Husband of recovering alcoholic
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Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 2
Husband of recovering alcoholic
Hi I'm new to forum and have enjoyed a lot of the post I have read. But I will say it just always seems to me it's more about the man alchoalco more than the woman, maybe it's just me .
My wife just got her 5 month chip and I'm very proud of her. But! Will my life ever get back to normal ? She started drinking heavy about 3 years ago and I blame a lot on myself do to having an outside affair. But I also know she had many other things from past that botherd her. It seems now that all she does is go to class are meetings are some type of function with her aa friends. She doesn't work, which I don't have a problem with but she doesn't do anything. She doesn't even open the mail. I am having a real hard time dealing with it but I will say I haven't said anything to her about any of it cause I don't want to set off a trigger. We we're always social weekend drinkers until she crossed that imaginary line they call it, and she became a serious Alcholic.
Me I still drink on occasion but not around her. I just don't know how much more I can handle. She has never been a real affectionate person I will call it. Are aggressive to loving on me unless she was drinking. And now there is no affection. And I'm trying to figure out why. I have always said that when your intoxicated you will do things that you would not do sober. But it might be things you want to do. On several occasions years back I know my wife enjoyed being with other women. Sometimes I was involved but I know of a lot of times I wasn't. But she was always intoxicated as for as I know when these things accured. I am just wondering if that's what she is doing now sober. She spends more time with her friends in (aa) then she does with me. I could go on and on but I'm just wondering if we will ever have a good sex life again ? It's like she is in her on world, has me in a financial bind with all the hospitals and recovery centers. And a physical bind.lol
I just want my wife back and I really don't see it happening. I attended Al-Anon but everyone I was there with had an abusive Alcholic husband. I could not get on there page. My wife was the sweetest best hiding acholic. I never would have known until she came out and told me. I would love to hear of any suggestions, are is this normal behavior for recovery? I'm just one lost man.
Thanks
My wife just got her 5 month chip and I'm very proud of her. But! Will my life ever get back to normal ? She started drinking heavy about 3 years ago and I blame a lot on myself do to having an outside affair. But I also know she had many other things from past that botherd her. It seems now that all she does is go to class are meetings are some type of function with her aa friends. She doesn't work, which I don't have a problem with but she doesn't do anything. She doesn't even open the mail. I am having a real hard time dealing with it but I will say I haven't said anything to her about any of it cause I don't want to set off a trigger. We we're always social weekend drinkers until she crossed that imaginary line they call it, and she became a serious Alcholic.
Me I still drink on occasion but not around her. I just don't know how much more I can handle. She has never been a real affectionate person I will call it. Are aggressive to loving on me unless she was drinking. And now there is no affection. And I'm trying to figure out why. I have always said that when your intoxicated you will do things that you would not do sober. But it might be things you want to do. On several occasions years back I know my wife enjoyed being with other women. Sometimes I was involved but I know of a lot of times I wasn't. But she was always intoxicated as for as I know when these things accured. I am just wondering if that's what she is doing now sober. She spends more time with her friends in (aa) then she does with me. I could go on and on but I'm just wondering if we will ever have a good sex life again ? It's like she is in her on world, has me in a financial bind with all the hospitals and recovery centers. And a physical bind.lol
I just want my wife back and I really don't see it happening. I attended Al-Anon but everyone I was there with had an abusive Alcholic husband. I could not get on there page. My wife was the sweetest best hiding acholic. I never would have known until she came out and told me. I would love to hear of any suggestions, are is this normal behavior for recovery? I'm just one lost man.
Thanks
Member
Join Date: Jul 2018
Location: UK
Posts: 431
There is no normal and people are people. I think you need to get her to open up to about her feelings towards you. Is she not good at expressing her feelings or does she not want to be with you?
One thing if she has stopped for 6 months there is a lot going on and stopping can take consuming effort. That could well be part of it. You are not part of her solution to stop as you have not been through it.
You are right to tread carefully but also need to find a way to get her to open up. There is a lot of self reflection in AA, ask her about her steps and about her resentments. Be prepared for a ton of them driving your way. If she does tell you, listen and don't argue.
I found a video by Alain De Botton on youtube "why you will marry the wrong person" it is quite elightening.
Good luck and I hope you can get your relationship back on track.
One thing if she has stopped for 6 months there is a lot going on and stopping can take consuming effort. That could well be part of it. You are not part of her solution to stop as you have not been through it.
You are right to tread carefully but also need to find a way to get her to open up. There is a lot of self reflection in AA, ask her about her steps and about her resentments. Be prepared for a ton of them driving your way. If she does tell you, listen and don't argue.
I found a video by Alain De Botton on youtube "why you will marry the wrong person" it is quite elightening.
Good luck and I hope you can get your relationship back on track.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,369
Hi and welcome bowedup,
I think you really have to speak to your wife about this - not speaking about it will just let your resentment grow, and your needs are important too.
Perhaps counselling might help too if you're both amenable - it seems there's a
more than just AA meetings upsetting you here?
I was the alcoholic, not the spouse. It felt to me like I was recovering from a serious illness and in a way I was.
I wasn't in a relationship at the time, which looking back was probably good because I had a lot of work to do on myself, and a lot of me time I had to prioritise.
It's a tough first year.
I'd urge you to be as patient and as understanding as you feel is reasonable.
I'm not in AA but you'll hear from some AA members here who'll give you another side to the story I'm sure.
I'd encourage you to also post in our Family and Friends forums too - you're very welcome to post here but you may find others who've been in this situation in the FF forums.
D
I think you really have to speak to your wife about this - not speaking about it will just let your resentment grow, and your needs are important too.
Perhaps counselling might help too if you're both amenable - it seems there's a
more than just AA meetings upsetting you here?
I was the alcoholic, not the spouse. It felt to me like I was recovering from a serious illness and in a way I was.
I wasn't in a relationship at the time, which looking back was probably good because I had a lot of work to do on myself, and a lot of me time I had to prioritise.
It's a tough first year.
I'd urge you to be as patient and as understanding as you feel is reasonable.
I'm not in AA but you'll hear from some AA members here who'll give you another side to the story I'm sure.
I'd encourage you to also post in our Family and Friends forums too - you're very welcome to post here but you may find others who've been in this situation in the FF forums.
D
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Join Date: Jul 2018
Location: UK
Posts: 431
Marriage counselling in my experience just aggravated things, we went along quite ok and would leave feeling terrible. One on one communication is what is needed not some well intentioned stranger stirring the pot.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 71
Hello... as a recovering alcoholic myself... and I’ve been 5 months sober too, my libido is somewhat nonexistent too.. Now I’m not in AA but I do go to therapy one a week.. I believe at least for me it seemed like alcohol had been apart of my life so long it went hand in hand with sex and now that I’ve taken that equation out, my drive or desire seem to have diminished greatly. It’s like I have to, I don’t know hard to explain.. I’m not married though but I do see someone, just glad they understand what I’m going through right now.. The above postings are right 5 months is still the beginning for long term recovery.
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 71
Explain to you’re wife that you go to counseling to work on her rediscovering a healthier close relationship with you and that it’s extremely important to you that you both address the issue now before things get unecessarily out of hand. It’s for the good of both you. I hope things work out for you... Best wishes
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,414
Originally Posted by Lorie1482 
Hello... as a recovering alcoholic myself... and I’ve been 5 months sober too, my libido is somewhat nonexistent too.. Now I’m not in AA but I do go to therapy one a week.. I believe at least for me it seemed like alcohol had been apart of my life so long it went hand in hand with sex and now that I’ve taken that equation out, my drive or desire seem to have diminished greatly. It’s like I have to, I don’t know hard to explain.. I’m not married though but I do see someone, just glad they understand what I’m going through right now.. The above postings are right 5 months is still the beginning for long term recovery.
Add to the equation the fact that you had an affair--
The anger and hurt around that just doesn't go away because you stopped.
It is hard to be intimate with someone who has betrayed you with intimacy.
Healing takes time and I suggest marital therapy.
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 71
Hawkeye you’re right, when the relationship is altered by infidelity that could be still weighing on his wife’s mind. I do however think that in most cases that the libido disappears, mines is coming back slowly but I can take it or leave it.. I just hope for me i can have a normal heathy life with out alcohol going forth. I hope the OP and his wife work things out for the better😊
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: France
Posts: 3,040
It will take a long time to get over the affair, whether it’s been 3 years or 13 years, she is probably guarding herself from getting hurt again as well as dealing with alcohol problems, communication is the key and keep reassuring her you made a mistake, don’t push the intimacy side, when she’s ready you will know, good luck
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Having been in a marriage that ended in divorce, what I would say is that therapy helped me a lot, both before and after the divorce.
My husband was using drugs and alcohol and had some really big secrets that I found out about at the very end. He refused to even talk about anything so there was no way to begin to mend the relationship. He refused to have any intimacy at all for years.
I'm glad I got out. That was no way for me to live and I've been so much better off since then.
My husband was using drugs and alcohol and had some really big secrets that I found out about at the very end. He refused to even talk about anything so there was no way to begin to mend the relationship. He refused to have any intimacy at all for years.
I'm glad I got out. That was no way for me to live and I've been so much better off since then.
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Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 462
Originally Posted by Lorie1482
Hello... as a recovering alcoholic myself... and I’ve been 5 months sober too, my libido is somewhat nonexistent too.. Now I’m not in AA but I do go to therapy one a week.. I believe at least for me it seemed like alcohol had been apart of my life so long it went hand in hand with sex and now that I’ve taken that equation out, my drive or desire seem to have diminished greatly. It’s like I have to, I don’t know hard to explain.. I’m not married though but I do see someone, just glad they understand what I’m going through right now.. The above postings are right 5 months is still the beginning for long term recovery.
Good luck to you.
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 71
Originally Posted by Helianthus
Me too, that's one part of my life that has taken a major downturn that lm hoping improves. Try to open a dialogue about it, l made sure l told my husband why we were being less intimate because l was worried he would think l found him less attractive or something now that lm sober and he appreciated it. I'm a few weeks further along but 5 months is still very new and getting used to the new way of life is tough
Good luck to you.
Good luck to you.
Hi and thx for the tips... Best wishes to you as well😊
i tell ya this site is a God send to me....thx
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
5mo is still very early along in addiction recovery,but it reads to me that there are other challenges in your marriage that will have to be adressed via couples counseling when/if you both are willing to. Infidelity(reads on both parts) is a *********** to work past..again..that's IMO/E.
Last edited by Dee74; 11-03-2018 at 04:00 PM.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 2
Thanks
Thanks for all the comments and advice. As for as the infidelity she blames herself do to playing as if she was sick and was really intoxicated and I didn't know. Not saying I did the correct thing, I still blame myself.
Like I said there were many things I found out about from her early childhood that has I guess caught up with her after 50 years. But I am trying to be as supportive as I can and I worry about myself messing up again that's why I'm trying to get all this straight. Scared it will make an acholic out of me. Like I said tried alanon and enjoyed it but always felt I was listening to someone that had a acholic mean husband. Any other guys get that feeling. Then when I found out her sponsor was the one sitting across table from me it really turned me away from going. Again I thank everyone for the advice and comments. And I pray for all people with addictions. I never could have believed how bad it could be until it hit home. Mean time I will keep on supporting . And not knowing if I am normal are not maybe I will join saa. Lol
God bless
Like I said there were many things I found out about from her early childhood that has I guess caught up with her after 50 years. But I am trying to be as supportive as I can and I worry about myself messing up again that's why I'm trying to get all this straight. Scared it will make an acholic out of me. Like I said tried alanon and enjoyed it but always felt I was listening to someone that had a acholic mean husband. Any other guys get that feeling. Then when I found out her sponsor was the one sitting across table from me it really turned me away from going. Again I thank everyone for the advice and comments. And I pray for all people with addictions. I never could have believed how bad it could be until it hit home. Mean time I will keep on supporting . And not knowing if I am normal are not maybe I will join saa. Lol
God bless
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