Feeling sorry for myself
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
Feeling sorry for myself
Sometimes the feeling-sorry-for-myself is strong, so I’m going to write it out and hope that that helps me push it away (warning - this is REALLY long):
Why I feel sorry for myself:
1. I am raising a teenager on my own. I have friends locally, but no one else in my situation, so no one to really commiserate or bond with - everyone else I know here either has no kids, has kids with a partner, or has kids with an ex-partner who is able to co-parent. My kid is a good kid, but it is not easy navigating the waters of a teenager.
2. I work full-time-plus in a demanding profession and have to be ruthlessly efficient with time in order to get my work done and also be a semi-decent parent. (I am fortunate that my work is pretty flexible, I am quite senior, I have a good boss, my job is secure, and I actually enjoy what I do). This is hurting (though not destroying) the long-distance relationship I’ve been in for a few years, because I can’t go away for long vacations, I don’t do sleepovers, and I’m often available on weekends for only an hour or so at a time. My partner is patient and understands my constraints, and knows that Kid is my priority, but I know it’s hard on him.
3. I have spent over $10K in legal fees to acquire and defend a court order which severely limits ex’s access to Kid, following a series of incidents involving DUIs, suicide attempts, and other police calls. Ex keeps launching useless court applications, I keep countering them, judgments keep going my way. At the moment, I have an order which staves things off for eight months. By some measures, I have been “successful”.
But I have spent a whole lot of money and the end is not in sight because ex is not capable of understanding that the court order exists not because I am malicious and vindictive but because he is demonstrably dangerous as a result of his addiction and mental health problems. The order contains a path to getting more access to Kid if he is compliant with SoberLink monitoring and manages to not get arrested or get other first responders involved. These are pretty minimal expectations - indeed, many adults live their whole lives without getting arrested, failing breathalyzers, and calling the police for random reasons. But that is not the path he is choosing to take.
I am fortunate because I make a decent income and I have a defined-benefit pension plan, so I won’t be eating cat food when I retire. But I have to watch every penny - don’t take vacations, don’t eat out, everything that can be bought secondhand is bought secondhand. I took up long-distance running this summer because it was cheaper than a gym membership.
Ex can afford to pay his lawyers to harass me but he can’t see his way to paying child support. His arrears is currently over $30K. His salary is being garnished, after a lot of effort on my part, but slowly. Ex also managed to blow through over $100K in consumer debt, fortunately not with my name on it (that honour went to ex-wife #2).
4. No matter what I do, I will never be able to give Kid the parenting she deserves. She is going to grow up with an unstable drunk father, and there’s nothing I can do about that. The odds are good that her father won’t survive the time until she becomes an adult - his medical manifestations are getting worse (heart attacks, seizures, injuries from falls, tremors, etc).
However, Kid has a fighting chance of breaking the cycle of addiction, craziness and dysfunction that is her inheritance from her father. She will be the first in four generations to grow up in a home where no one was abusing substances.
5. The person I married and thought I would spend my life with is gone. In his place is someone whose behaviour has cost him his career, two marriages, his health, his friends, his savings, his sanity, and probably his relationship with his daughter. He has had his driver’s licence, registration and passport revoked, he’s living with a meth addict half his age who he met in rehab and he looks increasingly like a rodeo clown with very odd choices in clothes, makeup and personal grooming. He is more and more visibly mentally ill.
We have been divorced for years, but he still fixates on me and tells anyone who will listen (which is now almost no one) that I am bent on ruining his life. I envy other divorced friends whose difficult exes finally moved the f%!$3 on. I will be stuck dealing with this crazy person until one of us dies, and it probably won’t be me.
This is so sad, and such a waste of the person he once was.
6. I have a permanently heightened physiological fight-or-flight response, thanks to decades of living with an alcoholic. I’m hypervigilant and have lightning reflexes, although my composure is overly controlled and calm. My brain is wired for threat. I have noticed that if I’m in a coffee shop or public place, I am never comfortable unless I can see the door and have a clear path to it. Normal people are not like this. I have been resisting a diagnosis of C-PTSD, which has been suggested by professionals.
^^^Notwithstanding all of the above, I know I am very fortunate compared to some people. I’m ridiculously healthy. I have not a lot of money but enough. My kid is doing okay and I think I am a good role model for her. I have discovered my creativity, spirituality and athleticism. I have consciously built a healthy life that is not defined by addiction. I have healthy people around me. I’ve sought professional help when I needed it. I am working on myself daily. “Nevertheless, she persisted”.
Why I feel sorry for myself:
1. I am raising a teenager on my own. I have friends locally, but no one else in my situation, so no one to really commiserate or bond with - everyone else I know here either has no kids, has kids with a partner, or has kids with an ex-partner who is able to co-parent. My kid is a good kid, but it is not easy navigating the waters of a teenager.
2. I work full-time-plus in a demanding profession and have to be ruthlessly efficient with time in order to get my work done and also be a semi-decent parent. (I am fortunate that my work is pretty flexible, I am quite senior, I have a good boss, my job is secure, and I actually enjoy what I do). This is hurting (though not destroying) the long-distance relationship I’ve been in for a few years, because I can’t go away for long vacations, I don’t do sleepovers, and I’m often available on weekends for only an hour or so at a time. My partner is patient and understands my constraints, and knows that Kid is my priority, but I know it’s hard on him.
3. I have spent over $10K in legal fees to acquire and defend a court order which severely limits ex’s access to Kid, following a series of incidents involving DUIs, suicide attempts, and other police calls. Ex keeps launching useless court applications, I keep countering them, judgments keep going my way. At the moment, I have an order which staves things off for eight months. By some measures, I have been “successful”.
But I have spent a whole lot of money and the end is not in sight because ex is not capable of understanding that the court order exists not because I am malicious and vindictive but because he is demonstrably dangerous as a result of his addiction and mental health problems. The order contains a path to getting more access to Kid if he is compliant with SoberLink monitoring and manages to not get arrested or get other first responders involved. These are pretty minimal expectations - indeed, many adults live their whole lives without getting arrested, failing breathalyzers, and calling the police for random reasons. But that is not the path he is choosing to take.
I am fortunate because I make a decent income and I have a defined-benefit pension plan, so I won’t be eating cat food when I retire. But I have to watch every penny - don’t take vacations, don’t eat out, everything that can be bought secondhand is bought secondhand. I took up long-distance running this summer because it was cheaper than a gym membership.
Ex can afford to pay his lawyers to harass me but he can’t see his way to paying child support. His arrears is currently over $30K. His salary is being garnished, after a lot of effort on my part, but slowly. Ex also managed to blow through over $100K in consumer debt, fortunately not with my name on it (that honour went to ex-wife #2).
4. No matter what I do, I will never be able to give Kid the parenting she deserves. She is going to grow up with an unstable drunk father, and there’s nothing I can do about that. The odds are good that her father won’t survive the time until she becomes an adult - his medical manifestations are getting worse (heart attacks, seizures, injuries from falls, tremors, etc).
However, Kid has a fighting chance of breaking the cycle of addiction, craziness and dysfunction that is her inheritance from her father. She will be the first in four generations to grow up in a home where no one was abusing substances.
5. The person I married and thought I would spend my life with is gone. In his place is someone whose behaviour has cost him his career, two marriages, his health, his friends, his savings, his sanity, and probably his relationship with his daughter. He has had his driver’s licence, registration and passport revoked, he’s living with a meth addict half his age who he met in rehab and he looks increasingly like a rodeo clown with very odd choices in clothes, makeup and personal grooming. He is more and more visibly mentally ill.
We have been divorced for years, but he still fixates on me and tells anyone who will listen (which is now almost no one) that I am bent on ruining his life. I envy other divorced friends whose difficult exes finally moved the f%!$3 on. I will be stuck dealing with this crazy person until one of us dies, and it probably won’t be me.
This is so sad, and such a waste of the person he once was.
6. I have a permanently heightened physiological fight-or-flight response, thanks to decades of living with an alcoholic. I’m hypervigilant and have lightning reflexes, although my composure is overly controlled and calm. My brain is wired for threat. I have noticed that if I’m in a coffee shop or public place, I am never comfortable unless I can see the door and have a clear path to it. Normal people are not like this. I have been resisting a diagnosis of C-PTSD, which has been suggested by professionals.
^^^Notwithstanding all of the above, I know I am very fortunate compared to some people. I’m ridiculously healthy. I have not a lot of money but enough. My kid is doing okay and I think I am a good role model for her. I have discovered my creativity, spirituality and athleticism. I have consciously built a healthy life that is not defined by addiction. I have healthy people around me. I’ve sought professional help when I needed it. I am working on myself daily. “Nevertheless, she persisted”.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Ebb and flow. Hugs, Sasha. 
"Together, we can make it."
I've been carried forward by the strength of others. We're not alone. One day at a time.
How's your support network look lately? You're doing a lot of great things for yourself.
"Together, we can make it."
I've been carried forward by the strength of others. We're not alone. One day at a time.
How's your support network look lately? You're doing a lot of great things for yourself.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
A couple things...
1) Seek out and befriend a mom (single or not) with whom you can
commiserate on the challenges of raising a daughter in her teens.
2) You can and are giving kid the parenting she deserves from YOU and
really, can you find a way to give yourself a pat on the back for your efforts?
Good job Sasha!
3) You are human and therefore need down time so maybe, though difficult,
you could fnd a way to eek out some time alone to attend your needs so
you can recharge & carry on. Something to look forward to is very valuable.
4) Have you read "The Body Keeps Score" by Van der Kolk? I've just
started it, but it speaks to the whole PTSD issue. I recommend it.
Your daughter's job right now, that she is psychologically wired to do
is to separate and form her individuality. That you can remain steady
and solid for her will give her the one person she needs to do that. Talk
to a counselor if you need to ( maybe you are) but from everything I've
read, if kids have one loving, stable parent they can thrive.
You have grit Sasha.
: firmness of mind or spirit : unyielding courage in the face of hardship or danger
Go Sasha
1) Seek out and befriend a mom (single or not) with whom you can
commiserate on the challenges of raising a daughter in her teens.
2) You can and are giving kid the parenting she deserves from YOU and
really, can you find a way to give yourself a pat on the back for your efforts?
Good job Sasha!
3) You are human and therefore need down time so maybe, though difficult,
you could fnd a way to eek out some time alone to attend your needs so
you can recharge & carry on. Something to look forward to is very valuable.
4) Have you read "The Body Keeps Score" by Van der Kolk? I've just
started it, but it speaks to the whole PTSD issue. I recommend it.
Your daughter's job right now, that she is psychologically wired to do
is to separate and form her individuality. That you can remain steady
and solid for her will give her the one person she needs to do that. Talk
to a counselor if you need to ( maybe you are) but from everything I've
read, if kids have one loving, stable parent they can thrive.
You have grit Sasha.
: firmness of mind or spirit : unyielding courage in the face of hardship or danger
Go Sasha
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Sasha.....while reading your thread.....Laura Ingalls Wilder....the author of the Little House on The Pararie books.....(my favorite books from my young teen years)…..
Her life was a series of great challenges and remarkable resilience.....
I think you would be inspired by her biography. Many have been written, but, I suggest this one---"Laura Ingalls Wilder: A writer's life"....by Pamela Smith Hill...
***She also had a unique relationship with her one daughter....I think you would relate....
I imagine that your daughter has already read many of her books...but,, if not...they are a must for young girls of your daughter's age...
Her life was a series of great challenges and remarkable resilience.....
I think you would be inspired by her biography. Many have been written, but, I suggest this one---"Laura Ingalls Wilder: A writer's life"....by Pamela Smith Hill...
***She also had a unique relationship with her one daughter....I think you would relate....
I imagine that your daughter has already read many of her books...but,, if not...they are a must for young girls of your daughter's age...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,629
You can stop all this now by cashing in your pension and the two of you move to bermuda and change your names!
That's honestly what came to mind.
But! Since that's not probably what you can do, there is some future-tripping going on here. Really your only tie to him is your Daughter and the money he owes you.
Eventually she will turn 18 and at that point you can be done with him (unless he has other financial obligations to her) for there will be no visitation, no sitting for hours in coffee shops or parks, that will all be history (thankfully). Now I know that is a few years away but just keep in mind that it will pass, hopefully that's reassuring.
Is having an alcoholic for a Father ideal, speaking from experience, no, however you have given her, the best shot by removing him from your lives as much as you can. Remember that her Father, however he is, is her normal. I don't remember looking around and going, I wish that man was my Father (instead of my own) for all their faults, they are still our Fathers and we don't really want a trade-in.
So she will be ok, for sure, because she has you and you take such good care of her.
It's a shame about your long-distance relationship, they are tough even when there isn't all this other stuff going on.
How do you deal with all this pressure?
That's honestly what came to mind.
But! Since that's not probably what you can do, there is some future-tripping going on here. Really your only tie to him is your Daughter and the money he owes you.
Eventually she will turn 18 and at that point you can be done with him (unless he has other financial obligations to her) for there will be no visitation, no sitting for hours in coffee shops or parks, that will all be history (thankfully). Now I know that is a few years away but just keep in mind that it will pass, hopefully that's reassuring.
Is having an alcoholic for a Father ideal, speaking from experience, no, however you have given her, the best shot by removing him from your lives as much as you can. Remember that her Father, however he is, is her normal. I don't remember looking around and going, I wish that man was my Father (instead of my own) for all their faults, they are still our Fathers and we don't really want a trade-in.
So she will be ok, for sure, because she has you and you take such good care of her.
It's a shame about your long-distance relationship, they are tough even when there isn't all this other stuff going on.
How do you deal with all this pressure?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
Originally Posted by mylifeismine 
Your daughter's job right now, that she is psychologically wired to do
is to separate and form her individuality. That you can remain steady
and solid for her will give her the one person she needs to do that.
Go Sasha
is to separate and form her individuality. That you can remain steady
and solid for her will give her the one person she needs to do that.
Go Sasha
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
I don't have the life scope to comment on all that you wrote, but I do want to mention one part.
Please know that this is a work in progress for me so I don't have it all figured out and as a result it can be messy.
For me, feeling it has been what has lead to acknowledgement, acceptance and action in my life. Not feeling it kept me stuck.
Not acknowledging how hard things were, not allowing myself the space for all of my feelings just added to my feeling bad. The feelings were hard enough.
When I gave myself space to feel them I felt less shame and it helped me to acknowledge and get real about my life, accept where things were and were not working and to take action both positive and negative. Feeling my feelings for me is now emotional self-care. I don't believe anymore in "negative," feelings. For example for me anger is usually clarifying, and frankly for me being angry has never been a bad thing.....but man stuffing down my feelings and being "nice," was.
I heard something the other day. On a podcast I heard a woman talking about in her grief how she realized that she had always considered "Suffering was because she was being punished for something." Hearing that hit me hard, that has been a core belief for me and I suspect my FOO. I think that is how I saw myself in the world. If I felt bad I must be bad. I don't believe that anymore. I believe my struggle is part of being human, and what I need to learn how to be vulnerable.
This is hard stuff, this being human. I am so grateful for the lessons is has brought to me but gosh the learning was painful.
Please be good to you. It sounds like you are physically, mentally etc good to you and your daughter. It is okay to give yourself that gift emotionally too.
Please know that this is a work in progress for me so I don't have it all figured out and as a result it can be messy.
For me, feeling it has been what has lead to acknowledgement, acceptance and action in my life. Not feeling it kept me stuck.
Not acknowledging how hard things were, not allowing myself the space for all of my feelings just added to my feeling bad. The feelings were hard enough.
When I gave myself space to feel them I felt less shame and it helped me to acknowledge and get real about my life, accept where things were and were not working and to take action both positive and negative. Feeling my feelings for me is now emotional self-care. I don't believe anymore in "negative," feelings. For example for me anger is usually clarifying, and frankly for me being angry has never been a bad thing.....but man stuffing down my feelings and being "nice," was.
I heard something the other day. On a podcast I heard a woman talking about in her grief how she realized that she had always considered "Suffering was because she was being punished for something." Hearing that hit me hard, that has been a core belief for me and I suspect my FOO. I think that is how I saw myself in the world. If I felt bad I must be bad. I don't believe that anymore. I believe my struggle is part of being human, and what I need to learn how to be vulnerable.
This is hard stuff, this being human. I am so grateful for the lessons is has brought to me but gosh the learning was painful.
Please be good to you. It sounds like you are physically, mentally etc good to you and your daughter. It is okay to give yourself that gift emotionally too.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,169
Sasha:
Self pity is not abnormal unless carried to an extreme. In reading your post, I also read a few things that warrant a good measure of gratitude, so I know right away that your life is not a complete wreck.
I haven't felt much self pity for a long time, but I do remember that I could sometimes get stuck in it. Here is something that helped me a lot. Maybe it will work for you. No guarantee that it will, but at the moment, it's all I can offer.
When self pity starts to become overwhelming, I don't run from it. I give my self total permission to wallow in it without guilt for 30 minutes (sometimes it doesn't take that long), and it goes away. I can't explain why for sure. I think maybe it has something to do with not trying to run from it. Like rather than try to deny it, I can just embrace it, and get it out of my system.
I can tell these are real issues for you, but you have a lot of tools, like income, self sufficiency, responsibility, and insight that a lot of people don't have. And in spite of the self pity, it sounds like you are doing a great job at dealing with life. I wish you luck. And when you're in the mood to talk about your strengths and the things you're good at, I'll be all ears.
Self pity is not abnormal unless carried to an extreme. In reading your post, I also read a few things that warrant a good measure of gratitude, so I know right away that your life is not a complete wreck.
I haven't felt much self pity for a long time, but I do remember that I could sometimes get stuck in it. Here is something that helped me a lot. Maybe it will work for you. No guarantee that it will, but at the moment, it's all I can offer.
When self pity starts to become overwhelming, I don't run from it. I give my self total permission to wallow in it without guilt for 30 minutes (sometimes it doesn't take that long), and it goes away. I can't explain why for sure. I think maybe it has something to do with not trying to run from it. Like rather than try to deny it, I can just embrace it, and get it out of my system.
I can tell these are real issues for you, but you have a lot of tools, like income, self sufficiency, responsibility, and insight that a lot of people don't have. And in spite of the self pity, it sounds like you are doing a great job at dealing with life. I wish you luck. And when you're in the mood to talk about your strengths and the things you're good at, I'll be all ears.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Sasha...I do agree with DriGuy. I confess that I have always disliked the term that used to be popular in the vernacular..."pity party".....it always just felt "wrong", to me....
I have always thought that it was kind to feel sorry for one's self---after all, we do feel sorry for other people when they are in certain situations...so, why would we den y that to ourselves, while giving it to others...?
(I am not talking about a constant victim mentality...I think that is something else....)…..
I have always thought that it was kind to feel sorry for one's self---after all, we do feel sorry for other people when they are in certain situations...so, why would we den y that to ourselves, while giving it to others...?
(I am not talking about a constant victim mentality...I think that is something else....)…..
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,658
Sash- a little self indulgent pity is ok. You posted here and I always find writing the words helps deal with the crap in my head. I have learned a little from your post. I was the alcie who destroyed my fam, but have kept a respectable distance from my ex, and have agreed to her terms-, but always good to read from people.
As to the PTSD- I do exactly the same thing in public places- I need to be able to see the exit. Some days it feels as if there is a person waiting just out of my line of sight - who is there to cause me harm. Some days it is so real- I know it.
Stupid head.
Prayers and support to you.
As to the PTSD- I do exactly the same thing in public places- I need to be able to see the exit. Some days it feels as if there is a person waiting just out of my line of sight - who is there to cause me harm. Some days it is so real- I know it.
Stupid head.
Prayers and support to you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 2,909
I am not good at multi-tasking. I have trouble focusing on negative thoughts and positive thoughts at the same Recognizing this about myself, when I find myself straying into negative thought processes, I gently turn my focus to positive thoughts because I want to make maximum use of my time on this planet.
Reasons to feel good about yourself:
1. I am raising a teenager on my own.
2. I work full-time
3. I have acquired and defended a court order which severely limits ex’s access to Kid, following a series of incidents involving DUIs, suicide attempts, and other police calls.
4. I make a decent income and I have a defined-benefit pension plan
5. Kid has a fighting chance of breaking the cycle of addiction, craziness and dysfunction that is her inheritance from her father.
6. I’m ridiculously healthy. I have not a lot of money but enough. My kid is doing okay and I think I am a good role model for her. I have discovered my creativity, spirituality and athleticism. I have consciously built a healthy life that is not defined by addiction. I have healthy people around me. I’ve sought professional help when I needed it. I am working on myself daily.
Reasons to feel good about yourself:
1. I am raising a teenager on my own.
2. I work full-time
3. I have acquired and defended a court order which severely limits ex’s access to Kid, following a series of incidents involving DUIs, suicide attempts, and other police calls.
4. I make a decent income and I have a defined-benefit pension plan
5. Kid has a fighting chance of breaking the cycle of addiction, craziness and dysfunction that is her inheritance from her father.
6. I’m ridiculously healthy. I have not a lot of money but enough. My kid is doing okay and I think I am a good role model for her. I have discovered my creativity, spirituality and athleticism. I have consciously built a healthy life that is not defined by addiction. I have healthy people around me. I’ve sought professional help when I needed it. I am working on myself daily.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Oh, Sasha...I know this feels like it will go on forever. But it won't...just to reinforce what others have already said.
Your precious, bright daughter will turn 18 in a few years.
The ridiculous law suits will end.
The constant arranging of schedules to accommodate the alcoholic will end.
You are doing a good job getting her the help she needs to navigate these unfortunate waters.
She and you both will ultimately thrive!
I wish I had some words of wisdom as far as the finances are concerned, but I've yet to be able to make money grow on trees
Your precious, bright daughter will turn 18 in a few years.
The ridiculous law suits will end.
The constant arranging of schedules to accommodate the alcoholic will end.
You are doing a good job getting her the help she needs to navigate these unfortunate waters.
She and you both will ultimately thrive!
I wish I had some words of wisdom as far as the finances are concerned, but I've yet to be able to make money grow on trees
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Sasha,
I can only say that my life aligns with yours in many, many ways. I feel for you and get it.
He will run out of money eventually to keep taking you to court. This will not be forever.
Sending you huge hugs my friend!
I can only say that my life aligns with yours in many, many ways. I feel for you and get it.
He will run out of money eventually to keep taking you to court. This will not be forever.
Sending you huge hugs my friend!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
Hi everyone,
Many many thanks to everyone who took the time to respond!
I found that just writing that stuff out was therapeutic in itself, for a couple of reasons: first because when I see it in black and white, it doesn’t look as daunting (yes, this is a lot to deal with but it is not as massive and overwhelming as it feels - feeling are’t facts); second; because writing it down kind of prodded me to consider the things that balance the bad stuff - like the possibility for Kid to grow up without addiction, the career which gives me flexibility and lets me pay my mortgage, my own good health, etc. It’s like the inventory-taking that is so popular in 12-Step programs.
I am reminded that the real measure of character is not what you have (some of which you’ve got no control over, it just gets handed to you) but what you do with what you have - so I have to focus on what I am doing with what I have.
I also appreciated the reminders that time passes, though not as fast as we would like. I will be free of ex in a little over four years, when Kid ages out and reaches the point where she can make her own decisions about what kind of relationship to have with her father, and I will no longer need to run interference. He has got to run out of money at some point, given that his income (long-term disability) is diminishing while mine is increasing.
For me, self-pity is a trap that comes along with envy. I think that everyone else has their act together and I am somehow uniquely screwed up or deviant. Making myself look for gratitudes or things that are going well for me is a good antidote.
Thanks again for reading, everyone. There’s a lot here that I want to respond to, but first I wanted to send out a general THANK-YOU.
Many many thanks to everyone who took the time to respond!
I found that just writing that stuff out was therapeutic in itself, for a couple of reasons: first because when I see it in black and white, it doesn’t look as daunting (yes, this is a lot to deal with but it is not as massive and overwhelming as it feels - feeling are’t facts); second; because writing it down kind of prodded me to consider the things that balance the bad stuff - like the possibility for Kid to grow up without addiction, the career which gives me flexibility and lets me pay my mortgage, my own good health, etc. It’s like the inventory-taking that is so popular in 12-Step programs.
I am reminded that the real measure of character is not what you have (some of which you’ve got no control over, it just gets handed to you) but what you do with what you have - so I have to focus on what I am doing with what I have.
I also appreciated the reminders that time passes, though not as fast as we would like. I will be free of ex in a little over four years, when Kid ages out and reaches the point where she can make her own decisions about what kind of relationship to have with her father, and I will no longer need to run interference. He has got to run out of money at some point, given that his income (long-term disability) is diminishing while mine is increasing.
For me, self-pity is a trap that comes along with envy. I think that everyone else has their act together and I am somehow uniquely screwed up or deviant. Making myself look for gratitudes or things that are going well for me is a good antidote.
Thanks again for reading, everyone. There’s a lot here that I want to respond to, but first I wanted to send out a general THANK-YOU.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 349
Sasha,
For me, this sentiment is so timely. I’m raising a teenager as well, and while there is minimal support from my ex (in the form of keeping him when I travel for work), there is no extended family to offer any other support or assistance. FOO issues and all, amplified by the holiday season.
I’ve felt for a few years that I was (am) in a holding pattern. I’d like to move out of this extremely small community where I live, I’d like to invest in a little more education, I probably have at least one more job transition in me. But it’s all on hold at the moment...DS needs my continued devotion for a few more years and then I can send him off into the world with a clear conscience and the knowledge that I did my best.
I focus on self improvement in smaller ways, but that doesn’t take away from the reality that, in a sense, the years are sailing by while I wait for my life to begin.
I’m glad your feeling better and I thank you for this thread.
-bora
For me, self-pity is a trap that comes along with envy. I think that everyone else has their act together and I am somehow uniquely screwed up or deviant.
I’ve felt for a few years that I was (am) in a holding pattern. I’d like to move out of this extremely small community where I live, I’d like to invest in a little more education, I probably have at least one more job transition in me. But it’s all on hold at the moment...DS needs my continued devotion for a few more years and then I can send him off into the world with a clear conscience and the knowledge that I did my best.
I focus on self improvement in smaller ways, but that doesn’t take away from the reality that, in a sense, the years are sailing by while I wait for my life to begin.
I’m glad your feeling better and I thank you for this thread.
-bora
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Sasha,
I often feel (especially at this time of year) envy. Envy of all of these nice little couples that I see at church, or envy when I meet a really great dad, or envy of others who make more money b/c they have two incomes and are not supporting their children alone.
However, I also remind myself that people have their own issues behind closed doors. You are so right in that it's not what you have but what you do with it. And you my friend are doing wonderful things in taking mental, physical, and monetary care of your most prized possession, your child.
You are a great momma and a great person!!
I often feel (especially at this time of year) envy. Envy of all of these nice little couples that I see at church, or envy when I meet a really great dad, or envy of others who make more money b/c they have two incomes and are not supporting their children alone.
However, I also remind myself that people have their own issues behind closed doors. You are so right in that it's not what you have but what you do with it. And you my friend are doing wonderful things in taking mental, physical, and monetary care of your most prized possession, your child.
You are a great momma and a great person!!
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