Relapse

Old 11-06-2018, 10:20 PM
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Relapse

Hi all.

I used to frequent these boards last year when I was going through a tough time with my alcoholic DH. He was at his lowest point, our marriage was barely hanging on, and I asked him to get help. He eventually did and joined an outpatient recovery program for 6 months and transitioned to AA after that.

During this time things gradually got much better. I healed. I was able to trust him again. I forgot about the hurt feelings and anger. Our family life with our two kids was much happier.

He started off attending 2 different AA meetings a week (recommended by the program), but life got busy so he went down to 1. The last few months he'd forget to attend the 1 meeting and soon it was only once a month.

Well, 4 weeks ago, just short of being sober 1 year, he relapsed. I had read there was a good chance this could happen so I gave him the benefit of the doubt. He said he would attend meetings again and talk with his sponsor. He's been attending meetings, but the drinking continues every weekend.

ALL those feelings I previously had came back: distrust, worry, hurt, anger, loneliness. All of my skills for detecting when he has been drinking are unfortunately still top notch (was hoping to never have to use them again). All of his straight-up lying to me and denying he is drinking is back. It's really like we are exactly back where we started and nothing has changed.

I wasn't prepared for this relapse to last this long. I thought if it happened he'd realize he made a mistake and stop it right away. Now I think: is this a hopeless situation? Was the treatment program a waste? Wasn't he supposed to learn the tools to get himself back on track? Doesn't he remember what things were like before when they were so bad? Why does he want to go through this again?

I'm not sure what to expect here. Before at least I had some hope a program would help him. Now I just don't know what will and what the next steps should be.

Thanks for reading.
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Old 11-06-2018, 10:46 PM
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Originally Posted by CantTrustHim View Post
Hi all.

I used to frequent these boards last year when I was going through a tough time with my alcoholic DH. He was at his lowest point, our marriage was barely hanging on, and I asked him to get help. He eventually did and joined an outpatient recovery program for 6 months and transitioned to AA after that.

During this time things gradually got much better. I healed. I was able to trust him again. I forgot about the hurt feelings and anger. Our family life with our two kids was much happier.

He started off attending 2 different AA meetings a week (recommended by the program), but life got busy so he went down to 1. The last few months he'd forget to attend the 1 meeting and soon it was only once a month.

Well, 4 weeks ago, just short of being sober 1 year, he relapsed. I had read there was a good chance this could happen so I gave him the benefit of the doubt. He said he would attend meetings again and talk with his sponsor. He's been attending meetings, but the drinking continues every weekend.

ALL those feelings I previously had came back: distrust, worry, hurt, anger, loneliness. All of my skills for detecting when he has been drinking are unfortunately still top notch (was hoping to never have to use them again). All of his straight-up lying to me and denying he is drinking is back. It's really like we are exactly back where we started and nothing has changed.

I wasn't prepared for this relapse to last this long. I thought if it happened he'd realize he made a mistake and stop it right away. Now I think: is this a hopeless situation? Was the treatment program a waste? Wasn't he supposed to learn the tools to get himself back on track? Doesn't he remember what things were like before when they were so bad? Why does he want to go through this again?

I'm not sure what to expect here. Before at least I had some hope a program would help him. Now I just don't know what will and what the next steps should be.

Thanks for reading.
Im sorry to hear you are going through this again. I cant give you any words of wisdom like some may be able to on here as lm pretty new to all this, but what l can say is you are not alone. I too go through the stomach churning worry, the wondering, the hurt. My heart goes out to you especially as you have children too...you have to be strong for them as well as yourself.
l hope he comes to his senses soon so you can begin repairing the second wave of damage.
Sending love x
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Old 11-06-2018, 10:51 PM
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Originally Posted by CantTrustHim View Post

I'm not sure what to expect here. Before at least I had some hope a program would help him. Now I just don't know what will and what the next steps should be.
Welcome back I'm sorry for what brings you here though, of course.

You know, addiction never goes away. It is never cured. He will never not be an alcoholic. Unless he is working a strong program, chances are he won't stay sober, or at least not for long, so it would seem.

I went back and read your previous thread and dandylion linked to this post: https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-reposted.html (10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of ****, reposted)

Nothing much has changed?

What I would recommend now is reading up on alcoholism and understanding it because knowledge is power. It's not like a broken leg where he has healed and all is well. The craving, the - oh I can just drink moderately - the alcoholic voice is calling and nothing you can do will change that. He has to want that change.

You might find the articles here helpful:

Addiction, Lies and Relationships

Also from our stickies section at the top of this forum:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)

Keep posting and try to focus back on yourself. You didn't Cause this, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 cs).

One other thing, have you discussed this with him? Did you ask him these questions? " Wasn't he supposed to learn the tools to get himself back on track? Doesn't he remember what things were like before when they were so bad? Why does he want to go through this again"?
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Old 11-07-2018, 03:00 AM
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Can'tTrust…….repeating what Trailmix said....he will never not be an alcoholic...and would have to work a strong program, vigilantly, to be in genuine recovery and keep the addiction in remission....
It takes most alcoholics a long time to really accept that. Early recovery...which is the first few years...one to five years, depending on who you talk to...requires diligent commitment to a program, with sobriety as their first priority in life...above all else...because if sobriety is lost, everything else will follow. It takes time and commitment....and, wiliness to do the hard work.
Many alcoholics will relapse many times, before they can really accept this fact...some never do....

I can really relate to what a kick in the gut, it is for the loved one when a relapse occurs....it is like, in one swift move, one's heart in plunged to the ocean floor....I think it is worse than the original drinking period....because one has used all their efforts to get their trust and hopes up...and, then...wham!

Here is the thing...as I see it...You and your husband are adults...and you have had a chance to live a life and develop the ability to ride the waves of chaos.....but, your children are still tender young shoots...in the developmental stages...so the effects of having the alcoholism in their lives had much, much more impact o n them than it does their caretakers. They will carry the damage and memories into their adult lives....They are like little sponges, and they "absorb" everything around them. Parents almost always underestimate how much this happens.

Long story short...your husband is going to drink or not...and, you can't crawl into his head and do anything about it. It is, ultimately up to him...
The task, for you, will be to do what is in the best welfare for you and your children, in the long run. You cannot depend on him to do that...it will be your responsibility....fair, or not...that is the reality....

It might be a good idea to read the words of Adult Children of Alcoholics...it gives a perspective of this from the horses' mouths....You can get their Big Book and literature on amazon.com.....

for you...you can take advantage of the following.....
Alanon meetings
reading, every day from the following sources:
"Co-dependent No More"
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
(more than 100 excellent articles!)
http://www.bma-wellness.com/papers/E...tml------great articles on alcoholism and the alcoholic mind
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Old 11-07-2018, 06:12 AM
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My opinion is that a relapse is an "event." He is actively drinking again now.

I am sorry.
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Old 11-07-2018, 07:19 PM
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I am so sorry you are going through this. It is good you posted here again. My AH recently relapsed as well, lied about it, I guess it occurred on his 100th day of sobriety. It *is* a good thing your husband got to one year of sobriety. Wish I could give you a hug. (((((()))))))) I think you have to decide what your boundaries are, and communicate those to him, as far as what your plan is each time he drinks. Do you want him to remain at your home those nights? Around you or family at all?
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Old 11-07-2018, 07:50 PM
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Thanks for the replies and advice everyone!

I realize in my mind I had thought he would be "cured" by the time we got to this one year point, but now I see there's still a long way to go and it's even never-ending.

I had a conversation with him today and it definitely seems like he doesn't have any intention of stopping at the moment. He seems depressed, struggling with how "his life is going to suck forever" trying to stay sober. I guess I just have to wait until he is at his low point again and wants to get help again. I have some thinking to do to decide how I want to deal with this and what my boundaries are.
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Old 11-09-2018, 07:19 PM
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welcome to the rest of your life with him...

...even if he finds sustained recovery again it will always be there waiting to come again. The program didn't fail him, he failed him by stopping and he will fail again unless he submits himself fully and completely to it for the rest of his life, and only if he admits to himself that he is an alcoholic and can't drink-- at all-- ever (saying he admits it is not the same as him believing it and you'll never know for sure if he's telling the truth about this).

he has to prioritize the meetings. he didn't. he relapsed. this is not a surprise to anybody with an alcoholic spouse. if he really wants a happy life with you and your kids he will put the meetings first and, if he has to miss a meeting, he'll make it up the next day.

even then you will have to come to terms with the fact, just like I had to, that it's always there waiting to start again. The clock is always ticking in alcoholics-- always. i've been listening to it for 16 years because, ultimately, she always relapses. My inability to leave her has ruined my life. I entered our marriage a happy early 30-something and personally and professionally successful. In my 50s now, living check to check, and a failure by every measure. I believe that's what happens when you are too weak to leave.

Please consider Alanon for yourself in order to find a way to be happy. It's for you, not him.

Good luck.

Cyranoak


Originally Posted by CantTrustHim View Post
Hi all.

I used to frequent these boards last year when I was going through a tough time with my alcoholic DH. He was at his lowest point, our marriage was barely hanging on, and I asked him to get help. He eventually did and joined an outpatient recovery program for 6 months and transitioned to AA after that.

During this time things gradually got much better. I healed. I was able to trust him again. I forgot about the hurt feelings and anger. Our family life with our two kids was much happier.

He started off attending 2 different AA meetings a week (recommended by the program), but life got busy so he went down to 1. The last few months he'd forget to attend the 1 meeting and soon it was only once a month.

Well, 4 weeks ago, just short of being sober 1 year, he relapsed. I had read there was a good chance this could happen so I gave him the benefit of the doubt. He said he would attend meetings again and talk with his sponsor. He's been attending meetings, but the drinking continues every weekend.

ALL those feelings I previously had came back: distrust, worry, hurt, anger, loneliness. All of my skills for detecting when he has been drinking are unfortunately still top notch (was hoping to never have to use them again). All of his straight-up lying to me and denying he is drinking is back. It's really like we are exactly back where we started and nothing has changed.

I wasn't prepared for this relapse to last this long. I thought if it happened he'd realize he made a mistake and stop it right away. Now I think: is this a hopeless situation? Was the treatment program a waste? Wasn't he supposed to learn the tools to get himself back on track? Doesn't he remember what things were like before when they were so bad? Why does he want to go through this again?

I'm not sure what to expect here. Before at least I had some hope a program would help him. Now I just don't know what will and what the next steps should be.

Thanks for reading.
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Old 11-10-2018, 04:35 AM
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Thanks Cyranoak! That is eye-opening advice. I have more to think about now.

There is no doubt in my mind that if kids weren't involved I would have left him by now, but because there is I'm tied to him forever and I'm trying to figure out what the difference will be with him living with us or not.
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Old 11-10-2018, 05:29 AM
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" I thought if it happened he'd realize he made a mistake and stop it right away. "

That's exactly what you or I would think. We would apply logic. That doesn't work with an alcoholic.
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Old 11-10-2018, 05:48 PM
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The terrible thing about relapses is many are unable to stay sober a second time. Of course I don't know about your husband. I suggest Alanon, which helped me stop focusing on someone else and deal with my own problems. It's a lifesaver.
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Old 11-10-2018, 07:23 PM
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Sorry you’ve had to come back, but glad you did for the support. Hopefully you can do things for YOU so it’s not all about him. It’s not, you matter. Your kids matter.

It’s no accident that you feel things are right where they were before, they are. When an addict relapses, they pick up RIGHT where they left off. It happened to me many times, and I was astonished how true it is. I had to accept that if I ever drink again, I might be able to have a drink or two once or twice, but that first drink will bring back the addictive obsession and in no time I’d be right where I left off. So I stay the heck away.

The first year sober sucks. It really does. And as that first year comes to a close, it’s easy to think your life will suck like that forever. But you have to keep going, because the level of suck sober doesn’t compare to the depths of despair that drinking takes you to. At this point he probably feels all is lost so **** it. But if he works a program, it does indeed get easier.

Hopefully he’ll reach out to a sponsor or anyone in his home group. Then hopefully he’ll do what they say and get help.

But thats outside of your control, so take good care of you. I’m really sorry this is happening.
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Old 11-11-2018, 01:27 AM
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Originally Posted by RollTide View Post
" I thought if it happened he'd realize he made a mistake and stop it right away. "

That's exactly what you or I would think. We would apply logic. That doesn't work with an alcoholic.
Couldn't have said it any clearer than that. 👍
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Old 11-11-2018, 03:18 AM
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Much wisdom in all the replies but will add one more thing...

What is recovery? In my mind the state of recovery or recovered is a place of peace and stability without the addition of the substance of alcohol.

The path to that "recovered place and life" can have many pathways but the most successful one that I have ever encountered is the spiritual one where the suffering alcoholic works on the why of their drinking (usually there is some trauma or attachment disorder issues) and works on doing that inner healing through therapy and 12 step work.

I tell those I work with that meetings are just geography and support not the heart of AA or 12 step based living. The quality of the meeting can make a huge difference too... for the first year I suggest speaker meetings, Big Book and 12 Step Meetings. When one is ready go to an open meeting to look for your first sponsee… that can be one to 5 years depending on the how much one has progressed on their own journey to true "recovery" and can share their own experience , strength and hope.

Abstinence and "white knuckling" is almost always temporary.... one must heal before you can know in your heart that you are "recovered"... (something that many in AA says is impossible) … we have to work on ourselves for our entire life if we are ACOA, Codependents or Alcoholics!

Once your husband understands that he never made it under the wire of "recovery" or "recovered" state of having that peace, joy and sense of well being it might give him hope for another try at the real program of AA... the spiritual adventure or reconnected with God
authentically.

That is the miracle... the rocketing to the 4th dimension... that one rarely hears in an open meeting.

Learn all you can about the disease and keeping yourself well and healed and resilient.
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Old 11-11-2018, 06:28 AM
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Originally Posted by RollTide View Post
" I thought if it happened he'd realize he made a mistake and stop it right away. "

That's exactly what you or I would think. We would apply logic. That doesn't work with an alcoholic.
As I see it, alcoholism is a "mind screw disease." It distorts reality for the alcoholic - in a way not unlike schizophrenics suffer from reality distortions. Only it's more subtle in alcoholism.

I don't much like the "blame game" where the relapsed alcoholic is said to have "failed himself or herself" -- if your brain were a hall of mirrors it would be tough to tell what is real and what is not.

I tend to go back to "A Brilliant Mind" -- where John Nash finally figures out that the delusional people he keeps seeing are NOT real, because they didn't get any older (but *real* people did). At least, that's the movie version of it.

Each alcoholic has to come to his/her own "aha!!" moment about what is real and what is not. If they don't the disease will eventually kill them (sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly).

I *love* Hopeworks definition of recovery -- because it doesn't focus on the *absence* of alcohol, but on the state of mind that can replace it.

The siren call of alcohol will never go away, I don't think (not being an addict myself), but if you can learn that its call is not real, its promises are full of shyte, AND replace it with a different, positive message -- about how wonderous (and, yes, even painful) real life can be -- that's recovery.

And, yes, I say real life can be both painful and wonderous at the same time, I think of something like Passover/Easter. Think about the suffering that came with those two events, but ultimately the overall message is peace and joy. The Israelites left Egypt; Christ rose from the dead.

Alcoholism is a terrible disease because it is a "mind screw" and the "mind screw" will never, ever fully go away -- but with proper medical treatment, proper behaviorial treatment, self-awareness, etc. the addict has a *chance* at recovery - a recovered state of mind of peace and joy (not misery and loss). Not a guarantee of recovery, but a chance.

MCE Saint
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