Loveblue

Throughout our 21 year marriage, alcohol has ALWAYS been the root of our issues. We never really fight, however, I ALWAYS have a problem with the drinking. Hubby doesn't stop drinking until he is **** drunk. Usually at events, or nights out, parties, usually on the weekends. He's a happy, emotional drunk. I look back, having a clear picture now of my marriage, bday parties, family functions, all events, he is usually the one who has taken it too far. Many many years, coming home from holidays with extended family, I always had to drive. I never trusted him not to drink, so I never drank, I was the designated driver. I have years of resentment. I cannot count how many times I had to pull over on major highways with our baby daughter in the backseat, so he could pee or throw up...... Our baby girl is now grown and is away at school. He drinks and gets mad at me if I mention that he takes a break. He drank 2 small bottle of vodka because he was arguing with his siblings, so I called him out on it and now he is ignoring me, purposely bought a huge bottle of wine and had to make it a point to tell me, "the wine's for me...."??!!

there's more, and i'm just venting because I don't have anyone to talk to about this, and I feel like i'm getting depressed and feeling really down. I guess it's my fault that I allow him to make me feel bad for calling him out on it, but he first says, he's a guy, doing nothing wrong, just having fun....

trailmix

It's been 21 years. He is not going to change, I think that's a given? So basically you telling him to slow down or quit drinking is a waste of your time.

There is no reason to "blame" yourself. I would question why you call him out though.

He is a grown man, he wants to drink (and is very clear about that) and he is going to. He doesn't have a problem with his drinking, you do.

Really you are either going to have to accept him the way he is or learn to detach from it perhaps. You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c-s)

I'm sorry you are in such a rough spot. What do you want going forward?

Loveblue

[QUOTE=trailmix;7057981]It's been 21 years. He is not going to change, I think that's a given? So basically you telling him to slow down or quit drinking is a waste of your time.

There is no reason to "blame" yourself. I would question why you call him out though.

He is a grown man, he wants to drink (and is very clear about that) and he is going to. He doesn't have a problem with his drinking, you do.

Really you are either going to have to accept him the way he is or learn to detach from it perhaps. You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c-s)

I'm sorry you are in such a rough spot. What do you want going forward?[/QUOTE

the more I think about this, the reality hits hard. Accepting his drinking=accepting an unhappy marriage on my end. I look back and now see all the signs so clearly from years ago that brought us to today. He hasn't changed, just got worse. My tolerance is now zero.

trailmix

If you are "all in" - as you have appeared to be, eventually this will wear you down, hence the zero tolerance now. It's not "nothing", it affects everyone around them and in more ways than just making them angry. If you aren't detaching from the behaviour you end up with a lot of resentment.

I'm sure that you have seen some things in yourself as a result of this that you are pretty sure are not you (on a regular basis). Rage? Guilt? Sadness? Resentment? Yelling? Just a myriad of things that probably would not be the day to day you - if left to your own devices.

I'm not saying any of the above applies to you of course, that may not be your experience, however living in dysfunction tends to bring these things to the forefront.

Alcoholism is progressive. It does, generally, get worse. Aside from the negative physical toll, the alcoholic has to drink more and more to try to achieve the same result.

You might find this article helpful:

Addiction, Lies and Relationships

Also some good threads in the stickies at the top of this forum as well, if you are interested you might want to start here:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)

BlownOne

There is nothing an alcoholic despises more than being called out on their drinking. I know because that was me. You have two choices: You can stay and put up with it, or you can leave and spend what's left of your life the way you want to. But he's not going to quit drinking anytime soon. Alcoholics and addicts don't change until they hit rock bottom. Hugs to you.

Loveblue

thank you, and you are all correct. I think I need a reality check to help me remind myself that his drinking cannot be my problem. And you are correct Trailmix, all of that is at the forefront for me.

FeelingGreat

Loveblue, he's shown you where he stands re the drinking, and it's his intention to protect it. As a recovered A, I know how dependent you get on having that regular drink. Probably the thought of stopping horrifies him.

Where does that leave you? I note your daughter's now left home, so maybe things are coming to a head? How are you set up emotionally, financially and job wise?

Empty nest is a hard time anyway, but it's also highlighted the future with your AH drinking as usual or possibly getting worse. Maybe your could talk it over with a counsellor?

hopeful4

Your daughter may be a baby now, but eventually she will be grown enough to realize what affects his addiction have on her. It's a painful and awful thing to watch, seeing your children hurt over their drunken behaviors. It turns your home into a toxic one.

Said from a momma of two kids who have been in counseling for years from the affects.

You, and your daughter, deserve more.