ladyinwaiting

I feel so odd right now that this may sound stange but if your patient enuf to bear with then maybe you can give me a pointer or 2. I'm new to the whole forum thing so i may even be in the wrong place but dont care at this point i just need to vent/purge/ let go.

I met my hubby (the drinker) about 9yrs ago and we have had a strange time of it. he was in rehab. when i met him and told me right off that he was an alcoholic, I figured ok so he goes to meetings ,no biggie . if hes not the asleep in the gutter kind of alky he must be the meetings kind.

we were on the street together for a while(anther story) and i stayed with him almost every night even though i had a room at the YWCA ,cus i felt it was my fault he was out of the program, he drank on our first date.so it was my fault.

we finally saw winter coming so i went to welfare and got a apt that we could share. we stayed there till they tossed us for non payment. i foung another place ,and started a job and would stay late cuz i didnt want to go home to a drunk. he would just want to "borrow" the money i brought home so why bother. we were in a pretty scuzzy part of town and i had a bunch of other family members that were staying with us so my dr sugest i move out of the situation so i did.
I moved to my own apt in a nicer area but became very depressed without my family around so moved again to a large split up house and rented the main floor to S/O and the rooms to family. every month was a nightmare to get the rent from everyone. this whole time he was drinking like crazy. he would go to work for 3-4 days to get the pay and then would start to drink and stay drunk till he ran out of money.it was 100's orf $ worth of booze. i would throw out the trash and count the bottles and it would be like 300-500
$ some weeks.then i found out i was preg. aaaak! so i moved out of there and rented a house with my bro and sis and tried to pretend it was goingto be ok.
he was reeking/hung over for the delivery. when babe was about 4 mos old S/O finally dried out ,i would'nt let him near the baby if he even smelled like booze. Childrens services were involved after baby was born and s/o cleand like crazy and would dry out b4 they came. They said they had never had to visit such a clean houese b4.
when he had dried out for almost a year i figured hey he's dry , he's depressed and i still loved him. we got married in oct of 99 he stayed dry till oct of 02 then he got drunk agian. big time.right into oblivion. One night i sent the kids to my sisters so i could clean up , the place would get so filthy i couldnt let the kids be there, i said somthing about him having to stop drinking and he flipped out.he is not a violent man by nature and i was shoked. he was yelling and screaming and caling me differant garbled names. so i sat down and was reaching for the pphione when he lunged and broke the chier while trying and succeeding in pulling the phone out of the wall. i was so scared!i ran out to the door and he wouldnt let me by so i ran to the back but he cut me off, so i took his bottle and threw it into the bedroom, as he dived out of the way to catch it i ran pest and out the back door ,his eyes were wierd i never saw him like that. i was so scared i heard him come after me and he grabbed my coat from behind then held me by my neck against the fence, I remember thinknig he could kill me and he wouldnt even know it.
he started saying stuff about his mom and her saying she shuld of never had him and i was the only person who ever truly loved him and i couldnt leave or he would die and then never leave me alone just crazy talk. i finally got away and just ran.i ran and ran and he chased me across the front lot for a bit but it was very cold and the wet snow stopped him as he had only socks on. i went back when i knew had passed out . when he woke up he had no idea about the night before. we were separated for a couple months and he kept dringking of course till he rented a nice place and we all moved in together agian. the kids and i spent almost all our time out o the house and when we were home it was night and the kids were asleep . he was still drinking and i didnt want them to see him drunk. but kids know this stuff.
it got so bad by may of 03 that i went to a womans shelter and tried to find my own place. we were on a list for housing but time was running out at the shelter . my mom thought we should switch towns and start fresh. so we did and s/o went dry for a while. we had a little apt. 2 little kids and i was almost disabled by arthritis from the new baby, but he was dry. He did all the care of the house and kids and a wonderful caring job of it to . the house was clean all the time and the kids were cared for and happier then ever. i went to bed at night and anything they needed at night he would take care of.i could sleep and nurse the new baby and that was it. he even did all the and burping and diapering. . but he needed a job and the only one he had for sure was here so we had to move back home. he came a month before as to start hi season and i new he would drink. i knew it to the point that i applied for emergency housing b4 we came. they told me that i was still living with him and he wasnt drinking yet,so i didnt qualify.lol. we ended up spending only one night at the new apt. and then we had to go to a shelter. three little kids in a shelter is no fun ! we did get our gti house and it is like winning the lottery.i dont worry about making the rent or getting evicted anymore. now here is my problen.......


SO and I have been lagally separated as of mayt 04. i have a compleatly seperate financial life from s/o.money is not an issue, he started to pay support and is ok at it.
he has been drunk twice in the last 2 months. i had to make him laeve once so the kids wouldnt have it around.
the oldest (6) knows all about drinking and how it makes your brain not work right . (3yo doesn t really and thats ok.

He lost his apt for non-payment (i had coverd his last 2 mos and just couldnt swing another "loan") and as all the things in it but tools were mine had the stuff brought here. He asked if i could take the tools too so they wouldnt get stollen from his brothers, as he was suppossed to go live there.
he hasnt gone to live there. he is staying here and he shouldnt be. i could lose the place if they new how much time he spends here. anytime i say somthing about it he says sonmthing like ' If you want to kick me out just do it.' guilting me.

I depend on him for help around here and he does alot,he cleand my basement and spareroom and i never would have got it done myself, he tidys everytime he's here and help with supper. how do i ask him to la=eave without the house going to peices.

he admits he has a problem and says he will do somthing about it yet he still selfmedicates with bottles of gravol? i went to a couples in recovery meeting and we would fit perfectly but he says he will go only after his work season is over. and then what.? he says we need the money to badly. i dont want the damn money i want my husband back!

last time he was detoxing here he was vomiting blood and shaking so bad the dresser by the bed was shaking! all he could drink for 2 days was water and ensure.and half that got puked up. said he would make an appointment to the dr but he has drank since then. I am to young to be a widow! I was scared!

I know he is depressed because he is never at peace or cheerful but he won't go on meds cus they mess with your mind...?and whacks of gravol doesnt???
he is always on edge he comes in after work, growls at the kids, showers and goes on the computer, growls at the kids , tidys, puts on the tv for awile, complains about lack of channels/no cable, growls at the kids ,i put them to bed after supper anbd then he goes to bed . thats it every nigh the same!
God forbid one of them come in in the middle of the night woth a problen, he actually yelled at the three yo in the middle of the night! in the morning i told him that i understood he was emotionally ********, but he would not be doing that to the boy agian! he told me to f-off and i didnt know that!

he is good inside and i still feel his hurt and pain from years back , but i still dont have the courage to put it on the line . I dont want to spend my life without him.but this is no life either.

he has been in rehad 3 times in the last 10 yrs and they didnt "Fix him" his words not mine. we have been to counceling and they didnt fix us either.
i dont know what todo now.
i do know that writing this out felt graet and to anyone who read this far thanx, feel free to advise/ sugest/ critic or whatever.
thanx all.
I'm still a "Lady in waiting"

SJW

It's good that you recognize that the way you are living is not the way you want it to be. You have a responsibility to your children to give them the best life you can. Do you think that's what you are doing? Is it worth it to you to have a clean house even if you have to put up with a drunk in order to get it?

I think you know the answer in your head and in your heart. Sometimes the thing that needs to be done the most is the hardest thing to do. If you choose to continue to live with the chaos you have been living in, be prepared to deal with the consequences to yourself and your kids. What if he snaps next time and manages to kill you? What will happen to your kids then? Who needs you the most? They can't survive on their own. He can. And if he doesn't make appropriate choices, there's nothing you can do about it. You aren't responsible for anything he does. You ARE responsible for everything you do - and that includes making your kids your first priority. Would you purposely put them in a dangerous situation? Of course not. But you do it indirectly everytime you let him into your house when he's drunk.

No matter how desparate the situation, you always have choices. Make the ones that are best for you and your kids. Don't worry about him. He is responsible for his own decisions.

You can do it!

SJW

rivercitybelle

This may sound harsh but it's my 2 cents...
WHY are you risking your kids lives?
Do you want to raise them on the streets or in a shelter or have them removed from you altogether?
Do you want to chance the violence increasing and being turned against your kids?

You brought those lives into the world and are responsible for them. They have to depend on you to make the right choices for them.

You have choices. Not making a choice is a choice also. It is a choice to remain in the situation with the responsibility of the outcome. You can't cure or change him, you can only change yourself. Changing doesn't mean you don't love them, it just means that you love them enough to let them own their own choices - such as drinking or wanting to stay sober and receive the rewards or consequences of their actions.
Come back and vent/cry/whatever you need to do for you! Be kind to yourself, you do deserve kindness.