Narcissists hate to be left....
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Narcissists hate to be left....
So I'm at a training course this weekend and one of the topics today is Narcissism, recognising it etc.
One of the points that came up was that they can leave a relationship easily, but hate to be left! In fact it can cause immense rage in them. It tips the power balance.
This substantiates all my instincts around what happened in my previous relationship. I walked out on him during an episode where I felt he may get violent (he was using cocaine).
My gut tells me this is the reason I received no apology for any of the behaviour and also why I haven't heard from him in over 3 and half months. He was a narcissist ( which I had gathered anyway) and the worst thing I could do to him was walk out on him. How dare I would had always serviced his every need do that to a grandiose narcissist. A normal person who had done similar would recognise they had messed up, gone on a binge, treated me appallingly but would be able to apologise and feel bad. That's the disconnect for me. I'm expecting decent behaviour from a narcissist who's main thing is they hate being left! This is also why in my weak moments I have questioned whether I should have left him or not that night! My gut knew that although I was saving myself, I was at the same time killing the relationship! How dreadful that choice was to have to make. Makes a whole lot of sense now. He will never forgive me for that and now I know why.
So I'm wondering if you have experience of this "leaving" the narcissist and how they hate it. Not looking for advice, but experiences you have of this. It would really help me to relate. Apparently narcissistic rage is what it's called. They hate being left.
One of the points that came up was that they can leave a relationship easily, but hate to be left! In fact it can cause immense rage in them. It tips the power balance.
This substantiates all my instincts around what happened in my previous relationship. I walked out on him during an episode where I felt he may get violent (he was using cocaine).
My gut tells me this is the reason I received no apology for any of the behaviour and also why I haven't heard from him in over 3 and half months. He was a narcissist ( which I had gathered anyway) and the worst thing I could do to him was walk out on him. How dare I would had always serviced his every need do that to a grandiose narcissist. A normal person who had done similar would recognise they had messed up, gone on a binge, treated me appallingly but would be able to apologise and feel bad. That's the disconnect for me. I'm expecting decent behaviour from a narcissist who's main thing is they hate being left! This is also why in my weak moments I have questioned whether I should have left him or not that night! My gut knew that although I was saving myself, I was at the same time killing the relationship! How dreadful that choice was to have to make. Makes a whole lot of sense now. He will never forgive me for that and now I know why.
So I'm wondering if you have experience of this "leaving" the narcissist and how they hate it. Not looking for advice, but experiences you have of this. It would really help me to relate. Apparently narcissistic rage is what it's called. They hate being left.
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Join Date: Mar 2018
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Yup. I left my husband a year and a half ago . Never heard from him. Never heard from his family. I was married for 6 years. They put me out like a dead fly from their lives and my divorce has been a nightmare. Never any realization of what went wrong even after listening to audio recordings of him verbally abusing me. His power over me ended that day and he hates it. He hates that I am slowly moving on without him and I am doing ok . I even tried contacting him via email after I left but I never heard back ever. In fact those emails are being used against me in the divorce . There is no accountability. None whatsoever.
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The title explains very easily the situation I'm in with CPS.
The Universe works in amazing ways. I'm strengthening my voice, my values, my inner joy. One step at a time. I know who I am. I'm allowing each day to guide me and having a great amount of fun in it.
This past year I'm starting to realize everything that is meant to come back to me does. I've finding playfulness, energy and hope.
To note, my husband who is alcoholic is not narcissistic. Alcoholics may develop narcissistic behaviors in their illness. More is always revealed. I have a new perspective of my FOO, which is full of very strong narcissistic behaviors, and not alcoholic. I'm grateful for my changed perceptions and new direction.
I was told the best way to irritate a narcissist is to have a good life. I'm okay with that. I'm healing quickly.
The Universe works in amazing ways. I'm strengthening my voice, my values, my inner joy. One step at a time. I know who I am. I'm allowing each day to guide me and having a great amount of fun in it.
This past year I'm starting to realize everything that is meant to come back to me does. I've finding playfulness, energy and hope.
To note, my husband who is alcoholic is not narcissistic. Alcoholics may develop narcissistic behaviors in their illness. More is always revealed. I have a new perspective of my FOO, which is full of very strong narcissistic behaviors, and not alcoholic. I'm grateful for my changed perceptions and new direction.
I was told the best way to irritate a narcissist is to have a good life. I'm okay with that. I'm healing quickly.
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A normal person who had done similar would recognise they had messed up, gone on a binge, treated me appallingly but would be able to apologise and feel bad.
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Join Date: Feb 2017
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Yes they do indeed hate to be left. My mother is a narcissist. When my sister decided she was going to just not answer the phone one day, there was a massive explosion of narcissistic rage (which I believe is triggered when their narcissistic supply (you) decide to leave or stand up to them) in an attempt to bring her to heel. More than 40 phonecalls, horrible voicemails, suicide threats, and when it became clear that for once in 20 years that this technique wasn’t going to work?
No contact from the mother. I still have low level contact as it’s more convenient for me, but would be no contact if I were brave enough!
Speaking with 20 years experience of having a narcissistic parent (and a sprinkling of therapy) I can confirm that, whilst capable of being extremely charming, it is not possible to have a real relationship with them. They are shallow, self centred and ultimately don’t view as a human, but rather as an extension of themselves.
Theyre best avoided, particularly if you’re related to them!
No contact from the mother. I still have low level contact as it’s more convenient for me, but would be no contact if I were brave enough!
Speaking with 20 years experience of having a narcissistic parent (and a sprinkling of therapy) I can confirm that, whilst capable of being extremely charming, it is not possible to have a real relationship with them. They are shallow, self centred and ultimately don’t view as a human, but rather as an extension of themselves.
Theyre best avoided, particularly if you’re related to them!
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Originally Posted by Kiwidub 
Yes they do indeed hate to be left. My mother is a narcissist. When my sister decided she was going to just not answer the phone one day, there was a massive explosion of narcissistic rage (which I believe is triggered when their narcissistic supply (you) decide to leave or stand up to them) in an attempt to bring her to heel. More than 40 phonecalls, horrible voicemails, suicide threats, and when it became clear that for once in 20 years that this technique wasn’t going to work?
No contact from the mother. I still have low level contact as it’s more convenient for me, but would be no contact if I were brave enough!
Speaking with 20 years experience of having a narcissistic parent (and a sprinkling of therapy) I can confirm that, whilst capable of being extremely charming, it is not possible to have a real relationship with them. They are shallow, self centred and ultimately don’t view as a human, but rather as an extension of themselves.
Theyre best avoided, particularly if you’re related to them!
No contact from the mother. I still have low level contact as it’s more convenient for me, but would be no contact if I were brave enough!
Speaking with 20 years experience of having a narcissistic parent (and a sprinkling of therapy) I can confirm that, whilst capable of being extremely charming, it is not possible to have a real relationship with them. They are shallow, self centred and ultimately don’t view as a human, but rather as an extension of themselves.
Theyre best avoided, particularly if you’re related to them!
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Originally Posted by Raindrops
Yup. I left my husband a year and a half ago . Never heard from him. Never heard from his family. I was married for 6 years. They put me out like a dead fly from their lives and my divorce has been a nightmare. Never any realization of what went wrong even after listening to audio recordings of him verbally abusing me. His power over me ended that day and he hates it. He hates that I am slowly moving on without him and I am doing ok . I even tried contacting him via email after I left but I never heard back ever. In fact those emails are being used against me in the divorce . There is no accountability. None whatsoever.
The not hearing from them part apparently is because "they want you to suffer. And that is exactly what they imagine is happening in their absence. They get more narcissistic supplies for their shaky self-esteem by cutting you off totally, than they ever get in a real relationship".
Horrible.
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AXH has never been diagnosed as a narcissist, but I definitely see a lot of similarities between some of his behaviors and the definition. I'd left AXH a few years before I finally filed for divorce. The original intent was for both of us to get help and then try again. I went for counseling. He, apparently, "dated" - a lot - and then moved in with another girl.
When it finally sunk in that she was not "a landlord" like he kept saying, and that he was still drinking, and not about to change, I finally filed for divorce. He was livid. He raged about how dare I trash our marriage? who did I think I was? He made threats. He would show up at stores where I was shopping - places where I'd never seen him before. All four of my tires were flattened one day. I ended up filing for a protective order and trading in my very unique little "Hot Lava" car for a dark grey Subaru that matched at least 10 others in the parking lot at work and a ton on the roads.
When it finally sunk in that she was not "a landlord" like he kept saying, and that he was still drinking, and not about to change, I finally filed for divorce. He was livid. He raged about how dare I trash our marriage? who did I think I was? He made threats. He would show up at stores where I was shopping - places where I'd never seen him before. All four of my tires were flattened one day. I ended up filing for a protective order and trading in my very unique little "Hot Lava" car for a dark grey Subaru that matched at least 10 others in the parking lot at work and a ton on the roads.
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I left my NPD after a whirlwind courtship, pregnancy, and marriage. I was with him for just a few years. He would tell me tall tales that I believed at the time. He had definite issues with women. He would talk about killing his ex. She was a dumb c***. By the end of our marriage, I was a "worthless c***". He could never keep a job for very long, but he'd quit before he got fired. It would always be in some altruistic manner that made him look good when he told the story.
When I left him, it sparked a rage that has persisted through the years. He has consistently put me down to our daughter, telling her that I perform sex acts all over town, telling her that I'm a *****, telling her about the sex that we had (or made up sex), even offering to buy her poison to help kill me. Any professional I've relayed this to has just looked at me with their mouths agape. The craziness is real.
From everything I've read, the loathing that a NPD can develop to a person that dares to leave them can be life-lasting. Their fragile little egos can't stand or fathom the idea that someone wouldn't want to be an extension of them. Everything in their world is an extension or possession.
When I left him, it sparked a rage that has persisted through the years. He has consistently put me down to our daughter, telling her that I perform sex acts all over town, telling her that I'm a *****, telling her about the sex that we had (or made up sex), even offering to buy her poison to help kill me. Any professional I've relayed this to has just looked at me with their mouths agape. The craziness is real.
From everything I've read, the loathing that a NPD can develop to a person that dares to leave them can be life-lasting. Their fragile little egos can't stand or fathom the idea that someone wouldn't want to be an extension of them. Everything in their world is an extension or possession.
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My XAH I believe is a narcissist, and he absolutely became ENRAGED when I left (or rather kicked him out). He still gets into rages about it 4.5 years later if given the opportunity, which is on of the reasons why I have very, very, little contact w/him. I have to have some b/c we share children, but I will only speak to him about our children, and only it's a constructive conversation. If not, silence.
He absolutely will not accept that he did anything wrong, as anyone with a personality disorder will not. It usto make me crazy the way he deflected everything wrong in his life to me. He still does that too LOL, I just could not care less. You see, he makes excuses for ANY behaviors he has done in his life. He literally blames every single thing on someone else. No matter what. It's pretty classic NPD.
The sad thing is that if you do any research, you will realize that people with a personality disorder very rarely change. They have to recognize it (which normally never happens), be willing to get long term treatment for it, and apply that treatment for the rest of their lives. So the recovery rate is very, very low. Almost impossible.
I have tried to educate my children on this topic in the hopes they will not pick pick a partner in their lives with these issues. It's a setup for a life of heartbreak, especially if you procreate with said person.
He absolutely will not accept that he did anything wrong, as anyone with a personality disorder will not. It usto make me crazy the way he deflected everything wrong in his life to me. He still does that too LOL, I just could not care less. You see, he makes excuses for ANY behaviors he has done in his life. He literally blames every single thing on someone else. No matter what. It's pretty classic NPD.
The sad thing is that if you do any research, you will realize that people with a personality disorder very rarely change. They have to recognize it (which normally never happens), be willing to get long term treatment for it, and apply that treatment for the rest of their lives. So the recovery rate is very, very low. Almost impossible.
I have tried to educate my children on this topic in the hopes they will not pick pick a partner in their lives with these issues. It's a setup for a life of heartbreak, especially if you procreate with said person.
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Hopeful, you have described my ex and our break-up with eerie accuracy. When he was starting to literally endanger the life of our infant daughter, I asked him to leave. His reaction? Pure and intense rage. I couldn't believe it. Over a year later, he still protects himself with that rage, telling anyone who will listen about how I took his baby away and ruined his life. It's the worst kind of self-preservation mechanism.
Maybe this is why my ex ran off the L.A., so he could feel like he was leaving us instead of the other way around.
Maybe this is why my ex ran off the L.A., so he could feel like he was leaving us instead of the other way around.
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I have family experience with narcissistic rage. When I tried to go low contact with some family members and they were told by another family member what I was doing, they turned the tables and went no contact with me but said it was for another reason.
In hindsight, I see that narcissists must be the one in control at all times, for every little thing. The fact that *I* was trying to make my own decision about our relationship left them full of rage because I'm guessing it bruised their pride and ego.
I don't know if that helps, but I hope it does.
In hindsight, I see that narcissists must be the one in control at all times, for every little thing. The fact that *I* was trying to make my own decision about our relationship left them full of rage because I'm guessing it bruised their pride and ego.
I don't know if that helps, but I hope it does.
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I left my XABF a little over 3 months ago and it has been hell. I have maintained in civil, sometimes even friendly, contact with some of my other ex’s because we were mature adults, but I’ve had to go no-contact and even block this one from ALL forms of communication.
It doesn’t really matter why I allowed contact at first, but he would be fine for a couple of days, then get drunk and start in on how he just wants a chance, how he loves me and doesn’t understand why I left him, and try to get me to come back.
Just like the relationship, when he started to accept I wasn’t coming back his drunk texts would turn nasty. I was the one with problems, I was the one who “led him on”, I Was the reason he drank.
The last straw for me was when he texted yet again, going off in a rage against me for not taking him back. He ended up calling and we argued. He said the most horrible things anyone has ever said to me, and when I told him he was being abusive he jumped at the chance to tell me he has never been bad to me - he’s never raised a hand to me! I said emotional abuse can hurt just as bad, if not worse, and he interrupted me with, “Oh, Now you’re going to start with the ‘words hurt worse than fists b.s.’ Give me a break.” I hung up on him.
He called back immediately. I answered the phone with “F#!% you!” and hung up. Not my most shining moment, I admit.
I texted him that he would NEVER talk to me again and blocked him from everything.
2 days ago while outside work with a coworker I saw his vehicle enter the parking lot, turn around, and leave. I asked a mutual friend to please let him know if I ever saw it again I would file a PPO. She hasn’t talked to him yet, but she says she will tell him if he contacts her again.
I am in no way afraid of him - he has always been a coward - but it makes me very angry.
So, yeah, he’s one of those narcissists that cannot accept that he has been rejected. He refuses to believe I’m gone and even said that I won’t see him because I am “still in love with him and afraid I will have sex with him if we see each other.” He then called me a regular horn dog and a **** (the same conversation as above).
my life since blocking him has been awesome! No stress, no anxiety, no anger. At least none because of him!
It doesn’t really matter why I allowed contact at first, but he would be fine for a couple of days, then get drunk and start in on how he just wants a chance, how he loves me and doesn’t understand why I left him, and try to get me to come back.
Just like the relationship, when he started to accept I wasn’t coming back his drunk texts would turn nasty. I was the one with problems, I was the one who “led him on”, I Was the reason he drank.
The last straw for me was when he texted yet again, going off in a rage against me for not taking him back. He ended up calling and we argued. He said the most horrible things anyone has ever said to me, and when I told him he was being abusive he jumped at the chance to tell me he has never been bad to me - he’s never raised a hand to me! I said emotional abuse can hurt just as bad, if not worse, and he interrupted me with, “Oh, Now you’re going to start with the ‘words hurt worse than fists b.s.’ Give me a break.” I hung up on him.
He called back immediately. I answered the phone with “F#!% you!” and hung up. Not my most shining moment, I admit.
I texted him that he would NEVER talk to me again and blocked him from everything.
2 days ago while outside work with a coworker I saw his vehicle enter the parking lot, turn around, and leave. I asked a mutual friend to please let him know if I ever saw it again I would file a PPO. She hasn’t talked to him yet, but she says she will tell him if he contacts her again.
I am in no way afraid of him - he has always been a coward - but it makes me very angry.
So, yeah, he’s one of those narcissists that cannot accept that he has been rejected. He refuses to believe I’m gone and even said that I won’t see him because I am “still in love with him and afraid I will have sex with him if we see each other.” He then called me a regular horn dog and a **** (the same conversation as above).
my life since blocking him has been awesome! No stress, no anxiety, no anger. At least none because of him!
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So odd I received a couple of texts last night from a friend reading an article about narcissist and she was saying OMG this is totally your AH. Every behavior and the reasons for it (elevate themselves, admiration, punishment etc.) I have seen this for quite sometime but it was nice to have someone send me that out of the blue and say wow I see this in him. So the leaving a narc is intense. They cannot believe you are the one who left, they make no connection between treating people like crap and then people leaving. Its like they are entitled for you to be in their life under their conditions. The worst part is now my kids are the target of the rage and obsession (control). I am just thankful that for now they see it for what it is, an addicted person with some mental issues that desperately need to be addressed.
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Unfortunately, for my older child who is now a young adult, it's worse. He has nothing he can control about her, and it makes him obsessive. It drives him crazy. He literally cyber stalks her in the hopes he can find something about her life to criticize. It's sad and disgusting. As my younger child grows, it will be the same I am sure. Luckily they have had many years of counseling and can recognize this for what it is.
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leaving a narc is intense. They cannot believe you are the one who left, they make no connection between treating people like crap and then people leaving. Its like they are entitled for you to be in their life under their conditions.
Conversations like this thread are absolutely wonderful timing for me right now. So much of it I relate to with my non-alcoholic FOO. More clarity from this statement and a lot of validation I've been receiving here, from other sources and internally are all playing a part in creating a strategic plan for peace, growth and healing in my own life. Family is more than blood ties.
Conversations like this thread are absolutely wonderful timing for me right now. So much of it I relate to with my non-alcoholic FOO. More clarity from this statement and a lot of validation I've been receiving here, from other sources and internally are all playing a part in creating a strategic plan for peace, growth and healing in my own life. Family is more than blood ties.
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Wow, this is exactly the behavior of my AXH. I filed for divorce June 1 after 20 yrs of marriage and it has been the most traumatic emotional roller coaster for me since then. How dare I file without any warning to him (even though I've asked him to stop drinking for 8 years and confronted him about finding hidden bottles for months just before and he mocked me). And what a back stabbing snake I was for taking all of HIS money he worked so hard for during our marriage (I also work full time and make a very decent income). All of these comments are spot on as to his behavior. He was so nasty and tried to make me feel like a horrible person - and believe me it worked a lot. And how he would never forgive me for making him miss time with his daughter during her last year at home (she's a HS senior). He piled it on. While at the same time every couple of weeks asking if I really wanted a divorce. Jekyll and Hyde. But mostly being really ugly and nasty and making me feel like crap. But then asking if I would be open to reconciling. Seriously? So fast forward to a few weeks ago, he asks me if he goes to treatment would I consider moving to a new house with him. WHAT? After the way you have been treating me ? And all he has done since June is yell at me about how much of HIS money I am taking. Never once that he loves me, he is sorry, no acknowledgement. Now he keeps calling, texting me, really pressuring me to communicate. Asking if I will go to Family Night. Really - you couldn't have done this a year ago? But I am not sure I believe he is sincere in his motivations. I think he really just doesn't like living alone. I don't think he really believes he has a drinking problem, and I don't think his treatment of me will change. But he plays on my weakness, my tendencies to guilt, and my loneliness. I have to keep reading these posts, it helps me see the reality of what I am dealing with, because I am not unique and he is not.
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I knew a couple of guys like this. One in particular, but looking back, I’m pretty sure he was borderline. Not to arm chair diagnose, I’m generally not of fan of doing that; I know he had severe childhood trauma and there was probably some complex PTSD, and some other things, going on there. But boy, could he dish it out, but not be able to take it. He had so many traits in this article. It’s long, but if anyone is interested, the author goes into lengthy detail about what to watch out for:
THE MALE BORDERLINE - Surviving the Crash after your Crush
THE MALE BORDERLINE - Surviving the Crash after your Crush
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