Meth addict father accusing me of elder abuse

Old 11-07-2018, 04:54 PM
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Meth addict father accusing me of elder abuse

As a bit of a back story:

I have been living at my father's home since I have graduated from college back in 2008. I share the home with my adult brother and my husband. We all chip and pay bills, etc because he is unable to do so by himself. I am pregnant and am in my third trimester.

My father is a heavy meth user and has been all of my life (I'm 33 years old). He is also disabled and elderly at the age of 67. Due to his addiction he is unstable and suffers intense emotional mood swings. Often when he is starved for attention he will pick "fights" with people living in the household. Recently, I have been the target.

He has made it clear he is quite unhappy with my pregnancy and has suggested an abortion was a better option. We have not been on speaking terms. I was not shocked or upset at his response because he was a lackluster father himself. He likes to blame me and my brother for the way his life turned out. I personally like to blame his decisions to use meth for ruining his life.

Last Monday we got into a serious verbal altercation. Shouting and yelling, using profanity, etc. He "punched" me in the face during the shouting match. I did not hit him. I did however have a notebook in my hand which I put up in front of his face blocking our view of each other. My husband witnessed the whole debacle.

I went outside and calmed down on the porch. I contemplated calling the police but when I say he "punched" me, its important to remember he is elderly and disabled. He tried to inflict damage but was ineffectual. I felt like reporting it was an attempt to be vindicative and would not resolve the issue.

We made "peace" shortly after the incident. After I left for work he told my brother and my aunt that I had hit him. He referred to me and my husband as "vultures" and that we are irresponsible for bringing a child into poverty. My husband with hurt feelings demanded we move instantly but I reminded him of our financial situation (he is unemployed) and I don't make enough money to qualify to rent an apartment here in California. We do intend to move out as quickly as possible but its not going to happen overnight and Im hoping for by the end of the year.

Well, to make matters more complicated, my father also told his medical doctor that I had hit him instead of him hitting me. Being that I am also a mandated reporter I understand why the doctor was required to report the incident and now a social worker will be visting the household to investigate the charges.

I am quite frustrated and am sick of this behavior. I want to tell the social worker about my father's drug abuse when they come to visit. I am hoping this will push him against a wall and force him to get treatment. However, I also have concerns about the impact that would have on me and my unborn child.

My main concerns at this point are, what will happen to me? What will happen to my unborn daughter? Will I now be flagged as some kind of abuser? Will they take my child? What is my future going to be like now trying to raise my child? What options are available to me?

I really appreciate anyone's experiences, support, or advice.
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Old 11-07-2018, 06:56 PM
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Yikes, that is one hell of a tough situation.

I don't know much about the law and procedure here but I would think you would have a chance to tell your story as well as any witnesses.

Let us know how it goes.
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Old 11-07-2018, 07:00 PM
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I have zero experience with this and I'm sorry you are in this situation.

If I were you I would do everything in my power to get a new living situation. Subsidized housing, whatever you can do. Why is your Husband not working right now?

As for the elder abuse accusation, is there some kind of free legal aid in your area at all? I would start researching. You can certainly out your Father's meth addiction but at the same time you will be throwing yourself under the bus bringing a child in to a house where there is an active addict.

Just tell the truth, the story as you have told here, he hit you, you put the book in his face, what more can you do? They will decide what to do from there but a chat with a lawyer would help to put your mind at rest.

You need to get out of there. That should be your number one priority right now. The rest of it will solve itself by removing yourself from that incredibly unhealthy situation. Have you researched what assistance might be available to you or even to you and your child after it is born? If not I would do that right away.
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Old 11-07-2018, 08:59 PM
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(((hugs)))

Self-care is essential. What's best for you and baby takes priority.

Reaching out to a Domestic Violence Help Center was the start of big, good changes for me. Emotional abuse is every bit as damaging as physical abuse. The legal and victim advocates have been a huge support for me.
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Old 11-08-2018, 01:21 AM
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I am sorry to hear about all that you've been through! I have no experience with this at all, either, but my thinking is that with any situation like this, the truth will come out.

Patience, calm, answer truthfully all they are asking.

If it were me, I would be looking for somewhere else for my husband and I and baby on the way to live.
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Old 11-08-2018, 08:36 AM
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I am quite frustrated and am sick of this behavior. I want to tell the social worker about my father's drug abuse when they come to visit. I am hoping this will push him against a wall and force him to get treatment. However, I also have concerns about the impact that would have on me and my unborn child.
I would bet that you won’t need to tell the social worker about his drug abuse, that in itself will probably be very evident. And yes not an environment for a baby to be living in at all not even temporary.

My main concerns at this point are, what will happen to me? What will happen to my unborn daughter?
And this should be your main concern at this point. You should check with your county and state to find out what type of free services might be available to you. Keep in mind the services will be very different if you are a single pregnant person without a BF compared to a single pregnant person with an unemployed BF that insists on living together.
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Old 11-08-2018, 08:40 AM
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What I've found is more happiness, strength and confidence in stepping out on my own to take care of myself and my son.

All other relationships can and do shake out into good places later on.
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Old 11-08-2018, 09:39 AM
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My husband is actively looking for work. He works in construction and right now where we are at in CA work is coming to a halt due to the holiday season. He recently graduated a program to enable him to change careers and is actively looking in that field now.

I am also looking to change careers but right now I am still working full time in my current field which is fine for right now. Eventually I will need to complete some unpaid externship hours in the next six months in order to obtain my certification. I am putting that on hold for right now.

Believe it or not but I don't think medical professionals can see the damage the meth abuse has done to my elderly father. I thought for sure his doctor would know but I don't think my father's doctor who is elderly himself was able to identify the signs over just general bad aging. I thought my MIL who worked as a RN for many years would be able to identify the symptoms as well and she also had no clue.

I plan on telling the truth if and when the situation should arise, I am just concerned about entering the "system" due to this false accusation and its possible effects on my parental rights.

We are currently looking for a place to move too and have been before the incident. Its just really bad timing with my pregnancy. I am due by the end of December.
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Old 11-08-2018, 09:41 AM
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Prayer works, no belief required.

Good luck with your move.
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Old 11-08-2018, 12:07 PM
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newhope…..I am not a lawyer and am not an expert, in any way, about this...but, it seems, to me, that having an "accusation" is different than having a criminal charge against you, that you would have to defend in the court system.
true, there would be a file, on the matter, somewhere in a social worker's office, probably....but, the results of the inquiry would be kept, also....

Decades ago, after I divorced my children's father...he and his new wife made some totally outrageous accusations against me...deliberately, to hurt me. My childrens teachers and daycare workers and some of my co-workers were interviewed...and the charges were found to be "frivolous and malicious".....
The case worker wrote up a good, strong defense of me as a good mother and placed it in the file, should he try that trick, again.
Since then...my children are l ong grown....and, nothing ever came of it again.
It is not part of any kind of court record...…

I will say, that I was very upset, at the time that this came about...so I understand your anxiety about all of this....
It is best, I think, that you just be honest and answer the questions, honestly.
Remember, that the workers see all kinds of situations....and are pretty good at ferreting out the truth....
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Old 11-08-2018, 01:26 PM
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Thank you dandylion for sharing your personal experiences with me as it has assuaged some of anxiety.
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Old 11-29-2018, 01:45 PM
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In case anyone was curious about what had happened I thought I would give an update.

When my father was contacted by the social worker he convinced them he did not need any help. Apparently his words were, "I don't need that ****."

He came out of his room to proudly announce to my adult brother and husband that the visitation won't happen.

So far nothing has come of it.
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Old 11-29-2018, 02:06 PM
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Hi Newhope - so glad you updated and I'm also glad nothing came of it!

Have you made any plans for moving or is that on the back burner for now?
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Old 11-29-2018, 07:56 PM
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Husband is still trying to secure gainful employment so we can at least move out into an apartment. Right now I simply do not make enough to get approved to rent an apartment. My MIL did offer to co-sign as a gaurantor if needed.

Kind of frustrated with the hubby because he knew I've been pregnant since 5/16/18 and it wasn't until my little white trash rumble with my dad that he started getting his butt in gear.

Honestly, its both of our fault though. We should have moved out a long time ago.. way before we made the decision to have a child.
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Old 11-29-2018, 09:05 PM
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Ideally yes, it must be really uncomfortable for you and when you add a child to the mix it will get more complicated.

Well there is still time for him to seek employment before the baby arrives. I would be accepting the MIL's offer if I were you. No baby needs to be around meth and it's an unacceptable situation for what will be your new little family. It must be hugely stressful for you?

Are you at work still or on maternity leave?
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Old 11-30-2018, 06:29 AM
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You cannot change the past, at least hubby is doing so now. I hope you are able to move out soon and that you are taking good care of yourself!
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