Wrapping up day 6: Gut Wrenching Day
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Wrapping up day 6: Gut Wrenching Day
So I started the IOP today. Woke up in a great mood. Aided I am sure by the anxiety med I am on. Then I had too much coffee and anxiety ramped up. Note to self. Keep away from too mich caffeine.
in any event, part of the 1st day was having an individualized counseling session to do a “psychosocial” background assessment for a treatment plan. It was gut wrenching. As many of you know, early sobriety your emotions are very raw. So I started talking about my life. I won’t go into too much detail, but I had a traumatic childhood. The strange thing I used to be able to talk about it very matter-of-fairly. But this time, all of this pain and emotion came gushing up. And al of the feelings of a core defectiveness hit me.
This was especially hard because for some reason this relapse is emotionally exhausting. Shame and guilt worse than ever before. I think it is the DWI. The jail stint. All of the disappointments I have visited on my wife. All of the disappointments I have visited on my children. All of the disappointments I have visited on myself.
I am better than this. Hell or high water I will beat this disease. I am going to get my mojo back. I want to be who I know I can be — who I really am. I have experienced great challenges and overcome many things in my life. I know the inner-strength is there. But I feel so lost right now. So weak. Not weak enough to drink.
i have a lot of issues to deal with. Mostly the past trauma and anxiety issues. I have a lot of work to do. But I will do it. I am not going back.
in any event, part of the 1st day was having an individualized counseling session to do a “psychosocial” background assessment for a treatment plan. It was gut wrenching. As many of you know, early sobriety your emotions are very raw. So I started talking about my life. I won’t go into too much detail, but I had a traumatic childhood. The strange thing I used to be able to talk about it very matter-of-fairly. But this time, all of this pain and emotion came gushing up. And al of the feelings of a core defectiveness hit me.
This was especially hard because for some reason this relapse is emotionally exhausting. Shame and guilt worse than ever before. I think it is the DWI. The jail stint. All of the disappointments I have visited on my wife. All of the disappointments I have visited on my children. All of the disappointments I have visited on myself.
I am better than this. Hell or high water I will beat this disease. I am going to get my mojo back. I want to be who I know I can be — who I really am. I have experienced great challenges and overcome many things in my life. I know the inner-strength is there. But I feel so lost right now. So weak. Not weak enough to drink.
i have a lot of issues to deal with. Mostly the past trauma and anxiety issues. I have a lot of work to do. But I will do it. I am not going back.
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Join Date: Jun 2018
Location: DC
Posts: 383
Hi Horn. I'm new to SR and wrapping up day 5 so in the same boat with you. I'm sorry this is tough for you right now, and I can really relate to some of what you said. I've caused a lot of disappointment and pain with my wife and felt tremendous guilt, shame and remorse for some of my actions and poor choices. I also have anxiety issues and drinking certainly didn't help.
I think getting counseling and treatment is a great plan and one that I've resisted, either thinking I wasn't "that bad" or I could handle this on my own. Neither is true. I joined here because, like you, I know all of us here are better than this. It takes a great deal of mental fortitude to begin this process, and I'm with you in terms of trying to deal with issues that I drowned in alcohol. It's hard, but I hear your strength and resolve to move forward, and you will.
Look forward to hearing more about your progress. Keep hanging in there.
I think getting counseling and treatment is a great plan and one that I've resisted, either thinking I wasn't "that bad" or I could handle this on my own. Neither is true. I joined here because, like you, I know all of us here are better than this. It takes a great deal of mental fortitude to begin this process, and I'm with you in terms of trying to deal with issues that I drowned in alcohol. It's hard, but I hear your strength and resolve to move forward, and you will.
Look forward to hearing more about your progress. Keep hanging in there.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,424
I'm glad you're starting IOP.
I had a lot of trauma too - for me staying in recovery has meant not only dealing with that trauma but the addiction that manifested itself from it.
As long as you tackle both things, you're in the box seat JHorn
D
I had a lot of trauma too - for me staying in recovery has meant not only dealing with that trauma but the addiction that manifested itself from it.
As long as you tackle both things, you're in the box seat JHorn
D
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Sounds like you are really willing and ready to change. That is great.
I think trauma is something a lot of us share. Childhood trauma and then the recreating those patterns in adulthood by traumatizing ourselves and the ones we love. Crazy huh?
I relate to what you said: You could talk about it matter of factly....or you're gushing emotionally. I have been told, by the one extremely good therapist I have had, that one of my biggest challenges is developing a bridge between the cognitive and the emotional. That balance...bringing those worlds together. Because when I'm in 100% cognition mode , I'm not feeling. And when I'm 100% feeling, I'm not able to make sense of trauma and bring understanding. Which sort of keeps the trauma alive if that makes sense. Bringing the two worlds together and bringing rational thought to the trauma has really helped. Its a challenge for me overall....I'm much more comfortable in the cognitive world and I have to challenge myself daily to make sure I'm actually 'feeling' a bit too.
Ugh. I wish you the best of luck Horn. I do know that staying sober will be the only path to understanding and growth.
I think trauma is something a lot of us share. Childhood trauma and then the recreating those patterns in adulthood by traumatizing ourselves and the ones we love. Crazy huh?
I relate to what you said: You could talk about it matter of factly....or you're gushing emotionally. I have been told, by the one extremely good therapist I have had, that one of my biggest challenges is developing a bridge between the cognitive and the emotional. That balance...bringing those worlds together. Because when I'm in 100% cognition mode , I'm not feeling. And when I'm 100% feeling, I'm not able to make sense of trauma and bring understanding. Which sort of keeps the trauma alive if that makes sense. Bringing the two worlds together and bringing rational thought to the trauma has really helped. Its a challenge for me overall....I'm much more comfortable in the cognitive world and I have to challenge myself daily to make sure I'm actually 'feeling' a bit too.
Ugh. I wish you the best of luck Horn. I do know that staying sober will be the only path to understanding and growth.
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
Horn, if I remember correctly you are an attorney, and you had a settlement coming. As a lawyer I am sure you've heard everything. So allow me to share what I have rarely shared (keep in mind we are same age). I damn near killed myself one time and I had people try to kill me twice. This was in the 90's. I am not a lawyer but I survived some damn tough times. I'm not minimizing your situation but seriously....you are whining about nonsense. When your life is in danger, let me know. You are a smart guy, pull yourself out of this mess.
ps. point being, drinking to escape from reality is a joke, and you know it.
ps. point being, drinking to escape from reality is a joke, and you know it.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 782
Originally Posted by thomas11 
Horn, if I remember correctly you are an attorney, and you had a settlement coming. As a lawyer I am sure you've heard everything. So allow me to share what I have rarely shared (keep in mind we are same age). I damn near killed myself one time and I had people try to kill me twice. This was in the 90's. I am not a lawyer but I survived some damn tough times. I'm not minimizing your situation but seriously....you are whining about nonsense. When your life is in danger, let me know. You are a smart guy, pull yourself out of this mess.
ps. point being, drinking to escape from reality is a joke, and you know it.
ps. point being, drinking to escape from reality is a joke, and you know it.
Man up, indeed.
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Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 674
I'm liking the determination.
This is a wonderful opportunity to dive into yourself. To start learning about who you are and what kind of life you want to live - on your own terms. It's scary at times but also extraordinarily freeing. Sobriety keeps that door open. It doesn't do the work for you, but it makes it all possible. Without sobriety, there is no living on your terms.
I found a couple things helped with the anxiety - making a list of one or two things I had to show up for or get done. All the other stuff bouncing around in my head I decided could wait as long as I got those 1 or 2 most urgent things done.
There's a big difference between urgent and important. Not everything that feels important is urgent. A big trick is learning to acknowledge that.
And then sometimes that 1 or 2 things was me time. Rest. Binge watch a good show. Eat some comfort food. Be self-compassionate. You are chopping wood right now - make sure you pause every now and then to re-sharpen that axe.
You aren't alone. Keep driving through this. And ask yourself... 'why not me?'
Best to you-
B
PS - And remember... never forget... no one - including you - died or got hurt permanently.
This is a wonderful opportunity to dive into yourself. To start learning about who you are and what kind of life you want to live - on your own terms. It's scary at times but also extraordinarily freeing. Sobriety keeps that door open. It doesn't do the work for you, but it makes it all possible. Without sobriety, there is no living on your terms.
I found a couple things helped with the anxiety - making a list of one or two things I had to show up for or get done. All the other stuff bouncing around in my head I decided could wait as long as I got those 1 or 2 most urgent things done.
There's a big difference between urgent and important. Not everything that feels important is urgent. A big trick is learning to acknowledge that.
And then sometimes that 1 or 2 things was me time. Rest. Binge watch a good show. Eat some comfort food. Be self-compassionate. You are chopping wood right now - make sure you pause every now and then to re-sharpen that axe.
You aren't alone. Keep driving through this. And ask yourself... 'why not me?'
Best to you-
B
PS - And remember... never forget... no one - including you - died or got hurt permanently.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2018
Posts: 591
I understand the raw emotions, 15 days in and I had a meltdown. The DWI is a horrible feeling, guilt and shame but you should be proud of yourself. You are working through the core issues that contributed to your drinking. You are not defective, you went through a rough childhood. You were a brave kid, you shouldn’t re victimize yourself by drinking therefore affirming the feelings of worthlessness many of us have from a horrific childhood. You’re doing the work, and should be proud. This could be the last time your wife and kids see you mess up, and can admire your courage to change. That’s a good role model for the kids, they can see people make mistakes but work hard to fix them.
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Join Date: Dec 2017
Location: United States
Posts: 2,547
Do your best not to snowball (I know it's hard). Just focus on what is right in front of you, the next right thing, if you will. You'll look back on this in time with the eyes of a completely new person. You can absolutely do this.
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
Here's my advice,Horn..Go back and re-read your thread history on here(from start to finish). Notice the 'slip away dates' and the day's you're feeling 'ok'..there's a pattern. Same for me..I had a "pattern" after a year here and once I got serious,I'd re-read those..really helped me and **I** think everyone should do it when in 'trouble' or just trying to figure their plans out..Just my opinion/strategy I use.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
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Posts: 8,674
Horn- I am glad you are back.
Respectfully, I do get the "tough love on myself" stuff....but trains of thought like man up (insert whatever analogous expression here, y'all get the point) can be self-defeating in the context of acceptance. There is a distinction between surrender, and ceasing to fight our disease - and determination to learn to live sober.
Just my $0.02 as a stubborn, strong-willed person who finally flipped that method for near total self-destruction to application to living a d*mn good life sober.
Respectfully, I do get the "tough love on myself" stuff....but trains of thought like man up (insert whatever analogous expression here, y'all get the point) can be self-defeating in the context of acceptance. There is a distinction between surrender, and ceasing to fight our disease - and determination to learn to live sober.
Just my $0.02 as a stubborn, strong-willed person who finally flipped that method for near total self-destruction to application to living a d*mn good life sober.
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Join Date: Oct 2018
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 1,339
The point that I would take from the tough love input is that it takes a lot of discipline to quit the drinking for the long term. I apply this in mental practices that prohibit me from using, and that gets to be more normal over time, but I also had to force myself to confront some unpleasant emotional truths about my past. Aside from the biology that makes us, IMO, more susceptible to alcohol and to its ravages on body and on mind, I don't think it's a matter of one's Cajones that will make one sober but of gumption and, like Buckley said, determination.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
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Originally Posted by August252015
Horn- I am glad you are back.
Respectfully, I do get the "tough love on myself" stuff....but trains of thought like man up (insert whatever analogous expression here, y'all get the point) can be self-defeating in the context of acceptance. There is a distinction between surrender, and ceasing to fight our disease - and determination to learn to live sober.
Just my $0.02 as a stubborn, strong-willed person who finally flipped that method for near total self-destruction to application to living a d*mn good life sober.
Respectfully, I do get the "tough love on myself" stuff....but trains of thought like man up (insert whatever analogous expression here, y'all get the point) can be self-defeating in the context of acceptance. There is a distinction between surrender, and ceasing to fight our disease - and determination to learn to live sober.
Just my $0.02 as a stubborn, strong-willed person who finally flipped that method for near total self-destruction to application to living a d*mn good life sober.
Man down. Let go. Walk out from behind careers, 'position', external trappings. That is all just stuff we get to lose if we keep drinking. Behind the mask.....the internal. The soft gushy stuff. That's where it happens. Admitting weakness and vulnerability. Doesn't matter if you're a woman or man.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Big City
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Originally Posted by Frickaflip233
Thank you August. And frankly, just based on my perception when reading the OP's posts over the last year, the 'macho' man up thing has actually been part of the problem.
Man down. Let go. Walk out from behind careers, 'position', external trappings. That is all just stuff we get to lose if we keep drinking. Behind the mask.....the internal. The soft gushy stuff. That's where it happens. Admitting weakness and vulnerability. Doesn't matter if you're a woman or man.
Man down. Let go. Walk out from behind careers, 'position', external trappings. That is all just stuff we get to lose if we keep drinking. Behind the mask.....the internal. The soft gushy stuff. That's where it happens. Admitting weakness and vulnerability. Doesn't matter if you're a woman or man.
More importantly, Horn, how are you today?
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 782
Originally Posted by lessgravity
For me, it was owning the obligations and responsibilities that finally got me sober. It was stepping up to the plate and accepting but I can no longer drink and walking through the fire that was that acceptance that got me to where I am. Whether or not it works for Horn is another matter. But that's my piece to share.
More importantly, Horn, how are you today?
More importantly, Horn, how are you today?
I like Ike your approach.
I get what everyone is saying. And none is mutually exclusive. As my sponsor says, “you can turn it over to your higher power, but your recovery needs your cooperation.”
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Join Date: Feb 2017
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Hi Horn,
Yep, too much caffeine wasn’t good for me in early recovery either. I still stick to one double shot espresso in the morning. Sometimes I’ll have another decaf or two over the course of the day, and that helps to psych myself out.
I’m glad you have started therapy. It was vital in my recovery. I had a traumatic childhood too with lots of secrecy and repressed emotions. I had to come to terms with all of this, understand the mental stuff underlying my drinking to break the cycle and change my thinking (around everything, not just drinking)
I’m female. But I think both man up and man down apply to all of us. Let’s not get caught up on semantics here. What is necessary is to be brave, have courage, accept responsibility, and to also admit weakness and be vulnerable and open to change. Cry if you need to. It is ok.
Yep, too much caffeine wasn’t good for me in early recovery either. I still stick to one double shot espresso in the morning. Sometimes I’ll have another decaf or two over the course of the day, and that helps to psych myself out.
I’m glad you have started therapy. It was vital in my recovery. I had a traumatic childhood too with lots of secrecy and repressed emotions. I had to come to terms with all of this, understand the mental stuff underlying my drinking to break the cycle and change my thinking (around everything, not just drinking)
I’m female. But I think both man up and man down apply to all of us. Let’s not get caught up on semantics here. What is necessary is to be brave, have courage, accept responsibility, and to also admit weakness and be vulnerable and open to change. Cry if you need to. It is ok.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,629
Originally Posted by Frickaflip233
I relate to what you said: You could talk about it matter of factly....or you're gushing emotionally. I have been told, by the one extremely good therapist I have had, that one of my biggest challenges is developing a bridge between the cognitive and the emotional. That balance...bringing those worlds together. Because when I'm in 100% cognition mode , I'm not feeling. And when I'm 100% feeling, I'm not able to make sense of trauma and bring understanding.
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
Originally Posted by Horn95
point taken, and u r right. What is killing me is that I have had a good life at least the last 5 years, and I have done everything I could do to throw it away.
Man up, indeed.
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