Guener

There is another thread going that is aptly called, "I Like Myself", and it's a wonderful affirmation of hope and serenity. As I read it I realized that I still don't like me. I'm airing my thoughts here so as not to "pollute" the waters of what should remain a positive set of statements.

I have never liked me or my life, it goes back to the anxiety and depression I have written about before here. What I'm feeling now is not related to feelings of remorse and guilt, though I still have my regrets to forgive myself. It's also not about the feedback that I get from others, most people think I am eminently likable as a person. I just don't feel comfortable in my own skin.

Sure, I'm a bit vulnerable right now, with new sobriety and all sorts of other changes, and my depression and anxiety are under control. But when I reflect inwardly, I still don't find any love for me as I am. It's a hard place to be, kind of like returning to my childhood days when I didn't understand emotions very well at all. Perhaps I am still an emotional child wanting desperately to be liked, and I am still setting boundaries about what I will do to please somebody else but me: stuff for me and my therapist to talk about, I guess.

On the other hand, I do like what I am doing for myself. I receive more worthy self-observations about me than I feel within me. Still, I struggle with my identity. For now I am pleased enough to be on my current path.

D122y

Gue,

As I am still in early sobriety, I am careful to not trust my feelings, thoughts, emotions etc. I am like a 4 year old child in sobriety.

I have to move w as much confidence as I can muster because I am a 54 yo man.

I fake it till I make it. I am med free except for lisinopril. I tried to skip a day and my BP jumped.

Life is a gift because it is fleeting and I get only one go around. With that in mind, I try and have as much fun as I can even when i am under duress.

I remember when i was 27 i thought, man getting old sucks. Now at 54, I wish i was 27. I would give everything I have to get to start again. I would start by quitting being a drunk.

Thanks.

NYCDoglvr

To get self-esteem you must take "esteemable" actions.........

Free2bme888

A trick I learned a long time ago, it was an exercise :-)

My therapist told me to look in the mirror every day, twice a day and said to myself without cracking up, or without discussed, or embarrassment, and say “I love myself!“ 10 times in a row.

Ohmygoodness!! It is so hard. I had forgotten about that exercise until I read your post. It time I started that mantra again. Maybe if you tried I t you will begin to love yourself too ❤️

Dee74

It took a little while for me to develop self esteem - I was fighting forty years of 'stuff'...but doing the right things in my day to day life, helping others, finding meaning, feeling productive...surrounding myself with supportive and positive people...and most importantly of all not poisoning my mind and body...

all that and a little time, changed me, for the better, forever

Someone mentioned not being able to trust their thoughts and feelings - I can now - and thats priceless to me

Keep the faith Guener

D

hopeful4

It has taken me quite some time to say that I like who I am. There are still flaws, and there always will be as none of us is perfect. However, I stay up on making amends when I need to, and that helps immensely. Even small things. Guilt can ruin a person.

Keep working, you will get there!

trailmix

I think the most important place to start is accepting yourself.

Sometimes we can look at our physical appearance or our personalities and say well I don't like that extra 20 lbs and I don't like that i'm impatient, not crazy about the fact that I'm untidy with my clothes and how about not visiting my family enough.

Now, just some examples I'm throwing out there, may or may not apply to you.

Loving yourself is not about being perfect. Accept yourself first, just the way you are. Positive self talk is imperative. It shouldn't be phony, but you are really ok, just the way you are. Stop being mean to yourself!

Are there things to work on, of course, we all have those things, that's separate from accepting yourself.

Astro

Oh how I can relate to that! It's a reminder to me though that I only have today to be the best person I'm capable of being, and to focus on tomorrow when it arrives. The days that I sink back into regret are taking away from the joyful life that I've been generously blessed with. I was created in the image of my Higher Power, so if I'm lifting Him up why shouldn't I lift myself up too?

SoberCAH

To improve my self-esteem, I had to improve who I was.

This isn't pop culture where all ideas, irrespective of whether they are inherently good or bad, are equal.

This is real life, where some actions, thought processes and decisions are right and some are quite wrong.

The former make me feel good about myself, while the former make me feel bad (or worse, as the case may be) about myself.

So, I try to learn and do God's will for me everyday.

If that sounds familiar, it's because it is the 2nd part of the 11th Step.

And it works very well for me.

pmm

working the steps and walking through 4-9 helped me to see that I am equal to all of my fellows. That God truly sees us all the same. My self-esteem is contingent upon letting God be the only judge in my life today.

Realest

This is what AA speaker Joe Hawk said “There’s one idea in the third step decision if it can go from your head to your heart then you can never suffer from low self-esteem ever again because there could be nothing you can ever do, or accomplish, or be given, or gain, or earn, or get, or you could ever have that would surpass the realization in your heart that we’re all children of God. So much for the low self-esteem problem. I am a child of God. I get to be an agent for God. I get to serve God. “ -Joe Hawk

sean0621

I think my entire life I had low self esteem and low self image. I always felt uncomforatable in my own skin. When I made the choice to become sober I said goodbye to many things, those things included, anybody who was a negative force in my life. That included the people that told me I couldn't do something when i said I was going to try to lose weight, or get a degree or run a maraothon... people that could only find problems to any solutions, and who didn't add value to my life. I said goodbye, to drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, bad food, bad relationships, and promised I would stop talking negatively to myself.

After 32 years of not feeling I had worth, or whatever I did was not enough, or wherever I went I was never going to be truly accepted, it was shocking to me that I was able to change my views of myself.

It takes time and putting in a lot of work and a willingness to be mindful of how I feel, rather than doing anything I can to ignore or put off feelings and thoughts.

I can't say that I am happy every single day, or that I do not have bad days. But I can say that I do like myself every day, and I am no longer doing everything I can do to confirm in my own mind that I am worthless. My worth comes from me, so that now when I sit down to draw a landscape, I do not look at someone else's work in comparison and tell myself why try because you are nowhere near as good as such and such. I just draw because I enjoy the feeling of drawing and do not care if it comes out right or not. I do not worry about finishing a 100K in the middle of the pack, or that I look awkward when I run, I simply enjoy all the conversations I have with my friends on the trails, all the nature I get to see and the gratitude of knowing I am healthy enough to run that far.

I stopped comparing myself and more started relating to other people and appreciating the people around me and what they are good at and it has helped me to encourage my friends and give them a push at times when thye needed it.

Working on self esteem has been the purpose of sobriety for me. It is also the foundation on which I currently stand with sobriety. It took a lot of making peace with the past, being mindful of my own thoughts and feelings, bringing compassion instead of judgement to when I noticed those thoughts and feelings, doing things to get outside of my comfort zone, meting new people that helped me to see my own self-worth, exercising, eating healthy, losing weight, finishing school, changing careers. ....It took a lot of time and effort, but I changed my whole life. I am not special, I was just done feeling that way about myself.

Guener

It has been a while since I have come back to this thread that I began in November, so I don't recall exactly what was going through my mind at the time. It is a good reminder to me of how I can get into my own head with my self-critic and just squash my positive self-image. Thank you, Sean for a very thorough and thoughtful expression of how self-esteem is both important and recoverable.

Pathwaytofree

HOW do you decide what those esteemable actions are?

And once you figure them out, HOW do you take those actions, if every cell of your being is fighting with you to not take action?

Pathwaytofree

How did you all stop the default negative messages to yourself that you're not even aware that you have, in order to make these sort of changes instead of being paralyzed or just continuing to do the same old, same old? I can't figure out how to get unstuck. I can't change the thoughts in my head because I don't even know when I'm having them.

Astro

I found that doing service work provided an outlet for the esteemable actions that NYCD speaks of, it was the affirmations that lifted me above the negative messages that were always in my head. A simple "thank you for your service" or a compliment on my meager cooking skills let me know that I was valued above the little amount that I valued myself.

Guener

For me to determine what those esteemable things are, I had to look back to my values. What is important to you to work toward, and what do you want your identity to be associated with now? Some things are very simple, and that is where I begin:

* Be there for my family when they need me (value = love)
* Be present and contributing all that I can at work (value = career)
* Be kind to others whenever and however I can (value = empathy)
* Be truthful in all my affairs (value = honesty)
* Be reliable for others (value = accountability)
* Don't drink (value = sobriety)

You can attach multiple values to each of these things, I do, but I wanted to lay it out in the barest possible terms to start. When I do things that support these value statements I feel better about me, and when I drift from them I feel discord. I am able with a small list to do something for each thing almost every day, and it becomes habitual. Keeping the list limited also helps to make it manageable when it is hard to find the energy to move myself forward. I can add more to the list at any time I'm ready (like volunteering = service).

Realest

I’m learning that doing uncomfortable things like service, therapy. And challenging my negative self talk. I find that while doing service I still feel unworthy because even though I’m taking positive actions the thoughts that I not good enough are still there. I must learn to accept myself exactly as I am exactly where I’m at. That may take a long time. I thought less of myself ever since I can remember. I used to hate reading how it works in meetings I was so messed up. This takes time. I took a long time to think this way. It’s gonna take a while to get out of it

Pathwaytofree

Good for you for doing uncomfortable things. How do you push yourself to do them?

How do you challenge your negative self talk?

I could use a lot of help with those two things. Right now I'm experiencing negative thoughts without even having the awareness of them. I just sort of feel sunk into them. I don't feel like I can separate myself from my negative thoughts right now and that's not good.

Your thoughts that you are not good enough--tell yourself they are LIES. They come from "ego", "lower self", "our disease" and they are there because they want us to drink. The TRUTH is that you ARE worthy and you ARE good enough. Truth comes from "your conception of God", the "higher self", "the healthy part that exists in us all" that wants us to LIVE.

I feel like a hypocrite giving out advice like that because I'm in a bad bout of depression right now. But when I was able to follow the above, it helped me tremendously. When I did my fear inventory I saw that "fear of not being good enough" occurred often and originated from a young age. I saw that that fear was not real, even though it felt real. The solution to any fear is to trust and rely on God. Or if you're still struggling with the God piece, then call it something else like "higher self", etc.

Hope that helps.

Realest

I push through them a little at a time. In the beginning I could barely do stuff, like speak at meetings, do service, socialize. I did it literally an hour or a day at time.

I challenge my negative self talk by doing esteemable acts, act my way into right living, exercise, and talk with others in recovery. Also I see a therapist.

This week I did service, therapy, socialized, etc. but that negative self talk is a part of me. I am trying to challenge it but it’s difficult. There’s no other way around it, I believe through the steps, and it’s goig to take time. Time takes time. When you have a belief system that has never been challenged it’s diffcult to rewire a strong belief system. It’s still difficult but I try. I definetly have a fear of not being good enough. I’m learning accept myself but it takes time.