so mad now
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so mad now
I'm angry that the person I dated chose marijuana over me. Its not right to lead someone on and make them think you are interested, texting all the time, saying things that made me think she was really interested, flirting, etc. and then when the drug issue comes up not even being willing to meet me half way or take a look at her addiction, just bailing and saying she is no longer interested in dating. she knew from the second date that I am in recovery. am I crazy or do I have a right to be angry ? plus she made it about not leading me down the road to addiction instead of having to look at her own addiction.
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Originally Posted by tracer 
I'm angry that the person I dated chose marijuana over me. Its not right to lead someone on and make them think you are interested, texting all the time, saying things that made me think she was really interested, flirting, etc. and then when the drug issue comes up not even being willing to meet me half way or take a look at her addiction, just bailing and saying she is no longer interested in dating. she knew from the second date that I am in recovery. am I crazy or do I have a right to be angry ? plus she made it about not leading me down the road to addiction instead of having to look at her own addiction.
However, who better to offer advice than someone who was just left by their bf (now ex bf) for their DOC? Which happens to be crack. Lol. Not funny, but I'm just saying.
Believe me when I say, you dodged a bullet. I understand the anger, b/c I'm sure you feel she wasted your time and got your hopes up. I get it. I really do. My situation happened with a guy who was my first love that I met when I was 16. I'm 45 now. Just check out my prior posts, if interested.
My point is be glad you didn't get involved and develop deeper feelings and go through the drama that being with an addict brings. She made it about you b/c she simply doesn't want to give it up. She really did you a favor. It's much better that it happened now, as opposed to getting involved with her and her saying she would stop, etc etc, drama, lies, drama, etc etc. Take my word for it!
Wishing you the best.
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thank you i appreciate that and realize she did me a favor but im so tired of feeling like she is such a wonderful person for ending it and did me a favor. if she really gave a **** about me and my needs she should have been willing to take an honest look at herself, you know what i mean ?
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Originally Posted by tracer
thank you i appreciate that and realize she did me a favor but im so tired of feeling like she is such a wonderful person for ending it and did me a favor. if she really gave a **** about me and my needs she should have been willing to take an honest look at herself, you know what i mean ?
I def know what you mean. But you're expecting an addict to be willing to look at themselves when that goes against everything in their nature. I mean my ex up and left me after being on and off again for the past 6 years. (After reconnecting. We dated when I was younger as well). As if I was nothing. I mean just gone. I haven't heard from him since.
You don't want that kind of pain in your life. Believe me. I'm not saying think of her as this wonderful person for ending it. Look at it for what it is. She's an addict who prefers her DOC over a meaningful relationship. They all do. That's what they do. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.
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Originally Posted by tracer
thank you i appreciate that and realize she did me a favor but im so tired of feeling like she is such a wonderful person for ending it and did me a favor. if she really gave a **** about me and my needs she should have been willing to take an honest look at herself, you know what i mean ?
I think that's pretty honest.
What I don't understand is why you would expect someone else to change for you. You were unwilling to change for her, you held your boundaries, so did she.
Now you may not think that's wise and you may not like it, but it's truthful.
If she had stated she would try to quit so you would be more comfortable or because she has wanted to for some time or whatever then didn't even try, that's one thing, I don't see that here?
She doesn't have a problem with smoking weed, you have a problem with her smoking weed. How does that reflect on her at all?
I'm sorry you got hurt, I really am. If I remember your posts from earlier you had distanced from each other because she wanted to smoke pot and you were in recovery and didn't want to be around an addict. What changed?
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Location: Minneapolis, MN
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A famous philosopher once said...
The highest form of human intelligence is self observation without judgement.
Could you observe yourself in this situation, with all the compassion of a best friend, and ask yourself - what did I do, why did I do it, when have I done this in the past and what would I like to do differently so my life works even better?
New relationships are very hard. They are full of promise and expectation - but not very full of the unvarnished truth (how could they be, they're new) or a radical acceptance of what is.
Of course everyone flirts in the beginning, but if it is a new relationship, they can't possibly really "care" because it is impossible to know someone well enough (their values, habits, etc.) to know if they care. In the beginning it's mostly infatuation, projection and hormones.
Most psychiatrist will tell you that for the first 3 months, people are on their best behavior and feeling each other out - you don't get the real truth until the facade comes down. In this case, her "best" was wanting to smoke weed and flirting to keep you hooked. You can bet it would go downhill from there.
Maybe think about how quickly you get "involved" and why. How do you scope out a person's values before you give your heart away?
This may be painful now, but it could be a wonderful opportunity to observe yourself, recalling when you met, your excitement, your hopes, your disappointment, your anger - and maybe have some self-compassion and use your mind to decide - what small change might I make to have this work out better for me the next time.
You know what they say in recovery - keep the focus where it belongs, on yourself. (improving yourself)
Hoping you find peace and another approach. There are many wonderful people out there, and the best ones don't usually come on strong, they let it grow slowly.
Good Luck.
The highest form of human intelligence is self observation without judgement.
Could you observe yourself in this situation, with all the compassion of a best friend, and ask yourself - what did I do, why did I do it, when have I done this in the past and what would I like to do differently so my life works even better?
New relationships are very hard. They are full of promise and expectation - but not very full of the unvarnished truth (how could they be, they're new) or a radical acceptance of what is.
Of course everyone flirts in the beginning, but if it is a new relationship, they can't possibly really "care" because it is impossible to know someone well enough (their values, habits, etc.) to know if they care. In the beginning it's mostly infatuation, projection and hormones.
Most psychiatrist will tell you that for the first 3 months, people are on their best behavior and feeling each other out - you don't get the real truth until the facade comes down. In this case, her "best" was wanting to smoke weed and flirting to keep you hooked. You can bet it would go downhill from there.
Maybe think about how quickly you get "involved" and why. How do you scope out a person's values before you give your heart away?
This may be painful now, but it could be a wonderful opportunity to observe yourself, recalling when you met, your excitement, your hopes, your disappointment, your anger - and maybe have some self-compassion and use your mind to decide - what small change might I make to have this work out better for me the next time.
You know what they say in recovery - keep the focus where it belongs, on yourself. (improving yourself)
Hoping you find peace and another approach. There are many wonderful people out there, and the best ones don't usually come on strong, they let it grow slowly.
Good Luck.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
And didn’t you know from the 2nd date that she was a drug user? Isn’t this what dating is all about. Getting to know someone and about them to see if they are a good fit in your life and when you realize they are not, it’s time to stop dating that person not attempt to make them change themselves to suit you.
I get that you are hurt and disappointed because you really liked her but to say she led you on and then refused to "change herself" for you is not grounded in realism.
I get that you are hurt and disappointed because you really liked her but to say she led you on and then refused to "change herself" for you is not grounded in realism.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
Did she not? Did she not take an honest look at herself and say, I want to smoke weed, today, tomorrow all the time every day?
I think that's pretty honest.
What I don't understand is why you would expect someone else to change for you. You were unwilling to change for her, you held your boundaries, so did she.
Now you may not think that's wise and you may not like it, but it's truthful.
If she had stated she would try to quit so you would be more comfortable or because she has wanted to for some time or whatever then didn't even try, that's one thing, I don't see that here?
She doesn't have a problem with smoking weed, you have a problem with her smoking weed. How does that reflect on her at all?
I'm sorry you got hurt, I really am. If I remember your posts from earlier you had distanced from each other because she wanted to smoke pot and you were in recovery and didn't want to be around an addict. What changed?
I think that's pretty honest.
What I don't understand is why you would expect someone else to change for you. You were unwilling to change for her, you held your boundaries, so did she.
Now you may not think that's wise and you may not like it, but it's truthful.
If she had stated she would try to quit so you would be more comfortable or because she has wanted to for some time or whatever then didn't even try, that's one thing, I don't see that here?
She doesn't have a problem with smoking weed, you have a problem with her smoking weed. How does that reflect on her at all?
I'm sorry you got hurt, I really am. If I remember your posts from earlier you had distanced from each other because she wanted to smoke pot and you were in recovery and didn't want to be around an addict. What changed?
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Originally Posted by atalose
And didn’t you know from the 2nd date that she was a drug user? Isn’t this what dating is all about. Getting to know someone and about them to see if they are a good fit in your life and when you realize they are not, it’s time to stop dating that person not attempt to make them change themselves to suit you.
I get that you are hurt and disappointed because you really liked her but to say she led you on and then refused to "change herself" for you is not grounded in realism.
I get that you are hurt and disappointed because you really liked her but to say she led you on and then refused to "change herself" for you is not grounded in realism.
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Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 77
Originally Posted by Troubledone
A famous philosopher once said...
The highest form of human intelligence is self observation without judgement.
Could you observe yourself in this situation, with all the compassion of a best friend, and ask yourself - what did I do, why did I do it, when have I done this in the past and what would I like to do differently so my life works even better?
New relationships are very hard. They are full of promise and expectation - but not very full of the unvarnished truth (how could they be, they're new) or a radical acceptance of what is.
Of course everyone flirts in the beginning, but if it is a new relationship, they can't possibly really "care" because it is impossible to know someone well enough (their values, habits, etc.) to know if they care. In the beginning it's mostly infatuation, projection and hormones.
Most psychiatrist will tell you that for the first 3 months, people are on their best behavior and feeling each other out - you don't get the real truth until the facade comes down. In this case, her "best" was wanting to smoke weed and flirting to keep you hooked. You can bet it would go downhill from there.
Maybe think about how quickly you get "involved" and why. How do you scope out a person's values before you give your heart away?
This may be painful now, but it could be a wonderful opportunity to observe yourself, recalling when you met, your excitement, your hopes, your disappointment, your anger - and maybe have some self-compassion and use your mind to decide - what small change might I make to have this work out better for me the next time.
You know what they say in recovery - keep the focus where it belongs, on yourself. (improving yourself)
Hoping you find peace and another approach. There are many wonderful people out there, and the best ones don't usually come on strong, they let it grow slowly.
Good Luck.
The highest form of human intelligence is self observation without judgement.
Could you observe yourself in this situation, with all the compassion of a best friend, and ask yourself - what did I do, why did I do it, when have I done this in the past and what would I like to do differently so my life works even better?
New relationships are very hard. They are full of promise and expectation - but not very full of the unvarnished truth (how could they be, they're new) or a radical acceptance of what is.
Of course everyone flirts in the beginning, but if it is a new relationship, they can't possibly really "care" because it is impossible to know someone well enough (their values, habits, etc.) to know if they care. In the beginning it's mostly infatuation, projection and hormones.
Most psychiatrist will tell you that for the first 3 months, people are on their best behavior and feeling each other out - you don't get the real truth until the facade comes down. In this case, her "best" was wanting to smoke weed and flirting to keep you hooked. You can bet it would go downhill from there.
Maybe think about how quickly you get "involved" and why. How do you scope out a person's values before you give your heart away?
This may be painful now, but it could be a wonderful opportunity to observe yourself, recalling when you met, your excitement, your hopes, your disappointment, your anger - and maybe have some self-compassion and use your mind to decide - what small change might I make to have this work out better for me the next time.
You know what they say in recovery - keep the focus where it belongs, on yourself. (improving yourself)
Hoping you find peace and another approach. There are many wonderful people out there, and the best ones don't usually come on strong, they let it grow slowly.
Good Luck.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 77
sorry folks but I just think she was full of ****. maybe a nice person, but at least I tried by telling her it was okay if she was stoned as long as it was helping her, and to please just not smoke around me as it could be difficult for me. its not like i told her she had to quit in order to be with me. i tried to keep an open mind. she however could not.
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I don’t mind if anyone does something in moderation. she was not honest with me
I have known two types of all day long pot smokers…….
One was undergoing cancer treatments and that was before it was available medicinally.
The other one enjoyed watching cartoons and eating ice cream all day long at the age of 32.
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Originally Posted by atalose
Even more reason why this ending is a good thing for you. Honesty is the basis of all relationships. You had that and she did not.
I have known two types of all day long pot smokers…….
One was undergoing cancer treatments and that was before it was available medicinally.
The other one enjoyed watching cartoons and eating ice cream all day long at the age of 32.
I have known two types of all day long pot smokers…….
One was undergoing cancer treatments and that was before it was available medicinally.
The other one enjoyed watching cartoons and eating ice cream all day long at the age of 32.
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Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,154
No, I don't think you're crazy, but that's not the issue. Participants change their minds, or aren't always straightforward. This is the dating scene, that search for a more permanent relationship, and most end in failure, because one or the other realizes it's not going to work, or that they aren't really ready. It's kind of why people date and often enter it with overly optimistic hopes. Breakups hurt. People get dumped. Sometimes we get angry. Sometimes not, but none of that makes it hurt less.
You meet someone, hit it off and get involved, then you learn more about them. I did this once and realized quite a long way into the relationship that the woman was emotionally unstable. How could that be? How did it even get that far? The answer is that issue had not yet been discovered. We too easily see what we want, rather than what is.
You will get over the anger. It's just one of many dating situations that don't go beyond dating. All the texting, flirting, and false expectations, are often fluff that gets mixed in with the process as potential couples try each other out. You got to learn something about each other; One or both of you (probably both of you), weren't right for each other.
I empathize. God knows I've been there, but don't hold onto the anger. I doesn't do you any good. It's even harmful. And you will feel better and like a bigger man without it. I won't lay blame on either of you. And I can guarantee, it's happened to better men than you and I.
In college when that happened to one of us, it was a tradition that roommates would officially bestow on our jilted friend the honorary Brown Helmet award. That seemed to put it more into perspective. Happens all the time.
You meet someone, hit it off and get involved, then you learn more about them. I did this once and realized quite a long way into the relationship that the woman was emotionally unstable. How could that be? How did it even get that far? The answer is that issue had not yet been discovered. We too easily see what we want, rather than what is.
You will get over the anger. It's just one of many dating situations that don't go beyond dating. All the texting, flirting, and false expectations, are often fluff that gets mixed in with the process as potential couples try each other out. You got to learn something about each other; One or both of you (probably both of you), weren't right for each other.
I empathize. God knows I've been there, but don't hold onto the anger. I doesn't do you any good. It's even harmful. And you will feel better and like a bigger man without it. I won't lay blame on either of you. And I can guarantee, it's happened to better men than you and I.
In college when that happened to one of us, it was a tradition that roommates would officially bestow on our jilted friend the honorary Brown Helmet award. That seemed to put it more into perspective. Happens all the time.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
i come from abstinence based recovery so its hard for me to wrap my head around marijuana maintenance, but now that its legal in my state I may have to give it a try.
Sounds like she changed from one substance to another and still trying to seek something outside of herself for the answers to her problems.
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