Off topic, but I have to talk about this.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: North East, USA
Posts: 704
Off topic, but I have to talk about this.
I've been ho humming along, 16 months sober, things going quite well. I started dating a fellow addict/alcoholic with a week less sober than myself back in May. I left him last Sunday bc I realized that to him I'm not "her". I think we've both being using eachother to combat loneliness. I was ok with the break up. Still am, but as it turns out, I am pregnant. I tested Thursday.
I cannot have this child. I had severe health issues when pregnant with my 14 year old and was advised against having another child then or risk.my life or potentially have brain surgery.
I would like to say that I am not considering a drink, not even for a second. I have no delusions about alcohol and how it will kill me and ruin this great new life I've built. That said, I feel incredibly guilty about the circumstance and terminating the pregnancy. I am alone. I have told my Sponsor and she has been wonderful, but I am not trying to burden her as she just had a major surgery.
I am staying very busy at work, which helps but I'm unsure it's healthy to just refuse to think about this. To disassociate is not good, I've had plenty of therapy through out my life. I know this.
The worst part is that I would give everything to have my 14 year old daughter back and I cant right now and I'm in this position that makes me want to cry a river but iI' trying to stiff lip it. I dont want to dwell in that pity pot or get myself worked up.
I very much got myself into this situation. I own that. I know it is my right to terminate this pregnancy but it still feels awful. Really awful.
I did tell the father, and he's kind of at a loss for words. I'm not mad at him, I dont want to jeopardize his sobriety so I'm keeping my distance. Honestly all I'm doing is working, eating the entire contents of the kitchen and falling asleep at 7 pm.
My appointment is next Friday.
I just could use some support and you guys are the best, bar none for that, this I know.
Thanks for allowing me to vent, whether you agree with my choice or not, I just needed to get this off my chest.
Jules
I cannot have this child. I had severe health issues when pregnant with my 14 year old and was advised against having another child then or risk.my life or potentially have brain surgery.
I would like to say that I am not considering a drink, not even for a second. I have no delusions about alcohol and how it will kill me and ruin this great new life I've built. That said, I feel incredibly guilty about the circumstance and terminating the pregnancy. I am alone. I have told my Sponsor and she has been wonderful, but I am not trying to burden her as she just had a major surgery.
I am staying very busy at work, which helps but I'm unsure it's healthy to just refuse to think about this. To disassociate is not good, I've had plenty of therapy through out my life. I know this.
The worst part is that I would give everything to have my 14 year old daughter back and I cant right now and I'm in this position that makes me want to cry a river but iI' trying to stiff lip it. I dont want to dwell in that pity pot or get myself worked up.
I very much got myself into this situation. I own that. I know it is my right to terminate this pregnancy but it still feels awful. Really awful.
I did tell the father, and he's kind of at a loss for words. I'm not mad at him, I dont want to jeopardize his sobriety so I'm keeping my distance. Honestly all I'm doing is working, eating the entire contents of the kitchen and falling asleep at 7 pm.
My appointment is next Friday.
I just could use some support and you guys are the best, bar none for that, this I know.
Thanks for allowing me to vent, whether you agree with my choice or not, I just needed to get this off my chest.
Jules
Ocean Lover!
Join Date: Apr 2018
Location: You know nothing Jon Snow - UK
Posts: 2,604
Hey Jules, sorry for the current situation you are facing, it's a lot to process and take on by yourself. You need to choose what is the best for you and your sobriety and family. This is a tough decision and there is no shame as far as I am concerned if you choose not to continue with the pregnancy.
Maybe doing an ABC on how your feeling will help you get some clarity on your thoughts and feelings and also quash any distorted thinking that might affect your appraoch. Try not to worry about what anyone else thinks and don't be negative or down towards yourself. You have come so far in the last 16 months and you should be very proud of that, stay proud and strong! xx
Maybe doing an ABC on how your feeling will help you get some clarity on your thoughts and feelings and also quash any distorted thinking that might affect your appraoch. Try not to worry about what anyone else thinks and don't be negative or down towards yourself. You have come so far in the last 16 months and you should be very proud of that, stay proud and strong! xx
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 782
Just a different perspective. If there is some guilt involved perhaps you could think about whether this is something you really want to do. Maybe a part of you wants to take a go at it? If so, think a little more and maybe talk to an ObGyn?
in any event, what you decide is entirely up to you. No judgment.
in any event, what you decide is entirely up to you. No judgment.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
Oh Jules, what a horrible situation you are in. I am so sorry and send you all my love and many prayers. I too had to terminate a pregnancy due to medical reasons. I only ever talked about it in the women's forum but feel the need to speak up about it here, for you. I have a very thin uterus, paper thin and after my second child the doctors told me I should never get pregnant again. Despite being on birth control I ended up pregnant. I went to my doctor and she told me that there was already a rip in my uterus and that if I wished to continue the pregnancy I would need to be on bed rest, in the hospital for the remainder of the time (I was only 10 weeks at the time) and that both the baby's and my life was at risk. I had an abortion. I knew it was the right thing to do but it still was very emotional and difficult. This sounds stupid compared to the pain, but I planted a tree in my yard for the baby. The tree is currently sick nd dying but I have brought in tree specialists to work on it. I feel like the tree dying is punishment for me but I will do anything to take care of it.
God, this has been an awful share, nothing to help you, just whining about my own situation. But I just want you to know you are not alone.
God, this has been an awful share, nothing to help you, just whining about my own situation. But I just want you to know you are not alone.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Sounds to me like you are doing the only thing you can. Obviously if childbirth is a deadly venture for you there is no other option.
Pls while you are there, discuss other birth control options with the dr. Maybe permanent ones. Since you can't have children ever maybe an ablation or an IUD? That way you never have to make this painful choice again.
Try no to awfulize. Sometimes very difficult decisions need to be made...ones where the outcome isn't good no matter what you do. But that is life. I'll be thinking of you.
Pls while you are there, discuss other birth control options with the dr. Maybe permanent ones. Since you can't have children ever maybe an ablation or an IUD? That way you never have to make this painful choice again.
Try no to awfulize. Sometimes very difficult decisions need to be made...ones where the outcome isn't good no matter what you do. But that is life. I'll be thinking of you.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
Jules, I'm sorry that you are facing such a tough decision. It must be very emotional and I'm glad that you are posting and thinking it over. This is your decision to make, as the mother, though I'm sure it's hard for you.
We are here for you and we'll be here for you on Friday. You are sober and strong and you will get through this. We can do hard things.
We are here for you and we'll be here for you on Friday. You are sober and strong and you will get through this. We can do hard things.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: North East, USA
Posts: 704
Thank you all so very much for taking the time and for being both astute and tender. You all are the creme de la creme!
I spoke more with the father. He's very supportive. He offered to come by but I passed. I am firm in my resolve to leave that man alone. Last thing I need is for him to try anything other than comforting me. I'd prefer to leave him in memory with non piggy status. He's a moron to pass up a girl so jazzed about sobriety who has not lost her $%!€ in light of this circumstance, but that's on him. Someday I will get what I give. Right now I need a big break.
I had a decent cry in the car on the way home. I do daily. It's when I wish I could pick my daughter up and make us dinner and tuck her in most. Or on Saturday nights when the sting of being single stings a tad too much.
There are a lot of lessons in this. Hard, true to life lessons here. Things that would be a hundred thousand times worse drunk. Things that on the otherside I will feel deep gratitude for having dealt with without a drop of alcohol. Proudly it is no longer my solution, merely a severe trouble maker that wants me dead. At the very least I think I now know I have got to forget dating for a bit. Be comfortable with the lonliness. Get more comfortable with me. If I want to wander tiny towns and take photos and eat at boutique restaurants I can actually do that by myself. Someday that will end with a romp in the hay and that will turn into bickering over toothpaste...but its not right now and I have to be ok witw that. Typical addict who wants what she wants when she wants it. Ive been bargaining if I cant have my child why cant I have my person. Evidently because I cant right this second. This circumstance has certainly stopped me in my tracks. I need to do an about face.
On the other hand I wonder if im handling it too well. Will it catch up with me? Make a drink look good down the road? I hope not. I think posting and talking with my sponsor, not losing sight of meetings will be instrumental to preventing that. Hope just being aware of this good for something! Oy, the hormones! Lol.
For now I'm tucking into a bowl of steamy pasta & snuggling my dog. I am having to give her up soon. I should really revel in her company as she's been one of a beast to me. With me so sick in my disease, instrumental to my sobriety in so many ways. A thousand dog walks in those first 90 days.
Thank you all again. I am so grateful to be able to come here and be heard and helped! Truly a gift. Have a good weekend.
Jules
I spoke more with the father. He's very supportive. He offered to come by but I passed. I am firm in my resolve to leave that man alone. Last thing I need is for him to try anything other than comforting me. I'd prefer to leave him in memory with non piggy status. He's a moron to pass up a girl so jazzed about sobriety who has not lost her $%!€ in light of this circumstance, but that's on him. Someday I will get what I give. Right now I need a big break.
I had a decent cry in the car on the way home. I do daily. It's when I wish I could pick my daughter up and make us dinner and tuck her in most. Or on Saturday nights when the sting of being single stings a tad too much.
There are a lot of lessons in this. Hard, true to life lessons here. Things that would be a hundred thousand times worse drunk. Things that on the otherside I will feel deep gratitude for having dealt with without a drop of alcohol. Proudly it is no longer my solution, merely a severe trouble maker that wants me dead. At the very least I think I now know I have got to forget dating for a bit. Be comfortable with the lonliness. Get more comfortable with me. If I want to wander tiny towns and take photos and eat at boutique restaurants I can actually do that by myself. Someday that will end with a romp in the hay and that will turn into bickering over toothpaste...but its not right now and I have to be ok witw that. Typical addict who wants what she wants when she wants it. Ive been bargaining if I cant have my child why cant I have my person. Evidently because I cant right this second. This circumstance has certainly stopped me in my tracks. I need to do an about face.
On the other hand I wonder if im handling it too well. Will it catch up with me? Make a drink look good down the road? I hope not. I think posting and talking with my sponsor, not losing sight of meetings will be instrumental to preventing that. Hope just being aware of this good for something! Oy, the hormones! Lol.
For now I'm tucking into a bowl of steamy pasta & snuggling my dog. I am having to give her up soon. I should really revel in her company as she's been one of a beast to me. With me so sick in my disease, instrumental to my sobriety in so many ways. A thousand dog walks in those first 90 days.
Thank you all again. I am so grateful to be able to come here and be heard and helped! Truly a gift. Have a good weekend.
Jules
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: here, now.
Posts: 1,236
I’ve been where you are and I understand. I made my decision and went to the dr as fast as I could, to get it done. It’s excrutiating to use any more time than you need.
Don’t turn down any help right now. You’re not responsible for anyone else’s state of mind. If anyone is concerned about someone else’s sobriety, it could be your ex who could be thinking about you. You’re the one who is physically bearing this burden.
So much love to you.
Don’t turn down any help right now. You’re not responsible for anyone else’s state of mind. If anyone is concerned about someone else’s sobriety, it could be your ex who could be thinking about you. You’re the one who is physically bearing this burden.
So much love to you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 154
I have been the guy in this situation. Had a short term situation, we broke up, she became pregnant and reached out with her decision. I also have family members who have terminated. Both the ex and my family have communicated similar thoughts about how difficult it was, so I feel for you.
As unfortunate as it is, you seem to be navigating this well. It's a testament to your character. Glad you're riding it out sober and utilizing this community. We are here for you.
As unfortunate as it is, you seem to be navigating this well. It's a testament to your character. Glad you're riding it out sober and utilizing this community. We are here for you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: North East, USA
Posts: 704
Thank you.
He is being very supportive. Texting. Calling. Offering to go with me. Offering to come by my place. Let him know if I need anything. I just cant be around him right now.
I can be one who does care about his sobriety but it has to be from afar. Hes a good man, we have good chemistry, the enthusiasm for sobriety and life which leads to long passionate conversations and it lights a spark for me, but apprently not enough for him. So he's behind me and I don't go backwards anymore. It's a gift I can walk away and not look back. I may physically feel alllll off, but spirituality I feel growth and I feel so strong.
I went to a meeting this AM. I didn't want to but I felt better hearing others share. Gaining more perspective and soaking in more knowledge. Being comforted by the familiar faces whom I have come to love and who I know care deeply for me. Identifying with my group of misfit toys is good.
Being able to come home, check in here and find myself feeling more love?! Pinch me! These are precious gifts. Gifts of sobriety. Thank you.
Anna said something great & I am paraphrasing...we do hard things. Indeed we do! Sober and together. Yay.
xx
Jules
He is being very supportive. Texting. Calling. Offering to go with me. Offering to come by my place. Let him know if I need anything. I just cant be around him right now.
I can be one who does care about his sobriety but it has to be from afar. Hes a good man, we have good chemistry, the enthusiasm for sobriety and life which leads to long passionate conversations and it lights a spark for me, but apprently not enough for him. So he's behind me and I don't go backwards anymore. It's a gift I can walk away and not look back. I may physically feel alllll off, but spirituality I feel growth and I feel so strong.
I went to a meeting this AM. I didn't want to but I felt better hearing others share. Gaining more perspective and soaking in more knowledge. Being comforted by the familiar faces whom I have come to love and who I know care deeply for me. Identifying with my group of misfit toys is good.
Being able to come home, check in here and find myself feeling more love?! Pinch me! These are precious gifts. Gifts of sobriety. Thank you.
Anna said something great & I am paraphrasing...we do hard things. Indeed we do! Sober and together. Yay.
xx
Jules
Member
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 154
Ha, I was the same way. As a guy, you're just not sure what to do so you offer to do as much as you can. In your particular situation, it sounds like you are making the right call with regard to distance. He'll realize that eventually.
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