Glenjo99

Just something I thought I'd throw out and see if anyone has experienced this.

This weekend, been doing a lot of outdoors stuff and seeing friends which I enjoyed. Feeling a lot of anger aswell over the weekend at my ex but in a different way. Up to now when I've been feeling angry I've wanted to let him know, text him, or write him a letter. This weekend I've felt angry at him but I didn't want to let him now, it's just a kind of anger that I verbalise to myself. I know it sounds odd but it just comes out, like saying "what a di&6khead he was to treat me that way, I'm so annoyed at him" almost like it's in the third person. But no urge to direct it at him.

It feels good to not want to let him know, it's like it's a good anger, and the wanting to let him know part, was the Codependent piece.

trailmix

Yes. I don't know that wanting to vent that anger at the person who caused the "harm" is co-dependant, that kind of seems just human to me. Not saying anyone should or shouldn't vent it, that's up to you but the emotion, I think, is normal.

Anger lets you know something is wrong with whatever situation, if you were still with him you might use it to bring up a discussion about - whatever - to solve an issue.

When you are not, you just get left with, I wish I could tell him what an ass he was for doing that or wth was that?

For me, I went through a stage of - what a jerk you were (ok I may have said that a bit more harshly) and I directed it toward him in my mind. So not dissimilar to what you are feeling now. I know what you mean, it's not a sharing it's an accepting of what they are.

You work it out, you don't need to KNOW what they are anymore because - you know!

Glenjo99

Yes that's what I was trying to say. It's not a sharing which had been the impulse up to now! It's more a knowing lol. I know he was a jerk and I don't need to tell him. That feels good to say.

hopeful4

That is very real progress. Since I have kids w/my XAH I am forced to interact with him. I get very angry sometimes b/c he can be quite difficult. I do the same thing. I get angry, but it's not anything I share w/him. I see it as huge progress b/c before I would have just "had" to tell him, and we would have went on and on, never coming to any resolution. Now I just see it for what it is and move forward.

You are progressing!!!

Glenjo99

Great to hear that, it feels like I am you know!

Michsm

I have felt that and now my feelings are that I am disgusted and embarrassed with myself I was in that depressing situation with him and allowed him to treat me like he diid. Just glad I am moving on and sounds like you are too. Great job!

greeteachday

Do you think perhaps part of the difference is that when you wanted to direct the anger at him, it was in hopes of changing him - making him realize what a jerk he was and beg you to take him back? Now you've moved from a need to control him to some level of acceptance?

Glenjo99

Yes without doubt, when I wanted to direct it at him, by letter, it was in some hope of hurting him as much as I'd been hurt, and perhaps he would see the light and want me back. That kind of controlling is codependency in it's clearest form. Now the type of anger is just an awareness possibly acceptance, of how shoddily I was treated and takes the rose tinted glasses off a whole lot. Feels like progress, not out of the woods yet, but having some days now of seeing glimmers of light, not wanting to contact or direct anger at him feels good.

Glenjo99

Totally! I've been feeling a bit ashamed that I could let it happen, but have to catch myself on that and be more self loving. Awareness of my own codependency is key in recovery. He spotted I was a caring decent type, good traits, my responsibility now is to have boundaries with my care in future and not let any addicts within 10,000 miles radius. Lol!