Nothing to hide
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Big City
Posts: 3,895
Nothing to hide
Tonight as I was giving my daughter a bath, my wife was running around the house, packing for a trip we are making to family over Thanksgiving. It was as mundane and sweet and simple and
everyday" an evening in the life of a family as one could ask for. I heard my wife opening closets, drawers, moving things around, looking for clothes and stuff to pack. And I realized I had nothing to hide - there were no empty bottles of alcohol stuffed in the back of my sock drawer, hidden in my son's old backpack, etc ad infinitum.
It was such a deep deep relief to not worry about being caught or found out that I wanted to reflect on it. So now, after everyone is in bed asleep, I sit on my couch and allow myself to remember the terrible feelings of deceit with which I operated in my drinking days. I would always fill the wine bottles up with water at the end of the night - leaving just enough red in the bottom that you wouldn't notice the pale color, unless you looked hard. I remember using food coloring on more than one occasion. I remember the horrible anxiety I would feel when people were over and I wasn't there - worried they might try to pour a drink from the bottle of vodka and realize it was just water. I remember driving all the way to my parents house to get rid of empty bottles that I had forgotten to trash and left in the trunk of their car I borrowed. Empties in briefcases, under couch cushions, above cabinets, behind books, stuffed in bushes, thrown out windows, snuck around, hidden here and there and everywhere in my life. A life of empties.
So many many many lies, so much deceit. In the end I was living the pain and shame of a liar - I HAD to lie to drink as much as I did, it was and should have been unacceptable to drink that much. And the psychic pain, the soul pain, that lying was causing me eventually became unbearable and was one of the main reasons I quit. I just can't lie like that anymore.
Now I am allowed to feel the opposite feeling. Now I get peace. I get simple, clear as an arctic lake peace, clam and confident. There's nothing to hide - so nothing is hidden. It's remarkable. It's terrific. And yet, difficult as it is to quit, it's so simple of an equation. When you stop lying and stop hiding, there's nothing to lie or hide. And your life is yours again, finally.
everyday" an evening in the life of a family as one could ask for. I heard my wife opening closets, drawers, moving things around, looking for clothes and stuff to pack. And I realized I had nothing to hide - there were no empty bottles of alcohol stuffed in the back of my sock drawer, hidden in my son's old backpack, etc ad infinitum.
It was such a deep deep relief to not worry about being caught or found out that I wanted to reflect on it. So now, after everyone is in bed asleep, I sit on my couch and allow myself to remember the terrible feelings of deceit with which I operated in my drinking days. I would always fill the wine bottles up with water at the end of the night - leaving just enough red in the bottom that you wouldn't notice the pale color, unless you looked hard. I remember using food coloring on more than one occasion. I remember the horrible anxiety I would feel when people were over and I wasn't there - worried they might try to pour a drink from the bottle of vodka and realize it was just water. I remember driving all the way to my parents house to get rid of empty bottles that I had forgotten to trash and left in the trunk of their car I borrowed. Empties in briefcases, under couch cushions, above cabinets, behind books, stuffed in bushes, thrown out windows, snuck around, hidden here and there and everywhere in my life. A life of empties.
So many many many lies, so much deceit. In the end I was living the pain and shame of a liar - I HAD to lie to drink as much as I did, it was and should have been unacceptable to drink that much. And the psychic pain, the soul pain, that lying was causing me eventually became unbearable and was one of the main reasons I quit. I just can't lie like that anymore.
Now I am allowed to feel the opposite feeling. Now I get peace. I get simple, clear as an arctic lake peace, clam and confident. There's nothing to hide - so nothing is hidden. It's remarkable. It's terrific. And yet, difficult as it is to quit, it's so simple of an equation. When you stop lying and stop hiding, there's nothing to lie or hide. And your life is yours again, finally.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
What a fantastic post LG. I can just feel the relief with you. What a lovely moment you had free from guilt or worry.
I live ALONE with only my children and hid bottles. I couldn't bear to put them all in the recycling bin (which is kept at the back of my house, so no one on the street would see) and feared recycling day, always trying to space out how many I put out at a time. I would hide bottles all over the house for fear of a visitor or my on/off boyfriend stopping by.
I remember one time the children's nanny came by my house, she had to go in their wardrobe to get some clothes to take to their father's house. I had stored two empties way back in the back behind the hanging coats. The next time their father came by my house, he came in, went straight to their bedroom and opened their wardrobe, "looking for a particular shirt" By that time I had moved the bottles but I know that she had reported this to him and he was looking for the bottles.
Ugh. I still found random bottles months after I had quit and thought I had done a full clean out.
I live ALONE with only my children and hid bottles. I couldn't bear to put them all in the recycling bin (which is kept at the back of my house, so no one on the street would see) and feared recycling day, always trying to space out how many I put out at a time. I would hide bottles all over the house for fear of a visitor or my on/off boyfriend stopping by.
I remember one time the children's nanny came by my house, she had to go in their wardrobe to get some clothes to take to their father's house. I had stored two empties way back in the back behind the hanging coats. The next time their father came by my house, he came in, went straight to their bedroom and opened their wardrobe, "looking for a particular shirt" By that time I had moved the bottles but I know that she had reported this to him and he was looking for the bottles.
Ugh. I still found random bottles months after I had quit and thought I had done a full clean out.
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
less,
I hope we never relapse. I don't think I could survive another healing.
If kindling is as advertised, based on how this last physical/mental healing process time exponentially grew, I will be a wack job for 10 years.
I don't think I could make it on my own if that were to ever happen.
Thanks.
I hope we never relapse. I don't think I could survive another healing.
If kindling is as advertised, based on how this last physical/mental healing process time exponentially grew, I will be a wack job for 10 years.
I don't think I could make it on my own if that were to ever happen.
Thanks.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Big City
Posts: 3,895
Originally Posted by Meraviglioso 
What a fantastic post LG. I can just feel the relief with you. What a lovely moment you had free from guilt or worry.
I live ALONE with only my children and hid bottles. I couldn't bear to put them all in the recycling bin (which is kept at the back of my house, so no one on the street would see) and feared recycling day, always trying to space out how many I put out at a time. I would hide bottles all over the house for fear of a visitor or my on/off boyfriend stopping by.
I remember one time the children's nanny came by my house, she had to go in their wardrobe to get some clothes to take to their father's house. I had stored two empties way back in the back behind the hanging coats. The next time their father came by my house, he came in, went straight to their bedroom and opened their wardrobe, "looking for a particular shirt" By that time I had moved the bottles but I know that she had reported this to him and he was looking for the bottles.
Ugh. I still found random bottles months after I had quit and thought I had done a full clean out.
I live ALONE with only my children and hid bottles. I couldn't bear to put them all in the recycling bin (which is kept at the back of my house, so no one on the street would see) and feared recycling day, always trying to space out how many I put out at a time. I would hide bottles all over the house for fear of a visitor or my on/off boyfriend stopping by.
I remember one time the children's nanny came by my house, she had to go in their wardrobe to get some clothes to take to their father's house. I had stored two empties way back in the back behind the hanging coats. The next time their father came by my house, he came in, went straight to their bedroom and opened their wardrobe, "looking for a particular shirt" By that time I had moved the bottles but I know that she had reported this to him and he was looking for the bottles.
Ugh. I still found random bottles months after I had quit and thought I had done a full clean out.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 771
Great post. I have cleared out the hidden empties so many times, only to end up stashing more. And the water trick — I’ve done that one. So now I’m only on day 6, and I think I have all my empties cleared out. I still run across the occasional cork or bottle cap, but I think I’ve done away with those too. Still get anxiety when anyone goes near my closet. I look forward to leaving this further and further in my rear view mirror.
Ocean Lover!
Join Date: Apr 2018
Location: You know nothing Jon Snow - UK
Posts: 2,604
Great post Less! I have had a few moments in the last week where that sinking feeling of "what did I say" "oh my god how did I get this bruise..what did I do?" only to realise that I said nothing and I just banged my arm on the fridge door...sober! It was such a relief to realise I don't have to have any of those moments again.
I like your choice of words "A life of empties". For me realising that once the bottle was gone at the end of every binge the only thing I was ever left with was an empty vessle, and it wasn't long before I became an empty vessel myself.
I am so grateful this is not my life anymore. Your posts are always so inspiring Less, always on point and you get right to the heart of the emotions we all feel. So glad to have you around! xx
I like your choice of words "A life of empties". For me realising that once the bottle was gone at the end of every binge the only thing I was ever left with was an empty vessle, and it wasn't long before I became an empty vessel myself.
I am so grateful this is not my life anymore. Your posts are always so inspiring Less, always on point and you get right to the heart of the emotions we all feel. So glad to have you around! xx
Member
Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 108
Funny you should post this less. After I lost virtually everything, I was forced to move into my fathers basement. Yesterday I was cleaning some stuff out with him and had to move my bed. Wow. There were 20 empty nip bottles and various beer cans. We just kind of looked at each other and I shrugged. Knowing that it’s over, it was kind of funny in a way. Even found a couple full ones. Must have passed out and dropped them cause no way those would’ve gone undrunk. Sober life is good!!
Last edited by Accord1; 11-18-2018 at 06:34 AM. Reason: I don’t live there anymore. Would be if still drinking.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 230
Awesome post . Well done . I hated bottles of bear . I was putting into bin as soon as not to see self distruction . Then i started buying flowers . Reduced as i m on budget . For every sober day it was a bunch of flowers . My house become as sb mentioned like funeral house but it is better than an off licence store . I m still very scared . I would not manage another healing . And stress is more .life is more . Flowers my new coping remedy . X D
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Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: Right here, right now
Posts: 3,963
Thank you for the post and the reminders. I had my own little private bar in the walk in closet. Wine, vodka, tequila, depending on my mood. Breath mints and gum too. The master bedroom is far removed from the rest of the house so it was easy to sneak up there. I used to think I was so clever and cool with arranging this space. I thought I was fooling everyone. I was actually, for a long time. But I could never hide from myself. I had so much anxiety, both from the excessive drinking, and from hiding it and fearing I’d get caught. In the end I finally realized that I was only punishing myself.
I also would fill the bottles up with water so the amount I drank wasn’t noticeable. If it was red wine, I’d pour some cooking wine in there. I never thought about food coloring. Clever! When I had a chance, I’d pour it out, then replace with a new bottle. I’d have to empty the contents of the new bottle some so that the levels were even. What was left of the new bottle would go back up to my bar. And the cycle would continue. I was very organized about this! It got tricky if I couldn’t find the same exact wine bottle. So then I’d just use one of those funnels to pour a different wine of same varietal in the used bottle.
It’s so crazy to think about this now. I didn’t realize how many other people did these things. We were all so sneaky!
It’s so great to now live a life of honesty and authenticity and no longer worried that our secrets and lies will be uncovered!
The stash I used to keep in the closet bar has been replaced by two beautiful boxes holding the ashes of two former cats. I guess I’m a little wacky. Not sure why I chose these items but that’s what I did, and it gives me a peaceful feeling
I also would fill the bottles up with water so the amount I drank wasn’t noticeable. If it was red wine, I’d pour some cooking wine in there. I never thought about food coloring. Clever! When I had a chance, I’d pour it out, then replace with a new bottle. I’d have to empty the contents of the new bottle some so that the levels were even. What was left of the new bottle would go back up to my bar. And the cycle would continue. I was very organized about this! It got tricky if I couldn’t find the same exact wine bottle. So then I’d just use one of those funnels to pour a different wine of same varietal in the used bottle.
It’s so crazy to think about this now. I didn’t realize how many other people did these things. We were all so sneaky!
It’s so great to now live a life of honesty and authenticity and no longer worried that our secrets and lies will be uncovered!
The stash I used to keep in the closet bar has been replaced by two beautiful boxes holding the ashes of two former cats. I guess I’m a little wacky. Not sure why I chose these items but that’s what I did, and it gives me a peaceful feeling
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Big City
Posts: 3,895
Originally Posted by Fearlessat50
Thank you for the post and the reminders. I had my own little private bar in the walk in closet. Wine, vodka, tequila, depending on my mood. Breath mints and gum too. The master bedroom is far removed from the rest of the house so it was easy to sneak up there. I used to think I was so clever and cool with arranging this space. I thought I was fooling everyone. I was actually, for a long time. But I could never hide from myself. I had so much anxiety, both from the excessive drinking, and from hiding it and fearing I’d get caught. In the end I finally realized that I was only punishing myself.
I also would fill the bottles up with water so the amount I drank wasn’t noticeable. If it was red wine, I’d pour some cooking wine in there. I never thought about food coloring. Clever! When I had a chance, I’d pour it out, then replace with a new bottle. I’d have to empty the contents of the new bottle some so that the levels were even. What was left of the new bottle would go back up to my bar. And the cycle would continue. I was very organized about this! It got tricky if I couldn’t find the same exact wine bottle. So then I’d just use one of those funnels to pour a different wine of same varietal in the used bottle.
It’s so crazy to think about this now. I didn’t realize how many other people did these things. We were all so sneaky!
It’s so great to now live a life of honesty and authenticity and no longer worried that our secrets and lies will be uncovered!
The stash I used to keep in the closet bar has been replaced by two beautiful boxes holding the ashes of two former cats. I guess I’m a little wacky. Not sure why I chose these items but that’s what I did, and it gives me a peaceful feeling
I also would fill the bottles up with water so the amount I drank wasn’t noticeable. If it was red wine, I’d pour some cooking wine in there. I never thought about food coloring. Clever! When I had a chance, I’d pour it out, then replace with a new bottle. I’d have to empty the contents of the new bottle some so that the levels were even. What was left of the new bottle would go back up to my bar. And the cycle would continue. I was very organized about this! It got tricky if I couldn’t find the same exact wine bottle. So then I’d just use one of those funnels to pour a different wine of same varietal in the used bottle.
It’s so crazy to think about this now. I didn’t realize how many other people did these things. We were all so sneaky!
It’s so great to now live a life of honesty and authenticity and no longer worried that our secrets and lies will be uncovered!
The stash I used to keep in the closet bar has been replaced by two beautiful boxes holding the ashes of two former cats. I guess I’m a little wacky. Not sure why I chose these items but that’s what I did, and it gives me a peaceful feeling
Love your quote regarding the moments in between impulse and choice. Something I'm thinking about today.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 674
Man, that feeling of anxiety you described at worrying that you might be found out while not around... it struck home.
It's got all the classic alcoholic things... managing being a drunk even while not being drunk, the desperate need to exert control over everything, etc. etc..
When I think about the energy I expended to destroy myself it really does make me scratch my head... what the heck was that all about?
O well, I share your sense of relief man. Appreciate what you share around here. Happy holidays!
-B
It's got all the classic alcoholic things... managing being a drunk even while not being drunk, the desperate need to exert control over everything, etc. etc..
When I think about the energy I expended to destroy myself it really does make me scratch my head... what the heck was that all about?
O well, I share your sense of relief man. Appreciate what you share around here. Happy holidays!
-B
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