Still Feeling So Rejected
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Still Feeling So Rejected
I don't know how to stop feeling so horrible about how my ex left me. It was just *poof* and he was gone from my life again. We had been in communication for over a year while he finished a 4 year prison sentence (we had broken up the last time in 2014, just a few months before he got arrested). He got out Friday Oct. 26th. I then saw him on the 27th (the day he actually got home) and the 28th. When I left that Sunday night, he gave me a hug & a kiss. He then called me and asked how far I was from home and to call when I got there. Then he said 'well let me call you back, I'm gonna go to the store real quick' and told me he loved me and I told him I loved him too. He didn't call back that night and so Oct. the 28th is the last time we spoke.
If you've read my prior posts, you know the story. He was supposed to go to a meeting the next day for men who had been in and out of prison due to addiction. His sister was going to take him, and I was gonna pick him up. Of course I didn't hear from him all day and then his sister called me that night saying he was high and basically I needed to let him go and move on, that he wasn't going to do right. I also found out from her at that time that he went out the night before after I left.
I had numerous dreams about him night before last. I kept waking up, would go back to sleep only to have yet another dream about him. I can't even escape the pain when I'm sleeping! I feel so devastated by being abandoned.
I don't share the same experience of constantly trying to help him with treatment, etc as some others b/c with my ex, he would not be using for several months (basically the time we would be together), then get the itch I guess, act like as ass so I would break up with him, then leave my life. I actually didn't even look at him as an addict. It took me a long time to get it through my head. Prob this last time actually really did it. It's like we were a regular couple until he got the itch. (I, of course, now know this was not normal at all).
This past time there was no warning. He was supposed to have been clean and supposedly in a drug program the last 2 years of his sentence. I mean it all happened so fast and I feel as if my head is still spinning.
I mean I've heard NOTHING from him. He's just gone. Which I'm sure is a blessing in the long run. It doesn't help the hurt I feel though. It seems all the stories I read, the addict at least stays in touch sometimes, or attempts to. My ex has never been like that. When he's gone, he's gone. I was surprised he reached out to me last year actually. Sigh.
If you've read my prior posts, you know the story. He was supposed to go to a meeting the next day for men who had been in and out of prison due to addiction. His sister was going to take him, and I was gonna pick him up. Of course I didn't hear from him all day and then his sister called me that night saying he was high and basically I needed to let him go and move on, that he wasn't going to do right. I also found out from her at that time that he went out the night before after I left.
I had numerous dreams about him night before last. I kept waking up, would go back to sleep only to have yet another dream about him. I can't even escape the pain when I'm sleeping! I feel so devastated by being abandoned.
I don't share the same experience of constantly trying to help him with treatment, etc as some others b/c with my ex, he would not be using for several months (basically the time we would be together), then get the itch I guess, act like as ass so I would break up with him, then leave my life. I actually didn't even look at him as an addict. It took me a long time to get it through my head. Prob this last time actually really did it. It's like we were a regular couple until he got the itch. (I, of course, now know this was not normal at all).
This past time there was no warning. He was supposed to have been clean and supposedly in a drug program the last 2 years of his sentence. I mean it all happened so fast and I feel as if my head is still spinning.
I mean I've heard NOTHING from him. He's just gone. Which I'm sure is a blessing in the long run. It doesn't help the hurt I feel though. It seems all the stories I read, the addict at least stays in touch sometimes, or attempts to. My ex has never been like that. When he's gone, he's gone. I was surprised he reached out to me last year actually. Sigh.
RIP Sweet Suki
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Don't take it personally. Just like you shouldn't take what he did personally. He's just doing what addicts do. Sorry you are having a hard time, but it will get better. It takes time and you cannot rush time.
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Originally Posted by suki44883 
Don't take it personally. Just like you shouldn't take what he did personally. He's just doing what addicts do. Sorry you are having a hard time, but it will get better. It takes time and you cannot rush time.
It's so hard to not take what he did personally.
Nature Girl
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Gemini, it does take time...and it takes effort and action from you to rise above this sadness.
What have you done for you? Have you looked into some of the solutions offered on your previous threads?
You have several threads here that talk about him and how sad you are, and believe me we all understand and are sorry that you hurt. It would be futile for those of us who offered support and suggestions of ways to help yourself, and who shared what helped us, to repeat them on each thread you create. Repeating ourselves won't help you, taking pause and thinking about what we suggested might. That part is up to you.
Comes a time when it's up to you to make a plan to find a better path for "you". That time is now, dear.
Good luck.
What have you done for you? Have you looked into some of the solutions offered on your previous threads?
You have several threads here that talk about him and how sad you are, and believe me we all understand and are sorry that you hurt. It would be futile for those of us who offered support and suggestions of ways to help yourself, and who shared what helped us, to repeat them on each thread you create. Repeating ourselves won't help you, taking pause and thinking about what we suggested might. That part is up to you.
Comes a time when it's up to you to make a plan to find a better path for "you". That time is now, dear.
Good luck.
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It can be slow around here on the weekends gemini7. I often take a break away from electronics on the weekends.
I think you may be mourning “a what could have been” scenario you may have been playing out in your thoughts this past year while being in communication with him. A happy life with someone who may have talked a good game and filled with promises.
If that’s the case it’s time to bury that fantasy and ground yourself in reality.
I think you may be mourning “a what could have been” scenario you may have been playing out in your thoughts this past year while being in communication with him. A happy life with someone who may have talked a good game and filled with promises.
If that’s the case it’s time to bury that fantasy and ground yourself in reality.
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Originally Posted by Ann
Gemini, it does take time...and it takes effort and action from you to rise above this sadness.
What have you done for you? Have you looked into some of the solutions offered on your previous threads?
You have several threads here that talk about him and how sad you are, and believe me we all understand and are sorry that you hurt. It would be futile for those of us who offered support and suggestions of ways to help yourself, and who shared what helped us, to repeat them on each thread you create. Repeating ourselves won't help you, taking pause and thinking about what we suggested might. That part is up to you.
Comes a time when it's up to you to make a plan to find a better path for "you". That time is now, dear.
Good luck.
What have you done for you? Have you looked into some of the solutions offered on your previous threads?
You have several threads here that talk about him and how sad you are, and believe me we all understand and are sorry that you hurt. It would be futile for those of us who offered support and suggestions of ways to help yourself, and who shared what helped us, to repeat them on each thread you create. Repeating ourselves won't help you, taking pause and thinking about what we suggested might. That part is up to you.
Comes a time when it's up to you to make a plan to find a better path for "you". That time is now, dear.
Good luck.
I just don't have anyone to talk to who understands, so I come here to vent. I don't know what else to say.
One of the main pieces of advice I've gotten is to go to Al Anon or Nar Anon meetings. I don't know that they're for me b/c I didn't experience what a lot of others have around here. I wasn't in constant crisis mode or trying to fix him all the time. I can't relate to that part of a lot of others journeys on here. I did help him this last time with finding that meeting for him to go to.
I appreciate you responding. I just won't talk about this piece of it on here anymore.
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Originally Posted by atalose
It can be slow around here on the weekends gemini7. I often take a break away from electronics on the weekends.
I think you may be mourning “a what could have been” scenario you may have been playing out in your thoughts this past year while being in communication with him. A happy life with someone who may have talked a good game and filled with promises.
If that’s the case it’s time to bury that fantasy and ground yourself in reality.
I think you may be mourning “a what could have been” scenario you may have been playing out in your thoughts this past year while being in communication with him. A happy life with someone who may have talked a good game and filled with promises.
If that’s the case it’s time to bury that fantasy and ground yourself in reality.
That's exactly what it is I guess. Not only did he leave me, but in order to get better, I now have had to alienate his family due to the 'no contact' thing. I'm mourning him and his family. All of these people just gone now.
Also, my grandma was placed in hospice this past week initially from a fall (they are her caretakers since a situation earlier this year, so her going to hospice was not b/c she was going to pass), which took a turn for the worse a few days ago when they realized she has some kind of infection and fluid in her lungs. They don't expect her to pull through this time like she did earlier this year when they told us she was def going to pass, and ended up making it.
I am very close to her. So I have all of this going on at the same time. I'm not saying this like 'oh poor me', I'm saying this like I feel totally overwhelmed right now.
Thank you for your response.
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I am so very sorry to hear about your grandma gemini7, that has to be so hard on you and yes emotionally overwhelmed to say the least. I will keep you both in my prayers.
I think when a relationship ends we tend to reflect back on the good times, the happy times, the times we felt content with no anxiety and miss those emotions which we felt while that someone special was in our lives. We also tend to minimize the damage someone else has caused us, and the limitations of that someone else that we couldn't really see before. History doesn’t repeat itself people repeat history. His history has a some major hurdles that are absolute blockages to having healthy relationships. His drug history, his incarceration history, how he treats his own mother and family, not good signs of someone who we believe makes good relationship material. Some day you will be able to reflect back and see this relationship so much clearer then you do today and you will have gratitude for this experience and life lesson.
I think when a relationship ends we tend to reflect back on the good times, the happy times, the times we felt content with no anxiety and miss those emotions which we felt while that someone special was in our lives. We also tend to minimize the damage someone else has caused us, and the limitations of that someone else that we couldn't really see before. History doesn’t repeat itself people repeat history. His history has a some major hurdles that are absolute blockages to having healthy relationships. His drug history, his incarceration history, how he treats his own mother and family, not good signs of someone who we believe makes good relationship material. Some day you will be able to reflect back and see this relationship so much clearer then you do today and you will have gratitude for this experience and life lesson.
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Originally Posted by atalose
I am so very sorry to hear about your grandma gemini7, that has to be so hard on you and yes emotionally overwhelmed to say the least. I will keep you both in my prayers.
I think when a relationship ends we tend to reflect back on the good times, the happy times, the times we felt content with no anxiety and miss those emotions which we felt while that someone special was in our lives. We also tend to minimize the damage someone else has caused us, and the limitations of that someone else that we couldn't really see before. History doesn’t repeat itself people repeat history. His history has a some major hurdles that are absolute blockages to having healthy relationships. His drug history, his incarceration history, how he treats his own mother and family, not good signs of someone who we believe makes good relationship material. Some day you will be able to reflect back and see this relationship so much clearer then you do today and you will have gratitude for this experience and life lesson.
I think when a relationship ends we tend to reflect back on the good times, the happy times, the times we felt content with no anxiety and miss those emotions which we felt while that someone special was in our lives. We also tend to minimize the damage someone else has caused us, and the limitations of that someone else that we couldn't really see before. History doesn’t repeat itself people repeat history. His history has a some major hurdles that are absolute blockages to having healthy relationships. His drug history, his incarceration history, how he treats his own mother and family, not good signs of someone who we believe makes good relationship material. Some day you will be able to reflect back and see this relationship so much clearer then you do today and you will have gratitude for this experience and life lesson.
I know all of what you say is true logically. I'm just waiting on my heart to catch up. And him not talking to his mom during this time after her accident really disappointed me. He normally was all about his mom and family in general. So that is very disheartening. Well, the whole thing is, of course.
Believe me when I say there's a huge part of me that feels relieved that he did for me, what I knew I needed to do, but am not sure I would have been able to. I'd like to think I would, but I don't know. I knew from the first day we spent together that I had changed a lot over the last 4 years and he really had not.
I knew it wouldn't last and that it wasn't healthy. He just has too many issues even if he's not using. When not using, he can be very thoughtful, loving, all about me and his family. However, he was still emotionally unavailable overall. So I feel relieved and sad at the same time. It's very confusing actually, b/c I know this dude is not the one and I keep trying to figure out why I can't just be happy he is gone.
Thank you for your kindness.
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I understand what you're saying Ann. I actually anticipated a response like yours. Basically saying, "we've heard it before and already offered advice", etc. I get that. I really do. I thought it myself.
What I meant is that you were concerned about not getting responses and I know, that for me, I didn't respond sooner because I really didn't have anything much to offer that I hadn't already said....it wasn't "I've heard it all before" kind of thing, it was more that I was fresh out of ideas.
I know you have to work through this yourself, and I know it hurts. And I hope it gets better for you soon.
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Originally Posted by Ann
That sounds harsh, and I sure didn't mean to come across harshly, so I apologize if I did.
What I meant is that you were concerned about not getting responses and I know, that for me, I didn't respond sooner because I really didn't have anything much to offer that I hadn't already said....it wasn't "I've heard it all before" kind of thing, it was more that I was fresh out of ideas.
I know you have to work through this yourself, and I know it hurts. And I hope it gets better for you soon.
What I meant is that you were concerned about not getting responses and I know, that for me, I didn't respond sooner because I really didn't have anything much to offer that I hadn't already said....it wasn't "I've heard it all before" kind of thing, it was more that I was fresh out of ideas.
I know you have to work through this yourself, and I know it hurts. And I hope it gets better for you soon.
It's just like I said above, I just don't know who else to talk to. No one in my personal life really understands what it's like to be with an addict and how these breakups (at least in my opinion) are so very different than others. It just seems so much more painful than others I've been through. And some of those were hell.
I know you to be a kind and compassionate person from what I've seen on here Ann. I just feel I really prob shouldn't speak on this piece of it anymore b/c I don't know what else anyone could say really.
Maybe I was hoping to hear from someone who has experienced it in the way that I have? I think so, now that I think of it. I haven't seen too many ppl in romantic relationships say their partner just left without a word, never to be heard from again. They usually leave, and come back or at least contact them, etc.
It's just been so painful that he just disappeared as if I never existed. Anyway, here goes the broken record again. Lol.
Thank you for your kind words Ann. I appreciate it so much.
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I've read a few where they just disappeared, Husbands, never to contact again, I'm not sure if it was Opheliakatz or shoot, username escapes me at the moment.
Anyway, hopefully this will lend some perspective:
He didn't reject "you".
I hope that you don't honestly believe he rejected you as a person. If you really think about this, is that the truth? He wants to be an active addict. That's not about you at all. Now, you are involved of course and you got hurt in the process, but it certainly isn't personal.
You had time, when he was sober in jail (if he actually was sober), to get to know him.
Now is that the "real" him that you miss? This is where it gets tough and this is where you are struggling (I think). He is not that nice guy AND an addict. He is one person, not two separate people.
This is why these relationships are so tough. In a relationship with a "normie" this kind of thing doesn't really happen, they don't have this split personality, they aren't kind and romantic and laughing one day and sullen and withdrawn and cut off the next day. It's confusing!
I suspect that what you want is the sober guy and that is what you were hoping for. He does not exist, he is not a "sober guy", no where near it.
You are focusing on how kind and loving-ish he can be to you and his family, try focusing on the other stuff. He is a drug trafficker, he is unemployed, he leaves his family at the drop of a hat and has zero concern for anyone other than himself. He has no interest in being sober, he has chosen to be an active addict.
It's not that I don't have compassion for him, without even knowing him I do have compassion, but you have to look out for yourself.
While you have grown in the last 4 years you were still, basically, in a relationship with him, so there is grieving to do here and separating and realizing he is not who he presented to you in those 4 years.
Oh and I am happy to have a conversation about all this with you! I didn't see your post on the weekend. I'm really sorry to hear about your Grandma.
Anyway, hopefully this will lend some perspective:
He didn't reject "you".
I hope that you don't honestly believe he rejected you as a person. If you really think about this, is that the truth? He wants to be an active addict. That's not about you at all. Now, you are involved of course and you got hurt in the process, but it certainly isn't personal.
You had time, when he was sober in jail (if he actually was sober), to get to know him.
Now is that the "real" him that you miss? This is where it gets tough and this is where you are struggling (I think). He is not that nice guy AND an addict. He is one person, not two separate people.
This is why these relationships are so tough. In a relationship with a "normie" this kind of thing doesn't really happen, they don't have this split personality, they aren't kind and romantic and laughing one day and sullen and withdrawn and cut off the next day. It's confusing!
I suspect that what you want is the sober guy and that is what you were hoping for. He does not exist, he is not a "sober guy", no where near it.
You are focusing on how kind and loving-ish he can be to you and his family, try focusing on the other stuff. He is a drug trafficker, he is unemployed, he leaves his family at the drop of a hat and has zero concern for anyone other than himself. He has no interest in being sober, he has chosen to be an active addict.
It's not that I don't have compassion for him, without even knowing him I do have compassion, but you have to look out for yourself.
While you have grown in the last 4 years you were still, basically, in a relationship with him, so there is grieving to do here and separating and realizing he is not who he presented to you in those 4 years.
Oh and I am happy to have a conversation about all this with you! I didn't see your post on the weekend. I'm really sorry to hear about your Grandma.
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I just saw this in your other thread:
It can't help until you realize and really wrap your head around the "one person" thing.
"In the field of psychology, cognitive dissonance is the mental discomfort (psychological stress) experienced by a person who simultaneously holds two or more contradictory beliefs, ideas, or values".
It's not easy, sometimes and sometimes I think it just comes to you in a moment.
It's not personal because you didn't figure in to his equation. Do you honestly think he sat down and thought, I can "abandon" gemini and my family and just take drugs instead? No, he probably just thought - oh I want drugs. As I'm sure you know, addiction is selfish.
Originally Posted by gemini7
I keep reading that I shouldn't take it personally b/c he's an addict. It's not really helping.
"In the field of psychology, cognitive dissonance is the mental discomfort (psychological stress) experienced by a person who simultaneously holds two or more contradictory beliefs, ideas, or values".
It's not easy, sometimes and sometimes I think it just comes to you in a moment.
It's not personal because you didn't figure in to his equation. Do you honestly think he sat down and thought, I can "abandon" gemini and my family and just take drugs instead? No, he probably just thought - oh I want drugs. As I'm sure you know, addiction is selfish.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
I've read a few where they just disappeared, Husbands, never to contact again, I'm not sure if it was Opheliakatz or shoot, username escapes me at the moment.
Anyway, hopefully this will lend some perspective:
He didn't reject "you".
I hope that you don't honestly believe he rejected you as a person. If you really think about this, is that the truth? He wants to be an active addict. That's not about you at all. Now, you are involved of course and you got hurt in the process, but it certainly isn't personal.
You had time, when he was sober in jail (if he actually was sober), to get to know him.
Now is that the "real" him that you miss? This is where it gets tough and this is where you are struggling (I think). He is not that nice guy AND an addict. He is one person, not two separate people.
This is why these relationships are so tough. In a relationship with a "normie" this kind of thing doesn't really happen, they don't have this split personality, they aren't kind and romantic and laughing one day and sullen and withdrawn and cut off the next day. It's confusing!
I suspect that what you want is the sober guy and that is what you were hoping for. He does not exist, he is not a "sober guy", no where near it.
You are focusing on how kind and loving-ish he can be to you and his family, try focusing on the other stuff. He is a drug trafficker, he is unemployed, he leaves his family at the drop of a hat and has zero concern for anyone other than himself. He has no interest in being sober, he has chosen to be an active addict.
It's not that I don't have compassion for him, without even knowing him I do have compassion, but you have to look out for yourself.
While you have grown in the last 4 years you were still, basically, in a relationship with him, so there is grieving to do here and separating and realizing he is not who he presented to you in those 4 years.
Oh and I am happy to have a conversation about all this with you! I didn't see your post on the weekend. I'm really sorry to hear about your Grandma.
Anyway, hopefully this will lend some perspective:
He didn't reject "you".
I hope that you don't honestly believe he rejected you as a person. If you really think about this, is that the truth? He wants to be an active addict. That's not about you at all. Now, you are involved of course and you got hurt in the process, but it certainly isn't personal.
You had time, when he was sober in jail (if he actually was sober), to get to know him.
Now is that the "real" him that you miss? This is where it gets tough and this is where you are struggling (I think). He is not that nice guy AND an addict. He is one person, not two separate people.
This is why these relationships are so tough. In a relationship with a "normie" this kind of thing doesn't really happen, they don't have this split personality, they aren't kind and romantic and laughing one day and sullen and withdrawn and cut off the next day. It's confusing!
I suspect that what you want is the sober guy and that is what you were hoping for. He does not exist, he is not a "sober guy", no where near it.
You are focusing on how kind and loving-ish he can be to you and his family, try focusing on the other stuff. He is a drug trafficker, he is unemployed, he leaves his family at the drop of a hat and has zero concern for anyone other than himself. He has no interest in being sober, he has chosen to be an active addict.
It's not that I don't have compassion for him, without even knowing him I do have compassion, but you have to look out for yourself.
While you have grown in the last 4 years you were still, basically, in a relationship with him, so there is grieving to do here and separating and realizing he is not who he presented to you in those 4 years.
Oh and I am happy to have a conversation about all this with you! I didn't see your post on the weekend. I'm really sorry to hear about your Grandma.
Yeah, I don't know if he was actually sober or not. His family and I both now question that. I find it highly doubtful seeing how quickly he went back to drugs.
I knew him before he went to prison. We have a long history. If you mean did I feel like I was getting to know him as a truly sober person, then honestly, not really. He didn't seem to have changed too much except I noticed he didn't get annoyed/mad as easily. He seemed more patient and understanding. I was waiting to see how he would be when he got out.
I never planned on getting back with him right away. I kept telling him I would only be his friend. And that's all we were while he was locked up. But as soon as I saw him the day he got out, all of my good intentions went out of the window and it's like we picked up right where we left off before we broke up a couple of months before he was arrested 4 years ago. I wasn't as strong as I thought I would be.
And now we're here.
Thank you for your response. I need to really get this through my head that it's not personal.
I sent you a private message.
P.S. Thank you for what you said about my grandma. It's been really hard.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
I've read a few where they just disappeared, Husbands, never to contact again, I'm not sure if it was Opheliakatz or shoot, username escapes me at the moment.
Anyway, hopefully this will lend some perspective:
He didn't reject "you".
I hope that you don't honestly believe he rejected you as a person. If you really think about this, is that the truth? He wants to be an active addict. That's not about you at all. Now, you are involved of course and you got hurt in the process, but it certainly isn't personal.
You had time, when he was sober in jail (if he actually was sober), to get to know him.
Now is that the "real" him that you miss? This is where it gets tough and this is where you are struggling (I think). He is not that nice guy AND an addict. He is one person, not two separate people.
This is why these relationships are so tough. In a relationship with a "normie" this kind of thing doesn't really happen, they don't have this split personality, they aren't kind and romantic and laughing one day and sullen and withdrawn and cut off the next day. It's confusing!
I suspect that what you want is the sober guy and that is what you were hoping for. He does not exist, he is not a "sober guy", no where near it.
You are focusing on how kind and loving-ish he can be to you and his family, try focusing on the other stuff. He is a drug trafficker, he is unemployed, he leaves his family at the drop of a hat and has zero concern for anyone other than himself. He has no interest in being sober, he has chosen to be an active addict.
It's not that I don't have compassion for him, without even knowing him I do have compassion, but you have to look out for yourself.
While you have grown in the last 4 years you were still, basically, in a relationship with him, so there is grieving to do here and separating and realizing he is not who he presented to you in those 4 years.
Oh and I am happy to have a conversation about all this with you! I didn't see your post on the weekend. I'm really sorry to hear about your Grandma.
Anyway, hopefully this will lend some perspective:
He didn't reject "you".
I hope that you don't honestly believe he rejected you as a person. If you really think about this, is that the truth? He wants to be an active addict. That's not about you at all. Now, you are involved of course and you got hurt in the process, but it certainly isn't personal.
You had time, when he was sober in jail (if he actually was sober), to get to know him.
Now is that the "real" him that you miss? This is where it gets tough and this is where you are struggling (I think). He is not that nice guy AND an addict. He is one person, not two separate people.
This is why these relationships are so tough. In a relationship with a "normie" this kind of thing doesn't really happen, they don't have this split personality, they aren't kind and romantic and laughing one day and sullen and withdrawn and cut off the next day. It's confusing!
I suspect that what you want is the sober guy and that is what you were hoping for. He does not exist, he is not a "sober guy", no where near it.
You are focusing on how kind and loving-ish he can be to you and his family, try focusing on the other stuff. He is a drug trafficker, he is unemployed, he leaves his family at the drop of a hat and has zero concern for anyone other than himself. He has no interest in being sober, he has chosen to be an active addict.
It's not that I don't have compassion for him, without even knowing him I do have compassion, but you have to look out for yourself.
While you have grown in the last 4 years you were still, basically, in a relationship with him, so there is grieving to do here and separating and realizing he is not who he presented to you in those 4 years.
Oh and I am happy to have a conversation about all this with you! I didn't see your post on the weekend. I'm really sorry to hear about your Grandma.
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Originally Posted by hopeful4
Thinking of you!
I am so sorry about your grandma, and so sorry you are hurting.
This is a grieving process. Take good care of you while it's happening.
Sending you huge hugs!
I am so sorry about your grandma, and so sorry you are hurting.
This is a grieving process. Take good care of you while it's happening.
Sending you huge hugs!
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