Convo with my mother today.
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
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Convo with my mother today.
I visit my mom almost every day, kind of a wellness check.
With her dementia, she no longer remembers to take her meds, so there’s that, too.
I don’t stay long. My addict sib and I don’t get along, and I don’t want to get into it with him,so for me a short visit works best.
Today she asked me why I don’t stay longer when I visit.
I replied, honestly, that I don’t like being around sib and that’s why my visits are short.
She had no answer for this, which I expected.
She knows how I feel and has seen how we can get into arguments.
But she has diminished mental capacity due to her age, and while part of me feels it is important to speak my truth, another part feels it really wasn’t necessary, and that I said it to hurt her.
I dunno. Still processing this.
With her dementia, she no longer remembers to take her meds, so there’s that, too.
I don’t stay long. My addict sib and I don’t get along, and I don’t want to get into it with him,so for me a short visit works best.
Today she asked me why I don’t stay longer when I visit.
I replied, honestly, that I don’t like being around sib and that’s why my visits are short.
She had no answer for this, which I expected.
She knows how I feel and has seen how we can get into arguments.
But she has diminished mental capacity due to her age, and while part of me feels it is important to speak my truth, another part feels it really wasn’t necessary, and that I said it to hurt her.
I dunno. Still processing this.
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Location: USA
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I get what you are saying. However, it was the truth, which is important for you.
I am sorry you have to deal with addiction on top of age issues w/your mom. That's got to be very stressful.
My heart goes out to you.
I am sorry you have to deal with addiction on top of age issues w/your mom. That's got to be very stressful.
My heart goes out to you.
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That’s true, Dandy, and that is how I try to proceed always.
Another thing: lately she has been asking me if I think of my dad, who died more than a decade ago, and do I miss him?
Well, I had a problematical relationship with my dad.
He was not, imo, emotionally present for his children.
He was a drinker, a mouthy, mean one, and when I became an adult I came to believe that he would have been very happy not to have children, but as it was socially acceptable and mom wanted them, he went along.
When mom asked me this, I hesitated for a moment, then replied that no, I didn’t think of my dad very much and, as we weren’t particularly close, that I really didn’t miss him.
Again, speaking truth and again, feeling mixed about speaking it.
At the end of the day, I guess it doesn’t matter much what I say, as she won’t remember it or process it in any way.
She’s long past that.
Another thing: lately she has been asking me if I think of my dad, who died more than a decade ago, and do I miss him?
Well, I had a problematical relationship with my dad.
He was not, imo, emotionally present for his children.
He was a drinker, a mouthy, mean one, and when I became an adult I came to believe that he would have been very happy not to have children, but as it was socially acceptable and mom wanted them, he went along.
When mom asked me this, I hesitated for a moment, then replied that no, I didn’t think of my dad very much and, as we weren’t particularly close, that I really didn’t miss him.
Again, speaking truth and again, feeling mixed about speaking it.
At the end of the day, I guess it doesn’t matter much what I say, as she won’t remember it or process it in any way.
She’s long past that.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,634
So what was your intent, I think that is what you are questioning? I understand that, I think it's important to look at that sometimes in what we do/say and what others do and say.
Maybe you were a bit exasperated and maybe you did say it with some hurt intended. While that might not make you feel happy about it, it's kind of understandable, it's got to be a hugely frustrating situation.
None of us is perfect.
Maybe you were a bit exasperated and maybe you did say it with some hurt intended. While that might not make you feel happy about it, it's kind of understandable, it's got to be a hugely frustrating situation.
None of us is perfect.
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Maudcat…..it is not like you are deliberately just saying these things, out of the blue....she asked you. I think that she deserves to hear the simple truth, also.
It is not like you enjoy the answers...and, you do recognize that those are sad facts...for the both of you.
I think that, later, you will be so glad that you spoke the honest truth to your mother, while you had the opportunity. Before my own mother passed, we had long conversations on the phone about all kinds of things that we had never really talked about. I did a lot of listening. She said that she was so glad that she could talk to me. I will be forever grateful for those
conversations.
I think that, sometimes when we feel a psychic discomfort...like sadness, maybe...we sometimes label it as guilt, in our own mind....to have something to call it.…and, for some, guilt is always the default feeling...lol...
You have no reason for guilt, over these happenings...you couldn't control your brother's alcoholism, nor, your mothers cognitive decline....these are just the cards that life has dealt....
I think this situation belongs in the category for "things we can't control''...from the Serenity prayer.
I think you are a darn good daughter to attend to your mother, the way you do...and, I know that you would have helped your brother, too...if you had had the opportunity......
It is not like you enjoy the answers...and, you do recognize that those are sad facts...for the both of you.
I think that, later, you will be so glad that you spoke the honest truth to your mother, while you had the opportunity. Before my own mother passed, we had long conversations on the phone about all kinds of things that we had never really talked about. I did a lot of listening. She said that she was so glad that she could talk to me. I will be forever grateful for those
conversations.
I think that, sometimes when we feel a psychic discomfort...like sadness, maybe...we sometimes label it as guilt, in our own mind....to have something to call it.…and, for some, guilt is always the default feeling...lol...
You have no reason for guilt, over these happenings...you couldn't control your brother's alcoholism, nor, your mothers cognitive decline....these are just the cards that life has dealt....
I think this situation belongs in the category for "things we can't control''...from the Serenity prayer.
I think you are a darn good daughter to attend to your mother, the way you do...and, I know that you would have helped your brother, too...if you had had the opportunity......
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Maudcat...this convo has triggered a memory for me.....
True story----you know how kids always feel like they are responsible for bad things that happen...like somehow it is their "fault"?
Well, my mother was a very beautiful woman...and, I think that she developed a bit of pride...vanity...about that. At 92 she looked 15-20 years younger. Even when she was very young...she lied (misled) about her true age. As her older child...I had to make my age younger, in front of her friends and neighbors.
Whenever she mentioned things about "getting older"...I would feel guilty....and I actually tried to figure out a way to make time stand still, for my mother....
I tried and tried....
True story----you know how kids always feel like they are responsible for bad things that happen...like somehow it is their "fault"?
Well, my mother was a very beautiful woman...and, I think that she developed a bit of pride...vanity...about that. At 92 she looked 15-20 years younger. Even when she was very young...she lied (misled) about her true age. As her older child...I had to make my age younger, in front of her friends and neighbors.
Whenever she mentioned things about "getting older"...I would feel guilty....and I actually tried to figure out a way to make time stand still, for my mother....
I tried and tried....
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Location: Wareham, Mass
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Sue Hubbell, beekeeper and naturalist writer, wrote a great piece for the New York Times magazine some years back about how she wasn’t always sure what her age was, because her mother lied, er, misled about HER age.
As I remember it, Hubbell came to feel that this was a good thing because age , for her, is just a number.
I confess that I sometimes have to do the math to remember my own age.
Am I 66 or 67? Born in 1952, okay, got it!
As I remember it, Hubbell came to feel that this was a good thing because age , for her, is just a number.
I confess that I sometimes have to do the math to remember my own age.
Am I 66 or 67? Born in 1952, okay, got it!
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
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Sometimes lately, my 88 year old dad will ask my older brother
about things from the past. There were some very bad years
when my dad was drinking heavily & physical violence which
one time ended in my brother's arm being broken trying to
protect my mom. Just horrible stuff. Yet, there are many more
years that my father & mother showed their love - my father
had a garden & he would grow & harvest all sorts of vegetables
& give to us. My mom would fuss over us tirelessly at family
get togethers. I have had the blessing of being able to view my
parents as really sucky during a period of time & much more time
being so kind & loving. I of course realize the lasting impact the
bad behavior had on my adult relationships, including still
getting therapy for FOO.
Your post made me reflect on how my brother sees it differently
and I have to respect his right to answer my dad with his truth.
about things from the past. There were some very bad years
when my dad was drinking heavily & physical violence which
one time ended in my brother's arm being broken trying to
protect my mom. Just horrible stuff. Yet, there are many more
years that my father & mother showed their love - my father
had a garden & he would grow & harvest all sorts of vegetables
& give to us. My mom would fuss over us tirelessly at family
get togethers. I have had the blessing of being able to view my
parents as really sucky during a period of time & much more time
being so kind & loving. I of course realize the lasting impact the
bad behavior had on my adult relationships, including still
getting therapy for FOO.
Your post made me reflect on how my brother sees it differently
and I have to respect his right to answer my dad with his truth.
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
That is so true!
I once shared my thoughts about my dad to my son, who had a completely different take on it.
He remembered hanging out often in the workshop with dad and just sorta puttering, a happy memory for him.
I’m glad for him. My dad, somewhat out of character, had a lot of patience with my son and my son was a real easy going child.
So I can see how they would get along.
I just never got that from dad.
Maybe it was the grandparent do over thing.
And he was drinking a lot less then, so there’s that.
I once shared my thoughts about my dad to my son, who had a completely different take on it.
He remembered hanging out often in the workshop with dad and just sorta puttering, a happy memory for him.
I’m glad for him. My dad, somewhat out of character, had a lot of patience with my son and my son was a real easy going child.
So I can see how they would get along.
I just never got that from dad.
Maybe it was the grandparent do over thing.
And he was drinking a lot less then, so there’s that.
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I think maybe sorta, heart. I think maybe it was a way to open the door to her saying that she misses him. I don’t think it was about me remembering her
She has been talking about my dad a lot lately.
Old age and dementia is strange. She will focus on something pretty intensely for a time, then it goes, and something new walks in.
She loved my dad, and thought he was a good husband.
Her own father was a brutal drunk, so I guess, by comparison, my dad was a vast improvement.
She has been talking about my dad a lot lately.
Old age and dementia is strange. She will focus on something pretty intensely for a time, then it goes, and something new walks in.
She loved my dad, and thought he was a good husband.
Her own father was a brutal drunk, so I guess, by comparison, my dad was a vast improvement.
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Oh Maudcat, I so get it.
I'm in the midst of visiting my aging mom, whom has my , let us say "challenging" brother living here... it has been a rough few days for me
Mum and I have had a few heart to heart talks. She doesn't like what I have to say, but for once in my life time she is actually listening to me about some aspects of the "brother topic".... everything else I have had to say has gone in one ear and out the other.... but at least when I touched on this one specific nerve she decided she should pay attention.
We've also talked a lot about my Dad, whom I loved very much, but I make no bones about knowing that he was a very broken (alcoholic) man.
I think you answered your mother correctly when she asked you about your Dad...The truth is the truth, and I don't think we should ever give false answers to any question. I don't think we should be unkind, but it dishonors both ourselves and the enquirer when we lie. I've been lied to "for my own good"... and I don't think anything else has ever made me so mad as that.
I'm in the midst of visiting my aging mom, whom has my , let us say "challenging" brother living here... it has been a rough few days for me
Mum and I have had a few heart to heart talks. She doesn't like what I have to say, but for once in my life time she is actually listening to me about some aspects of the "brother topic".... everything else I have had to say has gone in one ear and out the other.... but at least when I touched on this one specific nerve she decided she should pay attention.
We've also talked a lot about my Dad, whom I loved very much, but I make no bones about knowing that he was a very broken (alcoholic) man.
I think you answered your mother correctly when she asked you about your Dad...The truth is the truth, and I don't think we should ever give false answers to any question. I don't think we should be unkind, but it dishonors both ourselves and the enquirer when we lie. I've been lied to "for my own good"... and I don't think anything else has ever made me so mad as that.
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I think part of what is going on here with me is the sense that these conversations are coming far too late in the game. No one in that house is changing, and this is what it is.
I feel like we should have talked about them and their plans for staying in the house and letting my brother live there with them 15 or 20 years ago, when my father was alive and they were both functioning well cognitively and physically.
Maybe things would have taken a different path.
I don’t know.
But things weren’t so bad then.
My sib was living there off and on, between girlfriends.
His drinking was done out of house so not so apparent, and my father was able to act as a check to his bad behavior.
Bro’s drinking really accelerated after my dad died, and mom couldn’t do anything about it.
I wish I could have convinced them to downsize with maybe no room for sib (I had an aunt and uncle who did that because they were tired of taking in their divorcing children. They sold the house and went into an apartment. Desperate times, desperate solutions, and all that.)
I was living in another state at the time and really wasn’t around them that much.
Anyway, just pondering and wondering if I could have done better by my parents, or at least tried to.
Probably not. We are all on our own path.
I feel like we should have talked about them and their plans for staying in the house and letting my brother live there with them 15 or 20 years ago, when my father was alive and they were both functioning well cognitively and physically.
Maybe things would have taken a different path.
I don’t know.
But things weren’t so bad then.
My sib was living there off and on, between girlfriends.
His drinking was done out of house so not so apparent, and my father was able to act as a check to his bad behavior.
Bro’s drinking really accelerated after my dad died, and mom couldn’t do anything about it.
I wish I could have convinced them to downsize with maybe no room for sib (I had an aunt and uncle who did that because they were tired of taking in their divorcing children. They sold the house and went into an apartment. Desperate times, desperate solutions, and all that.)
I was living in another state at the time and really wasn’t around them that much.
Anyway, just pondering and wondering if I could have done better by my parents, or at least tried to.
Probably not. We are all on our own path.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I remember reading this a while ago…………….
The TRUTH hurts only once but a LIE hurts every time you remember it!
We have to become true to ourselves and stop feeling guilt about doing that. I give you a lot of credit for recognizing how important that is for you and I hope you continue being true to yourself.
The TRUTH hurts only once but a LIE hurts every time you remember it!
We have to become true to ourselves and stop feeling guilt about doing that. I give you a lot of credit for recognizing how important that is for you and I hope you continue being true to yourself.
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