Mind-Games Again

Old 11-16-2018, 10:56 AM
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Mind-Games Again

I thought it had been longer since I posted anything on this site - since 2017. I am beginning to think that my addict husband has never really stopped using crack. It kills me to think this because I feel like I've invested so much. The fact that I am visiting this site again should give me all of the confidence I need to confirm that he is using again, but hes so good at making me think that I am crazy and he's clean and sober.

Recently, he found out an old friend is dying of cancer, so he traveled 6 hours to see this guy - ended up staying 3 nights. Now, this guy was 100 percent one of his old drug buddies, but the hasn't spoken to this old friend in 15 years. I assumed this friend is dying and not thinking about running around using crack... but im beginning to wonder.

Then, another guy who has been in and out of jail for dealing coke, stealing, B and E's, assault on police officers has recently been calling and texting my Husband out of the blue. When I asked why he was inviting this guy back into his life, he lied. When he lied, I let it go and then asked about it later because it was bothering me so much. He freaked out and called me every mean name you can think to call someone. REALLY downright hateful things, then he asked for a divorce...??

Next day, he's acting like nothing ever happened. 'Then I tells me the he DID lie about how he got back in touch with this guy and that explanation seemed a little far-fetched as well.

I found out from my brother-in-law that my husband told him that he can't get "high" off of marijuana anymore. What does this mean when I person can't get high off pot anymore?

Lately, he's mad at everyone and everything. Hes making everyone MISERABLE around him and I cannot understand why he is so upset all of the time, then he calls me in tears because the basement flooded a little because of rain...it floods often so this is not new. 46 year old man literally crying like a baby because its raining.....meanwhile I am at work trying to wrap my mind around why he's so emotional!!
He has so bills, works when he wants and is pissed at the whole world. When he has to help with the kids, he says he's wasting his day to take them to grandmas house or to an activity. He makes them feel horrible every moment hes around them. I work everyday and cannot remember when I had a day off because I am the only one working. I am so tired and just cannot do this anymore. I used to try to track down his whereabouts, get mad at his mother for enabling him, try to control him so he won't use. I just don't care anymore, but now I need to find a place to live with 3 kids because he will not leave the house...HELP!! Any words of wisdom/kindness are greatly appreciated.
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Old 11-16-2018, 11:11 AM
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It does sound like he is using. If his friend is an addict and he is dying, he has likely doing all the drugs he can at this point. Just a guess.

My advise would be to get out if possible, or better yet, visit an attorney and see if you can separate and get exclusive rights to the home court ordered in your favor. That really depends on where you live if a judge will do that or not.

I am sorry.
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Old 11-16-2018, 11:25 AM
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thank you

Addicts are so so so good at lying. He makes me feel like I'm threatening his sobriety by inquiring when things dont seem right. I have so much self doubt when it comes to him. Hes spent years wiring me this way.
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Old 11-16-2018, 01:01 PM
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Fitchicky-I would say almost 100% he is def using again.

I myself just started to coming to this forum, as my ex is a crack addict. He just started using again after being in prison for 4 years, saying he was in a drug program the last 2 years of the 4 year sentence. I now question if that was ever even true. He got out Friday Oct. 26th and got home on Saturday the 27th. I went to see him and immediately basically we were back together. Saw him again on Sunday the 28th and he was using again by Monday the 29th. I have heard nothing from him since that Sunday night when he called me when I was on my way home.

I got a call from his sister on that Monday night that he was running around in the woods in their neighborhood high, acting like a crazy person and that people were talking about calling the cops on him. She told me "He is not the man for you. He is not going to do right like he said he would. You deserve better than this. You need to move on to someone who can love you like you deserve. You've loved him and been there for him as much as you can", etc etc. She's right. It hurts, but I know it and I knew it before I even saw him again.

We have a long history. He is my first love that I met when I was 16. I'm now 45. We lost contact years ago and reconnected Jan 1st of 2013 and have been on and off since. I have been on this merry-go-round with him and I'm finally off of it for good now. However, it is still fresh and hurts very much.

I say all of this to say, that while I was never married to him and do not have children with him (or any children at all for that matter), I can't relate to that and will not try to act like I can. What I can relate to is being with an addict.

I would suggest looking up the term 'gaslighting'. My ex would do that to me when he was ready to get back out there. It's basically where they play mind games with you and try to get you to feel like you're crazy and question your own sanity, etc. It's cruel and it's common for addicts to do. At least that's what I'm finding out.

I would suggest getting off the merry-go-round also. I know that's way easier said than done. Do it for yourself and your children. I wish I had more detailed advice as far as exactly how to do it. But I don't have children, so I am unfamiliar with the resources available. I know you will find great guidance here from others on that piece of it. I just wanted you to know you're not alone, you're NOT crazy and I believe he is using again and you have to look out for yourself now. My heart goes out to you and your children. I'm so sorry you're going through this.
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Old 11-16-2018, 02:12 PM
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Very similar story:/

Hi Kindness-

our stories are very similar. I dated my husband when I was 16, we drifted through life, reconnecting 30 years later. He told me the same story, that he was a recovering addict, having committed to sober living and having had completed a year rehab program. I believed him, there’s no way I would ever let a user into my life (me as the idiot I was) I feel like he was sober for a a year after. Then he started smoking weed, then drinking, then taking his moms pills- then he started being aggressive and terrorizing the family-!he especially did this around every family event;!Christmas, Birthdays, vacations. I’m not sure why other then spending time with the family meant he couldn’t hide anything he was doing. So he would pick fights and storm out. He had his mother convinced I was nuts and he wasn’t using, meanwhile, he hocked her tv- god only knows what else. So here we are, and I’m hurt, but exhausted.
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Old 11-16-2018, 07:34 PM
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Originally Posted by Fitchicky View Post
Hi Kindness-

our stories are very similar. I dated my husband when I was 16, we drifted through life, reconnecting 30 years later. He told me the same story, that he was a recovering addict, having committed to sober living and having had completed a year rehab program. I believed him, there’s no way I would ever let a user into my life (me as the idiot I was) I feel like he was sober for a a year after. Then he started smoking weed, then drinking, then taking his moms pills- then he started being aggressive and terrorizing the family-!he especially did this around every family event;!Christmas, Birthdays, vacations. I’m not sure why other then spending time with the family meant he couldn’t hide anything he was doing. So he would pick fights and storm out. He had his mother convinced I was nuts and he wasn’t using, meanwhile, he hocked her tv- god only knows what else. So here we are, and I’m hurt, but exhausted.
Yes, they do sound very similar. Again, I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I'm the same as you in that if it was anyone else, I would never have given him a chance. I shouldn't have given him a chance even though it was him. I always felt we had this connection and was still thinking of him as the same person I knew before, except older of course and hopefully wiser. But he was neither.

He's still stuck in his early twenties emotionally and it's just been a hot mess. I really hope you can find some comfort and strength here, and in your personal life, to be able to leave him. Once they are caught up in the addiction, they are no longer who you knew. They turn into totally different people that no one wants to know except other addicts. And yeah the picking fights, that's what they do so they can get to their drugs. That's all they care about. Just remember you're not alone in your pain, although I'm sure you feel you are at times. Big hugs from me.
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Old 11-17-2018, 09:05 AM
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I was shocked to find out that all of my ultimatums, and all that I did to try to get my ex husband to stop using drugs meant NOTHING to the court. In their eyes I was just as guilty as him, if not more so. If I could do things differently, I would have done everything I could from the very beginning to show the COURT that he had an addiction, and that I would not allow the kids around him until it was being treated. That means actually filing divorce and notifying the court of the issue. Because when you come to them and say, "This has been going on for years", YOU are guilty of failure to protect. If he wants to change his ways, he can always do that AFTER papers are filed. Just my two cents.
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Old 11-17-2018, 10:36 AM
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It sounds like he is using to me too, but regardless of whether he is or isnt...the way he is treating you is abusive and nasty. He brings nothing to this relationship, you do all the work financially and at home with the children. Leaving him really won't bring you more work, it will relieve you of the abusive words and attitude and give you a home filled with peace.

I think I would seek legal advice, find out your rights and plan you next move. Your children are living in an abusive home where drugs are probably being used. They deserve better, you deserve better.

Hugs
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Old 11-17-2018, 10:38 AM
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When he lied, I let it go and then asked about it later because it was bothering me so much. He freaked out and called me every mean name you can think to call someone. REALLY downright hateful things, then he asked for a divorce...??
I meant to add this to my last post.

Get legal council and then count your blessings and give this abuser the door.
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Old 11-29-2018, 10:10 PM
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My ex-husband wasn't an addict, but when I told him I wanted to get a divorce he wouldn't leave our house. I had to move out with my kids to start the separation period so I initially stayed with my parents and then rented a townhouse. I had to hire a lawyer to put a custody agreement in place and to file for divorce.

Sending you positive thoughts and prayers!
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Old 11-30-2018, 04:57 AM
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Originally Posted by Fitchicky View Post
I found out from my brother-in-law that my husband told him that he can't get "high" off of marijuana anymore. What does this mean when I person can't get high off pot anymore?
This is a huge red flag. The exact same words came out of my exAH's mouth. Do you know what he's using? No. But it's worse than pot. It's likely worse than alcohol too. I can think of a few things a person can smoke that is more dangerous and more addictive. Some of those things can cause aggression... and some of them do not show up on court ordered drug tests.

As a precaution, see a lawyer; also secure your finances now. Do not talk to him about this -- do it privately. Because you have children, you have to put their safety first, and consider what a court would think about your responsibilities to them when one parent is "incapacitated" for whatever reason. I know that sounds obvious, but when you're really stressed out about one person's abusive behavior, other things like the kids or your health often come second... but those things need to come first.

I'm sorry for what you're going through. Right now you and the kids are getting in the way of his high, so he's acting unpredictable, which is not safe. Even if you are not ready to let him go, you have to protect yourself and your children.

Please take care.
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