I feel anxious.

Old 11-17-2018, 04:10 AM
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I feel anxious.

So been going no contact with my ex despite initial attempts to contact and meet up. He has moved to a town 10 miles away from me and said he would be attending AA meetings in my town. So I have a very anxious feeling at the moment.

Because I'm not in contact I don't know if he is near me, I could be walking dog or out for a walk and I could run into him or pass him. I know it sounds strange but my anxiety levels are majorly increased since I heard he's back.

I think it was easier when I knew he was in another country. Now knowing he's around, still struggling to stay NC and all my Codependency traits being triggered I'm struggling.
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Old 11-17-2018, 04:59 AM
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That sounds so difficult and rightfully anxiety producing. I can empathize with this experience and wish I had an answer to make it easier for both you and me!

The NC itself is challenging. I’ve had to delete and block everything. I get obsessive/intrusive thoughts which are wicked hard to stop. Instead of quitting alcohol I’m quitting a person.
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Old 11-17-2018, 05:06 AM
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Originally Posted by Kore View Post
That sounds so difficult and rightfully anxiety producing. I can empathize with this experience and wish I had an answer to make it easier for both you and me!

The NC itself is challenging. I’ve had to delete and block everything. I get obsessive/intrusive thoughts which are wicked hard to stop. Instead of quitting alcohol I’m quitting a person.
That's exactly it, I'm getting the obsessive intrusive thoughts again, like my mind is being taken over. Reminds me the early days with him. Even my sleep patterns are all over the place this week. I've been keeping up my routine but my mind is elsewhere. 🙄
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Old 11-17-2018, 05:12 AM
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Makes sense Glen - this is when your recovery is really tested, in real life situations. This is when all the theory & practice translate to action.

So, play that tape forward.... what happens if you DO literally just run into him on the street? What do you think might happen? What is your boundary? Remember - we set boundaries AHEAD of situations so that we already know what our plan is when our brains melt into codie-mush & panic overrides our senses because adrenalin has spiked & the fight-flight-freeze trigger has been flipped.

Do you simply walk away? Nod politely? Are you capable of engaging in conversation or do you already know that you need to walk away as quickly/quietly as possible? etc.....
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Old 11-17-2018, 05:12 AM
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Originally Posted by Glenjo99 View Post
That's exactly it, I'm getting the obsessive intrusive thoughts again, like my mind is being taken over. Reminds me the early days with him. Even my sleep patterns are all over the place this week. I've been keeping up my routine but my mind is elsewhere. 🙄
What’s wrong with us?!? lol

The rational part of me is completely bewildered by my inability to control my thoughts. I’m sticking to my routine too but right now I’m trying to find something to redirect my thoughts that will really keep me busy and absorbed.

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Old 11-17-2018, 05:26 AM
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Originally Posted by Kore View Post


What’s wrong with us?!? lol

The rational part of me is completely bewildered by my inability to control my thoughts. I’m sticking to my routine too but right now I’m trying to find something to redirect my thoughts that will really keep me busy and absorbed.

I know it's crazy. Just been reading some codependent no more by melody beattie again, chapter on detachment. It's helped a little, she said obsessing, compulsions and worry are all illusions to make us feel were doing something. It's a high state of anxiety. Need a new focus also
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Old 11-17-2018, 05:28 AM
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Originally Posted by FireSprite View Post
Makes sense Glen - this is when your recovery is really tested, in real life situations. This is when all the theory & practice translate to action.

So, play that tape forward.... what happens if you DO literally just run into him on the street? What do you think might happen? What is your boundary? Remember - we set boundaries AHEAD of situations so that we already know what our plan is when our brains melt into codie-mush & panic overrides our senses because adrenalin has spiked & the fight-flight-freeze trigger has been flipped.

Do you simply walk away? Nod politely? Are you capable of engaging in conversation or do you already know that you need to walk away as quickly/quietly as possible? etc.....
Yes it's the thought of the unknown that's making me anxious. I think I would walk away but I'm not sure, if he engaged in conversation I may talk briefly but get out without giving him any information.
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Old 11-17-2018, 05:35 AM
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Originally Posted by Glenjo99 View Post
I know it's crazy. Just been reading some codependent no more by melody beattie again, chapter on detachment. It's helped a little, she said obsessing, compulsions and worry are all illusions to make us feel were doing something. It's a high state of anxiety. Need a new focus also
I’m going to go read that book - I have the audible and have stopped/started it several times. On that note, It’s time for me to get on with my day!
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Old 11-17-2018, 05:46 AM
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Hey Glenjo,

So, I think I get that. Although obviously not a romantic relationship, I wonder how I would react if I see my stepson again.

I look at it this way. I get to decide how I will react. I am in control of how I handle the situation and what happens on my end. I can't control where he is or what he does.

So, instead of thinking of it as though I am being buffeted by circumstances, I think of what I can do--what concrete actions could I take? Why should I give over that power to someone else--because if I let it upset me, that is what I would be doing--handing over my control to another person.
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Old 11-17-2018, 05:50 AM
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Originally Posted by Seren View Post
Hey Glenjo,

So, I think I get that. Although obviously not a romantic relationship, I wonder how I would react if I see my stepson again.

I look at it this way. I get to decide how I will react. I am in control of how I handle the situation and what happens on my end. I can't control where he is or what he does.

So, instead of thinking of it as though I am being buffeted by circumstances, I think of what I can do--what concrete actions could I take? Why should I give over that power to someone else--because if I let it upset me, that is what I would be doing--handing over my control to another person.
Ok that makes sense, it is actually giving my power and control away to someone else. Good to hear it back like this as it can get overwhelming to where I'm not sure what I'm feeling.
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Old 11-17-2018, 06:01 AM
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I have to set up specific boundaries, too.

1. Don't touch them.
2. Listen for two minutes, then, "Gotta go." I would not give any personal info about what I'm doing these days and I certainly would not go into any of our past. I wouldn't offer up any suggestions on how they could help their situation.
3. I wouldn't say, "Nice to see you." I would try not to smile at them or act friendly. I wouldn't ask any questions. I would say, "I have nothing to say." Then walk away.

There are ways to shut down conversation. Women have Resting B Face. Maybe look that up.
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Old 11-17-2018, 09:06 AM
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Originally Posted by Glenjo99 View Post
Yes it's the thought of the unknown that's making me anxious. I think I would walk away but I'm not sure, if he engaged in conversation I may talk briefly but get out without giving him any information.
Well that's normal. You say "it's the thought of the unknown". Then make it "known". As several have suggested here, that's completely up to you.

Now, in every situation you play in your mind there is another person there so I am sure there are some what-ifs. What if I politely say, how are you, how are the AA meetings going? He says they are great do you want to go out to lunch, I miss you so much.

There is no scenario here you can't control. He says he misses you, you say, "I'm glad things are going well for you, take care" or "sorry things aren't going so well, hang in there". In fact you can use those lines for pretty much anything he says. Then walk away. If he persists, say "take care" again.

It doesn't have to be a full engagement in conversation, in fact it doesn't even have to make sense. He says, how have you been and you answer as above, not a "normal" conversation but who cares.

As for him possibly "being around" I understand that, I felt that way after the Narc moved away and he definitely wasn't in the same place. I found with time that went away. Remember that is your city, your place, you live there, take your power on that, he can't hurt you.

For months now your focus has been you, how about going back to that? Get back to your routines, your podcasts your reading.
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Old 11-17-2018, 10:52 AM
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
Well that's normal. You say "it's the thought of the unknown". Then make it "known". As several have suggested here, that's completely up to you.

Now, in every situation you play in your mind there is another person there so I am sure there are some what-ifs. What if I politely say, how are you, how are the AA meetings going? He says they are great do you want to go out to lunch, I miss you so much.

There is no scenario here you can't control. He says he misses you, you say, "I'm glad things are going well for you, take care" or "sorry things aren't going so well, hang in there". In fact you can use those lines for pretty much anything he says. Then walk away. If he persists, say "take care" again.

It doesn't have to be a full engagement in conversation, in fact it doesn't even have to make sense. He says, how have you been and you answer as above, not a "normal" conversation but who cares.

As for him possibly "being around" I understand that, I felt that way after the Narc moved away and he definitely wasn't in the same place. I found with time that went away. Remember that is your city, your place, you live there, take your power on that, he can't hurt you.

For months now your focus has been you, how about going back to that? Get back to your routines, your podcasts your reading.

Thanks really appreciate the suggestions. Live in a small town and a friend rang me tonight. Her husband is in AA and he told her that my ex was at a meeting this morning, literally 10 mins from where I live. (I realise he shouldn't have said anything but you know what small towns are like). I'll be honest it was good to hear he's attending meetings. Then I got all anxious again at the thoughts of him being around and not contacting me. I know I know call me crazy but I'm not in here to lie. I need to be able to say how I'm feeling. I went off for a walk to help with anxiety and cried whole way around, luckily it was dark out. I feel like it's happening all over again, as much as I know in my head NC is way to go for myself, I feel like I'm loosing him all over again. Does this make any sense at all, or am I just nuts.
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Old 11-17-2018, 11:28 AM
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I do understand how you feel as if you are losing him all over again. It’s like pouring salt on a wound that is not completely healed, yes, it stings and burns. We also know rinsing it with water will stop the stinging. So rinse yourself off, breathe, and start fresh.

There are unresolved feelings, and they they do not evaporate into thin air. I view the brief contact as an affirmation that no contact does indeed work, out of sight out, of mind. ( ok maybe not 100% out of mind, but it’s a start)

I remember I would not even go to the grocery store unless I knew for certain the ex was at work, and I can assure you that is a real crappy way to live. I agree with the others, empower you, you and only you are in charge, Even if you did run into him. It doesn’t mean you are obligated to stop and talk.

He can’t hurt you, that ship has sailed, it’s our own thoughts, feelings, memories, that sneak up on us. Practicing mindful awareness, each and everyday was a huge help for me.

Hugs to you.
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Old 11-17-2018, 11:36 AM
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Originally Posted by marie1960 View Post
I do understand how you feel as if you are losing him all over again. It’s like pouring salt on a wound that is not completely healed, yes, it stings and burns. We also know rinsing it with water will stop the stinging. So rinse yourself off, breathe, and start fresh.

There are unresolved feelings, and they they do not evaporate into thin air. I view view the brief contact as an affirmation that no contact does indeed work, out of sight out of mind.

I remember I would not even go to the grocery store unless I knew for certain the ex was at work, and I can assure you that is a real crappy way to live. I agree with the others, empower you, you and only you are in charge, Even if you did run into him. It doesn’t mean you are obligated to stop and talk.

He can’t hurt you, that ship has sailed, it’s our own thoughts, feelings, memories, that sneak up on us. Practicing mindful awareness, each and everyday was a huge help for me.

Hugs to you.
Thank you. It is my own thoughts and feelings that are sneaking up on me again. Your right that wound was/is nowhere near healed.

All these random thoughts are in my mind, what if he settles here for good and has new partners and I see them around all the time. Catastrophising again.
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Old 11-17-2018, 11:51 AM
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Originally Posted by Glenjo99 View Post
Thank you. It is my own thoughts and feelings that are sneaking up on me again. Your right that wound was/is nowhere near healed.

All these random thoughts are in my mind, what if he settles here for good and has new partners and I see them around all the time. Catastrophising again.
Your thoughts also had you running in to him in the airport in the future with his wife and children at his side. Doesn't that seem unlikely now?

You also had him in rehab, having a cosy relationship by the fire with someone. Yeah - not the truth.

And just as these were not the truth, what you are thinking of now is not the truth or a fact.

To me your reactions seem entirely normal.

I'm glad you are laying it out there Glenjo.

You have never really left this relationship and I think you know that so it's probably no surprise. That is not to say that all the work you have done is for nothing, absolutely not saying that, it has put you in a much, much better place I think, to protect yourself.

Bottom line is, you can't actually run away from this or from your feelings. No pod-cast, no book, no journaling will erase this.

Wanting a relationship with another person is OK! Wanting to have someone special and close to you is OK. He's not it, he cannot give you what you need, is frankly in no position to. He is a not-really-in-recovery addict, as you are well aware.

You need to try something new. Hiding your hurt isn't going to work. Maybe it's time to get back out there in the world.
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Old 11-17-2018, 12:06 PM
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
Your thoughts also had you running in to him in the airport in the future with his wife and children at his side. Doesn't that seem unlikely now?

You also had him in rehab, having a cosy relationship by the fire with someone. Yeah - not the truth.

And just as these were not the truth, what you are thinking of now is not the truth or a fact.

To me your reactions seem entirely normal.

I'm glad you are laying it out there Glenjo.

You have never really left this relationship and I think you know that so it's probably no surprise. That is not to say that all the work you have done is for nothing, absolutely not saying that, it has put you in a much, much better place I think, to protect yourself.

Bottom line is, you can't actually run away from this or from your feelings. No pod-cast, no book, no journaling will erase this.

Wanting a relationship with another person is OK! Wanting to have someone special and close to you is OK. He's not it, he cannot give you what you need, is frankly in no position to. He is a not-really-in-recovery addict, as you are well aware.

You need to try something new. Hiding your hurt isn't going to work. Maybe it's time to get back out there in the world.
Yes everything you said is true. I'm not going to hide my hurt. I know he can't give me what I need. Silly question to which I probably know the answer, but is it possible to be friends only with someone you love. Or should I move on completely (if I can).
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