New to this and very hurt
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 11
New to this and very hurt
Hello. I am new here and now may never be normal again. It’s a very real possibility that I honestly have been permanently filled with anxiety, shame, guilt and fear that may never go away, and that too is very scary. Why has all this happened? Well, bc I fell in love and remained in a longer term relationship with an alcoholic - no one else is to blame for this.
I look at my friends and family. The ones in a marriage or relationship, and they would never in a million years put up with this level of hurt and pain which is intentional at that and then I find myself being jealous of their strength & wisdom to know they wouldn’t put up with it. Why can’t I develop this strength? I have been to a counselor but feel they don’t understand-to them it’s just as easy as “you need to leave him!” (But, it’s not that easy) and I have been prescribed medicine to help combat anxiety/depression but, I won’t take it - because, according to him - I am the crazy one now bc I need medicine. I haven’t been allowed to cry in his presence for 2 years, bc if I do, it’s now my fault for putting him in this mood and his moods are intense. Unlike anything I’ve seen.
Here are a few examples of what things are like:
1. I had dental appointment couple weeks ago, they asked me to take a Valium and they were going to give me Nitrous oxide as well to get through the procedure. They required me to have a driver, or they wouldn’t see me. I had no choice but to ask him. The entire way there, he ridiculed, yelled, insulted, screamed, etc — at one point (red light) I literally tried getting out of the car. This is how horrible it was. I got to the dental office, the Valium obviously not working bc he had me so upset and nervous. They put the gas on, still not enough to get me calm enough, and had to reschedule the entire procedure bc I was too visibly upset to continue. The entire way home, was worse than the way there. And, guess whose fault it was? Mine. It is always my fault.
2. This afternoon, he really sliced deep with his words. My father is in cancer treatment and receiving chemo & radiation. He said this “You must be so ashamed of your life. I’d be embarrassed if I were you, the only thing your good at is eating and sleeping. You have nobody, and all you have is your mom and dying father”. I blocked him after this. I truly want to keep him there too.
3. He starts group texts with people at work. I think their are 4 of them besides him. He will start stories and situations about me. One time, it was that I was cheating some guy from the job site (totally not true!) and it got so bad that they included this man in on the text, he was just as clueless as I was, but ended up getting really mad, and supposedly had it out with my guy during lunch. Guess whose fault that was? Mine. Supposedly I somehow magically knew this man they were using and his phone # and called him and told him this was happening. Later, he sent the entire group my phone number & address and told them if they wanted a good time, to stop over.
***I live alone, I live very rural. I was livid he gave a bunch of people I don’t know, and he barely knows my address and phone #. I got really irate over this. Maybe almost going off the deep end. Guess who ended up being the bad guy? Me. He was only trying to be funny and joke, and I can’t have fun.
I haven’t been able to stop crying since he has said this to me about my family and dad. I’m literally shaking and feel very like Im going to pass out.
I don’t know what more to do, other than keep him on block on my phone - But, I guarantee I’ll take him off. I just know what I’m feeling, and it’s not bc I can’t be without his accusations and nasty ways ... it’s because I honestly believe I have no one else. Partially true, bc I’ve become so isolated. I’m scared of dealing with my dads illness alone, without support. Yet, is he supportive? No. Very much the opposite. The day my dad had major surgery where we wouldn’t know the outcome - could he try just for an hour to be nice? No. In fact the opposite. I had to kick him out & lock him out of my home that night.
I have asked myself 500 or more times why I stay, and I don’t have an answer other than my fear/thoughts above. I honestly don’t know how much more of this I can handle and by that I also mean the pain and time and work it’s going to require to get over him, the scars and my own personal fears.
If anything, could you please say a prayer or send good vibes that for once, I will remain strong and do the right thing.
Will it get better? Can you overcome this? Is it the alcohol, or is it the man? I have known a few people who could be considered alcoholics by textbook definition, and they’re nothing like this.
Im sorry so long. I have gone back and deleted and erased and changed a few things more than once. I hope this is enough to get my story out. Supposedly it’s what I need to do. I don’t know.
I look at my friends and family. The ones in a marriage or relationship, and they would never in a million years put up with this level of hurt and pain which is intentional at that and then I find myself being jealous of their strength & wisdom to know they wouldn’t put up with it. Why can’t I develop this strength? I have been to a counselor but feel they don’t understand-to them it’s just as easy as “you need to leave him!” (But, it’s not that easy) and I have been prescribed medicine to help combat anxiety/depression but, I won’t take it - because, according to him - I am the crazy one now bc I need medicine. I haven’t been allowed to cry in his presence for 2 years, bc if I do, it’s now my fault for putting him in this mood and his moods are intense. Unlike anything I’ve seen.
Here are a few examples of what things are like:
1. I had dental appointment couple weeks ago, they asked me to take a Valium and they were going to give me Nitrous oxide as well to get through the procedure. They required me to have a driver, or they wouldn’t see me. I had no choice but to ask him. The entire way there, he ridiculed, yelled, insulted, screamed, etc — at one point (red light) I literally tried getting out of the car. This is how horrible it was. I got to the dental office, the Valium obviously not working bc he had me so upset and nervous. They put the gas on, still not enough to get me calm enough, and had to reschedule the entire procedure bc I was too visibly upset to continue. The entire way home, was worse than the way there. And, guess whose fault it was? Mine. It is always my fault.
2. This afternoon, he really sliced deep with his words. My father is in cancer treatment and receiving chemo & radiation. He said this “You must be so ashamed of your life. I’d be embarrassed if I were you, the only thing your good at is eating and sleeping. You have nobody, and all you have is your mom and dying father”. I blocked him after this. I truly want to keep him there too.
3. He starts group texts with people at work. I think their are 4 of them besides him. He will start stories and situations about me. One time, it was that I was cheating some guy from the job site (totally not true!) and it got so bad that they included this man in on the text, he was just as clueless as I was, but ended up getting really mad, and supposedly had it out with my guy during lunch. Guess whose fault that was? Mine. Supposedly I somehow magically knew this man they were using and his phone # and called him and told him this was happening. Later, he sent the entire group my phone number & address and told them if they wanted a good time, to stop over.
***I live alone, I live very rural. I was livid he gave a bunch of people I don’t know, and he barely knows my address and phone #. I got really irate over this. Maybe almost going off the deep end. Guess who ended up being the bad guy? Me. He was only trying to be funny and joke, and I can’t have fun.
I haven’t been able to stop crying since he has said this to me about my family and dad. I’m literally shaking and feel very like Im going to pass out.
I don’t know what more to do, other than keep him on block on my phone - But, I guarantee I’ll take him off. I just know what I’m feeling, and it’s not bc I can’t be without his accusations and nasty ways ... it’s because I honestly believe I have no one else. Partially true, bc I’ve become so isolated. I’m scared of dealing with my dads illness alone, without support. Yet, is he supportive? No. Very much the opposite. The day my dad had major surgery where we wouldn’t know the outcome - could he try just for an hour to be nice? No. In fact the opposite. I had to kick him out & lock him out of my home that night.
I have asked myself 500 or more times why I stay, and I don’t have an answer other than my fear/thoughts above. I honestly don’t know how much more of this I can handle and by that I also mean the pain and time and work it’s going to require to get over him, the scars and my own personal fears.
If anything, could you please say a prayer or send good vibes that for once, I will remain strong and do the right thing.
Will it get better? Can you overcome this? Is it the alcohol, or is it the man? I have known a few people who could be considered alcoholics by textbook definition, and they’re nothing like this.
Im sorry so long. I have gone back and deleted and erased and changed a few things more than once. I hope this is enough to get my story out. Supposedly it’s what I need to do. I don’t know.
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Location: Where I’ve longed to be all my life…..here, now.
Posts: 7,327
Sending prayers Dazed.
He sounds like a dangerous man who is intent on destroying you mentally and emotionally as well as physically and financially.
Call an abuse hotline right away.
Glad you posted. Re read your post ad if someone else wrote it. What would you think they should do?
Best,
He sounds like a dangerous man who is intent on destroying you mentally and emotionally as well as physically and financially.
Call an abuse hotline right away.
Glad you posted. Re read your post ad if someone else wrote it. What would you think they should do?
Best,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 11
He is a severe alcoholic. He drinks everyday from morning (yes, morning) until he ends up passing out at night. He drinks on the job, everyday. I don’t know why the company allows this - the safety concerns for not only him, but others at the job, in his line of work could cause serious safety issues for him or his co-workers.
I do not usually comment on his drinking. I have learned this is not the best thing to do. I do not ask him to stop or cut back. I have before in the past made a few requests but, have never threatened a “do this, or else” —
I do not usually comment on his drinking. I have learned this is not the best thing to do. I do not ask him to stop or cut back. I have before in the past made a few requests but, have never threatened a “do this, or else” —
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,853
Will it get better? No, not if you don't stay away from him. NO CONTACT.
He is a monster. He is abusing you. He wants to destroy you. It makes him feel good to see you suffering. What he is doing has nothing to do with drinking. There is something terribly wrong with him and he enjoys torturing you.
Will it be easy? No. It will not. But, there is support out there for people just like you. I agree with Free that you need to call the domestic violence hotline.
1-800-799-7233. website: https://www.thehotline.org/
They can help you. There are support groups for victims of domestic violence that will help you understand that you are NOT alone.
He is a monster. He is abusing you. He wants to destroy you. It makes him feel good to see you suffering. What he is doing has nothing to do with drinking. There is something terribly wrong with him and he enjoys torturing you.
Will it be easy? No. It will not. But, there is support out there for people just like you. I agree with Free that you need to call the domestic violence hotline.
1-800-799-7233. website: https://www.thehotline.org/
They can help you. There are support groups for victims of domestic violence that will help you understand that you are NOT alone.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,969
So so glad you found Soberrecovery Dazed! Also very sorry that you are in a position that brings you here. What you are experiencing is beyond beyond painful.
It sounds like you are doubtful that you can stay no-contact. Many of us struggled to do this too. It is quite likely that you can't do this alone. Please please call the domestic abuse line as suggested. Also you might look into Alanon. It isn't for everyone but has been a lifesaver for many.
Let us know how you are doing even if you find yourself back in contact with this guy.
It sounds like you are doubtful that you can stay no-contact. Many of us struggled to do this too. It is quite likely that you can't do this alone. Please please call the domestic abuse line as suggested. Also you might look into Alanon. It isn't for everyone but has been a lifesaver for many.
Let us know how you are doing even if you find yourself back in contact with this guy.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,610
Hi Dazed, sorry to hear of the situation you are in. I'm glad you found sober recovery though.
As suki said, this has nothing to do with drinking, he is unbalanced. Nothing he is doing is anywhere near "normal". Could alcohol spur him on? Absolutely, but there is no excuse for the way he treats you, none. He may have some kind of personality disorder, who knows? All of that is irrelevant.
You mention you are scared to be alone and I can understand that. I also understand that you are isolated.
Do you both work for the same company? I'm wondering because of the text you mentioned he sent to those other guys and the fact you found out about it.
All I can tell you is what I would suggest.
First thing, call the Abuse Hotline. Don't be frightened to. They are kind and they are there to help. They will talk to you and they will let you know what resources are nearby. They are open 24 hours a day.
You mention friends and family. Do you have a few that you trust? Do you keep his abuse a secret? If so I would recommend calling one or two that you trust and telling them your story. No need to be ashamed, this is not your shame to carry, it is not your secret to keep, be open, tell them your truth. I suggest this as, just as if one of your family or friends were hurting and scared you would want them to reach out, I'm sure they feel the same about you.
Abuse is a vicious cycle. I get that you are confused about why you stay. You say you are to "blame". No need to blame yourself, you have found yourself stuck in a situation that is complicated by the abuse. It has had the effect on you of almost holding you prisoner, that's not your fault.
You can get stuck in a kind of fog when abused where your thinking is not quite clear. Fear replaces reason. That's why you should reach out to a trusted few for advice. Don't isolate yourself with him.
Keep him blocked, there is nothing good to be found there. He is not on your side! You need to protect yourself.
As Bekindalways said, whether you do or don't, don't hesitate to post. Post as often as you like, there is a lot of wisdom here and support.
As suki said, this has nothing to do with drinking, he is unbalanced. Nothing he is doing is anywhere near "normal". Could alcohol spur him on? Absolutely, but there is no excuse for the way he treats you, none. He may have some kind of personality disorder, who knows? All of that is irrelevant.
You mention you are scared to be alone and I can understand that. I also understand that you are isolated.
Do you both work for the same company? I'm wondering because of the text you mentioned he sent to those other guys and the fact you found out about it.
All I can tell you is what I would suggest.
First thing, call the Abuse Hotline. Don't be frightened to. They are kind and they are there to help. They will talk to you and they will let you know what resources are nearby. They are open 24 hours a day.
You mention friends and family. Do you have a few that you trust? Do you keep his abuse a secret? If so I would recommend calling one or two that you trust and telling them your story. No need to be ashamed, this is not your shame to carry, it is not your secret to keep, be open, tell them your truth. I suggest this as, just as if one of your family or friends were hurting and scared you would want them to reach out, I'm sure they feel the same about you.
Abuse is a vicious cycle. I get that you are confused about why you stay. You say you are to "blame". No need to blame yourself, you have found yourself stuck in a situation that is complicated by the abuse. It has had the effect on you of almost holding you prisoner, that's not your fault.
You can get stuck in a kind of fog when abused where your thinking is not quite clear. Fear replaces reason. That's why you should reach out to a trusted few for advice. Don't isolate yourself with him.
Keep him blocked, there is nothing good to be found there. He is not on your side! You need to protect yourself.
As Bekindalways said, whether you do or don't, don't hesitate to post. Post as often as you like, there is a lot of wisdom here and support.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, Dazed.
Welcome.
This is, to me, a case of emotional abuse, and it’s something you will need to get away from.
But not on your own.
Grab some support wherever you can.
Family, domestic abuse agency, abuse hotline.
Anything and everything.
This is not, imo, a safe situation, and your counselor is right.
You need to be away from this person, as he sounds unstable.
I hope you will continue to post. There is a lot of support here.
Good luck and good thoughts.
Welcome.
This is, to me, a case of emotional abuse, and it’s something you will need to get away from.
But not on your own.
Grab some support wherever you can.
Family, domestic abuse agency, abuse hotline.
Anything and everything.
This is not, imo, a safe situation, and your counselor is right.
You need to be away from this person, as he sounds unstable.
I hope you will continue to post. There is a lot of support here.
Good luck and good thoughts.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 543
Hi, my heart goes out to you. You sound in such bad shape emotionally, and you need to give yourself a break from this person to build your strength back up.
Sorry if this sounds a silly question..but is there anything at all which is nice about him?
sending love xxx
Sorry if this sounds a silly question..but is there anything at all which is nice about him?
sending love xxx
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 11
Thank you all for your support, sounds like maybe I’m dealing with more than someone troubled by alcohol alone. That could make sense why things just aren’t adding up, and why things are much worse than they’ve been. This extreme side has been going on since late spring.
As far as the domestic abuse hotline. Is this confidential? I’m always so worried about getting caught that I called or worse. What if they say, this is only for those in physically abusive situations? He’s not physically done anything.
As far as a support system, this is my doctor & counselor only and I seem them every other week. My dads health and bc my mom is depressed and worried about him, the last thing I can do is tell them (they also don’t know I’m back with him, and they never were really aware of the severity of it) - I do have one friend who has fought to stay in my life despite my best efforts of isolation from her too. The problem with her is, I was so ashamed when she witnessed a moment, that I told her I kicked him out as she wanted me to call the someone and to get her to stop talking about it, I told her I finally reached the end and he would never be allowed back in my life. I can’t remember anymore if I truly meant it at the time, or if I just said it to get her to stop worrying about me. Probably little both to be honest. Regardless, the plan didn’t work and of course he’s still around. I simply can’t tell her he is still here. I can’t risk losing another friend right now.
He’s always to leave me, or how I’ll never hear from him again. It causes me panic and my mind starts racing - “what if he’s right? what if I am the problem? What can I do to change, so he changes? What if it is me, and not him at all? What if someone else gets the good person, he was 4 years ago?” I don’t even believe myself anymore. It’s like I question who I even am anymore. I have tried compromising with him more than you know, but it’s either not enough, or suddenly it’s a whole new problem. If I dare question or ask for decency- he talks to me like I’m a child, asking me why he goes off like this, and what made him do this - he wants me to say it’s me.
His brother won’t talk to him anymore. He has written him off, they haven’t talked since June. His mom will keep in contact with me from time to time as she has herself asked if I knew what was happening with him, and that he needs help and can I help? Of course, everyone (including myself) blamed the booze. She herself will admit he is controlling and clearly tries to start and pick fights. So, in some regards I hear from others who know him, it’s him.
As far as how I found out about the group text, he was making out loud comments and laughing a lot while on his phone, that lead me to question if he was having fun at my expense with XY&Z. He did find it very funny, and thought it was very cute. So, he started sharing some of the stuff people were saying and I asked to see the string of texts for myself to see what was being said, and he did show me. I think this is why when I got mad, he got mad bc according to him it was all fun & games and supposed to be funny, but as I tried explaining to him, giving my real address to people I don’t know and you barely know, isn’t a joke. Maybe giving them a fake address, but no. It was my true address. But to him, it was funny and I was the bad one for being upset by it.
Im sorry for rambling. It’s 4:00am here and maybe I’ll try to go back to bed. I haven’t been sleeping normal in several weeks, tonight is particularly bad as I keep waking up with my heart racing. I just came into my room as I fall asleep on the couch and I’m so dizzy - not only am I spinning, but the entire room is.
As far as the domestic abuse hotline. Is this confidential? I’m always so worried about getting caught that I called or worse. What if they say, this is only for those in physically abusive situations? He’s not physically done anything.
As far as a support system, this is my doctor & counselor only and I seem them every other week. My dads health and bc my mom is depressed and worried about him, the last thing I can do is tell them (they also don’t know I’m back with him, and they never were really aware of the severity of it) - I do have one friend who has fought to stay in my life despite my best efforts of isolation from her too. The problem with her is, I was so ashamed when she witnessed a moment, that I told her I kicked him out as she wanted me to call the someone and to get her to stop talking about it, I told her I finally reached the end and he would never be allowed back in my life. I can’t remember anymore if I truly meant it at the time, or if I just said it to get her to stop worrying about me. Probably little both to be honest. Regardless, the plan didn’t work and of course he’s still around. I simply can’t tell her he is still here. I can’t risk losing another friend right now.
He’s always to leave me, or how I’ll never hear from him again. It causes me panic and my mind starts racing - “what if he’s right? what if I am the problem? What can I do to change, so he changes? What if it is me, and not him at all? What if someone else gets the good person, he was 4 years ago?” I don’t even believe myself anymore. It’s like I question who I even am anymore. I have tried compromising with him more than you know, but it’s either not enough, or suddenly it’s a whole new problem. If I dare question or ask for decency- he talks to me like I’m a child, asking me why he goes off like this, and what made him do this - he wants me to say it’s me.
His brother won’t talk to him anymore. He has written him off, they haven’t talked since June. His mom will keep in contact with me from time to time as she has herself asked if I knew what was happening with him, and that he needs help and can I help? Of course, everyone (including myself) blamed the booze. She herself will admit he is controlling and clearly tries to start and pick fights. So, in some regards I hear from others who know him, it’s him.
As far as how I found out about the group text, he was making out loud comments and laughing a lot while on his phone, that lead me to question if he was having fun at my expense with XY&Z. He did find it very funny, and thought it was very cute. So, he started sharing some of the stuff people were saying and I asked to see the string of texts for myself to see what was being said, and he did show me. I think this is why when I got mad, he got mad bc according to him it was all fun & games and supposed to be funny, but as I tried explaining to him, giving my real address to people I don’t know and you barely know, isn’t a joke. Maybe giving them a fake address, but no. It was my true address. But to him, it was funny and I was the bad one for being upset by it.
Im sorry for rambling. It’s 4:00am here and maybe I’ll try to go back to bed. I haven’t been sleeping normal in several weeks, tonight is particularly bad as I keep waking up with my heart racing. I just came into my room as I fall asleep on the couch and I’m so dizzy - not only am I spinning, but the entire room is.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 1,355
May not be physical but certainly emotional abuse. That kind of abuse will affect every fibre, every tissue, every cell of your body. Those words, putting you down, gaslighting, and generally treating you poorly are a huge indicator that your confidence is at Rock bottom. Hopefully you ring the helpline which is confidential.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
The Helpline is confidential, and you don't have to have been hit. Your ABF sounds like a nightmare to deal with. Please stay away if you can. And be careful, they don't like people leaving.
Can you build up a support network? Friends, family, professionals, your doctor, church members or the pastor. Try not to isolate yourself. Have you considered getting a house mate perhaps. I'm sure that once you start thinking about your situation you'll come up with some ideas yourself.
Can you build up a support network? Friends, family, professionals, your doctor, church members or the pastor. Try not to isolate yourself. Have you considered getting a house mate perhaps. I'm sure that once you start thinking about your situation you'll come up with some ideas yourself.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,610
I hope you will call the DV hotline, it is free it is confidential
I'm sure some of the items below sound familiar. Please call as soon as you can, even if you have to make up that you need to make a trip to the grocery store. You need assistance and the sooner the better. Perhaps you could go to your Mom and Dad's house and call from there?
I know your Mom and Dad are going through a very difficult time but perhaps you can speak to your Mom. Think about it, if you had a child, would you want them to hesitate in talking to you about this? I'm sure the answer is no. Well your Mom probably feels the same way.
Some of the signs of an abusive relationship include a partner who:
Tells you that you can never do anything right
Shows extreme jealousy of your friends and time spent away
Keeps you or discourages you from seeing friends or family members
Insults, demeans or shames you with put-downs
Controls every penny spent in the household
Takes your money or refuses to give you money for necessary expenses
Looks at you or acts in ways that scare you
Controls who you see, where you go, or what you do
Prevents you from making your own decisions
Tells you that you are a bad parent or threatens to harm or take away your children
Prevents you from working or attending school
Destroys your property or threatens to hurt or kill your pets
Intimidates you with guns, knives or other weapons
Pressures you to have sex when you don’t want to or do things sexually you’re not comfortable with
Pressures you to use drugs or alcohol
What to Expect When You Contact Us
Every contact to The Hotline is unique. Some callers identify as survivors of abuse, some as abusive partners and some as concerned family members and friends seeking help for someone else. While every contact is specific to the individual, here are some phrases and questions that advocates use consistently to best help each caller or chatter.
“Thanks for reaching out.”
You might feel anxious about contacting The Hotline, especially if you haven’t reached out for help before. We are completely confidential and anonymous, and our advocates have extensive training in issues related to domestic violence. Reaching out for help is the first step toward improving your situation, whatever that may be, and we are glad to be of service when someone takes this important step.
I'm sure some of the items below sound familiar. Please call as soon as you can, even if you have to make up that you need to make a trip to the grocery store. You need assistance and the sooner the better. Perhaps you could go to your Mom and Dad's house and call from there?
I know your Mom and Dad are going through a very difficult time but perhaps you can speak to your Mom. Think about it, if you had a child, would you want them to hesitate in talking to you about this? I'm sure the answer is no. Well your Mom probably feels the same way.
Some of the signs of an abusive relationship include a partner who:
Tells you that you can never do anything right
Shows extreme jealousy of your friends and time spent away
Keeps you or discourages you from seeing friends or family members
Insults, demeans or shames you with put-downs
Controls every penny spent in the household
Takes your money or refuses to give you money for necessary expenses
Looks at you or acts in ways that scare you
Controls who you see, where you go, or what you do
Prevents you from making your own decisions
Tells you that you are a bad parent or threatens to harm or take away your children
Prevents you from working or attending school
Destroys your property or threatens to hurt or kill your pets
Intimidates you with guns, knives or other weapons
Pressures you to have sex when you don’t want to or do things sexually you’re not comfortable with
Pressures you to use drugs or alcohol
What to Expect When You Contact Us
Every contact to The Hotline is unique. Some callers identify as survivors of abuse, some as abusive partners and some as concerned family members and friends seeking help for someone else. While every contact is specific to the individual, here are some phrases and questions that advocates use consistently to best help each caller or chatter.
“Thanks for reaching out.”
You might feel anxious about contacting The Hotline, especially if you haven’t reached out for help before. We are completely confidential and anonymous, and our advocates have extensive training in issues related to domestic violence. Reaching out for help is the first step toward improving your situation, whatever that may be, and we are glad to be of service when someone takes this important step.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Originally Posted by Dazed4once 
Will it get better? Can you overcome this? Is it the alcohol, or is it the man?
I only say this because I did the same thing: I waited and worked on the relationship with AXH, hoping it would get better if I only tried a little harder. (16 years) And for most of that time, I thought, "if only he'd stop drinking, things would get better."
Sending hugs, if OK, Dazed. Reaching out to the DV hotline is a good idea and as others have noted, it's confidential. However, if he has access to your cell phone, or your landline phone bill, if it itemizes the numbers called, I would call from a different phone. (So he can't see the number and figure out who you're calling.) Just something to keep in mind.
Counselors at DV resources will never tell you what you _have_ to do, but will listen and provide information. They'll also help you find resources for the steps you're ready to take.
Trailmix shared some great info about the warning signs of abuse. I also hesitated to contact the local DV resources because my first thought was always, "but he hasn't _actually_ hit me." However, abuse is more about control than simply inflicting physical damage. The abuser's actions, whether hitting, insulting, threatening or isolating, are all about getting the other person to do or not do something, or to behave, think or believe in a certain way.
Hang in there. You're so much stronger than you may remember.
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 184
Hi Dazed,
He is both an abuser and an alcoholic. The research will tell you that alcohol doesn’t cause abuse—they are abusers to begin with, but it does increase the propensity for violence and the level of violence in your relationship.
In addition to calling the DV hotline, there are also chat and text lines if that’s easier for you. Most of the websites for DV will have an escape button, too, if you need to close the page.
Please get help. I lived through it and it was very, very hard. I’m on the other side and he’s out of the house. Don’t let it get as violent as my situation had become. Best to you.
He is both an abuser and an alcoholic. The research will tell you that alcohol doesn’t cause abuse—they are abusers to begin with, but it does increase the propensity for violence and the level of violence in your relationship.
In addition to calling the DV hotline, there are also chat and text lines if that’s easier for you. Most of the websites for DV will have an escape button, too, if you need to close the page.
Please get help. I lived through it and it was very, very hard. I’m on the other side and he’s out of the house. Don’t let it get as violent as my situation had become. Best to you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 11
I need to apologize for not staying in touch ... I have had several replies typed out but then delete them, or like the one I was writing at 4am last night, ended up disappearing when I fell asleep. I also want to send out a huge Thank you for all your support and eye opening advice.
My days and nights are all messed up right now, I’ve never been so lost maybe is the word. I do work, thankful it’s flexible and I have been able to do a lot from home.
i still have not taken him off block. Sadly when you block someone, they still can leave a voicemail. That alone does not make any sense to me. Blocked should be blocked. Granted, it doesn’t notify me he called or even left a message, but when I go to my voicemail for another message (which I get a lot of in a day) I see it there as a blocked message. I can listen to them. I tried to turn off voicemail but I don’t know how. Of course my phone is part of my business and it would be hard to turn voicemail off, or change my phone number.
The messages he is leaving aren’t nasty. They are messages such as “if you want to try again, I’m willing” or the best was “call me back or don’t, I don’t care” and then 8 hours later another saying “Good!” Hopefully he’s done now.
He has item at my home he needs to get. It’s something he won’t leave behind and I get that. It’s nothimg I can remove on my own. I plan on sending a certified letter informing him he needs to get it by such and such and if not, will be removed. Prior to my blocking him, he was telling me he would be here to get it. It is his favorite to discuss how he’s going to take it - I think he thinks that bothers me. It doesn’t. I want it gone. His other favorite thing to do was break up with me every other day. I’d never make much over it bc he never meant it. I often wished he did mean it, but I’m not going to lie, sometimes the thought of it sent me into a sad state of mind.
I’m a passive pushover personality. He knows this. It’s worked well for him. If I try being assertive I feel like the bad guy.
I think I’m going to reach out to DV. So far I’ve been doing somewhat OK. But I’m going to lose my strength soon and feel I need to unblock him. And, I don’t want to.
My days and nights are all messed up right now, I’ve never been so lost maybe is the word. I do work, thankful it’s flexible and I have been able to do a lot from home.
i still have not taken him off block. Sadly when you block someone, they still can leave a voicemail. That alone does not make any sense to me. Blocked should be blocked. Granted, it doesn’t notify me he called or even left a message, but when I go to my voicemail for another message (which I get a lot of in a day) I see it there as a blocked message. I can listen to them. I tried to turn off voicemail but I don’t know how. Of course my phone is part of my business and it would be hard to turn voicemail off, or change my phone number.
The messages he is leaving aren’t nasty. They are messages such as “if you want to try again, I’m willing” or the best was “call me back or don’t, I don’t care” and then 8 hours later another saying “Good!” Hopefully he’s done now.
He has item at my home he needs to get. It’s something he won’t leave behind and I get that. It’s nothimg I can remove on my own. I plan on sending a certified letter informing him he needs to get it by such and such and if not, will be removed. Prior to my blocking him, he was telling me he would be here to get it. It is his favorite to discuss how he’s going to take it - I think he thinks that bothers me. It doesn’t. I want it gone. His other favorite thing to do was break up with me every other day. I’d never make much over it bc he never meant it. I often wished he did mean it, but I’m not going to lie, sometimes the thought of it sent me into a sad state of mind.
I’m a passive pushover personality. He knows this. It’s worked well for him. If I try being assertive I feel like the bad guy.
I think I’m going to reach out to DV. So far I’ve been doing somewhat OK. But I’m going to lose my strength soon and feel I need to unblock him. And, I don’t want to.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,610
Hi Dazed, glad you posted again.
I hope you will not unblock him right now. You need time to clear the fog (normal in an abusive relationship) and be able to make clear decisions that will be best for you.
As for this stuff, I would hold off doing anything about that until you have spoken to the DV. They know about such things, they know about ensuring your safety. Honestly, he sounds dangerous. I am not saying that to scare you but being on your guard is important.
They may even be able to send an advocate to be with you while he picks up his things or put you on to a police contact so that you can have an officer there while he collects whatever it is he needs.
Under no circumstances should you be alone with him right now.
Take care of yourself and don't hesitate to keep posting!
I hope you will not unblock him right now. You need time to clear the fog (normal in an abusive relationship) and be able to make clear decisions that will be best for you.
As for this stuff, I would hold off doing anything about that until you have spoken to the DV. They know about such things, they know about ensuring your safety. Honestly, he sounds dangerous. I am not saying that to scare you but being on your guard is important.
They may even be able to send an advocate to be with you while he picks up his things or put you on to a police contact so that you can have an officer there while he collects whatever it is he needs.
Under no circumstances should you be alone with him right now.
Take care of yourself and don't hesitate to keep posting!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 11
Thank you for pointing out that his ways are abusive and monstrous. It helps to hear this.
Someone asked me if he had good qualities. I’m sure he once did, or maybe I wouldn’t of stayed. It’s hard to know what I was thinking that day almost 4 years ago.
I do remember askimg myself very very shortly after the relationship began “Why him?” ... I asked myself why before his negative ways even began. But their was something I didn’t like but couldn’t put my finger on it. He was so sweet and loving and seemed to really care a lot about me, that I was convinced I just wasn’t being fair to him or myself.
He was charming and very attentive. I think I liked the attention. I don’t think, I know I did. I was lonely then too. He spoke to me as though he knew me, understood me and wanted to be with me. He would send me amazing messages through the day. It almost felt like he admired me, and he definitely looked at me like I had never felt anyone look at me before.
Boy was I fooled! To be completely honest, I don’t even remember him drinking the first several times we went out, but he must’ve. I just didn’t pay attention or feel it was an issue. Lots of people have a drink or 2.
Today? None of the above is the same. Once in a great while if I am completely perfect in every way, he will have a good moment and start his, “aren’t we perfect together?” routine. But, when I say I have to be perfect, I mean, I have to be happy but not overly happy, bc overly happy was suspicious to him. I can’t show any signs of not feeling well or being upset, hurt, angry or otherwise. If he made a joke that wasn’t funny and even on the verge of insulting, I had to laugh. It was then, he was OK to deal with. But, very exhausting for me.
He did not ever want to go out, it was always staying in. If I’d go out, he would become jealous and start accusing me of cheating on him. If we did go out, he had to be home by dark at the latest so we rarely even went out. I have walked out of countless restaurants due to him causing a scene, and it just got to the point, it was more trouble going out, than it was just staying in and being bored. I wouldn’t take him around my friends or family due to fear of him causing a scene around them, which happened more than once and it just got to the point, I wouldn’t even go with him.
He gets so intoxicated he passes out, he has fallen asleep more on my front porch or couch than he has my bed. Their is no awaking him. He’s completely out. He will often wake up and walk into my closet and urinates on my floor thinking he’s in the bathroom. Our intimate life was nonexistent as you can imagine. If he could perform (which was morning hours only), I wasn’t into it bc of his moods and behaviors.
Thank you for giving me a place to vent and share things I’ve not shared with many.
Someone asked me if he had good qualities. I’m sure he once did, or maybe I wouldn’t of stayed. It’s hard to know what I was thinking that day almost 4 years ago.
I do remember askimg myself very very shortly after the relationship began “Why him?” ... I asked myself why before his negative ways even began. But their was something I didn’t like but couldn’t put my finger on it. He was so sweet and loving and seemed to really care a lot about me, that I was convinced I just wasn’t being fair to him or myself.
He was charming and very attentive. I think I liked the attention. I don’t think, I know I did. I was lonely then too. He spoke to me as though he knew me, understood me and wanted to be with me. He would send me amazing messages through the day. It almost felt like he admired me, and he definitely looked at me like I had never felt anyone look at me before.
Boy was I fooled! To be completely honest, I don’t even remember him drinking the first several times we went out, but he must’ve. I just didn’t pay attention or feel it was an issue. Lots of people have a drink or 2.
Today? None of the above is the same. Once in a great while if I am completely perfect in every way, he will have a good moment and start his, “aren’t we perfect together?” routine. But, when I say I have to be perfect, I mean, I have to be happy but not overly happy, bc overly happy was suspicious to him. I can’t show any signs of not feeling well or being upset, hurt, angry or otherwise. If he made a joke that wasn’t funny and even on the verge of insulting, I had to laugh. It was then, he was OK to deal with. But, very exhausting for me.
He did not ever want to go out, it was always staying in. If I’d go out, he would become jealous and start accusing me of cheating on him. If we did go out, he had to be home by dark at the latest so we rarely even went out. I have walked out of countless restaurants due to him causing a scene, and it just got to the point, it was more trouble going out, than it was just staying in and being bored. I wouldn’t take him around my friends or family due to fear of him causing a scene around them, which happened more than once and it just got to the point, I wouldn’t even go with him.
He gets so intoxicated he passes out, he has fallen asleep more on my front porch or couch than he has my bed. Their is no awaking him. He’s completely out. He will often wake up and walk into my closet and urinates on my floor thinking he’s in the bathroom. Our intimate life was nonexistent as you can imagine. If he could perform (which was morning hours only), I wasn’t into it bc of his moods and behaviors.
Thank you for giving me a place to vent and share things I’ve not shared with many.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 11
Thank you for letting me know I’m welcome to keep posting, bc I really need this right now. It is helpful reading and having a place to open up to.
I’m starting to truly believe he is dangerous and it is scary. I know you aren’t trying to frighten me, but only trying to inform me so I do the right thing and I appreciate this. Very much.
The problem with him getting his belonging, he won’t give me a day he’s coming. I have tried many times before asking him to get this and to give me a day it would be done. As you can probably tell this isn’t our first rodeo. However, I want it to be the last. He has gotten significantly worse. I’m not the only one to see it. I’ve had his one friend and his parent call me in the last months, asking me for help to help him. I tried. I can’t. At what cost? My sanity or safety? No thanks. And, I can only hope this strength I seem to have currently lasts.
Anyway, the idea of having someone here when he retrieves his property, is something I have thought of, and I like the idea, but again - he won’t tell me when he will come. He says, I’ll let you know. Or, you don’t need to worry about when. This is bc the item is outdoors, and he doesn’t need access to my home.
I’m starting to truly believe he is dangerous and it is scary. I know you aren’t trying to frighten me, but only trying to inform me so I do the right thing and I appreciate this. Very much.
The problem with him getting his belonging, he won’t give me a day he’s coming. I have tried many times before asking him to get this and to give me a day it would be done. As you can probably tell this isn’t our first rodeo. However, I want it to be the last. He has gotten significantly worse. I’m not the only one to see it. I’ve had his one friend and his parent call me in the last months, asking me for help to help him. I tried. I can’t. At what cost? My sanity or safety? No thanks. And, I can only hope this strength I seem to have currently lasts.
Anyway, the idea of having someone here when he retrieves his property, is something I have thought of, and I like the idea, but again - he won’t tell me when he will come. He says, I’ll let you know. Or, you don’t need to worry about when. This is bc the item is outdoors, and he doesn’t need access to my home.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,610
It's just another manipulation, another way to keep you guessing. "You don’t need to worry about when" is rude, condescending and controlling.
Normal, people don't play ridiculous games like that.
You may need to send that letter but again, I would speak with DV first. I'm sure there are things that you haven't thought of that they will know about. Who knows how abusers really think (unless you are one) and the thing is they have a wealth of experience.
If he won't leave you alone and you have asked him to there is the possibility of getting a restraining order. In that case he would have to set up a time, probably through a 3rd party to collect his belongings.
Anyway, I'm just throwing these things out there off the top of my head, I'm certainly no expert but I do know abuse when I see it/hear about it and there is no question this is abuse.
I assume he has no access to your house, he doesn't have keys or a garage door opener etc. If he does I would recommend having the locks changed right away.
Normal, people don't play ridiculous games like that.
You may need to send that letter but again, I would speak with DV first. I'm sure there are things that you haven't thought of that they will know about. Who knows how abusers really think (unless you are one) and the thing is they have a wealth of experience.
If he won't leave you alone and you have asked him to there is the possibility of getting a restraining order. In that case he would have to set up a time, probably through a 3rd party to collect his belongings.
Anyway, I'm just throwing these things out there off the top of my head, I'm certainly no expert but I do know abuse when I see it/hear about it and there is no question this is abuse.
I assume he has no access to your house, he doesn't have keys or a garage door opener etc. If he does I would recommend having the locks changed right away.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
