Why Do I Need Help? He's the Alcoholic!
Barn Goddess
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Southern NJ
Posts: 250
Why Do I Need Help? He's the Alcoholic!
I've been reading through the posts in General Recovery forum (lots of really good stuff there). I found this, posted by Doug, and it really hit the nail on the head... Thought I'd share.
Why Do I Need Help? He's the Alcoholic!
Alcoholism is a disease that affects every member of the family, to the extent that the kids who make it into the Alateen rooms report they generally have more problems dealing with the non-drinking parent than they do the alcoholic.
What? But I don't have a problem! He... him... he's the alcoholic! He's the one who causes all the problems! He's the one in trouble all the time ...
True, but he's also predictable. Kids can read the alcoholic like a book. They know exactly when it's the right time to ask for extra money, or to go somewhere with their friends, and also know when it's time to make themselves scarce and get out of the way. They know the routine as far as the alcoholic is concerned. But they never know where the bedraggled non-drinking parent is coming from next.
One minute she (or he as the case may be) is screaming at the alcoholic -- threatening him with everything from from divorce to death -- and the next minute she may be compassionately rescuing him from the consequences of his latest episode -- dutifully cleaning up his messes, making excuses for him and accepting an increasing degree of unacceptable behavior.
The truth is the disease of alcoholism has affected her life, her attitude and her thinking perhaps more dramatically than it has the drinking spouse and she may not even realize it.
Why? Because it crept up on her slowly.
Frog In The Water
A few years back, there was a story going around the 12-step rooms about a frog in the water. It goes like this:
If you put a frog into a pan of boiling water, it will jump out faster than the eye can see. But if you put the frog into a pan of water that is the frog's body temperature and then slowly turn up the heat the frog will stay in the water -- even to the point of boiling alive. Why? Because the frog does not notice the gradual change in temperature.
Alcoholism works the same way... the heat is constantly turned up but nobody notices. Cunning and baffling! A progressive disease. It may start out with casually accepting unacceptable behavior -- Oh, he didn't mean that, he just had too much to drink last night. A few years down the road the behavior has slowly grown more and more intolerable, but it is still being accepted and becomes the "norm."
She ends up with chaos in her own home that a few short years ago would have been unthinkable. If she looked out the window and saw the same kind of things taking place across the street at the neighbor's house, she would probably pick up the phone and call 9-1-1 to get those people some help!
An Insidious Disease
As that same type of behavior becomes routine in her own home, the last thing that would occur to her is to pick up the telephone and get help. She has slowly been drawn into the thinking that the alcoholic should be protected. She has learned to cover for him, lie for him and hide the truth. She has learned to keep secrets, no matter how bad the chaos and insanity all around her has become.
Few who have been affected by the disease of alcoholism realize that by "protecting" the alcoholic with little lies and deceptions to the outside world, which have slowly but surely increased in size and dimension, she has actually created a situation that makes it easier for him to continue -- and progress -- in his downward spiral. Rather than help the alcoholic, and herself, she has actually enabled him to get worse.
The heat increased so gradually, over such an extended period of time, nobody noticed the water was beginning to boil and it was time to jump out of the pan.
The disease will continue to progress for the alcoholic until he is ready to reach out and get help for himself. Waiting for that to happen is not the only choice.
The other family members can begin to recover whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not. But it can't happen until somebody asks for help. There is hope and help out there.
Why Do I Need Help? He's the Alcoholic!
Alcoholism is a disease that affects every member of the family, to the extent that the kids who make it into the Alateen rooms report they generally have more problems dealing with the non-drinking parent than they do the alcoholic.
What? But I don't have a problem! He... him... he's the alcoholic! He's the one who causes all the problems! He's the one in trouble all the time ...
True, but he's also predictable. Kids can read the alcoholic like a book. They know exactly when it's the right time to ask for extra money, or to go somewhere with their friends, and also know when it's time to make themselves scarce and get out of the way. They know the routine as far as the alcoholic is concerned. But they never know where the bedraggled non-drinking parent is coming from next.
One minute she (or he as the case may be) is screaming at the alcoholic -- threatening him with everything from from divorce to death -- and the next minute she may be compassionately rescuing him from the consequences of his latest episode -- dutifully cleaning up his messes, making excuses for him and accepting an increasing degree of unacceptable behavior.
The truth is the disease of alcoholism has affected her life, her attitude and her thinking perhaps more dramatically than it has the drinking spouse and she may not even realize it.
Why? Because it crept up on her slowly.
Frog In The Water
A few years back, there was a story going around the 12-step rooms about a frog in the water. It goes like this:
If you put a frog into a pan of boiling water, it will jump out faster than the eye can see. But if you put the frog into a pan of water that is the frog's body temperature and then slowly turn up the heat the frog will stay in the water -- even to the point of boiling alive. Why? Because the frog does not notice the gradual change in temperature.
Alcoholism works the same way... the heat is constantly turned up but nobody notices. Cunning and baffling! A progressive disease. It may start out with casually accepting unacceptable behavior -- Oh, he didn't mean that, he just had too much to drink last night. A few years down the road the behavior has slowly grown more and more intolerable, but it is still being accepted and becomes the "norm."
She ends up with chaos in her own home that a few short years ago would have been unthinkable. If she looked out the window and saw the same kind of things taking place across the street at the neighbor's house, she would probably pick up the phone and call 9-1-1 to get those people some help!
An Insidious Disease
As that same type of behavior becomes routine in her own home, the last thing that would occur to her is to pick up the telephone and get help. She has slowly been drawn into the thinking that the alcoholic should be protected. She has learned to cover for him, lie for him and hide the truth. She has learned to keep secrets, no matter how bad the chaos and insanity all around her has become.
Few who have been affected by the disease of alcoholism realize that by "protecting" the alcoholic with little lies and deceptions to the outside world, which have slowly but surely increased in size and dimension, she has actually created a situation that makes it easier for him to continue -- and progress -- in his downward spiral. Rather than help the alcoholic, and herself, she has actually enabled him to get worse.
The heat increased so gradually, over such an extended period of time, nobody noticed the water was beginning to boil and it was time to jump out of the pan.
The disease will continue to progress for the alcoholic until he is ready to reach out and get help for himself. Waiting for that to happen is not the only choice.
The other family members can begin to recover whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not. But it can't happen until somebody asks for help. There is hope and help out there.
OH SH!T
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: RICHMOND,VIRGINIA-
Posts: 1,655
THANKS
I KNOW MY S/O PLAYED AN IMPORTANT PART IN MY RECOVERY.
SHE DIDN'T TOLERATE MY DRINKING ANY LONGER.
SHE DIDN'T ALLOW MY ADDICTION RUIN HER LIFE.
THANKFULLY SHE DID WHAT SHE NEEDED TO DO FOR HERSELF AND HER SON.
I'M GLAD TO SAY THAT LIFES A WHOLE LOT BETTER THAN IT WAS.
I REALLY RELATE TO THE FROG STORY.
NO ONE CAN MAKE YOU WELL,IT'S DEFINATLY AN INSIDE JOB!!!
...........ted
I KNOW MY S/O PLAYED AN IMPORTANT PART IN MY RECOVERY.
SHE DIDN'T TOLERATE MY DRINKING ANY LONGER.
SHE DIDN'T ALLOW MY ADDICTION RUIN HER LIFE.
THANKFULLY SHE DID WHAT SHE NEEDED TO DO FOR HERSELF AND HER SON.
I'M GLAD TO SAY THAT LIFES A WHOLE LOT BETTER THAN IT WAS.
I REALLY RELATE TO THE FROG STORY.
NO ONE CAN MAKE YOU WELL,IT'S DEFINATLY AN INSIDE JOB!!!
...........ted
Barn Goddess
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Southern NJ
Posts: 250
Originally Posted by ted
THANKS
I KNOW MY S/O PLAYED AN IMPORTANT PART IN MY RECOVERY.
SHE DIDN'T TOLERATE MY DRINKING ANY LONGER.
SHE DIDN'T ALLOW MY ADDICTION RUIN HER LIFE.
THANKFULLY SHE DID WHAT SHE NEEDED TO DO FOR HERSELF AND HER SON.
I'M GLAD TO SAY THAT LIFES A WHOLE LOT BETTER THAN IT WAS.
I REALLY RELATE TO THE FROG STORY.
NO ONE CAN MAKE YOU WELL,IT'S DEFINATLY AN INSIDE JOB!!!
...........ted
I KNOW MY S/O PLAYED AN IMPORTANT PART IN MY RECOVERY.
SHE DIDN'T TOLERATE MY DRINKING ANY LONGER.
SHE DIDN'T ALLOW MY ADDICTION RUIN HER LIFE.
THANKFULLY SHE DID WHAT SHE NEEDED TO DO FOR HERSELF AND HER SON.
I'M GLAD TO SAY THAT LIFES A WHOLE LOT BETTER THAN IT WAS.
I REALLY RELATE TO THE FROG STORY.
NO ONE CAN MAKE YOU WELL,IT'S DEFINATLY AN INSIDE JOB!!!
...........ted
GOOD FOR YOU,STAY STRONG..........ted 
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Western Wisconsin
Posts: 46
I used to wonder why women who were being abused just took it, and say to myself that I would never put up with it. I don't think I would, either. I believe my self-esteem is high enough not to tolerate abuse. But what I seem to have let happen is that the water temperature in my life has gotten pretty hot, and I have only recently noticed it. In essence, what is happening to me, is that I am allowing myself to live with alcoholism. What I try hard not to do is to let it control me or my emotions - although sometimes I'd like to strike out at my husband because he chooses to drink til he gets drunk. Maybe if HIS water got hot enough, he'd boil to death!
SJW
SJW
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Topeka Kansas
Posts: 2
I am looking for information about being the oldest son of an alcoholic. Had my eyes opened up the other night about my father and his addiction. Hurt and confused and do not know how to cope with him.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Western Wisconsin
Posts: 46
CCTE5,
You have made a start by coming to a forum board like this one. As you can see, there are lots of people dealing with just the kinds of trials you are facing. I'm sure that you will be told, if you don't know it already, about getting to an Al-anon meeting. There are meetings specifically for Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOA) as well. Whatever one you go to, you will learn how to cope with the trauma that alcoholism brings in to the lives of individuals connected with the addict. You can survive it, and even be happy. There is hope for a bright future for you. Your phone book and this site list meeting locations. You've done a brave thing by reaching out for help. You don't have to face this alone.
SJW
You have made a start by coming to a forum board like this one. As you can see, there are lots of people dealing with just the kinds of trials you are facing. I'm sure that you will be told, if you don't know it already, about getting to an Al-anon meeting. There are meetings specifically for Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOA) as well. Whatever one you go to, you will learn how to cope with the trauma that alcoholism brings in to the lives of individuals connected with the addict. You can survive it, and even be happy. There is hope for a bright future for you. Your phone book and this site list meeting locations. You've done a brave thing by reaching out for help. You don't have to face this alone.
SJW
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Tyler Texas
Posts: 1
Excited Misery
If IM not "Fixing" someone, I feel like IM out of a job.
If IM in boiling water, I feel safe. At least I know where I am.
Excited Misery.
That's how crazy it has become.
Abandonment, fear, the importance I feel as the savior!
The Martyr, who has everyone feeling so sorry for me.
Codependency is my first name.
Put me in a room with 500 people, I will walk out with the addict, and not even realize it. OR WANT IT!
I insist on letting the addict know what a loser he is.
I cut him down to size, I have become a professional when it comes to words, and wisdom, that will bring him to his depths. I then start to feel sorry for him, wanting to show him how important he is to all of us, and how much we all love him, while everyone soon see's me as the heartless witch.
It's hard to believe that someone has actually told me that IM THE PROBLEM!
ME? After all I've done to help?
My heart goes out to those who can relate, and I can certainly see the struggle and illness it has caused to myself, and the entire family.
He is predictable, I am not. So very true.
I do know that we as enablers, and all the other roles we play, have caused us to become so confused. We use to be so kind, giving, helpful, loving.
Perhaps we even trusted at one time. That went out the door long ago.
I don't like who I have become.
Don't these people appreciate us?
Detaching in a loving manner? That sounds impossible.
I's like watching a child cross a freeway, and not being able to rescue.
I have so much admiration for all who struggle with these issues. I want to say that for everyone who is here. You are truly special people.
Hang in there!
If IM in boiling water, I feel safe. At least I know where I am.
Excited Misery.
That's how crazy it has become.
Abandonment, fear, the importance I feel as the savior!
The Martyr, who has everyone feeling so sorry for me.
Codependency is my first name.
Put me in a room with 500 people, I will walk out with the addict, and not even realize it. OR WANT IT!
I insist on letting the addict know what a loser he is.
I cut him down to size, I have become a professional when it comes to words, and wisdom, that will bring him to his depths. I then start to feel sorry for him, wanting to show him how important he is to all of us, and how much we all love him, while everyone soon see's me as the heartless witch.
It's hard to believe that someone has actually told me that IM THE PROBLEM!
ME? After all I've done to help?
My heart goes out to those who can relate, and I can certainly see the struggle and illness it has caused to myself, and the entire family.
He is predictable, I am not. So very true.
I do know that we as enablers, and all the other roles we play, have caused us to become so confused. We use to be so kind, giving, helpful, loving.
Perhaps we even trusted at one time. That went out the door long ago.
I don't like who I have become.
Don't these people appreciate us?
Detaching in a loving manner? That sounds impossible.
I's like watching a child cross a freeway, and not being able to rescue.
I have so much admiration for all who struggle with these issues. I want to say that for everyone who is here. You are truly special people.
Hang in there!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Sutherlin Oregon
Posts: 7
This is the first time I have posted on here. I have spent the last few hours reading many postings. I have always felt so all alone, and didn't realize that there were so many people like me. I had never thought about things in the light that "why do I need help he's the Alcoholic" puts on things.
I have been married to an A for 14 years. He became an A after 5 years of marriage. I have two beautiful children, who are now teenagers that are starting to feel the embarassment of their fathers dieases.
I do not want to be a part of that embarassment for them by being the parent that is un predictable. I have always thought of my self as being the one who was the stable parent the one my kids knew they could always count on.
I have hit every reaction with my husband, I think that has been listed. I am to the point now, where I have a wall built up, and I try to let it all slide off.
I have found myself stationed at the house all the time. I have pulled myself back from my family. It is easier then to deal with ridicule of what I am married to. If they knew the total truth, I would be the one to hear about it. Not him. My children don't talk about that aspect of our life.
It is not only the husband that is the A, but his friends and cousins that are constantly around. It is the center of their lives. Then my husband will go through a guilty spurt, and try to control drink, he does better for a while, then it sprals down hill again.
With out the Alcohol he is a good man and father. There are so many things I could go on to say, but I could be typing for days.
I know that reading some of these postings has really given me more insite into what I feel, and how I react and how I should react. I know I want to be the best possible that I can for my children, to set the best possible example I can for them because I want more for them then what they have now.
What I want to know Is when will it finally stop? Or will it? I know that every one and everything is different, I just feel so lost at what to do, to make things better. I want the A to be out of our lives and I want the man that I married back.
I have been married to an A for 14 years. He became an A after 5 years of marriage. I have two beautiful children, who are now teenagers that are starting to feel the embarassment of their fathers dieases.
I do not want to be a part of that embarassment for them by being the parent that is un predictable. I have always thought of my self as being the one who was the stable parent the one my kids knew they could always count on.
I have hit every reaction with my husband, I think that has been listed. I am to the point now, where I have a wall built up, and I try to let it all slide off.
I have found myself stationed at the house all the time. I have pulled myself back from my family. It is easier then to deal with ridicule of what I am married to. If they knew the total truth, I would be the one to hear about it. Not him. My children don't talk about that aspect of our life.
It is not only the husband that is the A, but his friends and cousins that are constantly around. It is the center of their lives. Then my husband will go through a guilty spurt, and try to control drink, he does better for a while, then it sprals down hill again.
With out the Alcohol he is a good man and father. There are so many things I could go on to say, but I could be typing for days.
I know that reading some of these postings has really given me more insite into what I feel, and how I react and how I should react. I know I want to be the best possible that I can for my children, to set the best possible example I can for them because I want more for them then what they have now.
What I want to know Is when will it finally stop? Or will it? I know that every one and everything is different, I just feel so lost at what to do, to make things better. I want the A to be out of our lives and I want the man that I married back.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
shrinkal - coming to this site and posting means alot. it would behoove you to look into al-anon and alateen for your kids. all you can do is focus on changing your behaviors and attitudes. you will hear so many times - didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it.
most of here would tell you that our a's our sweet, kind folks without the alcohol. read all you can on this site and come back to vent, ask questions, etc.
welcome!
most of here would tell you that our a's our sweet, kind folks without the alcohol. read all you can on this site and come back to vent, ask questions, etc.
welcome!
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