How should you cut off ties with an addict?

Old 10-27-2018, 03:25 AM
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How should you cut off ties with an addict?

I’ve posted here a few times now regarding my boyfriend who is addicted to drugs. He’s been acting really reckless lately and causing a lot of emotional pain for me and his mom.

He disappears for weeks at a time and doesn’t tell me where he goes. When I ask he says what’s it matter? And then continues on with his ways like nothing he does affects other people. I’m 21 weeks pregnant with his son. I cry all the time because of the way he does me. I admit,we have had some explosive fights because of his actions and he holds every single word I’ve said out of anger,against me.


He brings it up every time I disagree with what he does. I’m not allowed to bring up the fact that he leaves for weeks at a time. “Oh you’re gonna bring THAT up,that’s in the past” but he’s allowed to talk about the times he sends me over the edge and I say hurtful things. It’s so frustrating. I made arrangements to send him to a rehab facility after he decided to go. He left not even 24 hours later.


I am emotionally tired. I love him and want him to be better,but at this point he makes so many excuses up. I can’t have an intimate relationship with him because he shoots up drugs and I’m afraid of catching a disease from him. I can’t get through to him at all. And when I finally decide to move on he messages me telling me he needs me and that he wants to come home and he will try fixing things. It’s just so frustrating.


How do I leave and move forward?
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Old 10-27-2018, 05:43 AM
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You are in a bad spot. You do need to cut off ties especially for the baby. You could try blocking his number. I assume he shows up when he is out of money.He probably tries to convince you that everything is your fault. He wouldn't be on drugs if you did ......fill in the blank.
The beginning of letting go is the hardest part.
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Old 10-27-2018, 08:02 AM
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Ann
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Cutting off ties can be hard, but staying can be harder.

Maybe make a plan for yourself, put some money aside for when the day comes and decide how you will leave...or make him leave. If you have family, please allow then to help, the time of separation can be a dangerous time, when physical abuse may enter the picture and you are pregnant so need to protect yourself and the baby.

Plan what you would do, put all the security in place that you can and then cut those ties or at least put enough space between you so that you can stay healthy and find your balance again, then decide your future plan.

My heart hurts for you, this should be a happy time but it doesn't look like it will be any time soon. You deserve better, so does your unborn child.

Good luck dear.
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Old 10-29-2018, 07:02 AM
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I’m sorry, I know how hard it is to share a child with an addict. And to come to the realization that you will not be the happy family you wanted & the life you envisioned for yourself is not reality. I think the first part is accepting the situation as it is. The baby is not going to make him change...sad, but true. Take it from me, it is extremely difficult to raise a newborn & have an addict that you are also taking care of/ worrying about, etc. Your baby needs you to be safe & healthy. You are all the baby has. Figure out a way to put space & time between you & him & things will become more clear. I know it is overwhelming to deal with all that you are...one day at a time. You are strong. You can do this.
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Old 10-29-2018, 07:12 AM
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He disappears for weeks at a time and doesn’t tell me where he goes.
That’s a common behavior for many addicts and a big reason why relationships with them will not workout.

And then continues on with his ways like nothing he does affects other people
.

Other people only matter to active addicts when they are useful to them, money, a roof over their head, food, etc. etc.

I admit,we have had some explosive fights because of his actions and he holds every single word I’ve said out of anger,against me.
Yup, that’s another common behavior of addicts.

I can’t have an intimate relationship with him because he shoots up drugs and I’m afraid of catching a disease from him.
Very smart!

And when I finally decide to move on he messages me telling me he needs me and that he wants to come home and he will try fixing things.
And how many times has that happened now? How many time has be fixed things?

The best way to leave is of course safely, use the police if you must, a restraining order if you must if he comes and harasses or threatens you.

Going no contact, blocking him so that his “words” of he needs you can’t have an emotional impact on you.

You might think this is coldhearted and many might not agree with me but if I were in your position knowing what I know today I would not put his name on my child’s birth certificate. I would accept that I will be raising the child alone and without any financial, emotional or physical support from an active disappearing drug addict.
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Old 10-29-2018, 07:16 AM
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You might think this is coldhearted and many might not agree with me but if I were in your position knowing what I know today I would not put his name on my child’s birth certificate. I would accept that I will be raising the child alone and without any financial, emotional or physical support from an active disappearing drug addict.
I agree with this. I used to work in paternity rights and I would not put his name on the birth certificate either. The chances that he's going to actually be of help are practically nil at this point and all the birth cert would do is give him access to you and the child. I would not agree to paternity testing either unless it was court ordered - which is very unlikely to ever happen.
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Old 10-29-2018, 08:47 AM
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You have to accept that cutting him loose is going to be extremely difficult. It's not going to feel good at all. Nor should it. So with that established:

* delete his contact information
* block his number
* block him on all social media
* create an email filter to send any email from him into your junk folder
* do not give in to any temptation to change your mind

And then ride out the storm.
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Old 11-01-2018, 09:07 AM
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Thanks everyone. I

im still new to this forum so I’m learning how to reply to posts. He actually got arrested a few days ago for trafficking heroin and meth. He will be in there for a while,so I’m hoping this saves his life. I appreciate every bit of advice I’ve gotten from this site. Thank you all so much.
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Old 11-07-2018, 07:18 AM
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Take good care of yourself and your growing baby. I understand how painful it is to love an addict. You can do this!🙂
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Old 11-10-2018, 05:21 PM
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Thank you

Originally Posted by zoso77 View Post
You have to accept that cutting him loose is going to be extremely difficult. It's not going to feel good at all. Nor should it. So with that established:

* delete his contact information
* block his number
* block him on all social media
* create an email filter to send any email from him into your junk folder
* do not give in to any temptation to change your mind

And then ride out the storm.

I appreciate everyone who has replied to my post. Again,I’m learning how to work this website so forgive me. I’ve cut off contact with him since finding out he cheated on me. I like the “ride out the storm” comment because that’s exactly what I’ve been trying to do. I keep repeating it in my head when I have a rough day with it. He tries calling everyday but I haven’t answered him yet. I just cannot deal with his destructive ways anymore. It’s bringing me down in ways that I feel are making me sick. Mentally,emotionally and even physically. Just glad to get a little peace away from him. I am pregnant with his baby so I feel like I’ll eventuslly have to communicate with him even though he isn’t parent material,he will still use that as an excuse to get in touch with me I feel like. Ugh. Guess we will see. Thanks again guys.
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Old 11-12-2018, 08:52 AM
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One day at a time... its always a good thing to remember. Since he's back in jail, you have time to think.

You can't solve problems that have not yet come up (like custody battles, etc.), but you can prepare yourself for them by focusing on strengthening yourself from within and knowing your rights.

I have found for myself that answering the question "How should you cut off ties with an addict?" becomes easier to answer when you have made the decision within yourself that that is what you really want and why you want it.

If you are there - maybe try what has worked for me - write it down, and read it every day.

If you are not there yet, maybe explore what's getting in the way of you seeking freedom.

And, if you are worried about a custody battle, maybe consider starting to document all of his behavior, seek his criminal records (much of that is public) and build the documentation that would help you if/when this arises. And, do some reading or seek the assistance of a lawyer (many counties have free lawyers you can consult if you can't afford one) to find out your rights. That could go a long way in calming your fears. (and of course, if he continues to use, it is unlikely he will have the presence of mind to bring a legal action anyway).

A psychotherapist once said to me "the way out of a bad feeling is a positive decision followed by action". Maybe think about - What positive decisions can you make for yourself and your baby to strengthen yourself and prepare for the future.

Wishing you clarity for your next steps. Keep what helps and discard the rest.
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Old 11-17-2018, 04:15 PM
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An addict will say anything to get what they want. The thing is we don't have relationships with them we just find our selves in situations with them.

Stay strong but be gentle with yourself.
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Old 11-17-2018, 09:03 PM
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Ditto to "If I knew then what I know now, I'd never have put his name on that birth certificate". I've been through absolute hell with having to prove to family court that he is a danger to the kids. Now that I've finally succeeding in proving it, he still has a chance of regaining unsupervised visitation once he can show he's working a recovery program. I am terrified of that possibility.
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