Dealing with a drunk husband
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 1
Dealing with a drunk husband
After 33+ years together, I now realise that he's always been a bad drinker and that it always came first too.
I found it infuriating when I was younger and it was the cause of much distress over the years. Now, as I'm getting on a bit, things are actually worse. We never even do normal things like eat together. He goes to the pub every single day of the week/weekend and drives home drunk. He was out of work most of this year and I juggled so hard to cover everything. Then he finally started working again but I get the crumbs, if anything, after he has drank until he's drunk every night. My life is awful. In fact it is no life. I am the last to leave work each evening. I don't want to go home. Nobody in work knows because I'm ashamed. I'm jealous of everybody with their normal lives. All I ever asked for was normal. Recently, there has been a massive 2 week bender. Then I was away with work for 10 days thinking it might be different or an apology would be waiting for me when I got home. In fact, what was waiting was the same situation and I am still the one at fault who is horrible and spiteful.
How stupid and naive am I? Even now, I always have that glimmer of hope because the effort I need to make, in order to change things, is so huge that I don't know where to start.
He spends all his money in the pub, doesn't pay his bills, rarely contributes to the household bills, which I have been left to pay most of the year to the tune of thousands each month.
I recently told him I didn't want this life anymore and that I wanted us to be over. He's treating me like I'm in a bad mood. He told me I was an angry, spiteful and horrible woman. Wow! Hard to take when I have supported him through thick and thin, including using up all of my hard earned savings to keep us from sinking. I have a well paid job but nothing left from my pay after footing ALL of the bills. I can't afford to go out with my friends or simply treat myself out of money I have worked hard for.
So then I was told all I was bothered about was the money!
I have recently stopped buying his food and doing his washing, which was the only thing that sparked a response. That does not sit well with me but I am so fed up with him spending what money he has on drink and being totally taken for granted. Great, our lives are a mess and he makes sarcastic remarks because he realised I hadn't done his washing!
I'm now now very resentful, have lost all respect for him and have also lost interest in everything because what is the point? When there is a 'normal' couple of hours, on a very rare occasion, he pretends he remembers everything that's happened when he was drunk but he really does not and then denies everything. Denies that he is actually drunk most of the time anyway.
Drink comes first and it always will. I need to end this and I've just recently started to tell my family and a close friend. That was really hard to do because I don't want to make things worse for him either. We are both in our early 60's and how bad is that at this time in our lives? I need to start again on my own because I know this will never stop.
This really doesn't even begin to describe my daily life. We have the same fights and conversations so much so that I refuse to communicate about it anymore. I just cannot go over the same rubbish over and over every day for no reason because it's just only empty words. I come home to an empty house, I wait for his car to appear in the driveway and then the sniping begins as soon as he walks through the door. He then wants to 'talk' but I refuse because he is drunk but then he keeps chipping away with little comments and remarks until I snap. Why? Why any of it?
I do apologise for the length of my first post... I really had to force myself to stop, It's a sorry old state of affairs after it all. Thanks fro reading.
Where do I go from here? Everybody is telling me what I should but I don't know how to. I want to pack and go but I can't afford to pay for our house and somewhere else too. I don't want to lose the house by not continuing to pay for the mortgage (we have another 2 years to go). He has no money left to go elsewhere nor could keep up the repayments on the house.
I have to keep telling myself that I don't deserve this but I keep getting told it is me, not him and that he doesn't want to break up etc. In fact I now think that it doesn't bother him facing my anger every day when he comes home drunk again because he's completely used to it.
I could go on and on as there is so much more but I think I've probably said too much anyway.
I found it infuriating when I was younger and it was the cause of much distress over the years. Now, as I'm getting on a bit, things are actually worse. We never even do normal things like eat together. He goes to the pub every single day of the week/weekend and drives home drunk. He was out of work most of this year and I juggled so hard to cover everything. Then he finally started working again but I get the crumbs, if anything, after he has drank until he's drunk every night. My life is awful. In fact it is no life. I am the last to leave work each evening. I don't want to go home. Nobody in work knows because I'm ashamed. I'm jealous of everybody with their normal lives. All I ever asked for was normal. Recently, there has been a massive 2 week bender. Then I was away with work for 10 days thinking it might be different or an apology would be waiting for me when I got home. In fact, what was waiting was the same situation and I am still the one at fault who is horrible and spiteful.
How stupid and naive am I? Even now, I always have that glimmer of hope because the effort I need to make, in order to change things, is so huge that I don't know where to start.
He spends all his money in the pub, doesn't pay his bills, rarely contributes to the household bills, which I have been left to pay most of the year to the tune of thousands each month.
I recently told him I didn't want this life anymore and that I wanted us to be over. He's treating me like I'm in a bad mood. He told me I was an angry, spiteful and horrible woman. Wow! Hard to take when I have supported him through thick and thin, including using up all of my hard earned savings to keep us from sinking. I have a well paid job but nothing left from my pay after footing ALL of the bills. I can't afford to go out with my friends or simply treat myself out of money I have worked hard for.
So then I was told all I was bothered about was the money!
I have recently stopped buying his food and doing his washing, which was the only thing that sparked a response. That does not sit well with me but I am so fed up with him spending what money he has on drink and being totally taken for granted. Great, our lives are a mess and he makes sarcastic remarks because he realised I hadn't done his washing!
I'm now now very resentful, have lost all respect for him and have also lost interest in everything because what is the point? When there is a 'normal' couple of hours, on a very rare occasion, he pretends he remembers everything that's happened when he was drunk but he really does not and then denies everything. Denies that he is actually drunk most of the time anyway.
Drink comes first and it always will. I need to end this and I've just recently started to tell my family and a close friend. That was really hard to do because I don't want to make things worse for him either. We are both in our early 60's and how bad is that at this time in our lives? I need to start again on my own because I know this will never stop.
This really doesn't even begin to describe my daily life. We have the same fights and conversations so much so that I refuse to communicate about it anymore. I just cannot go over the same rubbish over and over every day for no reason because it's just only empty words. I come home to an empty house, I wait for his car to appear in the driveway and then the sniping begins as soon as he walks through the door. He then wants to 'talk' but I refuse because he is drunk but then he keeps chipping away with little comments and remarks until I snap. Why? Why any of it?
I do apologise for the length of my first post... I really had to force myself to stop, It's a sorry old state of affairs after it all. Thanks fro reading.
Where do I go from here? Everybody is telling me what I should but I don't know how to. I want to pack and go but I can't afford to pay for our house and somewhere else too. I don't want to lose the house by not continuing to pay for the mortgage (we have another 2 years to go). He has no money left to go elsewhere nor could keep up the repayments on the house.
I have to keep telling myself that I don't deserve this but I keep getting told it is me, not him and that he doesn't want to break up etc. In fact I now think that it doesn't bother him facing my anger every day when he comes home drunk again because he's completely used to it.
I could go on and on as there is so much more but I think I've probably said too much anyway.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 46
Hello,
I didn’t want to read and run. I’m sorry to hear about the situation with your husband. As I’m sure you already know after the experiences you describe, nobody can force an addict to change their ways.
From my own problems with alcohol I know what it’s like to be a slave to your drug of choice. I think most people with addiction problems know on some level that they’re addicted. It’s the denial which makes addiction so bizarre and insidious and baffling. Alcoholics are driven by fear - fear of carrying on drinking, fear of stopping.
Have you tried Al-Anon at all for support for yourself?
I didn’t want to read and run. I’m sorry to hear about the situation with your husband. As I’m sure you already know after the experiences you describe, nobody can force an addict to change their ways.
From my own problems with alcohol I know what it’s like to be a slave to your drug of choice. I think most people with addiction problems know on some level that they’re addicted. It’s the denial which makes addiction so bizarre and insidious and baffling. Alcoholics are driven by fear - fear of carrying on drinking, fear of stopping.
Have you tried Al-Anon at all for support for yourself?
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,497
I'm sorry for your situation, and I can see how frustrated and angry you are.
Is it worth it to stay with your husband in order to keep the house? It seems to me that, if you are fed up, then finding a place of your own would be such a relief. And, then, your husband could find a place of his own, too, and you wouldn't have to feel responsible. Consulting with a lawyer is probably a good first step.
You might like to check out AlAnon in your town as a support for you.
Is it worth it to stay with your husband in order to keep the house? It seems to me that, if you are fed up, then finding a place of your own would be such a relief. And, then, your husband could find a place of his own, too, and you wouldn't have to feel responsible. Consulting with a lawyer is probably a good first step.
You might like to check out AlAnon in your town as a support for you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 108
Hi. I can understand your frustration. I too deal with this type of behavior but it’s a bit different. There’s a friends and family section on SR. I suggest you go to that part of the forum. It has posters who are going through very similar circumstances. I’m so sorry you are going thru this. It is so hard. You may be finally at your wits end to take some action and find better quality of life. Life is so short but these emotional ties are very hard to break. You are not alone. Hugs to you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Hello and welcome.
Al-Anon is a wonderful suggestion for support for you. You are not alone in how you feel.
I also recommend getting a consult with a lawyer to really find out what your options are regarding the house should you decide that a separation is best for your emotional well being. You deserve some peace, and you don’t have to wait for someone else to give it to you.
Al-Anon is a wonderful suggestion for support for you. You are not alone in how you feel.
I also recommend getting a consult with a lawyer to really find out what your options are regarding the house should you decide that a separation is best for your emotional well being. You deserve some peace, and you don’t have to wait for someone else to give it to you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 78
Seems like your in a pretty horrible situation, but it also seems like you hold all the cards here. You have options he doesn't, if he doesn't stop that drink will end him. Sometimes when you are told that your to blame for things long and often enough you actually start to believe them. That doesn't make it true. Seems like he needs you a hell of a lot more than you him. You don't have to feel sorry for him, he is making you feel terrible, he doesn't pity you so why should you show remorse for him? Be strong and go and do what you need to be happier. Life is way to short for this! Hell sell the damn house split the money and get a nice little place and start smiling again! Be strong (and mean if you have too!) Laywer up and start enjoying life again!
Anyway that's my take on this
Best of luck Afteritall63!
Anyway that's my take on this
Best of luck Afteritall63!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,631
Hi and welcome Afteritall. I completely understand that you don't want to lose your house, especially with only 2 years left on the mortgage.
I agree with everyone else that said you should have a consultation with a lawyer to see where you stand. Perhaps you could refinance if he moved out and lower your payments, if you decide to divorce the house could be sold and you could find a lovely house of your own?
You have options.
We do have a Friends and Family forum here at SR and reading some of the threads there might be helpful to you (and of course posting if you wish to):
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
Also there is a stickies section at the top that contains a lot of good information, a good place to start is here:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
I agree with everyone else that said you should have a consultation with a lawyer to see where you stand. Perhaps you could refinance if he moved out and lower your payments, if you decide to divorce the house could be sold and you could find a lovely house of your own?
You have options.
We do have a Friends and Family forum here at SR and reading some of the threads there might be helpful to you (and of course posting if you wish to):
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
Also there is a stickies section at the top that contains a lot of good information, a good place to start is here:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,776
Welcome to the family. 
I hope you will look for an AlAnon meeting in your area as you could use some face to face support. I also suggest getting a lawyer to figure out your options.
I hope you will look for an AlAnon meeting in your area as you could use some face to face support. I also suggest getting a lawyer to figure out your options.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
My 'hard' advice..Sell the house,split the 'profit' and both get on with their lives. Otherwise;live in a resentfilled enviroment that's "paid for", in a couple years and hate coming home. For me, once that 'line' of resent has been crossed,there's no coming back with an open mind. I may be able to do it for a bit,but...all the 'hate'/resentment remains. Again..just what I'd do..
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: SE Arizona
Posts: 1,099
As others recommend, I’d consult an attorney. You appear to hold all of the good cards; he’s basically parasitic on you. I’m sure you have options beyond your present life, it sounds as if it is time to explore them.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
Afteritall,you are neither stupid nor naive.
you are coming to the realistic realization that your hopes for a change/ improvement are not goingto happen.
and yes, drinking comes first and foremost for an alcoholic, and that is part of alcoholism. when I got sober, I had to come to terms with having put drinking ahead of everything else, ultimately.
I hope you check out the family and friends sections farther down the forums lists and will consult a lawyer.
taking care of yourself and taking steps to improve your present and future are what I hope you will put your energy into.
you are coming to the realistic realization that your hopes for a change/ improvement are not goingto happen.
and yes, drinking comes first and foremost for an alcoholic, and that is part of alcoholism. when I got sober, I had to come to terms with having put drinking ahead of everything else, ultimately.
I hope you check out the family and friends sections farther down the forums lists and will consult a lawyer.
taking care of yourself and taking steps to improve your present and future are what I hope you will put your energy into.
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