Back Again
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 25
Back Again
Hello all, I am returning to this forum after a four-ish month break. I was able to stay sober for a few weeks before letting go again, and I regret it. I kept assuring myself that I was fine, continued to "only" (how I justified it to myself) drink once or twice a week, but each time I binged and couldn't stop and was so mad at myself the next day.
I moved out of my parents house and returned to the real world. Due to a heaping pile of debt I had been living with my Mom and Step Dad, and felt like a loser having to stay with them. But now I am in a new apartment, which I am grateful for, with my best friend in the whole world whom I will refer to as Nicole.
Nicole is an alcoholic. There have been times I have enabled her, times she has enabled me, times neither of us cared about anything. I feel like in the past our friendship was always true, but we were sometimes toxic for each other.
She had been staying at my parents house as well, after a nasty break up from a toxic boyfriend and my family and I totally supported her in her decision to leave him. After a scare a few months ago she was on medication to help her from drinking, and I thought she might still be drinking occasionally but I thought she was over the worst. That's when I signed the lease for the apartment... a few day later I noticed her eyes were yellow and her skin was yellow and at the advice of a doctor she had seen I took her to the ER where she was transferred to a different hospital where a specialist could see her. Seeing her in the hospital scared and shocked the **** out of me. They gave her 5 years to live if she continues to drink, and she has now quit cold turkey and I have as well.
A part of me is stopping because my best friend will die if she drinks, I want to support her and be a good example. But the main reason is for myself. Time and time again alcohol has shown it's true face to me, I get myself into trouble with the law, I lie, I say things I don't mean, I turn into someone else, I hurt people, and usually I either can't remember what I have done or have a really hard time piecing it back together. Even in alcohol will never be done with me, I AM DONE WITH ALCOHOL.
Today is my 11th day sober. Some days have been easy peasy. Some days have not.
I attended my work Thanksgiving party where there was a lot of alcohol, it bothered me in the beginning because I always want to drink when I am anxious and for the first half four or so I was really uncomfortable. After that I settled in and felt fine.
Last weekend was the first weekend I had off that I didn't go out to the bar. I had a friend ask me to go out with them, I declined. I had a friend message me and talk about her experience at the bar she was at. I declined.
Yesterday my Uncle died. I was hit with so many different emotions at once and all I could think about was getting sh*tfaced. I even texted a bar fly friend of mine. Thank God they were busy because I don't think I could of stopped myself. I cried, felt angry, and was in just a flurry of panic for a few hours, and the whole time I wanted to drown my sorrows in shots because then I knew I wouldn't have to feel. BUT I DIDN'T. I made it through the night. I felt horrible during the cravings, but I feel proud of myself that I was able to make it through.
The next few days/weeks are really going to test me. But I have a new found faith in myself, and I know becoming a regular poster here will help me.
Thank you for having me, keep me in your thoughts and prayers.
I moved out of my parents house and returned to the real world. Due to a heaping pile of debt I had been living with my Mom and Step Dad, and felt like a loser having to stay with them. But now I am in a new apartment, which I am grateful for, with my best friend in the whole world whom I will refer to as Nicole.
Nicole is an alcoholic. There have been times I have enabled her, times she has enabled me, times neither of us cared about anything. I feel like in the past our friendship was always true, but we were sometimes toxic for each other.
She had been staying at my parents house as well, after a nasty break up from a toxic boyfriend and my family and I totally supported her in her decision to leave him. After a scare a few months ago she was on medication to help her from drinking, and I thought she might still be drinking occasionally but I thought she was over the worst. That's when I signed the lease for the apartment... a few day later I noticed her eyes were yellow and her skin was yellow and at the advice of a doctor she had seen I took her to the ER where she was transferred to a different hospital where a specialist could see her. Seeing her in the hospital scared and shocked the **** out of me. They gave her 5 years to live if she continues to drink, and she has now quit cold turkey and I have as well.
A part of me is stopping because my best friend will die if she drinks, I want to support her and be a good example. But the main reason is for myself. Time and time again alcohol has shown it's true face to me, I get myself into trouble with the law, I lie, I say things I don't mean, I turn into someone else, I hurt people, and usually I either can't remember what I have done or have a really hard time piecing it back together. Even in alcohol will never be done with me, I AM DONE WITH ALCOHOL.
Today is my 11th day sober. Some days have been easy peasy. Some days have not.
I attended my work Thanksgiving party where there was a lot of alcohol, it bothered me in the beginning because I always want to drink when I am anxious and for the first half four or so I was really uncomfortable. After that I settled in and felt fine.
Last weekend was the first weekend I had off that I didn't go out to the bar. I had a friend ask me to go out with them, I declined. I had a friend message me and talk about her experience at the bar she was at. I declined.
Yesterday my Uncle died. I was hit with so many different emotions at once and all I could think about was getting sh*tfaced. I even texted a bar fly friend of mine. Thank God they were busy because I don't think I could of stopped myself. I cried, felt angry, and was in just a flurry of panic for a few hours, and the whole time I wanted to drown my sorrows in shots because then I knew I wouldn't have to feel. BUT I DIDN'T. I made it through the night. I felt horrible during the cravings, but I feel proud of myself that I was able to make it through.
The next few days/weeks are really going to test me. But I have a new found faith in myself, and I know becoming a regular poster here will help me.
Thank you for having me, keep me in your thoughts and prayers.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,357
Welcome back 
I'm sorry for your loss but I'm glad that you're back - and you're right you need to do this for you - not your friend or anyone else.
11 days is a great start tho - congrats
D
I'm sorry for your loss but I'm glad that you're back - and you're right you need to do this for you - not your friend or anyone else.
11 days is a great start tho - congrats
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 25
Thank you Dee and Anna!
Seeing her in the hospital like that was also a wakeup call for me. I am aware that I have hurt my friends and family in the past due to my addiction to alcohol, but it never really clicked in my head that what I was doing would one day kill me, and that I would devastate my family, killing myself slowly over time. I never want to go through what Nicole did. I never want to look that way or get that bad, hurt myself or my family. My resolve is strong, even though my heart is breaking for my loss.
Seeing her in the hospital like that was also a wakeup call for me. I am aware that I have hurt my friends and family in the past due to my addiction to alcohol, but it never really clicked in my head that what I was doing would one day kill me, and that I would devastate my family, killing myself slowly over time. I never want to go through what Nicole did. I never want to look that way or get that bad, hurt myself or my family. My resolve is strong, even though my heart is breaking for my loss.
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