countries.....
Also, our services are different, here.....
I am a medical person, but, I don't know if you live in the U.S., as I do....I do know that our medical system works differently than in other countries.....
Also, our services are different, here.....
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Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 436
Hello dandylion
my kids are older teens. We live in Europe but we're immigrants. I legalised myself and the kids this year so we have health care now. I offered it to my husband too, even though I was not living at home at the time but he didn't want it. He would have to go to the private doctor and if he needed serious treatment ( more than just antibiotics) he would have to go back to his own country.
He's got no car and no money (although he always seems to be in the bar) I want to offer because I can drive him and I can pay. It will make the kids feel better. I would worry less too.
my kids are older teens. We live in Europe but we're immigrants. I legalised myself and the kids this year so we have health care now. I offered it to my husband too, even though I was not living at home at the time but he didn't want it. He would have to go to the private doctor and if he needed serious treatment ( more than just antibiotics) he would have to go back to his own country.
He's got no car and no money (although he always seems to be in the bar) I want to offer because I can drive him and I can pay. It will make the kids feel better. I would worry less too.
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Amaranth......thanks for sharing the additional information. I can surely appreciate the challenges that your situation presents....you must be a strong person to have kept things afloat, considering the circumstances....
I know that it breaks your heart to see your husband's condition....
by the way--he is probably getting the money for the bar from the new woman....
The 3 Cs.....You didn't Cause it; You can't Cure it; and you can't Control it (his alcoholism and his stubbornness and fear)….
I think, that, right now, your energy will be best turned to preserving your health and the best welfare for your children. Those are things that you DO have control over...and, which will make the greatest difference, in the future....
Thankfully, you have those dear friends! Your sources of support are so essential....
Have you heard of the Serenity Prayer?.....I think it might be of solace to you, right now....
Here is a link to it....
http://www.thetravelersnest.com/wp-c...intablePDF.pdf
I know that it breaks your heart to see your husband's condition....
by the way--he is probably getting the money for the bar from the new woman....
The 3 Cs.....You didn't Cause it; You can't Cure it; and you can't Control it (his alcoholism and his stubbornness and fear)….
I think, that, right now, your energy will be best turned to preserving your health and the best welfare for your children. Those are things that you DO have control over...and, which will make the greatest difference, in the future....
Thankfully, you have those dear friends! Your sources of support are so essential....
Have you heard of the Serenity Prayer?.....I think it might be of solace to you, right now....
Here is a link to it....
http://www.thetravelersnest.com/wp-c...intablePDF.pdf
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Join Date: Sep 2018
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thank you dandylion
he is working for the new woman but he ends up owing her money. Work that one out!
I am very familiar with the serenity prayer, I like the extended version. At least, it's one of the extended versions.
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference
Grant me patience with the changes that take time
Appreciation of all that I have
Tolerance of those with different struggles
And the strength to get up and try again
One day at a time
I know I must put myself first. I'm not going to act on this today. I'm going to have a hot bath and make some nice food.
he is working for the new woman but he ends up owing her money. Work that one out!
I am very familiar with the serenity prayer, I like the extended version. At least, it's one of the extended versions.
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference
Grant me patience with the changes that take time
Appreciation of all that I have
Tolerance of those with different struggles
And the strength to get up and try again
One day at a time
I know I must put myself first. I'm not going to act on this today. I'm going to have a hot bath and make some nice food.
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I managed to get through the day without acting on the urge to phone him. I instead I turned all that love for him on myself and had a day of indulgent self care. And I cried a lot.
Worrying about him doesn't make him better, it only makes me sicker.
I left him because I no longer wanted to live with his verbal abuse and I no longer wanted to watch him drink himself to death.
I am recovering from a major operation and preparing myself for another. I have just moved into a new house and I'm trying to build myself a new life. I'm very vulnerable. What part of me actually thought that being confined in the small space of a car with my husband doing an hour's drive to the doctor and an hour back was a good idea? I've only just starting driving again after the operation and I've only done short 15 minute drives. I'm not even physically ready.
I guess when my codependency is raging I feel invincible and that I can do anything and save people that don't even want to be saved. I have learned that hard way that this is my delusion. Sometimes I am just as sick as the alcoholic.
He is an adult and perfectly capable of looking after himself. I will have to sit back and let him work it out, no matter how painful that is for me.
It's so hard to watch the man I love crash and burn.
Worrying about him doesn't make him better, it only makes me sicker.
I left him because I no longer wanted to live with his verbal abuse and I no longer wanted to watch him drink himself to death.
I am recovering from a major operation and preparing myself for another. I have just moved into a new house and I'm trying to build myself a new life. I'm very vulnerable. What part of me actually thought that being confined in the small space of a car with my husband doing an hour's drive to the doctor and an hour back was a good idea? I've only just starting driving again after the operation and I've only done short 15 minute drives. I'm not even physically ready.
I guess when my codependency is raging I feel invincible and that I can do anything and save people that don't even want to be saved. I have learned that hard way that this is my delusion. Sometimes I am just as sick as the alcoholic.
He is an adult and perfectly capable of looking after himself. I will have to sit back and let him work it out, no matter how painful that is for me.
It's so hard to watch the man I love crash and burn.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
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I just wanted to commiserate with you. It is insanely hard to leave them to their own devices, especially when their health is declining and you know it's only going to get worse 
It feels like if we can just get them to see that they are killing themselves, maybe they will see the light.
I've only recently started understanding what codependency is and how it relates to me. It's so sneaky, making us feel like we know best and that we need to do whatever we can to save our loved one. I don't think these tendencies in and of themselves are a problem, who wouldn't want to get their loved one to a doctor when their health was failing?
I think for me the line being crossed in this thinking when it comes to our A's is that they are surely aware of their declining health a lot more than we realize. And they are surely capable of making their own doctor appointments and lining up rides for them. And they have to want to save themselves before any assistance we offer is even worthwhile.
My ABF also admits he just wants to drink himself to death 😢 And he's doing a damn good job of it. It's like at a point, it's just too painful to them to get sober because then they would have to look at all they have lost and sacrificed to alcohol over the decades. And so they choose to just keep on going full force so they'll never have to face the built up shame and guilt and regret and loss that somewhere deep inside, they know they brought onto themselves. It's just awful for us being privy to that painful knowledge. It's nearly unbearable.
I have noticed that the strongest urges to save my ABF come and go in waves, so I try to hold off for at least a day before I take any action on one of my urges. Often the compulsion lessens for me, or circumstances change, or I gain a new perspective.
It goes against everything inside me, the codependent parts and not, to stand by and watch my loved one kill himself. I am trying to do what you're doing and turn that love and desire to rescue and assist onto myself. It's the only person in our lives that we truly have control over and that might actually respond how we want.
I think you're doing great and making wise decisions. As others mentioned, all we can really do is tell our A's that we think they should go to the doctor. The rest is up to them
I hate this for you, for me, for all of us.
It feels like if we can just get them to see that they are killing themselves, maybe they will see the light.I've only recently started understanding what codependency is and how it relates to me. It's so sneaky, making us feel like we know best and that we need to do whatever we can to save our loved one. I don't think these tendencies in and of themselves are a problem, who wouldn't want to get their loved one to a doctor when their health was failing?
I think for me the line being crossed in this thinking when it comes to our A's is that they are surely aware of their declining health a lot more than we realize. And they are surely capable of making their own doctor appointments and lining up rides for them. And they have to want to save themselves before any assistance we offer is even worthwhile.
My ABF also admits he just wants to drink himself to death 😢 And he's doing a damn good job of it. It's like at a point, it's just too painful to them to get sober because then they would have to look at all they have lost and sacrificed to alcohol over the decades. And so they choose to just keep on going full force so they'll never have to face the built up shame and guilt and regret and loss that somewhere deep inside, they know they brought onto themselves. It's just awful for us being privy to that painful knowledge. It's nearly unbearable.
I have noticed that the strongest urges to save my ABF come and go in waves, so I try to hold off for at least a day before I take any action on one of my urges. Often the compulsion lessens for me, or circumstances change, or I gain a new perspective.
It goes against everything inside me, the codependent parts and not, to stand by and watch my loved one kill himself. I am trying to do what you're doing and turn that love and desire to rescue and assist onto myself. It's the only person in our lives that we truly have control over and that might actually respond how we want.
I think you're doing great and making wise decisions. As others mentioned, all we can really do is tell our A's that we think they should go to the doctor. The rest is up to them
I hate this for you, for me, for all of us.
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Join Date: Sep 2018
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Hi trinity
I'm sorry to hear you too are watching your loved one self destruct.
I buckled today and phoned my husband. He's away for the weekend. He sent a message to the kids saying he's too ill to come home he's throwing up and can't move. It's gastric flu. His weekend has been ruined.
The kids are worried sick, he didn't say where he was going or who with. So I phoned him to ask him to please go to a doctor. What the hell is gastric flu anyway. It was horrible. He just doesn't care about his kids or himself or me. I just got a load of blame as usual.
I was already upset because I moved my stuff out of our house yesterday. Although I moved out in January I have been very unsettled and only last week moved into a place that feels safe and that it could be long term.
The pain of seeing the degraded state of our beautiful home was almost unbearable.
Leaving is not an instant fix it's just another step on the long road of loving an addict. It's going to take so long to disentangle myself from this physically and emotionally I found myself wondering today if it would have been easier just to stay.
I thought I was worn out when I left. I'm much more worn out now.
I'm sorry to hear you too are watching your loved one self destruct.
I buckled today and phoned my husband. He's away for the weekend. He sent a message to the kids saying he's too ill to come home he's throwing up and can't move. It's gastric flu. His weekend has been ruined.
The kids are worried sick, he didn't say where he was going or who with. So I phoned him to ask him to please go to a doctor. What the hell is gastric flu anyway. It was horrible. He just doesn't care about his kids or himself or me. I just got a load of blame as usual.
I was already upset because I moved my stuff out of our house yesterday. Although I moved out in January I have been very unsettled and only last week moved into a place that feels safe and that it could be long term.
The pain of seeing the degraded state of our beautiful home was almost unbearable.
Leaving is not an instant fix it's just another step on the long road of loving an addict. It's going to take so long to disentangle myself from this physically and emotionally I found myself wondering today if it would have been easier just to stay.
I thought I was worn out when I left. I'm much more worn out now.
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Amaranth.....I do understand how exhausted you must be...as you have been dealing with this for a long time....but, I don't think you would be any less exhausted by watching him closer up.....
Having some distance is the only way that I know of that can give you enough room to breathe and to function in a way to keep the disease from taking you all the way to the bottom.....a way of self-preservation...which you have a right to....
Just as important, I think, is a way to give your children some respite...and a place to go away from living the horrible emotional experience of watching a parent take this gruesome path...on a constant basis....
This is a powerful experience that shapes a developing young person...with life long consequences.....
You are a powerful role model for them, just now...and, the only one that they can lean on or depend on.....you are, literally, the captain of their ship....
I think that there comes a time when you just have to do what you know that you have to do...even if it is difficult and if it is what you never wanted to have to do....sometimes, the right thing is also the hardest thing....
I know that it is easy and human to begin to second guess yourself...especially when you are feeling desperate to find another answer.....but, remember that you WERE there and it did not stop him or make any positive difference....going back or staying in the middle of it will not change the direction of what is going on with your husband....
Having some distance is the only way that I know of that can give you enough room to breathe and to function in a way to keep the disease from taking you all the way to the bottom.....a way of self-preservation...which you have a right to....
Just as important, I think, is a way to give your children some respite...and a place to go away from living the horrible emotional experience of watching a parent take this gruesome path...on a constant basis....
This is a powerful experience that shapes a developing young person...with life long consequences.....
You are a powerful role model for them, just now...and, the only one that they can lean on or depend on.....you are, literally, the captain of their ship....
I think that there comes a time when you just have to do what you know that you have to do...even if it is difficult and if it is what you never wanted to have to do....sometimes, the right thing is also the hardest thing....
I know that it is easy and human to begin to second guess yourself...especially when you are feeling desperate to find another answer.....but, remember that you WERE there and it did not stop him or make any positive difference....going back or staying in the middle of it will not change the direction of what is going on with your husband....
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" remember that you WERE there and it did not stop him or make any positive difference...."
thank you for this Dandylion. I need to remember that years and years of my efforts made no difference. Why would they make any difference now?
I had a complete melt down over the weekend. I know no contact is the only way to go but when I start to feel stronger I seem to think if I try to talk to him it will be different and we might be able to resolve something. I start to believe he might hear me!
I'm due to go back into hospital and I guess if I'm really honest with myself I want some support from him. It's a scary time.
But asking him for something I know he is not able to give just sets me up for more disappointment and rejection. I wish I could stop doing it to myself.
thank you for this Dandylion. I need to remember that years and years of my efforts made no difference. Why would they make any difference now?
I had a complete melt down over the weekend. I know no contact is the only way to go but when I start to feel stronger I seem to think if I try to talk to him it will be different and we might be able to resolve something. I start to believe he might hear me!
I'm due to go back into hospital and I guess if I'm really honest with myself I want some support from him. It's a scary time.
But asking him for something I know he is not able to give just sets me up for more disappointment and rejection. I wish I could stop doing it to myself.
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Amaranth.....recognizing it for what it truly is...is a very important first step! It looks like you might be at that point...so give yourself credit for this much.....
No question that this is really hard...but, as long as you don't give up and go backwards, you will come out of this o.k...….
Your health is so important....so, take all the support from your good friends that you can get.....don't be shy about that...you can always "pay it forward" to them , or others, later.....
No question that this is really hard...but, as long as you don't give up and go backwards, you will come out of this o.k...….
Your health is so important....so, take all the support from your good friends that you can get.....don't be shy about that...you can always "pay it forward" to them , or others, later.....
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It's terrible to watch those you care about not take care of themselves. However, this is part of why you left. The reality is he may drink himself to death. He may not. Either way, it's his own decision to get help. It's time for you to focus on you and your children.
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I saw my husband for the first time in 2 months yesterday. I had a pretty big operation a few days ago and he brought the kids to visit. Just before they arrived the nurse had got me out of bed into the chair for the first time and put me on a morphine drip. I had a bad reaction and ended up naked sweating and panicking with drips and drains hanging out all over me and a massive dressing up my middle. It was horrible.
one of my kids left the room the other got a wet towel and tried to cool me down. My husband sat in the furthest corner of the room apparently immobilised. Eventually he came and helped me get into a fresh hospital gown.
I'm really sorry my kids had to see me like that.
Now I've had a message my husband is coming to see me alone tomorrow. I'm kind of wondering why??
I'm a bit vulnerable and feeling a bit anxious. I really don't have the strength to get sucked back in the moment
one of my kids left the room the other got a wet towel and tried to cool me down. My husband sat in the furthest corner of the room apparently immobilised. Eventually he came and helped me get into a fresh hospital gown.
I'm really sorry my kids had to see me like that.
Now I've had a message my husband is coming to see me alone tomorrow. I'm kind of wondering why??
I'm a bit vulnerable and feeling a bit anxious. I really don't have the strength to get sucked back in the moment
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Amaranth......I am glad to hear that this operation is over, at least....
One time, several years ago, I had emergency abdominal surgery....so, I can relate to how you feel.....OMG--I was sooo shocked. I am a medical person, myself, and I had been guilty of getting hundreds of people out of bed after surgery...lol...and I never really knew how bad they felt!
Please don't worry about h ow you look to other people...even your children. I am sure that they love you and want you to get better....and, maybe, it is not a bad thing for them to see what you are going through....as they may be more compassionate for your physical health....
I don't think it would be a good idea for you to talk to him, in any detail about your relationship....right now. Yes, you are too vulnerable....and, regaining your stable health is the most important thing in your life, right now....
If you feel stressed when he arrives....tell him that you need to go to sleep and ring the nurse, and tell the nurse that you feel too tired to visit, any longer.....
Thank you for the update.....
:
One time, several years ago, I had emergency abdominal surgery....so, I can relate to how you feel.....OMG--I was sooo shocked. I am a medical person, myself, and I had been guilty of getting hundreds of people out of bed after surgery...lol...and I never really knew how bad they felt!
Please don't worry about h ow you look to other people...even your children. I am sure that they love you and want you to get better....and, maybe, it is not a bad thing for them to see what you are going through....as they may be more compassionate for your physical health....
I don't think it would be a good idea for you to talk to him, in any detail about your relationship....right now. Yes, you are too vulnerable....and, regaining your stable health is the most important thing in your life, right now....
If you feel stressed when he arrives....tell him that you need to go to sleep and ring the nurse, and tell the nurse that you feel too tired to visit, any longer.....
Thank you for the update.....
:
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Thank you for the virtual flowers dandylion. I will definitely try to keep the conversation to hospital food and other such superficial subjects. I've been trying to have a conversation about our relationship for 11 months. Tomorrow is not the day
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