Big time relapse
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
Big time relapse
I let him come back. I’m hesitant to even post this here because I feel like I’ve disappointed you all… maybe I’ve disappointed myself. I really don’t want to tell my parents….
He was days away from moving in to a house with his new girlfriend, with whom he had already been staying for the last couple of months – at her mother’s apartment. He told me he had made the decision to do it, that there was no going back on it. He didn’t want to break her heart, let her family down, the deposit had already been made via the Crisis Center… I told him I didn’t think there would be any coming back from this as far as our relationship and ever living together again… that would have to be it for us if he moved in with her, rather than just into a place on his own. He said it was his only option, so it would have to be that way…
Then….. I had a weak moment, and I think, sort of knowing he was going to say no, I said, “don’t do it… just come back.” And he did say no, but then the next day, last Friday, he said he had thought about it and he knew that coming back was the right decision if I really meant it. It threw me off… I told him I needed the weekend. By Monday he was pressuring me, saying the rental for him and his girlfriend was going to be ready on Tuesday and he would have to sign the rental agreement….
So I went to the gym Monday night and he stayed at my house with the boys. I still wasn’t giving him an answer at that time…
I cried through Tabata class…. I cried on the way home, and I thought about my boys and all of it, and how they are missing their dad. Now that he’s been sober for a little while (2 months) and he’s been seeing them more, and acting “normal”, it’s been hard for them to see him go, and to not be around all the time. Two nights over the last couple of weeks my 5 year old has cried for him… a quiet very sad cry, that I have very seldom see from him… My 6 year old struggles to learn to read at the same level as his classmates. … I struggle to get him to do his homework at night, in addition to everything else I have to do from the time we get home at 530 and go to bed at 8.
I actually think I’ve done a pretty kick a$$ job at being a single working mom… BUT… when AH is sober, he’s a big help, and things like homework and bathing and bedtime get done more easily… They listen better to him.
I was thinking about these things while I was at the gym driving home, and when I got home, I told him I was willing to try… but that I have ZERO tolerance for the drinking or other BS...
He got his things from her mother’s house Tuesday night. And now he’s back….
This isn’t the way I wanted it to go… I still had a thread of hope for us, but I didn’t want it to happen so quickly like this…
I feel regretful, but also, I do have a bit of optimism that I haven't felt in a while in regards to this... at least for now I do....
I keep thinking about my boys, and knowing that having their dad around and him being sober and being a Dad, is a good thing… Things going to **** again would obviously not be a good thing for them… but they would at least have had him around for a while… Right?
And I’ve made this choice, so I’m committed to doing as much as I can do from my side to work on our issues and get back to being in love… Trying to be positive right now. I feel fairly confident he’s going to stay sober for at least the next year, as he has to test for alcohol for his probation til then…
I don’t know what else to say. Thanks for reading my long post.
Thanks for being here and please don’t be too mean to me.. or you can if you want, I can handle it
He was days away from moving in to a house with his new girlfriend, with whom he had already been staying for the last couple of months – at her mother’s apartment. He told me he had made the decision to do it, that there was no going back on it. He didn’t want to break her heart, let her family down, the deposit had already been made via the Crisis Center… I told him I didn’t think there would be any coming back from this as far as our relationship and ever living together again… that would have to be it for us if he moved in with her, rather than just into a place on his own. He said it was his only option, so it would have to be that way…
Then….. I had a weak moment, and I think, sort of knowing he was going to say no, I said, “don’t do it… just come back.” And he did say no, but then the next day, last Friday, he said he had thought about it and he knew that coming back was the right decision if I really meant it. It threw me off… I told him I needed the weekend. By Monday he was pressuring me, saying the rental for him and his girlfriend was going to be ready on Tuesday and he would have to sign the rental agreement….
So I went to the gym Monday night and he stayed at my house with the boys. I still wasn’t giving him an answer at that time…
I cried through Tabata class…. I cried on the way home, and I thought about my boys and all of it, and how they are missing their dad. Now that he’s been sober for a little while (2 months) and he’s been seeing them more, and acting “normal”, it’s been hard for them to see him go, and to not be around all the time. Two nights over the last couple of weeks my 5 year old has cried for him… a quiet very sad cry, that I have very seldom see from him… My 6 year old struggles to learn to read at the same level as his classmates. … I struggle to get him to do his homework at night, in addition to everything else I have to do from the time we get home at 530 and go to bed at 8.
I actually think I’ve done a pretty kick a$$ job at being a single working mom… BUT… when AH is sober, he’s a big help, and things like homework and bathing and bedtime get done more easily… They listen better to him.
I was thinking about these things while I was at the gym driving home, and when I got home, I told him I was willing to try… but that I have ZERO tolerance for the drinking or other BS...
He got his things from her mother’s house Tuesday night. And now he’s back….
This isn’t the way I wanted it to go… I still had a thread of hope for us, but I didn’t want it to happen so quickly like this…
I feel regretful, but also, I do have a bit of optimism that I haven't felt in a while in regards to this... at least for now I do....
I keep thinking about my boys, and knowing that having their dad around and him being sober and being a Dad, is a good thing… Things going to **** again would obviously not be a good thing for them… but they would at least have had him around for a while… Right?
And I’ve made this choice, so I’m committed to doing as much as I can do from my side to work on our issues and get back to being in love… Trying to be positive right now. I feel fairly confident he’s going to stay sober for at least the next year, as he has to test for alcohol for his probation til then…
I don’t know what else to say. Thanks for reading my long post.
Thanks for being here and please don’t be too mean to me.. or you can if you want, I can handle it
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
My friend, it is not us who has to approve or disapprove your relationships. I would NEVER be mean to you for decisions you make. I am however sad for you. I am alarmed that he jumped from a girlfriend to you. That you don't see that him having a girlfriend was significant enough for you to see that you deserve more than that.
I understand how it's harder. I know how hard it is to be a single mom. It wears you out. I have watched my children cry, it hurts your heart more than anything else.
I hope and pray for you that this works. I hope and pray it more for your children as having him in and out of the house would be very confusing for them.
As with anything, prepare for the worst but hope and pray for the best. Keep sharing as we are here to support you regardless of what steps you take in your own life!
Big hugs!
I understand how it's harder. I know how hard it is to be a single mom. It wears you out. I have watched my children cry, it hurts your heart more than anything else.
I hope and pray for you that this works. I hope and pray it more for your children as having him in and out of the house would be very confusing for them.
As with anything, prepare for the worst but hope and pray for the best. Keep sharing as we are here to support you regardless of what steps you take in your own life!
Big hugs!
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
prepare for the worst but hope and pray for the best
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
Thank you 
...
I've only been to Al-anon a few times in the past years, but I was going pretty regularly during AH's last long period of sobriety back in 2015. I would like to start going again...
I know I definitely do feel like I'm in a different place than I was then... I feel stronger. During that period of time, I think I was just waiting for him to start drinking again so that I could kick him out and be done... which is what eventually happened. I had so much extremely raw anger and resentment....
I feel like I'm going into it differently this time. We've been separated three years now. I've had time and space.
While I know I'm not responsible for any of his drinking or behaviors, I think I have a better understanding at this time of my own issues and the part I played...I know I have things I still need to work on... I know there are things I could do differently as far as our relationship goes. I think I've owned some of my own stuff. I still have anger, but I'm feeling hopeful he and I can communicate better this time around.
Or maybe I'm just trying really hard to convince myself that I haven't made a completely horrible decision....
My boys are happy. They're really happy. While I know it's not all in my control.. I'm going to do everything I can do to make it work for them....
I do believe AH's attitude is different this time too after having time and space...
But yes, prepare for the worst and hope for the best....
Thanks again
... I've only been to Al-anon a few times in the past years, but I was going pretty regularly during AH's last long period of sobriety back in 2015. I would like to start going again...
I know I definitely do feel like I'm in a different place than I was then... I feel stronger. During that period of time, I think I was just waiting for him to start drinking again so that I could kick him out and be done... which is what eventually happened. I had so much extremely raw anger and resentment....
I feel like I'm going into it differently this time. We've been separated three years now. I've had time and space.
While I know I'm not responsible for any of his drinking or behaviors, I think I have a better understanding at this time of my own issues and the part I played...I know I have things I still need to work on... I know there are things I could do differently as far as our relationship goes. I think I've owned some of my own stuff. I still have anger, but I'm feeling hopeful he and I can communicate better this time around.
Or maybe I'm just trying really hard to convince myself that I haven't made a completely horrible decision....
My boys are happy. They're really happy. While I know it's not all in my control.. I'm going to do everything I can do to make it work for them....
I do believe AH's attitude is different this time too after having time and space...
But yes, prepare for the worst and hope for the best....
Thanks again
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
I completely understand how hard it can be to be a single parent, and what a difference having a second adult around can make. I hope you and your sons have a good, low-drama time with your husband back in the house. Wishing you all the best.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Kboys…...nobody is going to be mean to you.....we get how much you want to marriage to work out....
I think you are probably right...that he will probably stay sober for the next year, at least, as he is required to be tested for alcohol 2 x weekly....and, I imagine he is required to attend the occasional AA meeting...?
You seem to already understand that those are external controls...and, that the real test comes when he will have to deal within himself to remain sober...
It is written, time and time, again, that the marriages that stand the best chance of making it, are those where both partners are working a strong program, individually...a the same time...
For the alcoholic, that means that they have to really dig into their program, diligently...and invest the time and work it takes to make the kinds of internal changes that genuine sobriety requires....And it dies require a lot of time and effort...It requires a lot of AA meetings...not just the minimum requirement...and a sponsor and working through the 12 steps...with step meetings....Along with this, seeing a therapist for his specific baggage...
The alcoholic has to change the alcoholic thinking...which leads to changes in attitude....which, eventually, leads to changes in behaviors...It doesn't happen, overnight...it takes 2--3--5yrs....depending on who you talk to...
For the spouse of the alcoholic, it also means to invest time and work into making the kinds of changes that prepare one for thriving and facing life as it comes....that would include involvement in supportive group...like alanon (or similar group), individual therapy for their own baggage, and continuing to read and learn.....their own development as an individual....and building strong relationships outside of the marriage....
I think it is so easy to turn the focus back on to the alcoholic partner and neglect the other work that needs to be done...in an effort to "make it work".....
Soon after reuniting...it is easy, and common, for the old habits of the relationship to re-emerge, again....
I sure do hope that things go well for you two....I am just taking this opportunity to remind you that change has to take place for both of you......and change can be hard.....the work has to be done...there are no short cuts...
I think you are probably right...that he will probably stay sober for the next year, at least, as he is required to be tested for alcohol 2 x weekly....and, I imagine he is required to attend the occasional AA meeting...?
You seem to already understand that those are external controls...and, that the real test comes when he will have to deal within himself to remain sober...
It is written, time and time, again, that the marriages that stand the best chance of making it, are those where both partners are working a strong program, individually...a the same time...
For the alcoholic, that means that they have to really dig into their program, diligently...and invest the time and work it takes to make the kinds of internal changes that genuine sobriety requires....And it dies require a lot of time and effort...It requires a lot of AA meetings...not just the minimum requirement...and a sponsor and working through the 12 steps...with step meetings....Along with this, seeing a therapist for his specific baggage...
The alcoholic has to change the alcoholic thinking...which leads to changes in attitude....which, eventually, leads to changes in behaviors...It doesn't happen, overnight...it takes 2--3--5yrs....depending on who you talk to...
For the spouse of the alcoholic, it also means to invest time and work into making the kinds of changes that prepare one for thriving and facing life as it comes....that would include involvement in supportive group...like alanon (or similar group), individual therapy for their own baggage, and continuing to read and learn.....their own development as an individual....and building strong relationships outside of the marriage....
I think it is so easy to turn the focus back on to the alcoholic partner and neglect the other work that needs to be done...in an effort to "make it work".....
Soon after reuniting...it is easy, and common, for the old habits of the relationship to re-emerge, again....
I sure do hope that things go well for you two....I am just taking this opportunity to remind you that change has to take place for both of you......and change can be hard.....the work has to be done...there are no short cuts...
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I have a lot of work ahead of me! I feel better prepared for it now than I did before.... But it does feel overwhelming.
He's not required to attend AA, nor does he want to.... probably a bad sign right there, huh... eek
But he is required to attend a weekly Domestic Violence education class for one year (for the second time). His arrest in June he was charged with DV for coming into the house through my dog door.... in addition to violation of probation for being intoxicated.
He's not required to attend AA, nor does he want to.... probably a bad sign right there, huh... eek
But he is required to attend a weekly Domestic Violence education class for one year (for the second time). His arrest in June he was charged with DV for coming into the house through my dog door.... in addition to violation of probation for being intoxicated.
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Well i'm certainly not going to be mean to you! I'm glad you posted.
I went back and read some of your threads because I wasn't a member of SR back when you first started posting so I didn't really know much of your story.
It's been a rocky road!
I hope this works out for you.
My concern, after reading through some of your threads is your safety. He has threatened to kill you before, he has been violent. That's scary stuff and of course is a separate issue to addiction. Please just be aware and keep yourself safe.
Whether he will stay sober or not remains to be seen, more will be revealed as they say, although you mentioned he has already failed a sobriety test in June. Perhaps he will stay sober at least as long as he is on probation.
The whole fiasco with leading the other woman on right up to lease signing is a huge red flag and does speak to his mental state/integrity.
Anyway, stay safe!
When is his probation up?
I went back and read some of your threads because I wasn't a member of SR back when you first started posting so I didn't really know much of your story.
It's been a rocky road!
I hope this works out for you.
My concern, after reading through some of your threads is your safety. He has threatened to kill you before, he has been violent. That's scary stuff and of course is a separate issue to addiction. Please just be aware and keep yourself safe.
Whether he will stay sober or not remains to be seen, more will be revealed as they say, although you mentioned he has already failed a sobriety test in June. Perhaps he will stay sober at least as long as he is on probation.
The whole fiasco with leading the other woman on right up to lease signing is a huge red flag and does speak to his mental state/integrity.
Anyway, stay safe!
When is his probation up?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Kboys…..the following article from our library (in the stickies), might be good information for you, right now.....
Also, it would be a good idea to read the articles in "Classic Reading", in the stickies section (more than 100 of them). Knowledge is power.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-reposted.html (10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of ****, reposted)
Also, good on your decision to work on yourself....now matter how things unfold, you can't lose that!
Also, it would be a good idea to read the articles in "Classic Reading", in the stickies section (more than 100 of them). Knowledge is power.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-reposted.html (10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of ****, reposted)
Also, good on your decision to work on yourself....now matter how things unfold, you can't lose that!
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Thanks for taking the time to read my old threads trail mix... Yes, definitely a rocky road
He's on formal probation for another year, then informal for 2 years...
yes, he has been violent and very scary at times...he has in the past been aggressive when sober,but never violent like when he's drinking... So I do feel safe as long as he's sober...
I'm not at all confident he'll stay sober beyond his probation... i believeh he wants to...
I guess I feel like, at least we'll have a year or so to really give it a try., And for the boys to have him around and to see him being himself. That's my hope anyway. I know I'm probably being more optimistic than I should be given our history.... But I feel like I kind of have to be since I've jumped back into this....
I feel I've done a lot of work on myself in the last few years, and now I feel even more motivated to keep doing it...
He's on formal probation for another year, then informal for 2 years...
yes, he has been violent and very scary at times...he has in the past been aggressive when sober,but never violent like when he's drinking... So I do feel safe as long as he's sober...
I'm not at all confident he'll stay sober beyond his probation... i believeh he wants to...
I guess I feel like, at least we'll have a year or so to really give it a try., And for the boys to have him around and to see him being himself. That's my hope anyway. I know I'm probably being more optimistic than I should be given our history.... But I feel like I kind of have to be since I've jumped back into this....
I feel I've done a lot of work on myself in the last few years, and now I feel even more motivated to keep doing it...
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I see your reasoning. I'm glad you are going to keep working on yourself, not because I think you need to be "fixed up" but I saw in your posts perhaps a lack of self-esteem? That can be a tough one but can absolutely be worked on and achieved. Once that is in place, boundaries come easier, confidence.
Keep posting! Don't ever be afraid to post.
I would be interested to know how you are feeling a few days from now once this has all settled down a bit.
I totally understand what you are saying, however, please don't ever feel like to you HAVE to do anything. If you feel optimistic that's great, as long as it's not forced. Committing to giving it your best shot is one thing, but there is no cardinal rule that disallows flexibility in your decisions. You and your children come first.
Keep posting! Don't ever be afraid to post.
I would be interested to know how you are feeling a few days from now once this has all settled down a bit.
I know I'm probably being more optimistic than I should be given our history.... But I feel like I kind of have to be since I've jumped back into this....
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Originally Posted by trailmix 
I totally understand what you are saying, however, please don't ever feel like to you HAVE to do anything. If you feel optimistic that's great, as long as it's not forced. Committing to giving it your best shot is one thing, but there is no cardinal rule that disallows flexibility in your decisions. You and your children come first.
I think my optimism is at least somewhat (mostly?)forced at this time... Fake it til you make it?
Things are going okay so far... though it's weird to transition to having him there again... my clothes are smashed in the closet now that his are in there too again... I tripped over his dirty work boots in the middle of the floor...
Though it was chaotic at times, the kids and I did have our own routine, and now that he's there again, it just feels like everything's thrown off.
But on the positive side, DS6 was proud to do his reading homework for his Dad the last two nights (something I have to beg and bribe him to do usually, and then I end up totally flustered and give in half the time)... and AH has put them to bed, giving me time to do some chores... so overall, so far, things do feel a little more smooth around the house, and the boys are still thrilled he's there.
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Kboys,
I can't add much more than what others have said. I hope everything works out in a positive way for you. It's obvious that you have a lot of love in your heart. Make sure to save some of it for yourself. (Saying this as much to you as I am to myself)
I can't add much more than what others have said. I hope everything works out in a positive way for you. It's obvious that you have a lot of love in your heart. Make sure to save some of it for yourself. (Saying this as much to you as I am to myself)
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