intimacy and marriage issues
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2018
Posts: 1
intimacy and marriage issues
Hello All!
So I have been married to an acoa for many years, throughout that time I have always known my wife's father was an alcoholic and indeed died from the condition when she was a young adult. Just recently I seem to have had what I think is a "lightbulb" moment. After many attempts of trying to help save our marriage over the years (without realizing acoa might be part of it), I cant remember why I got thinking about her being an acoa, looked it up and well, I think some of the answers lay there. For sure we are both to blame for our troubles and I certainly have my own issues adding to the problems but I have one main question I would like advice with.
Before looking up ACOA I had decided to talk to her about us going to marriage counselling, a last hope as all my previous attempts have failed. But now I don't know how to go forward. Should I go ahead as planned (ignore/keep quiet about my suspicions that being acoa has contributed) or should I go and seek some professional help first and without her?
You see, due to the many years of mistrust, rejection, lack of intimacy, sex life problems, I have become quite unsure of myself. I have my own issues (anxiety, rejection issues, etc). the problem is I don't feel I can see the wood for the trees! I am very confused and concerned I might be trying to deflect the problems from me to her.
Part of me thinks go seek some help and advice, clear my head, get me sorted then part of thinks we should just do this together and the therapist would/should pick up on the issues anyway regardless of "blame".
The third option, speaking to her direct about the acoa first I am fairly certain is a complete no, she will just see it as me attacking her. Right? Keep quiet and seek help, but together or me first?
Many thanks for reading and any replies and advice is really appreciated.
So I have been married to an acoa for many years, throughout that time I have always known my wife's father was an alcoholic and indeed died from the condition when she was a young adult. Just recently I seem to have had what I think is a "lightbulb" moment. After many attempts of trying to help save our marriage over the years (without realizing acoa might be part of it), I cant remember why I got thinking about her being an acoa, looked it up and well, I think some of the answers lay there. For sure we are both to blame for our troubles and I certainly have my own issues adding to the problems but I have one main question I would like advice with.
Before looking up ACOA I had decided to talk to her about us going to marriage counselling, a last hope as all my previous attempts have failed. But now I don't know how to go forward. Should I go ahead as planned (ignore/keep quiet about my suspicions that being acoa has contributed) or should I go and seek some professional help first and without her?
You see, due to the many years of mistrust, rejection, lack of intimacy, sex life problems, I have become quite unsure of myself. I have my own issues (anxiety, rejection issues, etc). the problem is I don't feel I can see the wood for the trees! I am very confused and concerned I might be trying to deflect the problems from me to her.
Part of me thinks go seek some help and advice, clear my head, get me sorted then part of thinks we should just do this together and the therapist would/should pick up on the issues anyway regardless of "blame".
The third option, speaking to her direct about the acoa first I am fairly certain is a complete no, she will just see it as me attacking her. Right? Keep quiet and seek help, but together or me first?
Many thanks for reading and any replies and advice is really appreciated.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 681
This sounds insane, but I thought I got through my childhood with an alcoholic mom pretty much unscathed. I had a few issues, nothing big, I was one of the lucky ones. Then my alcoholic husband got sober and for whatever reason, it all hit the fan. I had issues and problems, big ones, that I never connected to being an ACOA. My point is, she genuinely may have no idea. I would talk with your therapist first to find out a gentle way to suggest it to her. In order for her to be happy in marriage, she needs to be happy and well adjusted within herself first. Kudos to you for working so hard to save your marriage!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 6
I would get as much support for yourself first around these issues, such as individual therapy and Al-Anon, for you to feel grounded in what these issues are. When you feel like you are taking care of yourself and have a good understanding of what an ACOA is, you will feel more confident in approaching her. Sometimes taking it slow and timing things well can make a big difference.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
