When will I stop thinking about the needle?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 3
When will I stop thinking about the needle?
After 15 orthopedic surgeries I am prescribed Exalgo hydromorphone extended release, 64mg every 12 hours routinely, along with up to six 8mg dilaudid per day. This is where I'm at after five years of trying most other opiods. Without the opioids I'm bedridden from pain. About two years ago i started abusing my scripts intravenously. I started small but it wasn't long I was shooting up all my hydromorphone. My fiance caught me. She became my pharmacist and we weened me back to oral only. After a few weeks back on oral I convinced her to let me have my meds back so I could prove I could be trusted. Three weeks later I slipped and it wasn't long after I was right back where I left off, shooting up all my daily meds again. Six months later she caught me again. Now we know I can't be trusted at all. She has complete control over my meds and my testosterone injections. When I see a needle and syringe my heart races--I want it so badly. I told her this last Tuesday after she administered my weekly testosterone injection. After each weekly testosterone injection, in front of her, I break the needle in half and break the syringe.
When, if ever, will my brain stop romanticizing that effing needle? I know if I slip again I'm right back where I was before.
I am finally able to physically go to an NA meeting, but I am worried I won't be accepted because I am still an opiod user, but I need someone to talk too. I need a sponser.
When, if ever, will my brain stop romanticizing that effing needle? I know if I slip again I'm right back where I was before.
I am finally able to physically go to an NA meeting, but I am worried I won't be accepted because I am still an opiod user, but I need someone to talk too. I need a sponser.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 2,872
Hello and welcome.
I don't have any experience with needles, but you sound like a great candidate for NA.
I was still drinking when I first went to AA and nobody judged me.
The only way to find out is to try a meeting. I would definitely go. You have nothing to lose except a bad habit and that's the reason everyone else is there for.
I would put my fears aside and go. I hope you do.
I don't have any experience with needles, but you sound like a great candidate for NA.
I was still drinking when I first went to AA and nobody judged me.
The only way to find out is to try a meeting. I would definitely go. You have nothing to lose except a bad habit and that's the reason everyone else is there for.
I would put my fears aside and go. I hope you do.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 3
Thanks for the encouragement.
You are absolutly correct, I need to get to a meeting. Im also an alcoholic. So was my late father. He took me to my first AA meetings. I am still alcohol free 24 years, with a rare crave. I stopped smoking 14 years ago after lighting up for 25 years.
When I'm stressed I think about smoking.
When I'm awake I think about the needle.
In about an hour a NA meeting starts near me.
When I'm stressed I think about smoking.
When I'm awake I think about the needle.
In about an hour a NA meeting starts near me.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,432
Welcome 2times2many 
I'm glad you have a supportive and proactive partner, but I also think that something like NA might be able to help get you to the point where you can be self sufficient and self responsible again.
The support here can help too
D
I'm glad you have a supportive and proactive partner, but I also think that something like NA might be able to help get you to the point where you can be self sufficient and self responsible again.
The support here can help too
D
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 2,872
Wow, congratulations on your sobriety. That is awesome. I've been an alcoholic for about as long as you've been sober.
I, myself, have been sober nine years and ten months. Couldn't have done it without AA.
Alcoholism goes way back in my family.
Meeting in an hour. I hope you go. You're familiar with the program so that's a great start.
Wishing the best for you.
I, myself, have been sober nine years and ten months. Couldn't have done it without AA.
Alcoholism goes way back in my family.
Meeting in an hour. I hope you go. You're familiar with the program so that's a great start.
Wishing the best for you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 3
Sharing what I started this thread with, has had a healing effect. I was burdened with a secret only my partner and I know but now anyone who reads it knows too. She may have sought advice from doctors and nurses. She's a mental health professional--lucky break for this bald-faced lying addict. I decieved her on a deep level--no white lies about it, just straight to her face, right in the eye, lies. My amends with her is that I don't shoot up.
I know I need to attend meetings, get a sponser and get back to actively working the steps. I'll let you know when I do make my first NA meeting.
I know I need to attend meetings, get a sponser and get back to actively working the steps. I'll let you know when I do make my first NA meeting.
No Dogma Please
Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: SoCal
Posts: 2,562
I just took drinking off the table completely.
But I didn't have to have medicinal alcohol. I think that would have been really difficult.
I think you should think about keeping her as your pharmacist indefinitely, if she's willing to do that, and in parallel work on your sobriety. I think this would be a good discussion to have with an NA group. I know that my other addictions weren't really being understood by AA groups....there's the element of scoring that's different from going to the liquor store, among other things. After the first 90 days I stopped 12 Step and it's now been 18 months sober, with barely a twinge, and any slight cravings are easily managed. I think the difference between alcoholism and illegal drug addictions, aside from the scoring aspect, is that you probably won't be confronted with intravenous drug use at, say, your office party or a relative's wedding.
It's great that you're thinking about these things.
But I didn't have to have medicinal alcohol. I think that would have been really difficult.
I think you should think about keeping her as your pharmacist indefinitely, if she's willing to do that, and in parallel work on your sobriety. I think this would be a good discussion to have with an NA group. I know that my other addictions weren't really being understood by AA groups....there's the element of scoring that's different from going to the liquor store, among other things. After the first 90 days I stopped 12 Step and it's now been 18 months sober, with barely a twinge, and any slight cravings are easily managed. I think the difference between alcoholism and illegal drug addictions, aside from the scoring aspect, is that you probably won't be confronted with intravenous drug use at, say, your office party or a relative's wedding.
It's great that you're thinking about these things.
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