A question about being new at this
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 11
A question about being new at this
my husband thinks I am over reacting about going thru AA and actually laughed at me. He doesn’t see me as a drunk. I am more of a binge/stress drinker. I can go days without drinking, and then when I do drink I will drink more than I should and my husband will get mad at me and a few other people will say something. Last time I drank it was a wake up call for me and my husband even said that. I was lucky I didn’t hurt anyone or ended up dead. I reminded my husband this. I have gone to aA meetings almost everyday since last Saturday and my husband doesn’t think I need to. I told Hm until I figure this out I feel like I need to. He’s also mentioned that people might say something when they don’t see me drinking at the holidays. I told him it’s none of their business and I don’t need to say why. It’s just frustrating because I told him he isn’t taking me seriously and that makes me feel sad. I also pointed out to him that there is some stress we have going on and I need to find out ways to handle it and that AA seems to be helping. I just had to get that all out. Did anyone else go they this with their spouse?
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,492
It's really hard for others to understand alcoholism.
My suggestion is to not try to make your husband understand or convince him. Just do what you know you need to do. And, you're right - you don't owe anyone an explanation as to why you are not drinking.
My suggestion is to not try to make your husband understand or convince him. Just do what you know you need to do. And, you're right - you don't owe anyone an explanation as to why you are not drinking.
Sober Alcoholic
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,539
You might want to ask him (in a subtle non threatening sort of way) what he's afraid of. In all likelihood he will deny any fear, to which you can request he let you do what you feel you need to do for yourself and your family.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: North East, USA
Posts: 704
You know when you fly and they instruct you to put your O2 mask on first or else you won't be able to help anyone else? Get your O2.
There's a chapter in the Big Book entitled To The Wives. Give it a read and maybe show it to him.
You're doing great.
Jules
There's a chapter in the Big Book entitled To The Wives. Give it a read and maybe show it to him.
You're doing great.
Jules
Ignore him. Stay sober for you. Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 2,578
Hi Soberlady, and welcome! My husband was surprised when I told him I thought I had a drinking problem -- he didn't think I did. But fortunately he was supportive anyway.
I would encourage you to keep on going! I went daily when I first quit -- I learned a lot, and just changing my routine with that daily meeting was a huge help. I'm not an AA'er any more, but I'm glad I participated when I did.
You may hear stories that are "worse" than yours in terms of consequences. One thing that helped me was to realize it is a continuum that only progresses in one direction -- downhill. My problems may not have been so dramatic, but they were growing, and the solution was quitting. So my suggestion is don't let anyone tell you you don't have a problem ... If you think you do, you're right, and now is by far the easiest and best time to quit.
And you're so right about it not being other people's business -- I just say no thanks, or ask for sparkling water, and it's never a big deal.
I would encourage you to keep on going! I went daily when I first quit -- I learned a lot, and just changing my routine with that daily meeting was a huge help. I'm not an AA'er any more, but I'm glad I participated when I did.
You may hear stories that are "worse" than yours in terms of consequences. One thing that helped me was to realize it is a continuum that only progresses in one direction -- downhill. My problems may not have been so dramatic, but they were growing, and the solution was quitting. So my suggestion is don't let anyone tell you you don't have a problem ... If you think you do, you're right, and now is by far the easiest and best time to quit.
And you're so right about it not being other people's business -- I just say no thanks, or ask for sparkling water, and it's never a big deal.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 374
Yes when I was drinking my husband was always having a go at me ...asking me to slow down ...when I quit he really wasn't a big support it's easy to say I'm proud of you but it was my eldest daughter who is 27 that was my absolute rock ..I've only been to one AA meeting and my husband like yours said I don't think you should be going there ...You were never that bad????? So yeah I know excatly where your coming from
carry on doing what your doing and just concentrate on you at the moment ....It does get easier
Oh and well done on your journey ....xx
carry on doing what your doing and just concentrate on you at the moment ....It does get easier
Oh and well done on your journey ....xx
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 11
Originally Posted by Caralara144 
Yes when I was drinking my husband was always having a go at me ...asking me to slow down ...when I quit he really wasn't a big support it's easy to say I'm proud of you but it was my eldest daughter who is 27 that was my absolute rock ..I've only been to one AA meeting and my husband like yours said I don't think you should be going there ...You were never that bad????? So yeah I know excatly where your coming from
carry on doing what your doing and just concentrate on you at the moment ....It does get easier
Oh and well done on your journey ....xx
carry on doing what your doing and just concentrate on you at the moment ....It does get easier
Oh and well done on your journey ....xx
thank you you so much! I’m debating if I should tell my girls. I might just wait. I don’t want to worry them. They have enough going in with their lives- school and activities.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 11
Originally Posted by Caralara144
Yes when I was drinking my husband was always having a go at me ...asking me to slow down ...when I quit he really wasn't a big support it's easy to say I'm proud of you but it was my eldest daughter who is 27 that was my absolute rock ..I've only been to one AA meeting and my husband like yours said I don't think you should be going there ...You were never that bad????? So yeah I know excatly where your coming from
carry on doing what your doing and just concentrate on you at the moment ....It does get easier
Oh and well done on your journey ....xx
carry on doing what your doing and just concentrate on you at the moment ....It does get easier
Oh and well done on your journey ....xx
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 11
Originally Posted by tursiops999
Hi Soberlady, and welcome! My husband was surprised when I told him I thought I had a drinking problem -- he didn't think I did. But fortunately he was supportive anyway.
I would encourage you to keep on going! I went daily when I first quit -- I learned a lot, and just changing my routine with that daily meeting was a huge help. I'm not an AA'er any more, but I'm glad I participated when I did.
You may hear stories that are "worse" than yours in terms of consequences. One thing that helped me was to realize it is a continuum that only progresses in one direction -- downhill. My problems may not have been so dramatic, but they were growing, and the solution was quitting. So my suggestion is don't let anyone tell you you don't have a problem ... If you think you do, you're right, and now is by far the easiest and best time to quit.
And you're so right about it not being other people's business -- I just say no thanks, or ask for sparkling water, and it's never a big deal.
I would encourage you to keep on going! I went daily when I first quit -- I learned a lot, and just changing my routine with that daily meeting was a huge help. I'm not an AA'er any more, but I'm glad I participated when I did.
You may hear stories that are "worse" than yours in terms of consequences. One thing that helped me was to realize it is a continuum that only progresses in one direction -- downhill. My problems may not have been so dramatic, but they were growing, and the solution was quitting. So my suggestion is don't let anyone tell you you don't have a problem ... If you think you do, you're right, and now is by far the easiest and best time to quit.
And you're so right about it not being other people's business -- I just say no thanks, or ask for sparkling water, and it's never a big deal.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 148
Hi Soberlady
I am right with you but my OH is one who just doesn't say anything! Supportive or non-supportive .
As time goes on you will start to feel so good about yourself - physically and mentally - that it will not matter as much. The real me, who had been drowning, resurfaced and - you know what - I quite like her and so does my OH.
Another thread here talks about memoirs written by women and I found these very helpful for our situation.
I am right with you but my OH is one who just doesn't say anything! Supportive or non-supportive .
As time goes on you will start to feel so good about yourself - physically and mentally - that it will not matter as much. The real me, who had been drowning, resurfaced and - you know what - I quite like her and so does my OH.
Another thread here talks about memoirs written by women and I found these very helpful for our situation.
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Good for you for sharing! And, most importantly for starting to question and CHANGE your alcohol problem.
And I second that suggestion about books - if you just start looking on Amazon for books like Caroline Knapp's classic Drinking: A Love Story, you will find so many other books that share individual experiences with the whole range and "type" of alcoholic.
One comment about telling your girls - from my experience with an alcoholic mom it was VERY out in the open and became family madness. For my step kids, while they saw their parents drink a lot/too much/too often, whatever, they didn't necessarily connect that to the emotional struggles or confusion they had which happened among their busy lives as teens, like you mention.
My husband didn't "announce" his alcoholism (like my mom, mine was wild and visible and nearly fatal) but rather first told them he wasn't drinking as part of a life overhaul along with the divorce, exercise, etc. As he evolved in understanding his disease and then chose to start AA (I am 4-5 mo "ahead of him" and started a deep AA program right away), his and our openness with the kids has changed and grown.
Kids know there are problems and I do believe "filling them in" on a big part of why is critical. Hiding does not benefit anyone in the long run, from my tough experience. But much more than any announcement, the change in your behavior in all ways- some which might surprise you, like the fact that my step kids hated going for Mexican every Friday because they just knew that the ride home made them uneasy - will be what really helps your kids.
If you can start the journey- and you CAN- then you can see what the sober side of life is like and I hope before you get to any of the "hasn't happened YET" stuff we did!
And I second that suggestion about books - if you just start looking on Amazon for books like Caroline Knapp's classic Drinking: A Love Story, you will find so many other books that share individual experiences with the whole range and "type" of alcoholic.
One comment about telling your girls - from my experience with an alcoholic mom it was VERY out in the open and became family madness. For my step kids, while they saw their parents drink a lot/too much/too often, whatever, they didn't necessarily connect that to the emotional struggles or confusion they had which happened among their busy lives as teens, like you mention.
My husband didn't "announce" his alcoholism (like my mom, mine was wild and visible and nearly fatal) but rather first told them he wasn't drinking as part of a life overhaul along with the divorce, exercise, etc. As he evolved in understanding his disease and then chose to start AA (I am 4-5 mo "ahead of him" and started a deep AA program right away), his and our openness with the kids has changed and grown.
Kids know there are problems and I do believe "filling them in" on a big part of why is critical. Hiding does not benefit anyone in the long run, from my tough experience. But much more than any announcement, the change in your behavior in all ways- some which might surprise you, like the fact that my step kids hated going for Mexican every Friday because they just knew that the ride home made them uneasy - will be what really helps your kids.
If you can start the journey- and you CAN- then you can see what the sober side of life is like and I hope before you get to any of the "hasn't happened YET" stuff we did!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,169
Originally Posted by Soberlady52
my husband thinks I am over reacting about going thru AA and actually laughed at me. He doesn’t see me as a drunk. I am more of a binge/stress drinker.
On top of that, non-alcoholics don't have any inner experience they can use to understand you. I'm an alcoholic, but even I lack the inner experience to understand binge drinking. To me, if I can quit for a month, I can quit for life, so by extension, I want to believe it's the same for everyone else.
Now, imagine how difficult it must be for a non-alcoholic to empathize with any of this.
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