How do you deal with the shame?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2018
Posts: 591
How do you deal with the shame?
Hi all,
i want to be positive and hopeful, but on day 3 the shame when I hear how I acted last Friday is taking me to a really sad place. I want to change my name, hair color, move town, etc. How do we deal with extreme shame early in recovery? I can’t believe what I’m hearing about myself. Thanks for any replies, this is a tough one for me.
i want to be positive and hopeful, but on day 3 the shame when I hear how I acted last Friday is taking me to a really sad place. I want to change my name, hair color, move town, etc. How do we deal with extreme shame early in recovery? I can’t believe what I’m hearing about myself. Thanks for any replies, this is a tough one for me.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 446
‘It is what is is, and we are where we are’. Don’t look back, what’s done is done. Don’t pick up that first drink, focus on your recovery and try every day to be a better version of yourself! Take action and the shame will go away. Best of luck!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 280
Time heals....each day take the next step and a positive action toward recovery. I’ve been through it as most of us have. It seems like every day drags on with shame. The quicker you start taking steps in the right direction the faster the days go! Bye bye shame
It takes time to forgive yourself. Be as kind to yourself as you would be to a good friend. Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,493
I felt the same way and it was so hard for me. I felt like I had completely lost myself and that the pain would last forever. But, you can get through it. You can begin to forgive yourself, and I don't mean acting as if it didn't happen, I mean putting down the burden of shame so you can move on. You can begin to accept what happened and then to move forward, knowing that you will never have another day like that. You can show people that you are changing. Focus on getting better and things will be fine
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 604
All good advice, particularly in being kind to yourself.
Actually, you hit on something I'd like to propose to yourself - change some things about you for the sake of self-care, a new hairdo or hair color might inspire you? Or join a gym if you have the desire to get fit, take a class or two in your community that you've always been interested in learning (art? foreign language? something work-related that will look good on your resume?) It's a great time for a new beginning! Make this transformation count! You can be a new awesome self. Just start living fully. Very best wishes to you my dear.
Actually, you hit on something I'd like to propose to yourself - change some things about you for the sake of self-care, a new hairdo or hair color might inspire you? Or join a gym if you have the desire to get fit, take a class or two in your community that you've always been interested in learning (art? foreign language? something work-related that will look good on your resume?) It's a great time for a new beginning! Make this transformation count! You can be a new awesome self. Just start living fully. Very best wishes to you my dear.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: France
Posts: 3,040
The way I see things is, that is not the real person that’s the drink, we would never do those things sober, the amount of times I’ve changed hair colour etc in the hope no one would recognise me, give yourself a break, the more sober time and it will change for the better, good luck
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2018
Posts: 591
Yes I’ve considered drastically changing my hair color and cutting it off. However, I don’t have money for it. I drank all my money away. But on the first i will get back into yoga. And for my 4 week reward, I will get a hair cut and some highlights/ lowlights as a reward. I’ve never been to this point of changing my look. I will face it, if anyone brings up my past actions I’m going to say “I was very drunk and I feel very embarrassed” I won’t say I quit or I’m getting better, I’ll SHOW them I quit drinking and I’m getting better. Look out world, day 4 and feeling hopeful. I really have done amazing things in the past when I’ve got a lot of sober time in, I went through a lot of rough times and didn’t make them worse by drinking. I’m on a high horse now because no one mentioned my mistakes today.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 604
That's it! Look your best, feel better, stay off the poison, turn your life around! Show those who witnessed you that you have put this behind you and do that. Become an amazing example by the way you go forward. Congratulations on day 4!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2018
Location: Farmington New Mexico
Posts: 8
One of the things that the members of my local aa group told me when I first started into my sobriety was that no one is perfect and we have all done something we feel shame for. I thought the things I had done were the end of my social existence. They said there is no story that they hadn’t heard and it probably wasn’t the worst. It made me mad at first because how would they know what I did. The more I thought about it however the more I started to realize that they were absolutely right. It’s a learning moment for us as addicts. It’s the beginning of our understanding of the evils of alcohol. Use these moments as a motivation but don’t dwell on them. We can’t let these instances eat us up. We live and learn and then we are the better for it. Stay strong and keep going. If no one has told you yet today know that I love you and I have faith in you.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,416
Hi JCMart
at some point I think we have to accept that the past is closed to us - it's done - we can't change it.
There's a lot we can do with our todays tho - and it would be a shame to miss those todays cos we were looking backwards
When I stopped drinking I left that all encompassing pervasive shame behind - you can too
D
at some point I think we have to accept that the past is closed to us - it's done - we can't change it.
There's a lot we can do with our todays tho - and it would be a shame to miss those todays cos we were looking backwards
When I stopped drinking I left that all encompassing pervasive shame behind - you can too
D
Member
Join Date: Oct 2018
Posts: 54
I think it might also be helpful to realize that people don't think about you as much as you think they do. To a large extent, everybody is all wrapped up in their own life too much to devote a lot of time thinking about what somebody else did.
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