Troubledone

Background: My addict, niece, lived with my husband and I -- we had issues with drugs for 14 years, three courses of treatment, incarceration for dealing drugs, etc... recently I had her committed (dual diagnosis Chemical dependency and mental illness bipolar 1) and she's been in rehab for about 2 months--intensive for 5 weeks and now in a less restrictive sober living situation.

In the current facility, she can leave for short periods of time. Last year I had purchased 20 yoga classes for her that she never took (long story). Since she's been in this new facility, she has taken an interest in yoga again and I have been taking her to yoga with me (I practice regularly) about 2 - 3 times/week. Occasionally she will take the bus and go on her own.

She is down to about 6 classes left and asked me what about yoga when there are gone (basically asking me to pay for more classes for her).

The reasons I am thinking I should pay for the yoga:

• She usually gets in the car in a bit of a funk, but after the class seems calm and thoughtful (albeit still immature - 37 year old that functions like a 16 year old).
• All the reading I've done says that yoga is good for people who suffer from all her issues (CD/MI and trauma).
• And, I get to see how she's doing, although she isn't always very disclosing about anything deep - just reports on what they do for recreation at this facility.

The down side -

• It takes me a little while to pick her up (15 min each way) and if we go in the afternoon, she misses dinner so I make her a sandwich.
• It does cost money (about $20/class), which is not a problem for me , but outside her reach (she is in debt, no job, limited means of income, etc.)
• I don't know if this is fostering dependence or helping her become more independent (see plus side above).

When I think about the financial side, she has storage unit that she has been getting other people (friends) to pay for but it won't be long before they get tired of that and she either figures out how to make money or loses it. So, she is challenged to find money to keep her phone going and pay for this storage unit. The facility she is at provides bus fare, food, shelter, medical, YMCA membership, etc. If she had to pay for it herself, yoga would be third on her list behind the phone and storage unit. And I don't think she'll make the storage unit bill.

She has a paralegal credential, and she makes stuff that she sells on the internet sometimes, but being in this facility for only a month, and so much to sort out, she hasn't really gotten anything sustainable going yet. They are working to get her on SSDI and government housing.

The dilemma - do I buy more yoga classes or not?

This seems like a silly question when I type it. But I just don't know.

If the classes help her, I could offer to do another 20 which would take her to about the place where she'd be moving to anther facility with more responsibility and more freedom. It might support her in getting her Mental illness settled (a lot of research on the benefit of exercise). I don't think I should be doing this long term - at some point she needs to figure her own life out.

Other than yoga, however, she is still in touch with some questionable friends and I'm not sure if the people in her living situation are a help or not.

And, she asked me to pay for some Pole classes (yes, pole dancing), but I see that as something that coincided with her downward spiral in the past, so I just can't even think about doing that. (There may be some lovely people in that - but I just have an aversion).

By the way, I've asked everyone I know. Some say "tell her you'll pay for it if she lets you discuss it with her therapist and he agrees". I don't currently have access to her doctors (she forbids it so far).

My sister says "You are the only sane person she has in her life and yoga is helping her, don't take it away from her".

And others say "she got herself into this mess by her own decisions in defiance of all you tried to do to help her, let her figure it out."

So - any and all observations, advice or questions are welcome.

Thanks (and sorry for the long post).

Ann

Wow, I can see your dilemma and I have to say, after I read the part where you said it was not a financial hardship to you...I was nodding that since this is helping her and she is in a "recovery" environment working on getting better, 20 more yoga lessons might be a nice gift. Perhaps it could be an advance birthday or Christmas gift, if you give at those times. Or...perhaps she could help you with chores around your house and earn the lessons that way.

But then....I read that she "asked you for money for pole dancing lessons"...and call me judgemental (I sure try not to be) but I thought that maybe this gal needs to start taking care of herself.

So it's a toss up.

Okay, Regis, this is my final answer...I think...if you are comfortable with the Yoga lesson arrangement and it makes YOU feel better to do this for her, and she is actually attending and not cashing in the lessons for money...then yes, I think if I were in your shoes I might do it. And let her finish the 6 lessons left before adding more to the pile. A lot can happen between now and when these lessons are done.

At some point she will have to take care of herself, it seems she is very close to that time. Please be prepared to let go completely when that time comes. Let her make her own decisions, however bad they may be. This is her journey and her lessons to learn.

Keeping you and her in my prayers, that she stays on a good path and finds a better life.

hopeful4

My thought process is that it's Christmas soon. It would be a lovely Christmas gift to give her. I know yoga certainly has it's healing components.

I would absolutely not give her ANYTHING else, but myself, yes, I would give her the yoga classes.

Just my two cents friend.

Troubledone

Ann and hopeful

thank you SO MUCH for you input.

I hadn't though about letting the 6 play out to buy time and then deciding then. You are right - a lot can happen pro or con in the two weeks it will take to use up another 6.

I know she isn't cashing these in for money because they are non refundable and non transferable - and she goes with me most times. sometimes she takes the bus by herself - which is good practice for the future.

I do get something out of it - I practice letting go while being in relationship with her. And I do see her getting physically stronger and noticing how her habits affect her practice. When we are in class together I've learned to stay focused on my own practice and not even look over to see how she's doing - just letting her have her own experience. And yes, I WILL need to let go at some point completely.

My thought was, do this for this time - and let her know after this 20, it will be up to her. It should get her through this program (ends in Jan) when she'll move to a supervised apartment situation and probably won't live very close to me (so she can be close to the bus system and maybe work).

This might be one good way for us both to experience some sort of process of renegotiating our relationship (I do nothing else for her except yoga and an occasional meal together). And when she moves and this is complete, if she stays on track, she will be able to figure the rest out. When she has a strong practice she is able to practice on her own also.

If she does not stay on track, with her stay of commitment (she chose treatment and supervision over being committed), the system will take it from there anyway.

Thanks for your thoughts - really helps a LOT!!!!

hopeful4

I think it's kind and thoughtful what you are doing. I know you love her, and that you are making tough decisions out of love. I always read how exercise and relaxation techniques are very good for recovery, so I have to support your doing this. I also know how hard it is to have to second guess every dime spent, so since this is something she cannot do anything with except use, that is great.

You are doing a great job sweet Aunt!

Walkedon

I think its okay to pay yoga.It makes her feel better,maybe she will make better choices.
I'm in a similar situation with my daughter. She is still sober but struggling .
It's like pushing a rope.

Ann

Thinking more on this, and any form of giving...and I am talking about giving things that cannot be sold or traded for drugs, but like the Yoga lessons here...there are two questions I would ask myself.

1. Will doing this make me feel good, am I giving anything up or facing financial hardship to do it?

2. Is she/he working a program of recovery, leading a clean life (by all appearances and actions) and will this help them feel good about themselves and their recovery.

If the answer is "good for me and good for them too", it sounds like a safe and nice thing to do.

Sometimes it is just good to do something nice for someone....no strings or motives attached.

Bobbieka

I'm so glad she has you.

Troubledone

Thanks to all - It does make me feel better and her too - and she does seem to be working her program.

Thanks for helping find clarity - and knowing that things like this count - and her sobriety is still up to her.

Thanks all!!!!!

cece1960

Just a thought: Does the YMCA offer yoga? Many do.

Hawkeye13

Yes to the yoga--it is so healing.

I like the idea of giving it as a Christmas gift.

It is a good way for you two to have positive interaction as well.