Back to life, back to reality
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Back to life, back to reality
Im just having coffee in a cafè in Derbyshire after my few days away...before heading back to real life. Given myself a good talking to:
1. DONT search for booze
2. DONT quiz or ask questions (will only get lies)
3. DONT talk about any of this at work..focus on the job lm being paid for - if anyone asks will just say lm dealing with stuff (only talk to close friends or counsellor)
4. DONT react if at all possible and try not to give AH anything to react to either
5. DO LOOK AFTER MYSELF...FIND WAYS TO HAVE FUN (with or without him..l will give him the choice)
6. Breathe and keep putting one foot in front of the other...
1. DONT search for booze
2. DONT quiz or ask questions (will only get lies)
3. DONT talk about any of this at work..focus on the job lm being paid for - if anyone asks will just say lm dealing with stuff (only talk to close friends or counsellor)
4. DONT react if at all possible and try not to give AH anything to react to either
5. DO LOOK AFTER MYSELF...FIND WAYS TO HAVE FUN (with or without him..l will give him the choice)
6. Breathe and keep putting one foot in front of the other...
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Nice list Awal! My favourites are number 5 and number 6 💪 Keep bringing your attention back to you and what makes you feel good, and everything else will fall into place... It's amazing what a break away can bring - lots of clarity and strength x
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Originally Posted by FeelingGreat 
How are you feeling about going back Awal? Hopeful or dreading it, or something in between?
House is spotless, flowers waiting for me, and a hug. So it could be a whole lot worse.
We have been talking about carpeting furnishing and making the conservatory into a TV room for him to use after l go to bed each night so l can get to sleep without TV noise from the lounge which is right under my bedroom. The conservatory is the other side of the house so l wouldn't hear the TV (or glasses chinking either) 😉
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Join Date: Apr 2018
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Awal,
Have you explored any mindfulness and meditation techniques? To be able to direct our own thoughts naturally and easily takes training.
Example: to be able to have time away as you did, to sit with your thoughts and experience in a way that grows deeper with practice and this can reset the inner compass to look for this feeling (or revisit this feeling) in future experiences.
First learning awareness aka observing what is around me in new ways, and also observing my feelings as they come up, without changing anything. Then learning to redirect my thoughts, feelings and emotions into positive, helpful, healing directions. Take what you like and leave the rest. With these words. Also with practice in life.
Have you explored any mindfulness and meditation techniques? To be able to direct our own thoughts naturally and easily takes training.
Example: to be able to have time away as you did, to sit with your thoughts and experience in a way that grows deeper with practice and this can reset the inner compass to look for this feeling (or revisit this feeling) in future experiences.
First learning awareness aka observing what is around me in new ways, and also observing my feelings as they come up, without changing anything. Then learning to redirect my thoughts, feelings and emotions into positive, helpful, healing directions. Take what you like and leave the rest. With these words. Also with practice in life.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
'Smile yoga'. Tara Brach meditation: The Center of Now
https://www.tarabrach.com/meditation-center-of-now-2/
https://www.tarabrach.com/meditation-center-of-now-2/
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Posts: 8,631
Originally Posted by Awal
I just saw a bottle of damson wine (which l won in a raffle a few weeks ago) chilling in the fridge. Its not hidden so that should make me feel better right?
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
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Originally Posted by trailmix
If you go by your Husband's way of being, it should! If you go by yours, probably not?
"Our views of this are different.
It's okay for us to have different ways of seeing things.
It's not my job to change someone else's viewpoint."
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Originally Posted by Awal
Oh...just a minute! Its there so l think he's being honest...and not secretive anymore so l think that THIS time he is being honest.
So perhaps, if you really let it go (I mean if you choose that) he will just be upfront about it.
It's hard to be honest and upfront if you get constant criticism for what and who you are.
(disclaimer: I'm not defending or attacking him here btw, or you, just stating facts as I understand them).
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Originally Posted by trailmix
You've got it and you know, some alcoholics don't hide their drinking. If they think it's accepted (or if they don't give a damn if it is) they just drink. In front of you, at work, at the bar, wherever and whenever. He may be being upfront here, he may be testing the waters.
So perhaps, if you really let it go (I mean if you choose that) he will just be upfront about it.
It's hard to be honest and upfront if you get constant criticism for what and who you are.
(disclaimer: I'm not defending or attacking him here btw, or you, just stating facts as I understand them).
So perhaps, if you really let it go (I mean if you choose that) he will just be upfront about it.
It's hard to be honest and upfront if you get constant criticism for what and who you are.
(disclaimer: I'm not defending or attacking him here btw, or you, just stating facts as I understand them).
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Originally Posted by Mango212
Awal,
Have you explored any mindfulness and meditation techniques? To be able to direct our own thoughts naturally and easily takes training.
Example: to be able to have time away as you did, to sit with your thoughts and experience in a way that grows deeper with practice and this can reset the inner compass to look for this feeling (or revisit this feeling) in future experiences.
First learning awareness aka observing what is around me in new ways, and also observing my feelings as they come up, without changing anything. Then learning to redirect my thoughts, feelings and emotions into positive, helpful, healing directions. Take what you like and leave the rest. With these words. Also with practice in life.
Have you explored any mindfulness and meditation techniques? To be able to direct our own thoughts naturally and easily takes training.
Example: to be able to have time away as you did, to sit with your thoughts and experience in a way that grows deeper with practice and this can reset the inner compass to look for this feeling (or revisit this feeling) in future experiences.
First learning awareness aka observing what is around me in new ways, and also observing my feelings as they come up, without changing anything. Then learning to redirect my thoughts, feelings and emotions into positive, helpful, healing directions. Take what you like and leave the rest. With these words. Also with practice in life.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,424
Originally Posted by Awal
Oh...just a minute! Its there so l think he's being honest...and not secretive anymore ���������� so l think that THIS time he is being honest.
I would have had back-up for sure.
I think the advice to let it go for now may be the best.
More will be revealed, and you don't need the stress of confrontation
about something you can't change anyway.
My cattle dog female starts barking and gets upset if voices are raised and it cuts me to the quick. I understand wanting to protect your old fella.
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Awal…..I suspect that this whole thing of the wine that is openly displayed in the cabinet is just a red herring, in this whole experience. that, actually, the deeper issues, in the relationship, are still beneath the surface...like an iceberg....there is more below the surface, than above.
Remember...that you said, over and over...that, it was not the drinking that bothered you...that it was the lying....that, if he would drink, openly, it would all be o.k. ?
Awal….I honestly, don't think that reflects what you really feel and want... I could be wrong...but, I am going to spitball a little bit, here--I suspect that, what you really want is for him to stop drinking...totally and completely...(because it is destroying what you wanted for this marriage--the last 2 years, since you committed to marriage, after 15years of being together)….
I can sense that you disappointment is very, very deep, and that it is expressed in your anger and rage about it. Yes, you have done a good job of detaching enough to reduce the anger to a much lower simmer...but, It shows itself, in your writings....(lol...sarcasm. "Sarcasm is anger's ugly cousin"...lol).
I feel like your anger is not a bad thing...it just is. You seem to do better with the angerto motivate you to action, after all....But, be aware that anger is usually not the primary emotion...it is usually the cover emotion with the layers of sadness, fear, pain, frustration. etc, underneath.....
What I am trying to say, is that I suspect that you want much more from this relationship...than just what you have said....("If it weren't for the lying, I would be fine")…..
By now, you have learned that the lying is a part of the disease.
It is even possible, that, for now, he might be trying to white knuckle and be open about the drinking (I don't know)….But, the trust has been broken, so I suspect that you will always be waiting for the other shoe to drop...no matter if he is lying or if he is not.
I do think that detaching, as much as humanly possible, is the best thing for YOU....being so close to it is so very triggering for you....
It may be that the only avenue for you...and, your own mental health is to take the path that is for your best welfare....and, let the rest to drop by the wayside.....
Remember...that you said, over and over...that, it was not the drinking that bothered you...that it was the lying....that, if he would drink, openly, it would all be o.k. ?
Awal….I honestly, don't think that reflects what you really feel and want... I could be wrong...but, I am going to spitball a little bit, here--I suspect that, what you really want is for him to stop drinking...totally and completely...(because it is destroying what you wanted for this marriage--the last 2 years, since you committed to marriage, after 15years of being together)….
I can sense that you disappointment is very, very deep, and that it is expressed in your anger and rage about it. Yes, you have done a good job of detaching enough to reduce the anger to a much lower simmer...but, It shows itself, in your writings....(lol...sarcasm. "Sarcasm is anger's ugly cousin"...lol).
I feel like your anger is not a bad thing...it just is. You seem to do better with the angerto motivate you to action, after all....But, be aware that anger is usually not the primary emotion...it is usually the cover emotion with the layers of sadness, fear, pain, frustration. etc, underneath.....
What I am trying to say, is that I suspect that you want much more from this relationship...than just what you have said....("If it weren't for the lying, I would be fine")…..
By now, you have learned that the lying is a part of the disease.
It is even possible, that, for now, he might be trying to white knuckle and be open about the drinking (I don't know)….But, the trust has been broken, so I suspect that you will always be waiting for the other shoe to drop...no matter if he is lying or if he is not.
I do think that detaching, as much as humanly possible, is the best thing for YOU....being so close to it is so very triggering for you....
It may be that the only avenue for you...and, your own mental health is to take the path that is for your best welfare....and, let the rest to drop by the wayside.....
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Posts: 543
Originally Posted by dandylion
Awal…..I suspect that this whole thing of the wine that is openly displayed in the cabinet is just a red herring, in this whole experience. that, actually, the deeper issues, in the relationship, are still beneath the surface...like an iceberg....there is more below the surface, than above.
Remember...that you said, over and over...that, it was not the drinking that bothered you...that it was the lying....that, if he would drink, openly, it would all be o.k. ?
Awal….I honestly, don't think that reflects what you really feel and want... I could be wrong...but, I am going to spitball a little bit, here--I suspect that, what you really want is for him to stop drinking...totally and completely...(because it is destroying what you wanted for this marriage--the last 2 years, since you committed to marriage, after 15years of being together)….
I can sense that you disappointment is very, very deep, and that it is expressed in your anger and rage about it. Yes, you have done a good job of detaching enough to reduce the anger to a much lower simmer...but, It shows itself, in your writings....(lol...sarcasm. "Sarcasm is anger's ugly cousin"...lol).
I feel like your anger is not a bad thing...it just is. You seem to do better with the angerto motivate you to action, after all....But, be aware that anger is usually not the primary emotion...it is usually the cover emotion with the layers of sadness, fear, pain, frustration. etc, underneath.....
What I am trying to say, is that I suspect that you want much more from this relationship...than just what you have said....("If it weren't for the lying, I would be fine")…..
By now, you have learned that the lying is a part of the disease.
It is even possible, that, for now, he might be trying to white knuckle and be open about the drinking (I don't know)….But, the trust has been broken, so I suspect that you will always be waiting for the other shoe to drop...no matter if he is lying or if he is not.
I do think that detaching, as much as humanly possible, is the best thing for YOU....being so close to it is so very triggering for you....
It may be that the only avenue for you...and, your own mental health is to take the path that is for your best welfare....and, let the rest to drop by the wayside.....
Remember...that you said, over and over...that, it was not the drinking that bothered you...that it was the lying....that, if he would drink, openly, it would all be o.k. ?
Awal….I honestly, don't think that reflects what you really feel and want... I could be wrong...but, I am going to spitball a little bit, here--I suspect that, what you really want is for him to stop drinking...totally and completely...(because it is destroying what you wanted for this marriage--the last 2 years, since you committed to marriage, after 15years of being together)….
I can sense that you disappointment is very, very deep, and that it is expressed in your anger and rage about it. Yes, you have done a good job of detaching enough to reduce the anger to a much lower simmer...but, It shows itself, in your writings....(lol...sarcasm. "Sarcasm is anger's ugly cousin"...lol).
I feel like your anger is not a bad thing...it just is. You seem to do better with the angerto motivate you to action, after all....But, be aware that anger is usually not the primary emotion...it is usually the cover emotion with the layers of sadness, fear, pain, frustration. etc, underneath.....
What I am trying to say, is that I suspect that you want much more from this relationship...than just what you have said....("If it weren't for the lying, I would be fine")…..
By now, you have learned that the lying is a part of the disease.
It is even possible, that, for now, he might be trying to white knuckle and be open about the drinking (I don't know)….But, the trust has been broken, so I suspect that you will always be waiting for the other shoe to drop...no matter if he is lying or if he is not.
I do think that detaching, as much as humanly possible, is the best thing for YOU....being so close to it is so very triggering for you....
It may be that the only avenue for you...and, your own mental health is to take the path that is for your best welfare....and, let the rest to drop by the wayside.....
As for the wine in the fridge...maybe he is trying to be more up front, maybe its a decoy, maybe the flowers are because he loves me, maybe they are to sugar me up, maybe the hug was genuine affection, maybe it was obligatory. My life has become a series of maybes.
All l know is whether l say anything to him or not, in my own heart l know 'we' wont ever be the same again..As you say its gonna be waiting for the other shoe to drop. Maybe (theres that word again) l will get to a point where none of it matters anymore and l no longer feel any emotion because l have shut down so effectively. This seems more probable than our marriage rekindling into something resembling a 'normal' relationship.
If l could be absolutely certain that the lying had stopped l would feel easier, even with booze in the open, but l know and you know the lying wont have stopped so there is no easy mind for me. Red herrings decoys, call them what you will, they are
there to make me THINK the secrecy has stopped. You have to bear in mind all this is fairly new to me, l see people posting on here who have been dealing with these issues for years, for me it has only been weeks (although had subtle suspicions for much longer but brushed it under the rug) so lm still all over the place emotionally. If l contradict myself it is because my head resembles a spaghetti bolognese right now 🤣
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Originally Posted by Hawkeye13
Let's just say one measly bottle of wine wouldn't have done more than get me a mild buzz back when I was drinking.
I would have had back-up for sure.
I think the advice to let it go for now may be the best.
More will be revealed, and you don't need the stress of confrontation
about something you can't change anyway.
My cattle dog female starts barking and gets upset if voices are raised and it cuts me to the quick. I understand wanting to protect your old fella.
I would have had back-up for sure.
I think the advice to let it go for now may be the best.
More will be revealed, and you don't need the stress of confrontation
about something you can't change anyway.
My cattle dog female starts barking and gets upset if voices are raised and it cuts me to the quick. I understand wanting to protect your old fella.
So l am focussing on keeping things calm for him (and me!)
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