Shamed - very very shamed and full of self loathing
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: North East Scotland
Posts: 487
Shamed - very very shamed and full of self loathing
I feel very shamed
Huge relapse .full of self loathing, can't stop crying.
I've been here so many times, I don't deserve to be back on here with you. You are all so wonderful and so caring to put up with the likes of me ..who keeps relapsing.....I don't deserve your kindness.
I have to stop being so bloody complacent, I get a couple of weeks sober under my belt and think "I got this .. " and I don't .. I don't have it at all .
The shame is killing me.
Huge relapse .full of self loathing, can't stop crying.
I've been here so many times, I don't deserve to be back on here with you. You are all so wonderful and so caring to put up with the likes of me ..who keeps relapsing.....I don't deserve your kindness.
I have to stop being so bloody complacent, I get a couple of weeks sober under my belt and think "I got this .. " and I don't .. I don't have it at all .
The shame is killing me.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,643
Shame does not kill, but drinking because of shame can..(it did me, indirectly).
Take stock of this experience and learn from it. I do not judge you, and no one at SR will....I think we do that to ourselves enough. Apart from posting at SR, I find meetings, a GP and a counsellor help me. There is no magical cure- but for me, anything is better than what I ended up going through. You need not-keep posting..
Remember to rest, eat, hydrate- and see a doc if you are concerned about w/d's.
Take stock of this experience and learn from it. I do not judge you, and no one at SR will....I think we do that to ourselves enough. Apart from posting at SR, I find meetings, a GP and a counsellor help me. There is no magical cure- but for me, anything is better than what I ended up going through. You need not-keep posting..
Remember to rest, eat, hydrate- and see a doc if you are concerned about w/d's.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: North East Scotland
Posts: 487
Thank you so much for your reply Phoenix.
I'm definitely learning from this (the old saying "you're never too old to learn new things", oh is that so true).
You are 100%, there is no magic cure .. and it's the same cycle....everytime I take my eye off the ball (cause I think "I got this"), I relapse . that's the pattern.....time to change.....time to find a new way....cause what I'm doing doesn't work.....
Thank you - hope you have a good day Phoenix.
xx
I'm definitely learning from this (the old saying "you're never too old to learn new things", oh is that so true).
You are 100%, there is no magic cure .. and it's the same cycle....everytime I take my eye off the ball (cause I think "I got this"), I relapse . that's the pattern.....time to change.....time to find a new way....cause what I'm doing doesn't work.....
Thank you - hope you have a good day Phoenix.
xx
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
Shen,
That 2 weeks is when the hell really began for me.
It lasted a long time...over 6 months for sure.
Many folks never make it out until they lose their mind or life.
My grandma drank until she went crazy, then she forgot she was a drinker.
She got real healthy and lived about 5 more years. Sort of a sad but funny story.
Anyway...
I still feel paws and ptsd from booze today.
It is life while not on drugs. It takes a few years to get used to.
I am still under duress at times.
I wear my duress like a badge of honor because I am sober.
I suffered hellish ways to get this clean. That road was a rough trip, never going back. It is a slippery slope down and a steep hellish journey back out.
Hell with that.
Thanks.
That 2 weeks is when the hell really began for me.
It lasted a long time...over 6 months for sure.
Many folks never make it out until they lose their mind or life.
My grandma drank until she went crazy, then she forgot she was a drinker.
She got real healthy and lived about 5 more years. Sort of a sad but funny story.
Anyway...
I still feel paws and ptsd from booze today.
It is life while not on drugs. It takes a few years to get used to.
I am still under duress at times.
I wear my duress like a badge of honor because I am sober.
I suffered hellish ways to get this clean. That road was a rough trip, never going back. It is a slippery slope down and a steep hellish journey back out.
Hell with that.
Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,234
On my last drinking episode back in
August 1990, my family stepped in
quickly and had me plucked out of
my comfort zone, my home, escorted
to the back of a police car and driven
to rehab where I spent 28 days listening,
learning, absorbing knowledge of my
addiction and given a program of recovery
as a guideline to apply and incorporate
continuously in my everyday life once I
returned home.
When I left I didn't have a plan, didn't have
time to clean up, organize anything. So
returning to my home and little family,
I had a program of recovery in hand and
mind that I knew I had to follow if I didn't
want to return to rehab or sent far away
from my little family.
So what they taught to me was applied
each and everyday as I moved forward
to achieve the Promises offered to us
and me if I remained sober.
That was 28 yrs ago as I continue today
applying all that Ive learned over the yrs.
Just yesterday I ran this thought across
my mind thinking, yes, I did love alcohol,
the taste, however, I didn't like what alcohol,
my addiction to it had kept me prisoner
for so long. It controlled me from my heart,
mind and soul.
I didn't like the things that came out of
my mouth, the nasty things I said. Those
evil thoughts. Then it was my actions that
would haunt me filled with so much loathing,
remorse, hatred, shame and guilt.
It was an endless merry go round of not
liking who I had become because of my
addiction. However, once I entered recovery,
it was explained to me that I would never
have to return to that insanity that came
with my addiction again as long as I didn't
drink and if I applied a program of recovery
using it as a guideline for living.
In doing so one day at a time that I would
be free from my addiction and off that crazy
merry go round of insanity.
We are not bad people. Only sick ones needing
help.....And that help is always available to each
of us. Once you get rid of alcohol and replace it
with recovery then your life will improve dramatically.
We are here to help and not judge sharing
our own experiences, strengths and hopes
of what our lives were/is like before, during
and after our addiction using support, care,
understanding, compassion as you move forward
and further away from your addiction.
August 1990, my family stepped in
quickly and had me plucked out of
my comfort zone, my home, escorted
to the back of a police car and driven
to rehab where I spent 28 days listening,
learning, absorbing knowledge of my
addiction and given a program of recovery
as a guideline to apply and incorporate
continuously in my everyday life once I
returned home.
When I left I didn't have a plan, didn't have
time to clean up, organize anything. So
returning to my home and little family,
I had a program of recovery in hand and
mind that I knew I had to follow if I didn't
want to return to rehab or sent far away
from my little family.
So what they taught to me was applied
each and everyday as I moved forward
to achieve the Promises offered to us
and me if I remained sober.
That was 28 yrs ago as I continue today
applying all that Ive learned over the yrs.
Just yesterday I ran this thought across
my mind thinking, yes, I did love alcohol,
the taste, however, I didn't like what alcohol,
my addiction to it had kept me prisoner
for so long. It controlled me from my heart,
mind and soul.
I didn't like the things that came out of
my mouth, the nasty things I said. Those
evil thoughts. Then it was my actions that
would haunt me filled with so much loathing,
remorse, hatred, shame and guilt.
It was an endless merry go round of not
liking who I had become because of my
addiction. However, once I entered recovery,
it was explained to me that I would never
have to return to that insanity that came
with my addiction again as long as I didn't
drink and if I applied a program of recovery
using it as a guideline for living.
In doing so one day at a time that I would
be free from my addiction and off that crazy
merry go round of insanity.
We are not bad people. Only sick ones needing
help.....And that help is always available to each
of us. Once you get rid of alcohol and replace it
with recovery then your life will improve dramatically.
We are here to help and not judge sharing
our own experiences, strengths and hopes
of what our lives were/is like before, during
and after our addiction using support, care,
understanding, compassion as you move forward
and further away from your addiction.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 1,068
Originally Posted by ShenzyT 
I feel very shamed
I've been here so many times, I don't deserve to be back on here with you. You are all so wonderful and so caring to put up with the likes of me ..who keeps relapsing.....I don't deserve your kindness.
I've been here so many times, I don't deserve to be back on here with you. You are all so wonderful and so caring to put up with the likes of me ..who keeps relapsing.....I don't deserve your kindness.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2017
Location: United States
Posts: 2,547
Shenzy, you can absolutely do this! You need to move from self-pity and shame into action. Start with today: Don't drink. Try not to focus on weeks from now; just today. Join the class of November and commit to posting daily. Post before you drink, and give us a chance to talk you out of it. It is absolutely possible to stop the cycle, and we are here to help. 
Member
Join Date: Oct 2018
Posts: 53
Shenzy I totally get how you feel! I have a lot of shame and guilt from my last drinking episode. Im back on day 5 and things have gotten better. I realize I never want to feel that way again. You can do this! Pick up the pieces, dust yourself off, and dont drink today. We are all here.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,469
Use the shame to propel you forward in your recovery, and then let it go. If you don't let go of the shame, it will pull you back into drinking again. I know that because I did that.
We all know how hard this is and we are here for you.
We all know how hard this is and we are here for you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: St.Petersburg, FL.
Posts: 1,077
Hey, Shenzy--you definitely belong here with us! No one is judging you, and in our own self-destructive ways we've all been where you are now. I relapsed after 15 years of sobriety because of complacency, the belief that I'd had it figured out and could drink responsibly; that approach led to disaster and a good deal of shame and self-loathing. As tempting as it is to self-flagellate it isn't helpful, though. Action and forward momentum are needed. 'One day at a time' might sound simplistic but it is true. Keep moving forward--you can't change what's past but can chart a dignified and fulfilling future without the poison of alcohol destroying it all.
Thanks to a strong sober plan and the help and encouragement of my SR family I have two years and 11 months of sobriety. Things are not perfect, but they are good--and that is enough. Best wishes on your sober journey.
Thanks to a strong sober plan and the help and encouragement of my SR family I have two years and 11 months of sobriety. Things are not perfect, but they are good--and that is enough. Best wishes on your sober journey.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: UK
Posts: 4,553
Shenzy sweetheart shame and guilt keep many of us in active addiction. You have absolutely nothing at all to feel shame about. You are addicted to alcohol. That addiction inside us simply loves to isolate us from our support network and get is ugly claws in when we are vulnerable. Tough! You're back where you belong. I tell you this and I want you to believe it you absolutely 100% deserve to be here and we are very happy to see you back.
Take care sweetheart. Post as much as you need to. This thing works you have to believe me. SR got me my 15 months sober and one day at a time I hope to remain so with the support of my friends here ❤❤❤
Take care sweetheart. Post as much as you need to. This thing works you have to believe me. SR got me my 15 months sober and one day at a time I hope to remain so with the support of my friends here ❤❤❤
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,036
Shenzy,
It was so great to see you back in the 24 hour thread, and back here. No shame, just moving forward. One of the things that has really helped me in sobriety is mindfulness, take a walk outdoors if you can today, and focus on breathing, and the minute you are in. Also, take a look at some mindfulness apps. You can do this!!!
It was so great to see you back in the 24 hour thread, and back here. No shame, just moving forward. One of the things that has really helped me in sobriety is mindfulness, take a walk outdoors if you can today, and focus on breathing, and the minute you are in. Also, take a look at some mindfulness apps. You can do this!!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Big City
Posts: 3,895
Shame can be something that you use to drive your sobriety. I find that shame I felt (and feel when I reflect at times) is often an accurate/reasonable emotion to experience based on what I did and didn't do as a drunk. To me it motivates me to stay sober - to correct things, right my ship, take care of things that I am responsible for, step up to my obligations - all those acts reduce the shame I felt for so long.
Same thing for you. But you need to do work. Are you ready to do the work?
Same thing for you. But you need to do work. Are you ready to do the work?
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