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Feeling isolated and alone

Old 10-26-2018, 11:10 PM
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Feeling isolated and alone

I’m sorry this is long. I feel like I have no one to talk to, and don’t want to go crazy.
I keep getting this feeling that I am totally alone. Even in aa lately. Almost all of my interactions feel forced or fake. I couldn’t focus at my meeting today. The topic was very god oriented today. And I can’t seem to get there. I started wondering what was wrong with me, why everyone can find a higher power and have these amazing moments where god talks to them and they just know, but I’m over here like “well maybe a tree can be my higher power? I do like trees.” I just feel like an idiot. Or a fake.

After, I took my kids to the mall play place, and felt so out of touch with other moms. Like I was a fraud or phony sitting there trying to fit in with them. But I’m sure everyone can tell I don’t belong. I realized I feel like a fraud everywhere I go.
The close people in my life, who aren’t alcoholics, I love them for sticking with me. But I feel like I’m so alone with them too. I don’t want to talk about drinking or how I’m feeling, because I should just be snapped out of it by now. And the people I drank with who “really got me” well they only want to hang out with other drinkers. And since I’ve lost that identity, where do I stand now?

Well it’s probably a bunch of self pity all rolled up, topped with some depression, and a little poor me, I’m good at all that stuff. Thanks for listening.
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Old 10-26-2018, 11:16 PM
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A tree is a great idea!!!

Don't discount this. One of my favorite 12 step stories is from someone feeling very much the same about the "Higher Power" or "God" concept.

The realization that a tree is something greater than me can be very tangible.

Hang in there. It does get better.

I'm not alcoholic. I have felt many of those same feelings early in my recovery in Alanon. One way it was expressed that I related to was it being my "dis-ease" trying to lure me into isolation. Going forward was outside my comfort zone. The more I took new healthy actions, the bigger my comfort zone eventually got.
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Old 10-26-2018, 11:19 PM
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Well,....you don't sound fake to me.

As for feeling alone, you should realize that there's undoubtedly multi millions of recovering alcoholics out there in the world.

We're an identity. A very large one.

I've been around quite a few during my off and on journey. I've always been impressed with their (our?) honesty.
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Old 10-26-2018, 11:42 PM
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It's not self pity, it's how you feel and you're just being honest.
And I can relate. I felt like a fraud, too. I'm not a drunk anymore. But the people who never were, or will be, felt so foreign to me. Surely they wouldn't understand me.
All I had was here and in AA. Where I sat silently, knowing I belonged, but still I felt different. But more comfortable than being around non-alcoholics.

I never had a burning bush moment when god came to me, but my higher power, who I do believe is god, slowly came to me.
As for a higher power, I heard a woman talk about her god box. A box that was her higher power.
Your higher power can be whatever you wish it to be.
I was so isolated when I quit. I was literally alone for months with my thoughts. But I didn't drink over it.

It's been over nine and a half years now since I drank and I have assimilated back into society.
I am part of the world now. I'm still not sure of my place in it, but I'm back.
I don't have 'Former drunk' stamped on my forehead. I fit in sort of.

Give it some time. I think you'll find your place in the world. You belong, and not just here or AA. You have earned that right.
I understand. You're not alone in your feelings. I was an outcast drunk and I'm still an outcast. But ya know what? I'm okay with that.
I've found my sober self. And I like him and don't particularly care what anyone else thinks about it.
Hang in there. You'll find your place in the world. You will.
Best to you.
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Old 10-26-2018, 11:49 PM
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The higher power thing - I’m an atheist and dislike organised religion quite vehemently. It’s been hard for me, I’ve been resistant.

My higher power is the universe. I have no problem thanking the universe for every good thing in my life. It’s also non-theoretical - the universe LITERALLY gives me everything I need to stay sober. Food, water, shelter, company, a job etc - thank you universe. I visualise all the beautiful things in nature, the sea, mountains, sunsets, forests. Trying to develop a spirituality when you have none (me) is really hard, it’s like working a muscle that hasnt worked for ten years.

I feel like a fraud doing it but the more I do it the easier it gets. Maybe I am a new Jesus/Mohammed/Buddha and will form my own religion in a bit....
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Old 10-27-2018, 12:05 AM
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Hi Kiki

I felt like a fake most of my life - I think a lot of us drinkers do.

it was only by quitting drinking and looking hard at myself I turned that around.

You're clearly not a fake - you're committed to change and you've come a long way already - it's normal to feel doubt sometimes but it's not for nothing that they say keep doing the next right thing.

As for God - I got sober as an agnostic - all I needed to accept was that if I was the most powerful thing in the universe I was in serious trouble...

All I needed to believe was that there was a power greater than me, and I found that in my fellow alcoholics and this community.

D
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Old 10-27-2018, 12:38 AM
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Check out a book titled; "That Tree" by Mark Hirsch.
I think you may see a 'god moment" in his photographs.
♡CR
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Old 10-27-2018, 01:04 AM
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It is normal. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Aw1oLtuJOXQ
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Old 10-27-2018, 02:24 AM
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I agree - you don't sound fake to me! But I know the feeling you describe. I was so raw at the start, and was scared about what I would find on the other side of my drinking life. I'm an AA person and some (most!) of the "sayings" annoyed the heck out of me at first - especially "fake it til you make it." WTF, I thought?!

But, sometimes, I reframed that to mean "do what I need to do til I feel it's genuine." My husband and I call it making the next right choice. I knew I HAD to stay sober and figure out how to look for the people who had what I wanted.

It's such a learning process. I struggled with self-pity and while I couldn't see it at first, incredible drama-orientation and victimhood. I have learned how to deal with all that, most of the time pretty well and quickly. It all takes time, which is something else I heard that frustrated me.

Keep doing what you are doing, and reaching out because so many of us know what you are feeling and care share our experiences on what got and gets us through.

You can do this- you are doing it - and I'm glad you are here.
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Old 10-27-2018, 03:30 AM
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No, not self pity. I went for a nice meal- with 3 others from my home group- 16th sobirthday for one. Good company, good food- yet I still felt 'out of it', alone. I understand mentally it is because reconnection with others in recovery takes time, but it still hurts.
Prayers and support to you.
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Old 10-27-2018, 05:33 AM
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I very much relate. My perpetual sense of feeling 'different' and not fitting in. I realized for me that its more about self acceptance than anything else. If I accept me, as I am, flaws and all, I'm less concerned with what others think. I think my constant self consciousness and fear made others uncomfortable, because it tapped into their own self consciousness, which just made 'things' worse. Learning to be ok with me is a work in progress, it takes time. A lot more than a couple of months abstinent for sure.

I don't believe in God. Its hard....I feel 'left out'. But I've had to face that fact....rather than fake it or keep trying. I do have faith however. Faith that if I do the right thing, generally the right things happen. I also have faith that the wrong things sometimes happen, that's just life. I can let go of stuff I have no control of without the idea of a HP but that has taken time...just put it out there in the universe somewhere. And keep doing the right thing to the best of my ability.

Hang in there. You're doing great. And all those other Moms? They are focused on themselves and their kids....you just stay focused on you.
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Old 10-27-2018, 05:51 AM
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Being different from the larger drinking world around you doesn't make you a fraud in life. You just have a special set of challenges that you need to attend to in order to be healthy. There are a lot of other groups out there who have differences from the general community -- physically, mentally, socially, that lead theirs lives in ways that are not the same. Each group has its own identity but contributes to the whole at large. I think that there has been progress in society in trying to accept "the other", but there is a long way to go.

Feeling isolated from the broad "normal" community out there is a natural inclination, but we don't have to act upon those thoughts all the time. I resist the notion that there are alcoholics and "normies" in the world. We are all just humans making our way through a very complicated experience of unknowns, doubts and contradictions, and periods of great joy, too. Try not to put yourself in a box.
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Old 10-27-2018, 01:44 PM
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You guys are all awesome. I have re read all of your responses a few times, and it really has made me feel so much less alone.
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Old 10-27-2018, 01:53 PM
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Kiki, I'm glad you feel a little less alone now. Like you, I felt very fake and phoney for a long time. I think it was when I began recovery that I realized I really didn't know much about myself. I was a lost soul and I had to do some serious building up of myself.

You are not alone when you are here at SR because we really do understand.
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Old 10-27-2018, 02:33 PM
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You are so not fake! Your HP does not have to be “god” oriented. I like the tree . It can be anything you want it to be that works for you. Mine is all of the collective good and light in the universe including my own higher self. I posted on the issue of HP a while ago and someone responded that they knew someone whose HP was G.O.D which stood for group of drunks. I though that was funny. But hey, whatever works. I took it to mean group of recovering drunks. Like Sober Recovery, we are all here helping each other and ourselves, and that’s a form of collective good.

I hear you on the parenting stuff. I feel the same at times. My kids not normal, and I don’t sip Chardonnay from a sippy cup (anymore) at park play dates, so I’m a total outsider. I just try to stay away from judgmental and heavy drinking moms. I’ve met plenty of new people who are more understanding.
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Old 10-27-2018, 02:56 PM
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Originally Posted by Gerard52 View Post
Thanks, Gerard. I got half way through and will listen to rest later. I gotta get ready for Halloween party! I like this guy and I agree with what he is saying about accepting, even embracing, all of life’s imperfections and disappointments, and all of our feelings, even sadness. Everything is normal.
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Old 10-27-2018, 05:45 PM
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The enemy of your soul would like for you to get "stuck" at feeling isolated/alone as a negative state to be in....so much so that it could overcome...but this is just a temporary feeling....things always change; they do. Or, you change. Something changes.

There's been times in my life when I felt alone (negative) and other times when I LOVED being alone (positive). I learned that creative writing and getting some songs down on paper and fret board (guitar) came best when I was feeling kind of "alone"...seriously...that can be when the best things come out. This doesn't have to be a time for you to feel forsaken. You're NOT forsaken.
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Old 10-27-2018, 06:40 PM
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Most all species have periods of molting or shedding or hibernation or whatever you want to call it. Some of the most beautiful feathers grow on a chicken after they have gone through the molting. I'm not saying you're molting, but it may FEEL that way right now.......

This feeling can be turned around, though, it really can. I believe this. I've seen it happen. Just when the caterpillar was losing all hope it turned into a beautiful butterfly. Some days are warm. Some are cold. The "air turns"...or so it seems. Turn it around. Do the opposite as what you feel like doing or what you usually do ... stretch out...try something different.

One of the best/first songs I ever wrote I remember feeling/thinking "I can't write songs!" Til one day, someone/something told me I could if I take the time and TRY IT. I entered "the zone" and the words came forth eventually and I was alone.....or was I alone, really?
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