Is my ex alcoholic boyfriend being abusive while in rehab?
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Is my ex alcoholic boyfriend being abusive while in rehab?
Greetings! I am so lost on addiction and everything about it. Me and my fella have been with each other for 3 years. He went to rehab a year ago, I let him go, and he came back to me sober, but the relationship was getting really bad because he relapsed. I stayed away from him. He did a lot of stuff I don't want to get into that was just foul to me. He has flirted with other women, replaced me rather quickly when I would kick him out, emotionally abused me, and completely destroyed my heart. He never hit me, but damn! That emotional trauma and abuse is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. He messed with my head. It was too much and I fell into the deep depths of depression. I am still there, but it's not as bad, and I'm seeing a therapist.
We went no contact because of his erratic behavior. He was staying at a friend's house. He called me from the rehab he's at to apologize profusely about hurting me and what he did to me. He kept saying "I'm going to make myself healthy because I need to be healthy. I am hoping you'll be around and we can rebuild a life together once I get myself straight. I love you so much and have no other soul connection to anyone but you. I don't want anyone but you." I wasn't fully believing him but "appreciated" the apology. And I'm not waiting for him, he really traumatized me and betrayed my trust. When we weren't together I was replaced rather quickly and that happened recently. So, it's hard for me to let go of the fact he was with another woman. While I was aching, hanging with my girlfriends and breaking down constantly.
he owned up to all of his bad doings. I agreed that I would talk to him, but I'm not waiting for him. I told him that if I find someone that will treat me right in the midst of all of this, then I will go for it. I'll just "see" if he changes because too many false promises were made in the past, and I'm not putting myself in that position to be hurt again.
So, I told him how hurt I was and how betrayed I felt how quickly I was replaced like I was nothing for 3 years. He said "you have to let your hate and anger go. Let it all go." I said "it was caused by you though? It's hard for me to let it go since I was going to be your wife (that's what he always said) yet, you have a girlfriend the minute I turn my head after we are broken up. It hurts. I can't just let it go. What is it that you want out of me because I can't keep putting myself in a hurtful position. If you are willing to actually revamp yourself then we can possibly have a healthy friendship or relationship, but if you're not and I'm not in your future or I'm not a goal along with your sobriety, then I'm quitting contact."
He said "of course I want you in my life but I have to work on myself. We all go through pain and hurt. That's life! Pain and misery. I understand but my head is so rattled and I'm very disappointed in myself. You have to let go of the hate though."
He also said "I hope you got a therapist so I'm not the only one getting help. I want you to be happy."
I said "Excuse me??? First off, i wasn't the one who ruined this relationship, my depression was manageable, you weren't. You wrecked my life. I need a therapist for all the stuff you put me through the abuse more than my own problems. Don't ever ask me if I have a therapist, when I'm pro therapy and it wasn't my personal problems that broke up this relationship. I understand life in general going through pain, but I shouldn't have to keep going through pain with YOU?! I am not talking about life, I'm talking about you and how I'm not going to put myself in a position to be hurt by you. So??? You think because it's life I should be abused and hurt by you? I don't think so."
He said " No, I just want you to be happy, like get a therapist so you can be healthy and not have depression. I don't think it was you who wrecked the relationship, but your depression did cause problems because I would come home happy and you'd really sad and to yourself. It was draining on me. No! I don't think you should be hurt by me, I meant generally life is pain and misery. All I can do is apologize but I can't do action right now."
I said "uhh, yeah my depression was caused by you. It's situational depression. I was depressed because you were disregarding my feelings and being extremely rude to me because you wanted to relapse. I was unhappy and upset that you were distant with me and only seem to care about yourself. That's why my depression was so bad and why I was distant from you. I was disgusted by your behavior and I knew you were going to relapse. So I was angry too."
it really bothered me that he non chalantly said "let go of your hate and anger." When it's something he recently did! And he shouldn't say it so non chalantly. Also I didn't like the "pain and hurt" comment. It really bothered me like "just accept it from me." Even though he was trying to say he didn't mean it that way, but it seemed to be taken that way. He only has been sober for one week. He was relapsing for a month and messed his body up. He's a dual diagnosis. They are trying to figure out what mental disorder he has. Is this all normal? How do I approach this? I really want to literally rip his face off for how non chalant he is and I can't tell if he's crazy or if it's abuse, or just becoming sober, or I'm just super sensitive to his actions that I take everything wrong he says because I have a lot of resentment and anger? He is being just really weird and odd, and I don't know if this is normal for people first recovering sober. I need guidance on what to do with this situation. I don't think he fully grasps how much he hurt me as much as he says he does. Thank you for reading.
We went no contact because of his erratic behavior. He was staying at a friend's house. He called me from the rehab he's at to apologize profusely about hurting me and what he did to me. He kept saying "I'm going to make myself healthy because I need to be healthy. I am hoping you'll be around and we can rebuild a life together once I get myself straight. I love you so much and have no other soul connection to anyone but you. I don't want anyone but you." I wasn't fully believing him but "appreciated" the apology. And I'm not waiting for him, he really traumatized me and betrayed my trust. When we weren't together I was replaced rather quickly and that happened recently. So, it's hard for me to let go of the fact he was with another woman. While I was aching, hanging with my girlfriends and breaking down constantly.
he owned up to all of his bad doings. I agreed that I would talk to him, but I'm not waiting for him. I told him that if I find someone that will treat me right in the midst of all of this, then I will go for it. I'll just "see" if he changes because too many false promises were made in the past, and I'm not putting myself in that position to be hurt again.
So, I told him how hurt I was and how betrayed I felt how quickly I was replaced like I was nothing for 3 years. He said "you have to let your hate and anger go. Let it all go." I said "it was caused by you though? It's hard for me to let it go since I was going to be your wife (that's what he always said) yet, you have a girlfriend the minute I turn my head after we are broken up. It hurts. I can't just let it go. What is it that you want out of me because I can't keep putting myself in a hurtful position. If you are willing to actually revamp yourself then we can possibly have a healthy friendship or relationship, but if you're not and I'm not in your future or I'm not a goal along with your sobriety, then I'm quitting contact."
He said "of course I want you in my life but I have to work on myself. We all go through pain and hurt. That's life! Pain and misery. I understand but my head is so rattled and I'm very disappointed in myself. You have to let go of the hate though."
He also said "I hope you got a therapist so I'm not the only one getting help. I want you to be happy."
I said "Excuse me??? First off, i wasn't the one who ruined this relationship, my depression was manageable, you weren't. You wrecked my life. I need a therapist for all the stuff you put me through the abuse more than my own problems. Don't ever ask me if I have a therapist, when I'm pro therapy and it wasn't my personal problems that broke up this relationship. I understand life in general going through pain, but I shouldn't have to keep going through pain with YOU?! I am not talking about life, I'm talking about you and how I'm not going to put myself in a position to be hurt by you. So??? You think because it's life I should be abused and hurt by you? I don't think so."
He said " No, I just want you to be happy, like get a therapist so you can be healthy and not have depression. I don't think it was you who wrecked the relationship, but your depression did cause problems because I would come home happy and you'd really sad and to yourself. It was draining on me. No! I don't think you should be hurt by me, I meant generally life is pain and misery. All I can do is apologize but I can't do action right now."
I said "uhh, yeah my depression was caused by you. It's situational depression. I was depressed because you were disregarding my feelings and being extremely rude to me because you wanted to relapse. I was unhappy and upset that you were distant with me and only seem to care about yourself. That's why my depression was so bad and why I was distant from you. I was disgusted by your behavior and I knew you were going to relapse. So I was angry too."
it really bothered me that he non chalantly said "let go of your hate and anger." When it's something he recently did! And he shouldn't say it so non chalantly. Also I didn't like the "pain and hurt" comment. It really bothered me like "just accept it from me." Even though he was trying to say he didn't mean it that way, but it seemed to be taken that way. He only has been sober for one week. He was relapsing for a month and messed his body up. He's a dual diagnosis. They are trying to figure out what mental disorder he has. Is this all normal? How do I approach this? I really want to literally rip his face off for how non chalant he is and I can't tell if he's crazy or if it's abuse, or just becoming sober, or I'm just super sensitive to his actions that I take everything wrong he says because I have a lot of resentment and anger? He is being just really weird and odd, and I don't know if this is normal for people first recovering sober. I need guidance on what to do with this situation. I don't think he fully grasps how much he hurt me as much as he says he does. Thank you for reading.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Hi and welcome to SR. You will find a lot of support here.
First things first, we have a sticky section up at the top of the forum, lots of great posts there, if you are interested you might want to start here:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
Also some great articles here:
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
The more you know the better it will be for you.
You are absolutely right to be treading carefully. His dismissal of your concerns and feelings should be a big red flag.
As you said, he has only been "sober" one week. That is far far away from recovery and they haven't even diagnosed his other challenges yet.
How can you make any decision about reconciling when he is so far away from recovery, when he has obviously hurt you and then goes on to minimize your feelings.
Truthfully are you not really waiting for him?
First things first, we have a sticky section up at the top of the forum, lots of great posts there, if you are interested you might want to start here:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
Also some great articles here:
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
The more you know the better it will be for you.
You are absolutely right to be treading carefully. His dismissal of your concerns and feelings should be a big red flag.
As you said, he has only been "sober" one week. That is far far away from recovery and they haven't even diagnosed his other challenges yet.
Originally Posted by BrunetteBabe 
I agreed that I would talk to him, but I'm not waiting for him. I told him that if I find someone that will treat me right in the midst of all of this, then I will go for it. I'll just "see" if he changes because too many false promises were made in the past, and I'm not putting myself in that position to be hurt again.
Truthfully are you not really waiting for him?
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
Dual diagnosis and sober for only one week? He's not exactly qualified to be giving other people (unsolicited) advice about mental health.
One strategy I find useful when people are trying to tell me things which I really don't want to hear, but also don't want to get into an unwinnable argument, is "okay, I'll take that under consideration. That's all I want to say about it for now". Repeat, repeat, repeat and detach.
When alcoholics say "you have to ..." or "you must ...", that's an enormous red flag. It's not an apology or an expression of genuine concern. He needs to work on himself, you take care of yourself.
One strategy I find useful when people are trying to tell me things which I really don't want to hear, but also don't want to get into an unwinnable argument, is "okay, I'll take that under consideration. That's all I want to say about it for now". Repeat, repeat, repeat and detach.
When alcoholics say "you have to ..." or "you must ...", that's an enormous red flag. It's not an apology or an expression of genuine concern. He needs to work on himself, you take care of yourself.
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Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 205
There is a time for doing amends if he’s going to work through the 12 steps. Sometimes people unwisely jump the gun and do it way before they should. I’m not sure if that was his intent but whatever he was doing it sounds just horrible. He has a long way to go yet before he gets batter. Take care of yourself.
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Join Date: Nov 2018
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Originally Posted by trailmix
Hi and welcome to SR. You will find a lot of support here.
First things first, we have a sticky section up at the top of the forum, lots of great posts there, if you are interested you might want to start here
Also some great articles here:
The more you know the better it will be for you.
You are absolutely right to be treading carefully. His dismissal of your concerns and feelings should be a big red flag.
As you said, he has only been "sober" one week. That is far far away from recovery and they haven't even diagnosed his other challenges yet.
How can you make any decision about reconciling when he is so far away from recovery, when he has obviously hurt you and then goes on to minimize your feelings.
Truthfully are you not really waiting for him?
First things first, we have a sticky section up at the top of the forum, lots of great posts there, if you are interested you might want to start here
Also some great articles here:
The more you know the better it will be for you.
You are absolutely right to be treading carefully. His dismissal of your concerns and feelings should be a big red flag.
As you said, he has only been "sober" one week. That is far far away from recovery and they haven't even diagnosed his other challenges yet.
How can you make any decision about reconciling when he is so far away from recovery, when he has obviously hurt you and then goes on to minimize your feelings.
Truthfully are you not really waiting for him?
it was him setting these ridiculous rules and wanting reconciliation, saying "if you wait for me that would be great! I want you in my life!" When I don't. I just want to "see" not "wait and see". I made that clear to him and I noticed he didn't call which is good. I have so much pent up anger inside of me towards him. His "apology" was not good enough in my opinion. He doesn't fully grasp how he really hurt me. I feel like he either is really dumb to it or he's an abuser. I can't tell, but it's easier to say "move on and let the hate go." When nobody has done anything terrible to him. He has done everything terrible to me. He was a good loving boyfriend and so dreamy when I met him, that's why I fell in love with him. However, things changed with alcohol. He's not in the position to say this or that about us.
He also needs to understand that I'm not looking for someone because I need to heal, I need to be me, I don't want or need another fella. But! If somehow there's a fella I really connect with that crosses paths with me, I'm going for it! I'm not going to be dedicated and loyal to my ex and wait for him. Nope! That's ridiculous. I don't owe him, he owes me. I'm sick of putting up with him. He is a monster in my eyes, but I'm still holding on in a weird way. It's strange.
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Join Date: Nov 2018
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Originally Posted by Sasha1972
Dual diagnosis and sober for only one week? He's not exactly qualified to be giving other people (unsolicited) advice about mental health.
One strategy I find useful when people are trying to tell me things which I really don't want to hear, but also don't want to get into an unwinnable argument, is "okay, I'll take that under consideration. That's all I want to say about it for now". Repeat, repeat, repeat and detach.
When alcoholics say "you have to ..." or "you must ...", that's an enormous red flag. It's not an apology or an expression of genuine concern. He needs to work on himself, you take care of yourself.
One strategy I find useful when people are trying to tell me things which I really don't want to hear, but also don't want to get into an unwinnable argument, is "okay, I'll take that under consideration. That's all I want to say about it for now". Repeat, repeat, repeat and detach.
When alcoholics say "you have to ..." or "you must ...", that's an enormous red flag. It's not an apology or an expression of genuine concern. He needs to work on himself, you take care of yourself.
I'm definitely working on myself. That's happening. Thank you very much for your comment! <3
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Originally Posted by AtomicBlue
There is a time for doing amends if he’s going to work through the 12 steps. Sometimes people unwisely jump the gun and do it way before they should. I’m not sure if that was his intent but whatever he was doing it sounds just horrible. He has a long way to go yet before he gets batter. Take care of yourself.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
it really bothered me that he non chalantly said "let go of your hate and anger.
It should bother you, it should bother you enough to finally let go of this toxic relationship.
He is no where near making a real amends or being honest. He has one week sober/clean maybe and his words mean NOTHING at this point in time and they may never.
Go back to no contact because no contact = no new hurts. You have come out of hell and are heading in the right direction please don’t turn back now.
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Originally Posted by atalose
"
It should bother you, it should bother you enough to finally let go of this toxic relationship.
He is no where near making a real amends or being honest. He has one week sober/clean maybe and his words mean NOTHING at this point in time and they may never.
Go back to no contact because no contact = no new hurts. You have come out of hell and are heading in the right direction please don’t turn back now.
It should bother you, it should bother you enough to finally let go of this toxic relationship.
He is no where near making a real amends or being honest. He has one week sober/clean maybe and his words mean NOTHING at this point in time and they may never.
Go back to no contact because no contact = no new hurts. You have come out of hell and are heading in the right direction please don’t turn back now.
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Would Al-Anon benefit me?
As much as I'm angry. I want to learn more about the disease so I can feel some type of clarity. He keeps telling me "it's my addiction. Addiction makes you do things you would never do sober. It's evil, it wants to kill you and it destroyed me. It destroyed everything around me and turns me into a person that I'm not naturally." It's hard for me to believe that because I'm not an addict so I can't understand. Would Al-Anon help me figure this out for my own clarity? Is it only for people who are married? I am afraid to go to an Al-Anon meeting because I don't want to make a fool out of myself. Can I tell my story? I just don't know if it will benefit me or not. Thank you to everyone who has been so supportive of me. I am so happy to have support. Xoxo.
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Al-anon is for anyone who’s life has been affected by alcoholism. It’s a 12 step program and it is a process when undertaking that personal journey it’s not something that happens over night or even in a week or a month. It is a self-journey, it’s not about the alcoholic’s journey or their why’s it’s about us and our whys. Like why we tolerated unacceptable behaviors, why we have a hard time letting them go. Why we stayed in toxic relationships.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
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Originally Posted by BrunetteBabe
As much as I'm angry. I want to learn more about the disease so I can feel some type of clarity. He keeps telling me "it's my addiction. Addiction makes you do things you would never do sober. It's evil, it wants to kill you and it destroyed me. It destroyed everything around me and turns me into a person that I'm not naturally." It's hard for me to believe that because I'm not an addict so I can't understand. Would Al-Anon help me figure this out for my own clarity? Is it only for people who are married? I am afraid to go to an Al-Anon meeting because I don't want to make a fool out of myself. Can I tell my story? I just don't know if it will benefit me or not. Thank you to everyone who has been so supportive of me. I am so happy to have support. Xoxo.
I second what atalose said about Al Anon - it's really about helping you get better and recover, not about the addict. I did learn about addiction through Al Anon - mostly about behaviors that I thought were unique to my experience but are actually really common and predictable among advanced alcoholics - but mainly I learned about skills for enhancing my own well-being and my ability to recover from years of exposure to the chaos of the alcoholic (without trying to "fix" or punish or otherwise engage).
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
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It sounds like he's not ready to be responsible for anything. He's not that far into his recovery. He's not ready to make amends. The fact that he's dismissing your feelings and making it "not his fault" is a red flag. This is the same old song.
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I agree with the other posters, he doesn't sound like he's pursuing any kind of real recovery yet and is looking for the alcoholic mind quick fix that we all crave. I also agree that no contact may be the best way to go.
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Al anon and codependents anonymous saved my life. There is a lot of support there whether you decide to stay in the relationship or not. You don't have to be married.
you can tell your story but you don't have to. You don't even have to speak if you don't want to.
On your partner's words and promises, they are all very well but pay attention to his actions
you can tell your story but you don't have to. You don't even have to speak if you don't want to.
On your partner's words and promises, they are all very well but pay attention to his actions
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