Av
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 674
Av
It does not know time.
Just today - approaching 9 months now - I felt the tug. It's a familiar pattern - not that it happens often, but when it does it's always the same.
Imagery, emotion, nostalgia. All at once. Subtle but certain. A feeling that sits in my gut like a stone or so of weight.
"In six months" it whispers without using words. "Of course you don't really plan on staying sober for ever" it nudges... again, no words. But I recognize what it's saying with ease.
I'm lucky because I've been spending most of this time in confinement or under some level of supervision to deter me from drinking or using. But I know in the back of my mind that in a couple of short months I'll be free. My AV plays on that.
I'm probably making it sound a lot worse than it is. It's not often - but then, I know it doesn't have to be that often. It only has to get to me once.
What a ruse. I heard a line somewhere - may have been a cheesy movie - that the only thing the Devil can't stand is to be mocked. So that'll be my tactic.
I can not take these things seriously. I won't resist them, I'll let the thoughts come and go. And maybe smile a bit. Laugh out loud. And go right on living this head-scratcher of a sane life I seem to have been able to put together during a time of great duress.
Can't wait until I'm free and get to use all that I've gained from sobriety to full effect.
Thanks for the vine to ramble on.
Best-
B
Just today - approaching 9 months now - I felt the tug. It's a familiar pattern - not that it happens often, but when it does it's always the same.
Imagery, emotion, nostalgia. All at once. Subtle but certain. A feeling that sits in my gut like a stone or so of weight.
"In six months" it whispers without using words. "Of course you don't really plan on staying sober for ever" it nudges... again, no words. But I recognize what it's saying with ease.
I'm lucky because I've been spending most of this time in confinement or under some level of supervision to deter me from drinking or using. But I know in the back of my mind that in a couple of short months I'll be free. My AV plays on that.
I'm probably making it sound a lot worse than it is. It's not often - but then, I know it doesn't have to be that often. It only has to get to me once.
What a ruse. I heard a line somewhere - may have been a cheesy movie - that the only thing the Devil can't stand is to be mocked. So that'll be my tactic.
I can not take these things seriously. I won't resist them, I'll let the thoughts come and go. And maybe smile a bit. Laugh out loud. And go right on living this head-scratcher of a sane life I seem to have been able to put together during a time of great duress.
Can't wait until I'm free and get to use all that I've gained from sobriety to full effect.
Thanks for the vine to ramble on.
Best-
B
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,036
You have been an excellent example of approaching recovery in a positive and dedicate manner.
I am getting close to three years, and don't really deal with the AV, but every now and then I think " It would be nice to have a glass o wine." And about two seconds later the rational me responds "Are you out of your mind???", then the voices in my head chuckle and I get back to being happily sober.
I am getting close to three years, and don't really deal with the AV, but every now and then I think " It would be nice to have a glass o wine." And about two seconds later the rational me responds "Are you out of your mind???", then the voices in my head chuckle and I get back to being happily sober.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Big City
Posts: 3,895
What's up my guy. Good to see you posting.
You're right, it's a time-shifter this SOB. I know it's only a matter of time till mine gets a little bit more consistent and demanding. For now it's just some easily shrug nostalgia. But I imagine in your unique situation, your AV may prey upon your coming freedom and the confinement you've been suffering. It's just something to be aware of, as you certainly are.
You remain an example to me, and many others on this website, of what real strength and perseverance looks like. Keep it up and keep checking in letting us know what's up.
You're right, it's a time-shifter this SOB. I know it's only a matter of time till mine gets a little bit more consistent and demanding. For now it's just some easily shrug nostalgia. But I imagine in your unique situation, your AV may prey upon your coming freedom and the confinement you've been suffering. It's just something to be aware of, as you certainly are.
You remain an example to me, and many others on this website, of what real strength and perseverance looks like. Keep it up and keep checking in letting us know what's up.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,372
It does not know time.
but I do believe that with time, we change - and as we do, the voice becomes a whisper and then, for all intents and purposes, falls silent.
D
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