Brother has passed away - feeling guilty...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2018
Posts: 3
Brother has passed away - feeling guilty...
Hi there,
I'm a first timer here. Just need to share my story. My brother passed away about a month ago - all alone and by himself. He was a drinker for many years. He lived on and off with my mother - I suppose enabling his addiction even more. I'm not angry with her...she was just doing what mothers' do.
My mother died...and after that his drinking got worse until he was admitted to hospital and a nursing home for well over a year. He then got better, got an apartment but still was drinking himself to oblivion.
My life was completely revolving around his addiction. I had to anticipate his every move. I only got relief when he was in hospital, a nursing home or compulsory rehab. When his phone was turned off it was a guarantee he was boozing away and if I hadn't heard from him for about a week I would have to do a 'welfare check' on him and the police and ambo's would invariably find him drunk and take him to hospital. I had to do this all the time when he was living by himself. I would also have to talk himself out of killing himself - this happened a number of times. The only other relief I got was when a welfare officer would check on him once a week...but then that program ended.
Having to call the police or ambo's (ambulance - I'm Australian - we shorten everything) was a very stressful thing - it was happening on a semi-regular basis. I hated it because it meant I would be sucked into his addiction and mess all over again.
Well the same thing happened again...phone was turned off and I guess he was busy getting drunk again. So I just let it be. I figured he was okay after going on a binge time and time again and even surviving a stint at the Hilton for a week after being reported missing that he would be fine this time. I was wrong. I called the police and ambo's after 2 weeks of not hearing anything. So again...the same old same old....he was found dead in his bedroom - he had been gone for about a week and half. He was 50.
The thing is - is that I feel guilty...I understand guilt is a big part of grief...but I feel guilty that only I had called someone he might still be alive...part another part of me thinks...for how much longer? He said to me a week before he died he just needed a job to keep him out of trouble. Denial until the bitter end. There was no inquest into his death...they just got notes from his doctor and said he died from alcohol and liver related issues. But I don't know...I just feel guilty...I was just so sick and tired of being dragged into dramas all the time....and called the police and ambo's was doing just that.
Sorry for the thesis...just need to tell someone. Thanks.
I'm a first timer here. Just need to share my story. My brother passed away about a month ago - all alone and by himself. He was a drinker for many years. He lived on and off with my mother - I suppose enabling his addiction even more. I'm not angry with her...she was just doing what mothers' do.
My mother died...and after that his drinking got worse until he was admitted to hospital and a nursing home for well over a year. He then got better, got an apartment but still was drinking himself to oblivion.
My life was completely revolving around his addiction. I had to anticipate his every move. I only got relief when he was in hospital, a nursing home or compulsory rehab. When his phone was turned off it was a guarantee he was boozing away and if I hadn't heard from him for about a week I would have to do a 'welfare check' on him and the police and ambo's would invariably find him drunk and take him to hospital. I had to do this all the time when he was living by himself. I would also have to talk himself out of killing himself - this happened a number of times. The only other relief I got was when a welfare officer would check on him once a week...but then that program ended.
Having to call the police or ambo's (ambulance - I'm Australian - we shorten everything) was a very stressful thing - it was happening on a semi-regular basis. I hated it because it meant I would be sucked into his addiction and mess all over again.
Well the same thing happened again...phone was turned off and I guess he was busy getting drunk again. So I just let it be. I figured he was okay after going on a binge time and time again and even surviving a stint at the Hilton for a week after being reported missing that he would be fine this time. I was wrong. I called the police and ambo's after 2 weeks of not hearing anything. So again...the same old same old....he was found dead in his bedroom - he had been gone for about a week and half. He was 50.
The thing is - is that I feel guilty...I understand guilt is a big part of grief...but I feel guilty that only I had called someone he might still be alive...part another part of me thinks...for how much longer? He said to me a week before he died he just needed a job to keep him out of trouble. Denial until the bitter end. There was no inquest into his death...they just got notes from his doctor and said he died from alcohol and liver related issues. But I don't know...I just feel guilty...I was just so sick and tired of being dragged into dramas all the time....and called the police and ambo's was doing just that.
Sorry for the thesis...just need to tell someone. Thanks.
Friendly Folk
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Powers Lake, Wisconsin
Posts: 21,717
That is very sad. I hope you can find peace in knowing that your brother is at a better place. He was unhappy here on earth and is now out of his pain. Time for you to begin living your life again.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Eliza, I am so sorry for your loss and for the pain his death has brought you. It's not your fault, you could have called a hundred times more but sooner or later this would have happened, it's the path of self-destruction that alcohol leads to.
He is at peace now. May you process the pain and find your own peace with all this.
He is at peace now. May you process the pain and find your own peace with all this.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Dear Eliza
Oh my, I am just so sorry about the loss of your brother. You have my deepest sympathies!
The 3rd anniversary of my husband's death is in just a few days. He was not an active alcoholic--and I have struggled mightily with guilt!! I can only begin to imagine how you feel. And I'm so sorry!!
But I can tell you, as someone who is not a member of your family, that you absolutely did all you could. You have nothing to feel guilty about!
I have been attending grief counseling, and it has helped me immensely. One thing my counselor told me to think about is this: Did I think that my late husband would want me to be in so much pain?
The very clear answer to that is No. And if my late husband would not judge me, then what right did I have to judge myself so harshly?
Please take very good care of yourself, Eliza!!
Oh my, I am just so sorry about the loss of your brother. You have my deepest sympathies!
The 3rd anniversary of my husband's death is in just a few days. He was not an active alcoholic--and I have struggled mightily with guilt!! I can only begin to imagine how you feel. And I'm so sorry!!
But I can tell you, as someone who is not a member of your family, that you absolutely did all you could. You have nothing to feel guilty about!
I have been attending grief counseling, and it has helped me immensely. One thing my counselor told me to think about is this: Did I think that my late husband would want me to be in so much pain?
The very clear answer to that is No. And if my late husband would not judge me, then what right did I have to judge myself so harshly?
Please take very good care of yourself, Eliza!!
Mr
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: FRANCE
Posts: 5,230
Welcome Eliza,
Sorry about what happened. Seen it before.
Living it at the moment with my own older brother...
It's absolutely not your fault.
Hope you get to move on and live a beautiful long life...
Take care,
Vinny.
Sorry about what happened. Seen it before.
Living it at the moment with my own older brother...
It's absolutely not your fault.
Hope you get to move on and live a beautiful long life...
Take care,
Vinny.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 330
Originally Posted by Eliza74 
The thing is - is that I feel guilty...I understand guilt is a big part of grief...but I feel guilty that only I had called someone he might still be alive...part another part of me thinks...for how much longer?.
My cousin died in a similar way... He was an addict and deeply depressed... Missing his younger brother who died ten years earlier... The guilt their parents feel .....sometimes it seems unbearable for them...but somehow they are still together, getting therapy now.... And I think they are beginning to find peace now.
I believe this is your time for peace and freedom now Eliza... You've been carrying a burden too heavy for anyone to carry. And yet you carried it..... but with God's will he is at peace now... I hope you can try to be gentle on yourself ... Try a little every day to challenge those thoughts and honour yourself for all that you did... Give yourself lots of self care and love, you deserve this x
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
I'm sorry for your pain and guilty feelings Eliza. Glad you found us.
It's fairly normal, in fact almost inevitable, that the survivors feel guilty after a loved one suicides (and I count drinking yourself to death as that). You understand your feelings aren't based on logic, but you can't get your heart to believe it.
You might benefit from a few counselling sessions. Many workplaces have free counselling services and I've used them myself after the suicide of my daughter's ex-partner. It helped a lot and only took 2 goes.
Thinking you could help your brother is giving yourself too much power and influence. We don't live our lives trying to think of every contingency and prevent it because that would lead to madness. As hard as it seems, your brother was an adult, he had a doctor who no doubt warned him about the consequences of drinking, and he made his choices.
It's fairly normal, in fact almost inevitable, that the survivors feel guilty after a loved one suicides (and I count drinking yourself to death as that). You understand your feelings aren't based on logic, but you can't get your heart to believe it.
You might benefit from a few counselling sessions. Many workplaces have free counselling services and I've used them myself after the suicide of my daughter's ex-partner. It helped a lot and only took 2 goes.
Thinking you could help your brother is giving yourself too much power and influence. We don't live our lives trying to think of every contingency and prevent it because that would lead to madness. As hard as it seems, your brother was an adult, he had a doctor who no doubt warned him about the consequences of drinking, and he made his choices.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Very sorry for your loss.
I have an addicted sib, too, and I can see how you might feel that you could have done more.
You couldn’t have.
He was on his own self destructive path, and all the wellness checks and ambulance calls couldn’t turn him away from it.
Grief and guilt are powerful emotions.
Grieve your brother, but don’t let guilt rule you.
Good luck and good thoughts.
I have an addicted sib, too, and I can see how you might feel that you could have done more.
You couldn’t have.
He was on his own self destructive path, and all the wellness checks and ambulance calls couldn’t turn him away from it.
Grief and guilt are powerful emotions.
Grieve your brother, but don’t let guilt rule you.
Good luck and good thoughts.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2018
Posts: 3
Thanks everyone...
Thanks everyone for your replies - so lovely and a comfort.
Each and everyone of you are a godsend.
Thank god there is support from all over the world (and god bless the internet) who have gone through the same thing xx
Each and everyone of you are a godsend.
Thank god there is support from all over the world (and god bless the internet) who have gone through the same thing xx
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: ohio
Posts: 3,615
Eliza,
im very sorry for your loss. As you move through the grief, I hope you understand that you have NOTHING to feel guilty about. You didn’t cause his addiction, only he could have sought help to cure it and you certainly could not have controlled it.
My my brother died in May, and he was gone a week before we found out too. It’s easy to beat yourself up over it, play it over and over in your mind. I get it.
Like others said, he wouldn’t want you in pain over his choices and addiction. I’m sure of that. You did your best, but it wasn’t in your power to fix him. He’s free now, and in time you’ll realize you are as well.
Take good care.
im very sorry for your loss. As you move through the grief, I hope you understand that you have NOTHING to feel guilty about. You didn’t cause his addiction, only he could have sought help to cure it and you certainly could not have controlled it.
My my brother died in May, and he was gone a week before we found out too. It’s easy to beat yourself up over it, play it over and over in your mind. I get it.
Like others said, he wouldn’t want you in pain over his choices and addiction. I’m sure of that. You did your best, but it wasn’t in your power to fix him. He’s free now, and in time you’ll realize you are as well.
Take good care.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,631
Hi Eliza, so sorry about your Brother.
I just want to reiterate what everyone else has said. You shouldn't feel guilty, it wasn't your "fault". Calling, not calling you know these were just stop-gap measures.
Above all, your Brother had a right to do with his life as he chose. As for the alcoholism, you didn't Cause it, couldn't Control it and surely couldn't Cure it. That's an inside job and he made a choice to not do that. For good or for bad, that was his right.
I hope with time you will come to see this. I completely understand your guilt I just don't think it's justified. I'm sure he did appreciate all you did for him and that you cared.
I just want to reiterate what everyone else has said. You shouldn't feel guilty, it wasn't your "fault". Calling, not calling you know these were just stop-gap measures.
Above all, your Brother had a right to do with his life as he chose. As for the alcoholism, you didn't Cause it, couldn't Control it and surely couldn't Cure it. That's an inside job and he made a choice to not do that. For good or for bad, that was his right.
I hope with time you will come to see this. I completely understand your guilt I just don't think it's justified. I'm sure he did appreciate all you did for him and that you cared.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Hi Eliza,
Welcome to SR. I'm glad you're here.
May you find peace through the grieving process. Your brother has found his peace. It's okay for you to move on with your life in new ways. Being caught up in the chaos for so long often takes another kind of grieving, too.
Be extra kind to yourself. We would never blame, shame or hurt someone else who's going through the loss of a loved one. Now is the time to talk to yourself as a good friend will. That you're worthy of a good life. That it wasn't your job to save him.
I'm very sorry for your loss.
Welcome to SR. I'm glad you're here.
May you find peace through the grieving process. Your brother has found his peace. It's okay for you to move on with your life in new ways. Being caught up in the chaos for so long often takes another kind of grieving, too.
Be extra kind to yourself. We would never blame, shame or hurt someone else who's going through the loss of a loved one. Now is the time to talk to yourself as a good friend will. That you're worthy of a good life. That it wasn't your job to save him.
I'm very sorry for your loss.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 152
Eliza, so sorry about your brother. I can totally relate unfortunately. My alcoholic brother is 56 and lived with my parents his entire life. He lost his driver’s license about 20 years ago due to many DUIs. Lost probably 4 or 5 jobs over the years. My Dad drove him wherever he needed to go. Both mom and dad died within the last 1-2 years and now he’s on his own in their apartment. No one really visits him, really no friends, uses taxi or Uber for his errands and appointments.
He is an active alcoholic and his usual pattern is to go on a binge shutting himself away from the world for 2-3 days, surface and act like nothing has happened. He is quite sick and frail.
When my mom died a year ago I tried to look after him a bit. We have never gotten along manly because he’s a mean drunk and a self absorbed jerk. I really tried to honor my mom and dad but I came to realize that it was making me mentally and physically sick interacting him and even thinking about him.
So I’ve decided I for my own health I needed to pull away. I told him if he wants to get help getting sober I’ll be at his side in a minute. But he just told me to F off and never contact him again. So he lives a very lonely life in his apartment and I’m waiting to get the call that he has passed. I feel very guilty but I just couldn’t continue.
So please don’t feel guilty. I’d suggest a few counseling sessions too; I’m thinking of doing the same. Take care of yourself.
He is an active alcoholic and his usual pattern is to go on a binge shutting himself away from the world for 2-3 days, surface and act like nothing has happened. He is quite sick and frail.
When my mom died a year ago I tried to look after him a bit. We have never gotten along manly because he’s a mean drunk and a self absorbed jerk. I really tried to honor my mom and dad but I came to realize that it was making me mentally and physically sick interacting him and even thinking about him.
So I’ve decided I for my own health I needed to pull away. I told him if he wants to get help getting sober I’ll be at his side in a minute. But he just told me to F off and never contact him again. So he lives a very lonely life in his apartment and I’m waiting to get the call that he has passed. I feel very guilty but I just couldn’t continue.
So please don’t feel guilty. I’d suggest a few counseling sessions too; I’m thinking of doing the same. Take care of yourself.
Last edited by Bebrave; 10-27-2018 at 04:49 PM. Reason: Spelling
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 194
I'm glad you found this place to share Eliza. You did everything you could and more. This is not your burden to carry. Hope you keep coming back for support, and that you could find a face-to-face Al Anon meeting that you like.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Western NY
Posts: 1,209
Eliza74 - sorry for your loss. It sounds like you went above and beyond for him.
About a year ago I had a sponsee that passed from an overdose. I initially felt some guilt, and questioned whether I should have done something different. My grandsponsor told me that only God has dominion over life and death. By going through all the shoulda couldas I was playing God. It was just his time to go.
About a year ago I had a sponsee that passed from an overdose. I initially felt some guilt, and questioned whether I should have done something different. My grandsponsor told me that only God has dominion over life and death. By going through all the shoulda couldas I was playing God. It was just his time to go.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 500
I am very sorry for your loss. Like others have said, you have nothing to feel guilty about, if you had that much effect over your brother he would have been healthy a long time ago. He is responsible for his choices. I hope you can find peace. Praying for you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 152
I just reread my post and I basically said I feel guilty, and turned around and told you not to feel guilty 😂. So it’s easier said than done.
But healing for us means moving towards being at peace and knowing we didn’t cause the consequences of their choices.
But healing for us means moving towards being at peace and knowing we didn’t cause the consequences of their choices.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
Eliza, I have a sister who is troubled in her own way. One thing I'm trying to figure out is how to instruct her daughters not to take on a burden that was never theirs to begin with.
There was nothing you could have done to prevent this. I'm so sorry for your loss.
There was nothing you could have done to prevent this. I'm so sorry for your loss.
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