I Want To Stop Feeling So Sad

Old 11-14-2018, 05:23 PM
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I Want To Stop Feeling So Sad

I know he's an addict. I know he's not good for me. I know all of this logically. I know I don't want to be with him anymore. Not that he's trying to be back with me. He just abandoned me. I know all of these things.

It's not stopping the hurt. It's not stopping me from missing him. Or the 'him' that I fell for long ago. I know that's not him any longer. I had a couple of good days where I didn't cry at all and felt fairly good. Then today I woke up with him on my mind and have cried off and on all day.

I hate that I even care. He is emotionally unavailable even when not using. There's so many things to tick off of why he's not 'the one'. And I truly have no desire to go through the stress of being with an addict even if he was in recovery. So why do I still have this longing?

I hate it. Ugh. I'm an intelligent woman. I have common sense. What the hell am I doing missing this person so much and wanting him to call or have some sense that he cares? Why? I know I deserve more. I know I don't want to be back with him. But I still keep wanting him to show he cared in some kind of way. He just vanished from my life like I was nothing. Uggggghhhhh.
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Old 11-14-2018, 05:35 PM
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I am not and will not try to offer any kind of suggestions except for one, try Al-Anon. It helped my wife deal with me during my bad times with alcohol and it helped a good friend of mine deal with his addictive wife. They should be able to help you process your loss and help you refocus on you. Because you is all that matters right now.
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Old 11-14-2018, 06:32 PM
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gemini7

I think all of us have asked ourselves similar question when confronted with the harsh reality of loving someone suffering from addiction.

And, we all have a tendency to beat our selves up a little. I've heard (or read) that it is normal for grief to come in waves that get less strong and less frequent over time... so hopefully your post is one of those waves to be followed by some more good days.

There is always a great deal of grief in loving an addict and letting them go. It often means we let go of more than just the day to day relationship. We let go of our hopes, dreams, illusions of control and realizing the potential we saw in the person. And sometimes even letting go of expecting the relationship to heal something in ourselves we had hoped it could heal. there is a lot to sort out.

While none of us can escape the grief (and it wouldn't be healthy anyway), what we can do is treat ourselves kindly.

We can accept our addict as a person, able to make decisions for themselves without us. And we can accept ourselves as someone who tried something and it didn't work - give ourselves credit for trying and take the time to learn from it.

Self-compassion, and non-self-judgement can help a lot when grieving. I'm guessing that if you were giving someone in your exact same situation some advice, it might be to accept that you are hurt and need some time to heal, to be patient and give yourself the time and care you need.

Grief takes time, and it does get better with time.
Wishing you self compassion and self care. Hugs!
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Old 11-14-2018, 07:10 PM
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Originally Posted by Marcutah1 View Post
I am not and will not try to offer any kind of suggestions except for one, try Al-Anon. It helped my wife deal with me during my bad times with alcohol and it helped a good friend of mine deal with his addictive wife. They should be able to help you process your loss and help you refocus on you. Because you is all that matters right now.
Thank you so much. I have thought about going to a meeting, but I don't know yet. I def feel I need to focus on me regardless. Thanks again.
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Old 11-14-2018, 07:12 PM
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Originally posted by Troubledone

"There is always a great deal of grief in loving an addict and letting them go. It often means we let go of more than just the day to day relationship. We let go of our hopes, dreams, illusions of control and realizing the potential we saw in the person. And sometimes even letting go of expecting the relationship to heal something in ourselves we had hoped it could heal. there is a lot to sort out."

I think this is exactly where the pain lies. You hit the nail on the head. Thank you so much for your kind words. <3
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Old 11-15-2018, 09:08 AM
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You are going through a grieving process and it takes time. Give yourself a break, be good to yourself, and know that if you stay no contact, this will eventually pass.
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Old 11-15-2018, 11:31 AM
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I absolutely agree with Marcutah, find yourself a meeting girl, I promise you it will be the best gift you ever gave yourself. CoDA (Codependents Anonymous) was my home group and it literally saved my life, but there are many meetings that can help you. These meetings are about YOU and not him nor his substance.

My other suggestion is to find a distraction each time you find yourself obsessing or stuck in sadness. Seriously, have something handy to take your mind somewhere else. I found going for a walk in nature helped, so did reading a good "whodunnit" or biography took my mind off myself and my problems....just stay away from romance novels, they will not serve you well right now. Plan a trip, even though you can't take it. For instance, plan a trip to Paris...read up on the historical sights there, look at the art galleries and plan a make believe trip. Or even choose something doable...choose some interesting place near you, read about it and go for a day trip to see it first hand. You CAN do this, I promise you that taking your mind to someplace pleasant will help you begin to heal. You will find, before long, that you go an entire day without thinking of "him".

Get out of yourself, and stretch your horizons. It doesn't have to cost money, it's all a state of mind and you can do it, I know you can.
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Old 11-15-2018, 03:46 PM
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Originally Posted by hopeful4 View Post
You are going through a grieving process and it takes time. Give yourself a break, be good to yourself, and know that if you stay no contact, this will eventually pass.
Thank you so much. I am def grieving and it sucks so bad. I just want to be over it already, but I know I can't. I have to go through it. I'm def staying no contact. I have no choice in the matter anyway as far as he himself is concerned. He has no phone and he hasn't contacted me at all. I have cut phone calls with his family though, except for an 'I love you' text that I sent his mom. She knows I need time right now b/c we talked about it and so I know I can say that and she knows I'm not trying to start a dialogue.
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Old 11-15-2018, 03:51 PM
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Originally Posted by Ann View Post
I absolutely agree with Marcutah, find yourself a meeting girl, I promise you it will be the best gift you ever gave yourself. CoDA (Codependents Anonymous) was my home group and it literally saved my life, but there are many meetings that can help you. These meetings are about YOU and not him nor his substance.

My other suggestion is to find a distraction each time you find yourself obsessing or stuck in sadness. Seriously, have something handy to take your mind somewhere else. I found going for a walk in nature helped, so did reading a good "whodunnit" or biography took my mind off myself and my problems....just stay away from romance novels, they will not serve you well right now. Plan a trip, even though you can't take it. For instance, plan a trip to Paris...read up on the historical sights there, look at the art galleries and plan a make believe trip. Or even choose something doable...choose some interesting place near you, read about it and go for a day trip to see it first hand. You CAN do this, I promise you that taking your mind to someplace pleasant will help you begin to heal. You will find, before long, that you go an entire day without thinking of "him".

Get out of yourself, and stretch your horizons. It doesn't have to cost money, it's all a state of mind and you can do it, I know you can.
Thank you Ann for this sweet message of encouragement. I could feel your compassion for me and that means so much. And your suggestions are great ones. I will def be thinking about doing some of these things.

I've read some of your posts and am so sorry for all that you have gone through and I admire your strength so much. Thank you again.
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Old 11-15-2018, 05:53 PM
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Taking action right now is probably low in your list of things you would like to do. You are hurting and as you said, grieving. These are not strong motivators for action (if they were wouldn't that be great!).

I find when I am down sometimes I just have to drag myself to whatever it is I need to do for myself. Might mean I'm not at my best on arrival, maybe I won't bother with any makeup and just run a brush through my hair but it's action, not words, not "I should".

Think of it this way, what could an Al-Anon meeting hurt? How could it make it worse? Well the truth is it really won't and there is a chance it could make you feel better and help you to start moving forward.

Why not give it a try.
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Old 11-15-2018, 06:41 PM
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
Taking action right now is probably low in your list of things you would like to do. You are hurting and as you said, grieving. These are not strong motivators for action (if they were wouldn't that be great!).

I find when I am down sometimes I just have to drag myself to whatever it is I need to do for myself. Might mean I'm not at my best on arrival, maybe I won't bother with any makeup and just run a brush through my hair but it's action, not words, not "I should".

Think of it this way, what could an Al-Anon meeting hurt? How could it make it worse? Well the truth is it really won't and there is a chance it could make you feel better and help you to start moving forward.

Why not give it a try.
It's true. I have zero motivation for much of anything right now. It's taking a lot to get out of bed, etc.

I will think about going to a meeting. I wish they had a nar anon meeting near me, but they don't. Only al anon. My ex is not an alcoholic. He is a crack addict. I understand the basics are the same, I'm sure. I don't know. I guess I want to talk to ppl who understand dealing with people with drug addiction, not just alcoholism.

Sidenote: There is a history of alcoholism in my family. My dad is an alcoholic who was not an active addict for most of my childhood. There were times here and there I remember him being drunk though. It got really bad for him over the last decade or so. I was living in another state and wasn't nearby. I came back to my hometown and still didn't know how bad it was b/c my stepmom wasn't telling anyone. Long story with all of this. (He is supposedly sober right now, but I'm never sure). His dad and brother were also alcoholics. My grandpa and uncle both passed from alcohol related health issues.

So, I've thought about going for those reasons as well. I don't know. I will def think about it. Thank you.
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Old 11-16-2018, 03:40 AM
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Just a note...these meetings are about you, not him or his substance. They are about setting boudaries for ourselves, learning to let go of our obsession to control things that are not ours to control, learning to heal and find peace and to help us find the beauty in every single day. Things I learned at meetings serve me well in ALL areas of my life today and in all relationships.

*Said with love in my heart*....stop thinking and "maybe-ing" and start doing. It's action that will take you to a better place. Wishing things will change won't cut it, trying to figure out what is wrong with "him" and why he does the things he does, and waiting for an apology or explanation will keep you stuck in the sadness. "Do" something constructive for yourself today. Try one meeting and keep an open mind. If you go, thinking it's a waste of time, it probably will be. But if you just listen to others who have been through the same heartache and who are happy and at peace today...just may trigger a desire to get help for yourself.
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Old 11-16-2018, 07:06 AM
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Not sure if this person will “speak” to you or not, but I do like this woman’s articles and videos on personality disorders, core issues/ unmet needs, sitting with your own pain, etc. I’m not sure if she has any on substance abusers specifically, but she has plenty on emotionally unavailable / personality disordered partners, and why people choose them, so I personally have found them to be helpful and have some interesting info:


https://youtu.be/yGZswQHaNfk
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Old 11-16-2018, 10:47 AM
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Originally Posted by Ann View Post
Just a note...these meetings are about you, not him or his substance. They are about setting boudaries for ourselves, learning to let go of our obsession to control things that are not ours to control, learning to heal and find peace and to help us find the beauty in every single day. Things I learned at meetings serve me well in ALL areas of my life today and in all relationships.

*Said with love in my heart*....stop thinking and "maybe-ing" and start doing. It's action that will take you to a better place. Wishing things will change won't cut it, trying to figure out what is wrong with "him" and why he does the things he does, and waiting for an apology or explanation will keep you stuck in the sadness. "Do" something constructive for yourself today. Try one meeting and keep an open mind. If you go, thinking it's a waste of time, it probably will be. But if you just listen to others who have been through the same heartache and who are happy and at peace today...just may trigger a desire to get help for yourself.

I see what you're saying. I guess I don't identify with wanting to control him. I can't and I know that. I feel it's normal to wonder about these things of 'why?', etc. I think if I sat around all day, every day and obsessed over it, that could be a problem. But I have moments. I had a bad moment yesterday. I mean this just happened a few weeks ago.

I'm still trying to process it all. Is that not normal? I don't understand why this automatically has to mean I'm wanting to control things.

I mean I'm all about growing and getting better, so maybe I'm missing something. I don't know.

I def agree with you that I need to start doing and stop thinking and 'maybe-ing' so much. You're right about that. I guess when you deal with depression that part is hard. I've dealt with depression since I was young. Way before my ex. It just gets way worse when things like this happen.

Thank you Ann.
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Old 11-16-2018, 10:52 AM
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Originally Posted by pdm22 View Post
Not sure if this person will “speak” to you or not, but I do like this woman’s articles and videos on personality disorders, core issues/ unmet needs, sitting with your own pain, etc. I’m not sure if she has any on substance abusers specifically, but she has plenty on emotionally unavailable / personality disordered partners, and why people choose them, so I personally have found them to be helpful and have some interesting info:


https://youtu.be/yGZswQHaNfk
Thank you. I will look her up. I have def looked into these types of videos on youtube before and that was when I learned what 'gaslighting' was.

My ex would gaslight leading up to him wanting to go out and do what he wanted. This time, it was only 2 days before he went back out there and so I didn't deal with that but one time the night before he started using again. I knew it was going downhill right then. I also knew there was no way I was gonna stay with him this go round. It was just a bad decision on my part to even talk to him again, much less see him in person when he came home and get back with him immediately.

All of that said, it still doesn't make his abandonment less hurtful. That prob sounds crazy, because basically he did for me what I knew was gonna happen eventually regardless. I changed a lot in the 4 years he was gone. I still loved him, but knew he was not the one. I just wish I had never started talking to him again. I will def look at this as a lesson that I wasn't quite as far along as I thought.

Thank you again.
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