The struggle
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 543
The struggle
This is just a thought that occurred to me. We commit to a relationship with our SO, sometimes just living together, sometimes getting married, but whichever...we make an emotional commitment. Part and parcel of this is seeing ourselves as half of a couple and along with this comes deep caring for the other person.
When you realise your SO has a drink problem, all the previous normal caring behaviours have to be discarded. You watch them doing something to themselves which is risking their health and the natural reaction is wanting to help them. Over the last few weeks l have learned this is impossible.
The caring can continue in other ways but not for this particular aspect of their lives. This is why its so hard to deal with, we have to find a way of 'switching off' the caring when it comes to alcohol. It is a skill l am still practicing at, but l guess the concern l have is that the ability to switch off caring feelings towards my AH regarding drinking may eventually merge into other areas of the relationship until l care no more about any single part of it.
When you realise your SO has a drink problem, all the previous normal caring behaviours have to be discarded. You watch them doing something to themselves which is risking their health and the natural reaction is wanting to help them. Over the last few weeks l have learned this is impossible.
The caring can continue in other ways but not for this particular aspect of their lives. This is why its so hard to deal with, we have to find a way of 'switching off' the caring when it comes to alcohol. It is a skill l am still practicing at, but l guess the concern l have is that the ability to switch off caring feelings towards my AH regarding drinking may eventually merge into other areas of the relationship until l care no more about any single part of it.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
I hear you Awal. It would be easier in some ways if he was abusive or a ratbag, but he's a nice guy with a big problem he's not willing to face.
You're doing well, gradually getting your head around everything.
You're doing well, gradually getting your head around everything.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,414
It is a cumulative hurt, and the velocity of losing emotional investment in the addict depends in part on them and their "management" of their drinking and the relationship with you.
The typical pattern, or what I found to be true, was that even with genuine love and connection, the drinking begins to increasingly take precedent over quality time with you, and they become more myopic as the addiction impedes their brain performance and empathy over time, which translates into their withdrawing from the relationship and leaving you on your own more and more.
Someone once said on this list that "their is nothing lonelier than being in a relationship with an alcoholic" and boy, did that ring a bell of truth for me.
If they disengage, and you disengage to protect yourself, the bottom line is you have disengagement. But you can't control what they do, and if they are unwilling to see the damage to the relationship, how can you carry 100% of the emotional weight of the relationship more and more over time?
Are you supposed to put you emotional needs on hold for those shorter and shorter sober periods when the "real" person emerges and gives you a few crumbs of connection? And then the sinking feeling when the drinking becomes pretty constant around the clock. The brandy in coffee, the pre-lunch cocktails, the wine while prepping dinner.
Sadly, the functional part gets more narrow and mostly focused to the outside world to "maintain" the quickly eroding functionality and the slippage happens first in the home with the loved ones. Something has to give as the disease progresses.
So the addict must have more time to drink, but still has to work. So family time gets reduced, dispensed, and minimized.
No, for me, that isn't enough for the rest of my life. I was on both sides of this, and I made the hard decision to change as my relationship was more important than the drink. But to do that, I had to admit I had a problem. If the addict thinks they don't, how can you build and maintain a normal relationship with love and daily connection?
It's very tough to love unconditionally under such conditions.
The typical pattern, or what I found to be true, was that even with genuine love and connection, the drinking begins to increasingly take precedent over quality time with you, and they become more myopic as the addiction impedes their brain performance and empathy over time, which translates into their withdrawing from the relationship and leaving you on your own more and more.
Someone once said on this list that "their is nothing lonelier than being in a relationship with an alcoholic" and boy, did that ring a bell of truth for me.
If they disengage, and you disengage to protect yourself, the bottom line is you have disengagement. But you can't control what they do, and if they are unwilling to see the damage to the relationship, how can you carry 100% of the emotional weight of the relationship more and more over time?
Are you supposed to put you emotional needs on hold for those shorter and shorter sober periods when the "real" person emerges and gives you a few crumbs of connection? And then the sinking feeling when the drinking becomes pretty constant around the clock. The brandy in coffee, the pre-lunch cocktails, the wine while prepping dinner.
Sadly, the functional part gets more narrow and mostly focused to the outside world to "maintain" the quickly eroding functionality and the slippage happens first in the home with the loved ones. Something has to give as the disease progresses.
So the addict must have more time to drink, but still has to work. So family time gets reduced, dispensed, and minimized.
No, for me, that isn't enough for the rest of my life. I was on both sides of this, and I made the hard decision to change as my relationship was more important than the drink. But to do that, I had to admit I had a problem. If the addict thinks they don't, how can you build and maintain a normal relationship with love and daily connection?
It's very tough to love unconditionally under such conditions.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 83
It’s a constant daily struggle.
will be go to work
will he be in the pub
will he be Jekyll or Hyde
will he be sober enough to do something in what little spare time I have
then you try to disengage and work out you end up on your own for everything. So I might aswell be alone and NOT have all the alcoholism to boot.
will be go to work
will he be in the pub
will he be Jekyll or Hyde
will he be sober enough to do something in what little spare time I have
then you try to disengage and work out you end up on your own for everything. So I might aswell be alone and NOT have all the alcoholism to boot.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 83
Originally Posted by Hawkeye13 
It is a cumulative hurt, and the velocity of losing emotional investment in the addict depends in part on them and their "management" of their drinking and the relationship with you.
The typical pattern, or what I found to be true, was that even with genuine love and connection, the drinking begins to increasingly take precedent over quality time with you, and they become more myopic as the addiction impedes their brain performance and empathy over time, which translates into their withdrawing from the relationship and leaving you on your own more and more.
Someone once said on this list that "their is nothing lonelier than being in a relationship with an alcoholic" and boy, did that ring a bell of truth for me.
If they disengage, and you disengage to protect yourself, the bottom line is you have disengagement. But you can't control what they do, and if they are unwilling to see the damage to the relationship, how can you carry 100% of the emotional weight of the relationship more and more over time?
Are you supposed to put you emotional needs on hold for those shorter and shorter sober periods when the "real" person emerges and gives you a few crumbs of connection? And then the sinking feeling when the drinking becomes pretty constant around the clock. The brandy in coffee, the pre-lunch cocktails, the wine while prepping dinner.
Sadly, the functional part gets more narrow and mostly focused to the outside world to "maintain" the quickly eroding functionality and the slippage happens first in the home with the loved ones. Something has to give as the disease progresses.
So the addict must have more time to drink, but still has to work. So family time gets reduced, dispensed, and minimized.
No, for me, that isn't enough for the rest of my life. I was on both sides of this, and I made the hard decision to change as my relationship was more important than the drink. But to do that, I had to admit I had a problem. If the addict thinks they don't, how can you build and maintain a normal relationship with love and daily connection?
It's very tough to love unconditionally under such conditions.
The typical pattern, or what I found to be true, was that even with genuine love and connection, the drinking begins to increasingly take precedent over quality time with you, and they become more myopic as the addiction impedes their brain performance and empathy over time, which translates into their withdrawing from the relationship and leaving you on your own more and more.
Someone once said on this list that "their is nothing lonelier than being in a relationship with an alcoholic" and boy, did that ring a bell of truth for me.
If they disengage, and you disengage to protect yourself, the bottom line is you have disengagement. But you can't control what they do, and if they are unwilling to see the damage to the relationship, how can you carry 100% of the emotional weight of the relationship more and more over time?
Are you supposed to put you emotional needs on hold for those shorter and shorter sober periods when the "real" person emerges and gives you a few crumbs of connection? And then the sinking feeling when the drinking becomes pretty constant around the clock. The brandy in coffee, the pre-lunch cocktails, the wine while prepping dinner.
Sadly, the functional part gets more narrow and mostly focused to the outside world to "maintain" the quickly eroding functionality and the slippage happens first in the home with the loved ones. Something has to give as the disease progresses.
So the addict must have more time to drink, but still has to work. So family time gets reduced, dispensed, and minimized.
No, for me, that isn't enough for the rest of my life. I was on both sides of this, and I made the hard decision to change as my relationship was more important than the drink. But to do that, I had to admit I had a problem. If the addict thinks they don't, how can you build and maintain a normal relationship with love and daily connection?
It's very tough to love unconditionally under such conditions.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
You are right. When detatchment happens, there are many times that one gets to a point that they detatch completely from it. I certainly did. Interestingly, I just spoke to someone over the weekend who is getting ready to divorce. She and her husband mutually decided. He has a hobby that he goes off and does all the time. His issue is just that he is absent. No addiction. She said that she had to accept in her mind this is who he is and be ok with his hobby (and she was for a pretty good while), and that eventually she just stopped caring about all of it altogether. Sounds pretty similar eh?
I personally cannot just detatch from one behavior and accept that the rest is OK. Addiction is ingrained in who they have become, so it involves all else as well.
It's certainly a delicate balance.
I personally cannot just detatch from one behavior and accept that the rest is OK. Addiction is ingrained in who they have become, so it involves all else as well.
It's certainly a delicate balance.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 543
My exh was a workaholic self employed motor mechanic who spent most of his spare time rallying.
Cars were his passion. This did damage to our marriage over the years as l gradually became more and more insignificant in his life. I left him after almost 25 years of marriage and then set up home with current hubby. From workaholic to alcoholic in one fell swoop! 🤣
Cars were his passion. This did damage to our marriage over the years as l gradually became more and more insignificant in his life. I left him after almost 25 years of marriage and then set up home with current hubby. From workaholic to alcoholic in one fell swoop! 🤣
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
The caring can continue in other ways but not for this particular aspect of their lives. This is why its so hard to deal with, we have to find a way of 'switching off' the caring when it comes to alcohol.
They say we need to detach from the alcohol and alcoholic behaviors but not the alcoholic. That doesn’t mean we stop caring or stop loving them it just means we stop trying to control them and their drinking.
For some people that may work and they may even be able to continuing living with someone they have to detach from but for some of us that doesn’t work. If I have to detach from the person who I am was supposed to spend the rest of my life with and who’s consumption and behaviors from alcohol are daily and growing out of control then what’s the point.
Sometime those behaviors become dangerous, houses catch on fire, automobile accidents happen, jobs get lost, bank accounts get drained, no food for the kids, electricity gets shut off how do you actually detach from that?
I did try detaching it didn’t work for me because no matter how much I could emotionally detached I still had a front row seat to the behaviors while living with him.
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