OJ12

Hi All,

This is my first post, so here we go.....

I've found myself in a very scary place this last week due to a cocaine relapse. I struggled with substance abuse a few months ago for a short period before my second daughter was born, and I've been working on this and a lot of other things with a counsellor. I'm also on Citalopram for the depression and anxiety it caused. The end of this period of my life was hell, I was in a very very bad place mentally and had a breakdown which with counselling, exercise and medication I started to recover well from, until the start of the week that is.

For a reason unbeknownst to me, I used cocaine and alcohol again on Tues and Weds, only in a very small amount and then threw the majority of it away as I quickly realised what I had done.

I'm now stuck in a cycle of extreme panic, anxiety, guilt and shame which is leading to lots of awful suicidal thoughts and just general extreme sadness and worthlessness.

I am so angry as I had worked so hard to get to this point and I feel I'm now stuck like this and this is the end of the road.

Any advice would be truly welcome.

Thanks
OJ

MythOfSisyphus

Welcome to SR, OJ12! I'm glad you found us here. Most of us know the familiar cycle; relapse, remorse & regret, shame, etc. Shame was the catalyst for many people getting sober, but as you probably realize shame eventually wears off. So we need more than just shame to quit for good.

I realize your relapse has you feeling low but let's first look at the positives. You instantly realized you made a mistake and threw the rest away. That's great! Ideally you wouldn't have done any at all but think how much worse things would be if you'd have simply spiraled back down into a massive binge. So show yourself some kindness; try to learn from this but don't beat yourself up.

The past is fixed, nothing we can do will change it. But we can learn from it. Let this be your last Day One!

This is not the end of the road! It's important to keep in mind that this darkness can and will pass, and the sun will shine again.

OJ12

Thank you so much for your kind post, it really does mean an awful lot to me, and to hear from other people who have been through the same thing helps massively. I've decided that I am going to start the 12 step programme next week as I know I need the support of others in recovery to really make a sustained change.

One thing that i'm really struggling with is the fact I have lied to my wife about all of this, she doesn't know that I've had struggles with drugs. I've chosen not to tell her as she has made it clear that if she caught me using she would leave with the kids immediately. I've spoken to my therapist about this and she has said that I need to learn how to forgive myself, something that doesn't come naturally to me.

I just hope the panic, anxiety and awful thoughts die down quickly as they completely take over and render me almost completely useless.

Thanks so much
OJ

D122y

Oj,

Hi!

Before I found this site, I didn't know about the brain damage drugs and booze cause.

The crave is for the rest of our lives.

The crazy thoughts, depression etc. get better but it is slow. I think moment by moment incremental healing that takes years to stabilize.

Relapse resets the clock.

The end game if I can't quit is drug aided early demise mixed with drug aided insanity.

I call quitting growing up. As adults we know we can't get everything we want.

Drugs and booze are some of those things. I must suffer through.

It gets easier, but them crave looms. It is patient and it is there for life.

Thanks.

OJ12

Thanks D122y, I have come to terms with the fact that this is a lifelong challenge, I'm just struggling to get over the first hurdle at the moment which is forgiving the past so I can accept the future. Off to see my therapist now which will hopefully give me an hour of being able to open up properly which should give me a little relief.

Thanks
OJ

OJ12

So it was good to open up about my problems to my therapist, but an hour later the guilt and shame have completely taken over and i'm back in the panic/anxiety state that we all hate so much. My head is telling me i'm stuck here, with no way forward. Is this because things are so fresh and with time I will heal if I put the effort in? I'm too scared to even leave the house at the moment and i'm worried its going to impact my work. I really don't know what to do next

Anna

It is hard to begin to forgive yourself. Keep in mind that forgiving yourself doesn't mean forgetting what happened. It simply means putting down the burden and beginning to move forward with your life.

I think it's important to figure out why you made that choice on Tuesday and Wednesday. Then, you may be able to come up with a plan as to how to avoid another relapse.

OJ12

Thank you Anna, I totally agree with you. I started to work on that with my therapist today. I am going to go to a 12 step meeting this weekend as I feel I need to be surrounded by people who have more experience than me so I can be guided through my recovery and not just try and do it myself as this always fails in the end. I really appreciate you responding, it gives me a little bit of hope that I can recover

Thanks
OJ

PhoenixJ

OJ12- no, not the end. Another pathway, another neural connection, another learning experience. I get the absolute all-or-nothing thinking, I do that- but look at your experience as just that- you did not radically damage yourself- and certainly all the hard work you have done is not for nothing. You got this.
A line from a Batman movie- What do we do when we fall down? We get up, dust ourselves off- and keep going.
Support to you.

Dee74

Hi Oj - welcome

Its my experience that it's not a life long struggle - neural pathways repair themselves - other parts of the brain learn to take over...we grow and we change...

I can never drink or drug again, and I have to stay vigilant - but it's not an ordeal to live my life

Being clean and sober is a wonderful experience

Have faith you're on the right road - and anxirety and panic will subside and you will start to feel better.

You will be able to rebuild your life and mend fences - so long as you leave that old life behind

There's tons of support here

D

OJ12

Thanks Phoenix and Dee, wonderful messages to wake upto this morning! I'm off to my first AA meeting this morning, and I shall take your positive words along with me! I'm still riddled with dreadful anxiety about my life being over but I need to remember I've been here before and things do get better, not easy to keep at the forefront of your mind when you're so anxious but I will persevering.

I hope you all have wonderful days

thanks
OJ

ChloeRose63

Stay with us, OJ.
Together we are stronger!

MythOfSisyphus

Not an end but a beginning, OJ12.