Staar

Hello-I've been dating my bf ( now ex) for a little under a year. Right away, I noticed the pills (opioids) and all the excuses. I didn't realize the alcoholism though because the vodka was always heavily watered down and I was more focused on the pills and the possibility of his OD-Ing. It was only recently I started realizing the vodka water is an all day every day thing ( I'm at work and didn't know about the day drinking). Lots of breakups throughout the nine months, always centering around his excessive pill use that I hoped I was imagining and yet he never denied.

Long story short, about five months ago -we made up and had a great romantic dinner together. He threw up that night and I didn't realize he was wasted. I was a lil worried he mixed too many opioids with alcohol but then I chalked it up to the tequila ( he only drinks vodka and we had marguerites but only like two). He ended up going home while I was sleeping and sent the text, " sorry to leave but I didn't want to ruin the great evening". This is odd for him but I decided to just let him be. He surprisingly disappeared for three months after and I didn't even contact him. Sounds weird but I needed a break.

I took off to Thailand and didn't tell him but he never called to my surprise. I'm been back from Thai and started to worry he was dead from an overdose as it's very unusual to not hear from him if we are not fighting but I figured he wasn't calling me for a reason and do I really want to go back to all that? He contacted me three months later saying that he was, " hanging out with a female friend of whose haircut reminded him of me so he thought he would reach out". I flipped out as was very hurt about the lack of contact and that the reason he communicated for contacting me was bc his " female friend suggested he contact me" which angered me more so as we are in a relationship and it took some chic with my haircut to remind u? I flipped out with the text messages....Btw- we live five mins from each other.

He called that night and we had a three min conversation where he then admitted he's in, "recovery" and his recovery friend suggested he reach out to me bc he discussed me with her with and the reason he hadn't before was bc " he felt so bad about the way he treated me." I said OK and he said he woul " call me tomorrow to catch up" bc it's too late too talk ( now I'm used to him being up all night no sleep but I guess he's in a sleep schedule).

He never called (just a text the next evening at midnight saying it's his "bd" and it ran late". I waited another five days then nothing so I texted and I demanded to know why he hasn't called as its been three months and then he promises to call and nothing. I didnt even know what recovery was at that point and I told him told him to never contact me again as its obvious he's " bored" and the fact that he needs someone with my haircut to remind him off me is complete BS. After all, contacting me after three months implies he is "bored" and "looking for someone to use" I said.

After reading about recovery after that- I felt bad and texted that " I didn't know what recovery was and I've been reading about it. Im sorry I wasn't more understanding and supportive ( but when has he been understanding and supportive to me) and that I'm here for u if you need it ( platonic no pressure) and I never judged you before and wudnt now. He said " thank u" and that's it .

That was three weeks ago. I guess I should just accept the fact that we are done? It's not fair. I did nothing but care about him, I did tons of stuff we have all done... Brought him food/ gave Him rides/ let him blame me for his short comings/ cleaned his house/ bought him food/ checked his breathing after his nodding off/etc. however I never gave him a single dollar. It's not fair as I do not drink or do drugs but I guess he cannot Hang with me bc I remind him of his past? They can real havoc And yet they are in recovery and then they get a fee pass? Everything is forgiven? Where is my free pass when I mess up?

Also he got into a moto accident five months ago and his foot was severed. I was there for him through all that and now I'm chopped liver. It's not fair. Was I wrong for telling him t never contact me again after he told me he was in recovery? I am shocked he is actually in recovery ( I think he is) and am wondering if something worse than the foot thing happened that made him go? Should I just forget about him?

suki44883

Sorry you are dealing with this, but yes, you are much better off without him. Whether he is in "recovery" or not, he treats you terribly and you deserve better.

Also, it is very difficult to read such a long post when it is all in one paragraph. For future information, please break long posts up into individual paragraphs.

Staar

Well he didn't always treat me bad. In fact, he was very sweet to me a lot of the time but I just didn't like the drugs. There were some big fights where he wasn't nice bc I was accusing him of being a druggie and stuff like that and then he wasn't nice

Glenjo99

Sorry to hear what you've been going through.

I won't give you advice but what has helped me is looking at my own codependency in the situation.

It was interesting when you said "It's not fair. I did nothing but care about him, I did tons of stuff we have all done... Brought him food/ gave Him rides/ let him blame me for his short comings/ cleaned his house/ bought him food/ checked his breathing after his nodding off/etc".

​​​​​​In codependency there's what's called the karpman drama triangle, where people, help/rescue, then feel persecuted and finally feel victimised, be worth having a look at.

Sounds like you were treated pretty poorly. I feel your pain.

suki44883

You say there were already a lot of breakups during the nine months. That, along with the drugs and the bad treatment is a lot of drama for only nine months.

As I said, you are better off without him. There are others out there who will treat you better and not use drugs, but you will never meet them if you keep trying to hang on to this guy.

Staar

Yes, your right. I never would have thought that I would date someone with an opiod addiction and/ or an alcoholic. I don't mean to sound stuck up but I've never been around drugs and no one in my family drinks. I drink socially but I just dont have that substance abuse gene. He was mad I didn't invite him on xmas and I told him straight up, I can't have someone on drugs meeting my parents...I can't believe I'm even having these conversations

Staar

Glenjo99- I'll look up the term. Thanks as I've been looking for something to tell me my emotions and anger is normal. I have this problem in all my relationships. I sound full of myself but I always give more to all my relationships friends/ family/ significant others then l get back. I heard that that's a good quality though and not necessarily a weakness.

Staar

But just because ( not just) the person is an alcoholic drug addict- does that mean that I must NEVER talk to him again???

August252015

What good will it do you to keep contact with him? It really doesn't matter what you have or hadn't had in your family or what you've never encountered dating before....this guys is trouble and I think you know that. So honestly, asking yourself whether there is truly a positive probable outcome to having any contact whatsoever is a good idea. Also asking what the probable bad outcome would be.

I say all this from my own experience as the alcoholic involved with a crazy, deceitful and ultimately abusive alcoholic.

None of these scenarios are good. And when it is early and there are lists of reasons to run NOW, doing that is your best bet for every part of your well being.

suki44883

Staar...you said it has been three weeks since you have heard from him. He has gone days without contacting you before and it is always you who initiates contact. Then he says he will call later and doesn't do it.

Seriously, I think he has moved on and you should do the same.

Staar

Thanks. Yes, you guys/gals are right and deep down I know that. Yes, it was so much drama. The exact words u are all using are the exact words I used when I talked to myself about this. It's as if u are all reading my thoughts. Drama is an understatement and "crazy" as in crazy look in his eye and acting volatile and crazed and manic I is another good one. It's too bad because he's very intelligent educated and stuff but the drugs really messes a person up. I didn't even know he was an alcoholic until he told me he was in recovery 3-4 weeks ago. It's a blessing he's cut me off but I'm a very sensitive person and it hurts my feelings to be " cut off".

Staar

@suki4483-thank u I agree that it's best to move on but my saving grace that I cling to is I never ever contact him ( I never have been the first one after a fight. Bc I never did anything to cause the fight I've always felt)

I've also never ever given him money. Not one penny

I've never given him a place to stay ( obviously we've had overnights) but I won't allow him to move in as he was hinting bc he refuses to work and so he doesn't have rent money).

I refused to give him my house keys. That was the biggest mist explosive fight I've ever had with anyone. He went crazy that night.

I refused to allow him to use my car I've never allowed once.

Sooooo....if he contacts me I like to think its bc he really wants to and not wanting money or whatever.

Never have I contacted him first- he usually calls me within a week ( we've had three HUGE fights) and apologizes and wants to " try again" bc he really "cares about me" and I don't actually think he's not being dis in genuine.

So we didnt talk for three months which is WEIRD bc we had romantic evening together, I'm talking felt mignon and all that but then oddly disappeared for three months and I didn't contact him at all.

I thought maybe he died... I didnt want to know

He contacted me the weeks ago ( after the three months) and says he hasn't contact me bc he's in recovery. I was shocked.

And then I kind of went off on him. It wasn't helpful what I was saying. If intold u u wud think I'm a nasty person. I was pissed that he waited three months. I feel that's excessive but then again I don't know what the heck has been going on.

The last drama ( after the last fight- he got into a moto accident and lost his foot. That was his reason for not contacting me).

This time I thought- what could possibly top that as each drama is "crazier
" and "crazier".

Then he says he's in recovery which is shocking as I never thought he would admit to his issues so I'm wondering if something " happened"... Bc I was thinking to myself - I can't believe the foot thing isn't his rock bottom. He acted like it wasn't a big deal. I'm not kidding and where is the $15K" at from the insurance settlement. That's not a lot of money to loose your foot.

So I actually don't ever plan on contacting him but when he contact me I am now thinking its best that I hit ever respond.

Staar

But Suki- your right.... He goes days without contacting me and then he does and then I'm there. Your right. He obviously isn't that woried about me

Glenjo99

No problem. Thst doesn't sound like your full of yourself, just honest. Absolutely it's a good quality, once the intention is not to receive anything back. If we give out of a place of love and want nothing back for it that's fine, it's when we give and then say, well after all I've done for you, type of thing is where issues can arise. There's a great book called "codependent no more" by melody beattie, can highly recommend reading.

Also just to add, it can be very disconcerting when we hear the addict has gone into recovery. The possiblity they they may no longer depend on us, and could be changing, can bring up all kinds of feelings for us.

It's painful what your feeling, because as much as you can be told to move on and detach, there are feelings involved. Be gentle with yourself, it's not easy.

trailmix

I second the book recommendation Glenjo made, you might want to get a copy of Codependant No More, you might find it helpful going forward.

I think you are well rid of him.

In future do you want a boyfriend that will treat you so destructively? Also, raging fights are a bad bad indicator of how a relationship will go. As I'm sure you know, in good relationships people discuss things, they don't scream at each other and the fact this triggers that in you is a big red flag.

As for drugs and drinking, is that ever something you want in your relationship?

Breaking up and then getting back together is always (from what I have seen) a really bad indicator. You are either in the relationship or you are not. This should not be negotiable. People do have conflict and they may even take a few days to cool down, but they don't "break up". That roller coaster of breaking up and getting back together really just allows both parties to cool off and regain some strength, doesn't solve anything and is very destructive.

There is a lot of wisdom here at SR and lots of good information in the stickies section at the top. You might want to read some of this as it might help you to understand alcoholism, if you are interested:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)

trailmix

Also, as you mentioned, he may well be a nice guy underneath all this, but, you can't date his potential really?

I completely understand that your feelings are hurt. Try to keep in mind that this really isn't about you. It's about him and whatever he is up to, be that drugs, alcohol or recovery. Whatever it is at this moment they are all very very self-centered pursuits.

If you do encounter another addict please always keep in mind, you didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 cs).

Staar

Thanks. That's exactly how I feel (the possibility that they no longer depend on us can bring up feelings). This is true. I always thought, " as soon as he gets a job he won't have time for me", of course-I couldn't believe I was thinking that as I've never in my life dated a guy without a job let alone a junkie.

Deep down I know if that were to happen then we aren't meant to be together but then I also know that unless he makes some major changes - he will never be able to hold a even hold job as he nods off after 1.5 hrs and is "tired."

I really care about health and nutrition and I always fantasized about going to the gym with my husband in the morning and then eating a healthy meal and stuff like that and go on vacations where people do healthy eating and things like that.

I'm struggling with this " co dependency" term. I don't think I am codependent.

I've always been very independent. Too independent to the point where I feel like I should have more friends.

I've always made my own money and I'm pretty successful professionally however I started from the bottom and worked my way up and was knocked down many a times and I'm back up the ladder.

I'm not rich but I pay my own bills always have.

I just don't think I'm " co dependent" as I don't call or drop by anything and we live five mins from each other.

I was thinking about it and I'm a heterosexual female so if a good female friend all the sudden disappeared from my life- I would also be crushed and deeply sad and I definitely do not have co dependent issues with my female friends as we rarely hang out.

I'm really lonely so that's a big part of it and I miss the companionship and the conversations and I care about him.

hopeful4

Yes, you should forget about him. He clearly has many issues and I seriously doubt his "recovery" from the sound of things.

You deserve more.

trailmix

I should have clarified that book recommendation, sorry about that. I didn't mean to imply you are co-dependant at all.

The book contains a lot of information about relationships and about boundaries. As you said:

We aren't actually "all" doing this. I would try to never let someone blame you for their shortcomings. Why would you do that? That may be "kind" to them and let them off some invisible hook but what does that do to YOU.

There is kindness and there is throwing yourself under the bus and I see a bit of bus throwing here to be honest.

Why would you want to be in a relationship with someone where you have to check their breathing when they nod off to make sure they haven't just OD'd?

Sometimes when we get mixed up in a dysfunctional relationship it takes time away from it to review and come out of the fog it can create in our minds, to really see things clearly.

My advice is to never contact him again.

Staar

I know...,. I hate to say it but I really wonder if he is actually in recovery.,.. It's just hard to believe.... I hope its true but I feel like he needs to be in a inpatient facility as he is really really into the opioids.... Calling me and telling me he is in recovery and he will " call me tomorrow" and then sends a text the next day at midnight, "sorry I didn't call as it was my bd yesterday and it ran late".

Obviously my first thought was.,. Ok so u were out on your BD at midnight and not one drink??? Really???? It's totally possible but..... Unless he was out with I guess his sponsor if he has one.

What friends besides myself do not snort Oxycodones and fentanyl and top it off with a pint of vodka.

After he sent that text I didn't respond but was explosively angry five days later.... I told him that I found fentanyl in my apartment as it fell out his pocket completely consumed of course.

Ya know what if a child was at my house and picked that up and licked the wrapper.

Honestly.....