Mad at Myself Today
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Mad at Myself Today
Our phone carrier does call blocking for free for 3 months at a time. My calendar popped up that it was time to renew the call block on the woman that my husband was having the emotional affair with.
I found out about her in the beginning of July. Immediately after finding their texts, AH says he cut contact with her and said it was just because he was drunk and our marriage was having problems.
I dated AH 6 years. He proposed the first year, but after no wedding date being set, I took the ring off. After 6 years I finally said if we weren't going to get married that I had to move on. We were broken up for a month. During that month he slept with this woman a couple of times. I never knew about any of this until July (after 6 years of marriage) when I took his phone away from him and discovered the text messages. She was urging him to "get the ball rolling" and divorce me. She said that they were so alike, they both were obsessive about their appearance, they both had this in common, that in common...etc. etc. She wanted him to come to her town and visit her. She gave him her address and said he was welcome any time. They exchanged "I love yous".
I say I've forgiven my husband, but if I'm still feeling these things, HAVE I? All he can do, like today, is apologize, and all I can say is "I don't want anymore apologies - I want to know WHY!" His answers are "he doesn't know......he was drunk.....our marriage was bad when he would talk to her.....he's sorry........and you say you've forgiven me, why can't you let this go?"
I NEED to let this go. I've spent countless hours trying to find her picture on the internet (she only posts pictures of her dog on FB). I'm mad at myself for giving her all this energy of mine. I'm mad that this is causing my husband and me to fight. I'm mad that I feel insecure. I wish I had one of those "Men in Black" things that would completely erase this from my mind.
I found out about her in the beginning of July. Immediately after finding their texts, AH says he cut contact with her and said it was just because he was drunk and our marriage was having problems.
I dated AH 6 years. He proposed the first year, but after no wedding date being set, I took the ring off. After 6 years I finally said if we weren't going to get married that I had to move on. We were broken up for a month. During that month he slept with this woman a couple of times. I never knew about any of this until July (after 6 years of marriage) when I took his phone away from him and discovered the text messages. She was urging him to "get the ball rolling" and divorce me. She said that they were so alike, they both were obsessive about their appearance, they both had this in common, that in common...etc. etc. She wanted him to come to her town and visit her. She gave him her address and said he was welcome any time. They exchanged "I love yous".
I say I've forgiven my husband, but if I'm still feeling these things, HAVE I? All he can do, like today, is apologize, and all I can say is "I don't want anymore apologies - I want to know WHY!" His answers are "he doesn't know......he was drunk.....our marriage was bad when he would talk to her.....he's sorry........and you say you've forgiven me, why can't you let this go?"
I NEED to let this go. I've spent countless hours trying to find her picture on the internet (she only posts pictures of her dog on FB). I'm mad at myself for giving her all this energy of mine. I'm mad that this is causing my husband and me to fight. I'm mad that I feel insecure. I wish I had one of those "Men in Black" things that would completely erase this from my mind.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
I completely understand this feeling.
My AH cheated on me with two different women in 2014.
I spent hours upon hours looking at facebook pages... like I was obsessed... seriously obsessed.
AH and I are now separated, and he has had many girlfriends since then... I've looked them all up on FB. I do think it's normal curiosity to a point, but after that it's only damaging to us and a total waste of time and energy... but I definitely get it...
I had the same conversations with my AH. I felt like I NEEDED to have more information about the women, and about the timeline of it all, and I needed to talk about it and for him to talk about it with me openly. Sometimes I needed to ask the same questions more than once because I needed to process it all...
But my AH was just not in a place emotionally that he was able to give me all of that. He just wanted to say sorry and be done. And he would get mad and yell when I started talking about it too much or asking too many questions... so I finally just stopped. He didn't get it. He wasn't able to at the time.
I needed answers so badly that when the opportunity presented itself, I actually confronted one of the women, and I asked *her* some of the questions AH wouldn't answer for me... I don't recommend doing that... it was not one of my best decisions
and really only left me with more questions and more regret... but I'm just saying... I think that need for answers is really strong.. and I also think it's necessary for you to get answers and to be able to talk about it as much as you want to and for as long as you want to with your AH in order for you to heal and truly move on from this with him...
I'm sorry for this pain you're going through.. It hurts like no other pain I've ever felt...
Please don't beat yourself up for feeling what you are right now. One day at a time
My AH cheated on me with two different women in 2014.
I spent hours upon hours looking at facebook pages... like I was obsessed... seriously obsessed.
AH and I are now separated, and he has had many girlfriends since then... I've looked them all up on FB. I do think it's normal curiosity to a point, but after that it's only damaging to us and a total waste of time and energy... but I definitely get it...
I had the same conversations with my AH. I felt like I NEEDED to have more information about the women, and about the timeline of it all, and I needed to talk about it and for him to talk about it with me openly. Sometimes I needed to ask the same questions more than once because I needed to process it all...
But my AH was just not in a place emotionally that he was able to give me all of that. He just wanted to say sorry and be done. And he would get mad and yell when I started talking about it too much or asking too many questions... so I finally just stopped. He didn't get it. He wasn't able to at the time.
I needed answers so badly that when the opportunity presented itself, I actually confronted one of the women, and I asked *her* some of the questions AH wouldn't answer for me... I don't recommend doing that... it was not one of my best decisions
and really only left me with more questions and more regret... but I'm just saying... I think that need for answers is really strong.. and I also think it's necessary for you to get answers and to be able to talk about it as much as you want to and for as long as you want to with your AH in order for you to heal and truly move on from this with him...I'm sorry for this pain you're going through.. It hurts like no other pain I've ever felt...
Please don't beat yourself up for feeling what you are right now. One day at a time
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
This is a tough one.
My first husband and I had a tumultuous marriage.
We would split up, reconcile, split up , reconcile, etc.
We had a child and we both wanted it to work for his sake.
My then husband met and dated someone (whom he later married) during one of our separations, stopped seeing her when we reconciled yet again.
It was nearing the end of the marriage, things not being good, when I accidentally discovered that he was seeing her again, though we were still together.
It was a punch in the gut to me. Yes, things were bad, and, yes, we both had come to recognize that this just wasn’t going to work.
But did he have to do that? Couldn’t he have waited?
I never confronted him about it, so I didn’t get answers.
I don’t know that any answer I would have gotten would have satisfied.
And, end of the day, I had to own my part in it as well.
I’m so sorry that you have had to deal with betrayal. It is so hurtful and so difficult to get beyond at times.
We can, though.
Do what you must. Counselling, Al-Anon, scream into a pillow, take boxing lessons or a GRX class (they are killer!) share with a good friend. Whatever it takes.
Time to stop giving this stuff room in your head, yeah?
My first husband and I had a tumultuous marriage.
We would split up, reconcile, split up , reconcile, etc.
We had a child and we both wanted it to work for his sake.
My then husband met and dated someone (whom he later married) during one of our separations, stopped seeing her when we reconciled yet again.
It was nearing the end of the marriage, things not being good, when I accidentally discovered that he was seeing her again, though we were still together.
It was a punch in the gut to me. Yes, things were bad, and, yes, we both had come to recognize that this just wasn’t going to work.
But did he have to do that? Couldn’t he have waited?
I never confronted him about it, so I didn’t get answers.
I don’t know that any answer I would have gotten would have satisfied.
And, end of the day, I had to own my part in it as well.
I’m so sorry that you have had to deal with betrayal. It is so hurtful and so difficult to get beyond at times.
We can, though.
Do what you must. Counselling, Al-Anon, scream into a pillow, take boxing lessons or a GRX class (they are killer!) share with a good friend. Whatever it takes.
Time to stop giving this stuff room in your head, yeah?
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 573
Your husband doesn't get to tell you that you need to let go. That timing belongs to you. No one else. That's just basic cluelessness on his part. And forgiving someone doesn't mean that you forget about that happened. That kind of stuff gets seared into the mind and doesn't go away just because your husband wants it to. You're entitled to feel how you feel. He needs to man up and accept the fact that what he has done may have permanent consequences to your relationship. That's what being an adult is all about. Responsibility.
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
Originally Posted by BlownOne 
Your husband doesn't get to tell you that you need to let go. That timing belongs to you. No one else. That's just basic cluelessness on his part. And forgiving someone doesn't mean that you forget about that happened. That kind of stuff gets seared into the mind and doesn't go away just because your husband wants it to. You're entitled to feel how you feel. He needs to man up and accept the fact that what he has done may have permanent consequences to your relationship. That's what being an adult is all about. Responsibility.
Edit: as an aside; I've never cheated in a relationship,but have been cheated on. I knew when was when and didn't feel the need nor want to use the energy to 'punish' someone. Again..that seems crazy to me and I don't do crazy. That "permanent consequence" is a simple ......GOODBYE.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
My calendar popped up that it was time to renew the call block on the woman that my husband was having the emotional affair with.
why does your calendar have a reminder to call block this woman? was she calling you?
i'm confused on the timeline....was this July 2018.....or over six years ago, July 2012?
why does your calendar have a reminder to call block this woman? was she calling you?
i'm confused on the timeline....was this July 2018.....or over six years ago, July 2012?
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
I get it. My ex cheated on me years before we separated, a year-long affair with a friend of mine - and I became a little bit obsessed with tracking her down, finding out where she lived, etc - and when Facebook came into existence, finding her there (and still, all these years later, a not-very-nice feeling of satisfaction when I see her pictures and observe what 20 years of a drinking/drugging life will do to your looks).
I think that you don't have to "let it go" because it would be more comfortable for your husband if you did so. He doesn't have a right to have everything be smooth sailing. Dragging up the affair constantly would probably do no good - as it sounds like he's already "owned" it and understands that what he did was hurtful - but your timetable for "letting it go" may not be his. Over time, you may feel the need for answers slowly starts to dwindle - especially as you process/make peace with the fact that you will probably never get the answers.
(My ex also claimed he "didn't know" why he had the affair, but he needed to feel supported, the other woman understood him and didn't judge him, and oh yes, he was drunk for a lot of it).
I think that you don't have to "let it go" because it would be more comfortable for your husband if you did so. He doesn't have a right to have everything be smooth sailing. Dragging up the affair constantly would probably do no good - as it sounds like he's already "owned" it and understands that what he did was hurtful - but your timetable for "letting it go" may not be his. Over time, you may feel the need for answers slowly starts to dwindle - especially as you process/make peace with the fact that you will probably never get the answers.
(My ex also claimed he "didn't know" why he had the affair, but he needed to feel supported, the other woman understood him and didn't judge him, and oh yes, he was drunk for a lot of it).
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
My calendar popped up that it was time to renew the call block on the woman that my husband was having the emotional affair with.
why does your calendar have a reminder to call block this woman? was she calling you?
i'm confused on the timeline....was this July 2018.....or over six years ago, July 2012?
why does your calendar have a reminder to call block this woman? was she calling you?
i'm confused on the timeline....was this July 2018.....or over six years ago, July 2012?
My ex-husband cheated on me. I obsessed over certain details, too, like what she looked like, that she was younger than I, was she this, was she that? How did he talk to her compared to the way he talked to me...etc. I get it. I did enter counseling at that time, and I remember a very "bottom line" sort of conversation the counselor had with me. Did I think there was any way I would trust my husband again. If he did all the work necessary to rebuild the relationship from his side, could I ever relax and be comfortable with him again?
I never got to answer that question because my ex never fully participated in counseling and did not give up his girlfriend--then he filed for divorce.
Still, it was a question I would have had to answer for myself if I wanted the marriage to be healed.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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Love, Peace Sushi,
Think about the common threads here on this section of SR. It is a litany of A’s always having several women in tow to handle their lack of commitment and every other life problem they can’t hack. Active addicts tend to use people.
I never found proof that my H cheated. He had tons of opportunity when he was actively drinking. Time soothes over some issues (RAH 5+ years), but there are still triggers and trap doors in a marriage that continues even after addiction is arrested. Our partnership is now like Swiss cheese. It’s our mutually our favorite cheese, but there are holes in it. Sometimes for both of us, we get an air pocket.
So you survive one day at a time. Work on staying and work on an exit plan. Cover your bases. Take care of you. Block the number.
Think about the common threads here on this section of SR. It is a litany of A’s always having several women in tow to handle their lack of commitment and every other life problem they can’t hack. Active addicts tend to use people.
I never found proof that my H cheated. He had tons of opportunity when he was actively drinking. Time soothes over some issues (RAH 5+ years), but there are still triggers and trap doors in a marriage that continues even after addiction is arrested. Our partnership is now like Swiss cheese. It’s our mutually our favorite cheese, but there are holes in it. Sometimes for both of us, we get an air pocket.
So you survive one day at a time. Work on staying and work on an exit plan. Cover your bases. Take care of you. Block the number.
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Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Southern US
Posts: 510
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
My calendar popped up that it was time to renew the call block on the woman that my husband was having the emotional affair with.
why does your calendar have a reminder to call block this woman? was she calling you?
i'm confused on the timeline....was this July 2018.....or over six years ago, July 2012?
why does your calendar have a reminder to call block this woman? was she calling you?
i'm confused on the timeline....was this July 2018.....or over six years ago, July 2012?
My husband is sorry and I do want our marriage to work and heal. I think that when all the craziness happened, I just didn't process the affair and I stuffed it down. Having to re-block her number threw it back on the front burner, and it doesn't need to be there. There's a service we can pay for...it's like an additional $10 month, but it will do a permanent block AND it has some other features that may be useful, having a teen and all, like filters for viewing content. It might be worth the extra money not to be reminded of her several times a year. (An extra $120/year is cheaper than 1 hour of a good therapist!)
Our weather is really nice this weekend. I think I'm going to start walking again......get those "feel good" chemicals pumping again. Thanks for lending an ear. This, too, shall pass.
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LovePeace-
It was my husband's affair that finally got me dealing with the big elephant that had been in the room, addiction.
I don't know if there is a correlation between alcohol and affairs but I do know this. Both topics made ME nuts in similar ways. Desperately trying to manage and control and set the scenario so he would have a "perfect" life and not need to drink or engage in an affair.
Reading both your posts today felt familiar to me. I suspect I would have been trying to be so "okay," with all of it that I would not have really let myself feel all the hard stuff....and for me that usually means when I least expect it, it comes out sideways.
I also feel like for me when I was in the midst of this I was trying to hard to "fix," my relationship that I never really gave myself the space to ask if that was what was best for me. I had a lot of reasons why I wanted to keep the relationship but in retrospect I still had myself on the bottom of the self-care list with my husband's needs and the needs of the relationships above myself.
It was my husband's affair that finally got me dealing with the big elephant that had been in the room, addiction.
I don't know if there is a correlation between alcohol and affairs but I do know this. Both topics made ME nuts in similar ways. Desperately trying to manage and control and set the scenario so he would have a "perfect" life and not need to drink or engage in an affair.
Reading both your posts today felt familiar to me. I suspect I would have been trying to be so "okay," with all of it that I would not have really let myself feel all the hard stuff....and for me that usually means when I least expect it, it comes out sideways.
I also feel like for me when I was in the midst of this I was trying to hard to "fix," my relationship that I never really gave myself the space to ask if that was what was best for me. I had a lot of reasons why I wanted to keep the relationship but in retrospect I still had myself on the bottom of the self-care list with my husband's needs and the needs of the relationships above myself.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Letting go and moving ahead has it's own timing. No wrong or right answer, simply "what's healthy for me today?"
Creating safe, nurturing space around us, emotionally and physically, allows healing.
How that looks does change, as everything in life is constantly changing. More options appear.
Grateful for cell phones. Grateful for healing.
#thankyougod #lifeisgood
Creating safe, nurturing space around us, emotionally and physically, allows healing.
How that looks does change, as everything in life is constantly changing. More options appear.
Grateful for cell phones. Grateful for healing.
#thankyougod #lifeisgood
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Join Date: Dec 2014
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Originally Posted by LovePeaceSushi
(An extra $120/year is cheaper than 1 hour of a good therapist!)
If phones and internet were where they are now, I'd have had a 'child lock' on my daughter's phone 100%! 
I heard it once said that; women get more 'pissed' over an emotional affair and men get more 'pissed' about a physical one. **I** do think that is true to an extent. Either way..do what YOU need to do to be comfortable in your life.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
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My AW had an emotional affair with her boss - I knew it, voiced my opinions about it, but I had met the guy (not as cute as me!!) and was secretly hoping they would run off together and leave me and DS to enjoy a alcohol-free life. Then AW got fired from her job because HIS wife found out and said she was going to ruin him if he continued, so it stopped. Boss's wife also had a pending large inheritance that he would not been part of, that was a major driving force.
So, I'm on the side of not being obsessed and pretty much letting it go - though it will be one of the reasons for the divorce.
So, I'm on the side of not being obsessed and pretty much letting it go - though it will be one of the reasons for the divorce.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 573
Originally Posted by DontRemember
Wait..So..just because she chooses to stay with a guy that cheated you expect that guy to stick around, while constantly being reminded of what he's owned up to?..Really? that's insane to me. If either party is unhappy..leave.
Edit: as an aside; I've never cheated in a relationship,but have been cheated on. I knew when was when and didn't feel the need nor want to use the energy to 'punish' someone. Again..that seems crazy to me and I don't do crazy. That "permanent consequence" is a simple ......GOODBYE.
Edit: as an aside; I've never cheated in a relationship,but have been cheated on. I knew when was when and didn't feel the need nor want to use the energy to 'punish' someone. Again..that seems crazy to me and I don't do crazy. That "permanent consequence" is a simple ......GOODBYE.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I NEED to let this go. I've spent countless hours trying to find her picture on the internet (she only posts pictures of her dog on FB).
And for as long as you continue to compare yourself to the person he cheated on you with and obsess about her, you will continue to hold onto this.
He cheated because of his issues, you hold onto it because of yours. Blocking her number gives you a false sense of control over this long running situation they had together.
Trust takes time to build, a moment to shatter and a lifetime to re-build. It's not easy and most people cannot truly forgive such betrayal. Everybody has a “deal breaker” when it comes to relationships, figuring out what that is for you might help you with moving “yourself” forward.
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