retswerb

I first posted here 7 years ago. So sad that I'm still in the same (ok- worse) spot with my AH after all this time. In the past 6 months his health has really declined. He was high functioning for a very long time but those days appear to be over. He has missed a ton of work and they have been extremely patient with him. It was "suggested" by his manager that he take a medical leave and get things under control. So he made the arrangements to go to rehab. He lasted 10 hours before walking out. Now I'm fairly certain he is going to lose his job. After he left rehab, I asked him what the plan was, he said he didn't know. Today I asked again (one week later) "what is the plan?" Again, he doesn't know. So I'm trying really hard to make my own plan, to let him do his thing and stay out of it, but what he does and doesn't do impacts the whole family. Is it enabling if you are really trying to protect yourself, not them?

dandylion

retswerb…...the way I see it...if the boundary is to protect your own welfare, then I don't think it is enabling.....
Could you, perhaps, give an example of the kind of thing you are talking about?

retswerb

the first that always challenges me, is buying booze for him. He will do it for himself, but he will go to the closest store and pay way more than if I go to the liquor store and buy it. My gut says I shouldn't be doing that for him, but at the volume he drinks, it saves us hundreds of dollars a month if I do it.
The second one right now has to do with the paper work for his LOA. I don't think he read / understands how it works and if I don't call it to his attention and make sure he handles it correctly, he will for sure get fired. Part of me feels like he deserves to get fired, it's his job to read the policy, but if he gets fired I will have to take on the role of sole supporter of our family on top of everything else. I'm not so blind to think he won't lose his job eventually. But it will buy me some time.

dandylion

I see what you mean....that is a toughie. But, if finances are an issue and you have decided to stay with the marriage...then I suppose you are taking the right route, as I see it....Does he live close enough for him to take a cab or uber to the liquor store? Even with the cost of the cab...it still might be cheaper. He is taking a big risk of an accident or DUI...so, his getting a ride, might be safer.
Another route might be for you to control the money (with his agreement)...and, give him only enough to cover the liquor store costs.....

As for the paper work...I see no problem with you helping him, since the income affects all of the family.

One thing that I would like to mention, since I am a medical person and have detoxed hundreds of alcoholics....at his level, going cold turkey would not ever be a good idea. The risk of withdrawl symptoms within a number of hours is to be expected. that is very dangerous and can have serious consequences...plus, the discomfort is so intense, that he will have powerful motivation to drink...to keep the withdrawl away. I am wondering if that could have been a factor for him to leave rehab, at 10 hours?
I suggest that detox...then rehab, if the rehab place does not to the medical detox in their own facility....
Just so you know....

retswerb

sorry - I should have said, the rehab offered medical detox. He just didn't feel like they were doing enough to help him. They didn't give him the meds HE thought he needed, they gave him what they thought he needed. They didn't check on him often enough, though it sounds like he interacted with the nursing staff repeatedly in those 10 hours. Generally he didn't feel like he was being taken care of, and I know he was very very scared. He was pretty convinced he was going to die there. I am fully aware of how risky detox is for someone like him. I am also aware of how risky continuing to drink is. It's kind of a no win situation, for everyone.

MCESaint

I get where you're coming from - and Dandylion has a point (you're protecting yourself too by filing out the LoA forms, etc.

But, I'm just going to relay this one anecdote - take if for what it's worth.

In March 2018, my AW left work and went to the ER of a local hospital. They admitted her and were treating her for medical detox. Things went really haywire and she was in ICU for 10 days, followed by step down unit and, effentually, 2 weeks in a skilled nursing facility.

Who took care of getting all the LoA, FMLA, and Disability paperwork filled out and filed for her job?

Me.

Two weeks after returning to her job - ya know, the same job I made sure all the paperwork got filed properly and on time to keep her from losing -

She QUIT.

Sooooo..... just be prepared that no matter what you do FOR your AH, it all may come to nothing, because you can't control HIS job or whether he even wants it anymore.

MCE Saint

dandylion

Yeah, it does sound like he was responding to the fear....
If he should want to go again, in the future, maybe an in hospital detox might be a better fit for him....th en, off to rehab...then, sober living place for him....

retswerb

Thanks MCESaint,

I do realize it is likely all for nothing. He really doesn't want his job. He claims he hates it. I just wanted to buy more time. But waiting around for the bottom to drop out isn't fun either. The writing is on the wall, I just need to accept it and figure out how to move forward.

retswerb

Thanks Dandylion,


Definitely a lot of fear and anxiety. Not sure how to approach a hospital detox, this facility is where his PC doc recommended. Should he go back to her and ask for a different recommendation? Right now, he is pretty certain he isn't willing to try it again but maybe in time he'll change his mind.

dandylion

retswerb, I am pretty sure that any medical doctor will be willing to recommend a hospital or medical setting for a detox. I am guessing that you need a referral for insurance purposes...? Short of that, some doctors will agree to examine the patient and supervise an in-home detox (if they thing the patient can tolerate it)….they will give medication to cover the withdrawl, and give instructions for a responsible person to stay with the person...usually a close family member or trusted friend.
As with any detox, it is important for the person to go to a rehab...or, some sort of program, right after....AA can be the program, also. 90 meetings in 90 days is the classic rule of thumb, around recovery circles....
If he is scared to see the doctor about this...you can go with him, to the doctor and both of you can discuss the plan with the doctor.

maia1234

R,
You have been around this forum since 2011. You know this disease is progressive and will get worse. He is telling you that he is not willing to go to rehab, he is showing you that he doesn't care about his job. "Special Snowflake" doesn't like how he is being treated in Rehab. He is being treated no different then any other addict . Either way it is going to wind up on your shoulders. He will become an at home drunk that doesn't work. This is your future, If you want to or not you are going to be the breadwinner in the family.

What are you doing for you? Are you attending any alanon or open aa meetings. Do you have time to seek a therapist? You are seeing the writing on the wall of you future with this man.

There is a lot of support for us codies, if you want to do the work. I am sorry for being tough on you, but you see where this is going. You can get off the crazy train if you choose too!! Hugs to you!!

FeelingGreat

hi Retswerb, it sounds like things are coming to a head with his work, health and mentally.

Do you have a plan and contingencies in place for if/when he loses his job, or becomes too disabled by alcohol to work? I am talking about a financial plan, housing, your capacity to become the provider. You can't do much to make him sober, but you can control your own actions, and it will give you back some power.

Other posters have addressed the idea of looking after yourself; my thoughts are a form of this, only centred around the more practical aspects. I suggest you put aside as much as you can spare as a back-up. You might want to seek legal and financial advice as well so you're ready when he falls apart.

PhoenixJ

Enabling is where a person HELPS another with their addiction, not necessarily thinking they are.
Looking after yourself and your family is NOT enabling. You need to continue to live and cannot spend your life just being there for someone who keeps destroying themselves.
I speak from the heart and experience- as I was the one who kept drinking and did destroy myself- being dead 3 times from burns. Stay safe and I would suggest see about some support for you. Al- anon is a good support network - for example.

AnvilheadII

i think you need to take your focus off of HIM, what he will do or not do. his drinking is a well known and well defined issues. time to look at worst case scenarios and what that means for you.

if he becomes unemployed, can you afford to keep things afloat?
have you been to an attorney, have you considered the option of divorce? legal separation (if allowed in your state/country?).

he is not likely to seize recovery with both hands, commit his life to staying sober forever and magically transform into a plugged in partner, a reliable source of income and support, and someone who puts the needs of others first. as you said, you have seven years of actions to study. and learn from.

retswerb

Thank you all for your input. In the short term, yes, I can keep us afloat for a while, with some modifications to our lifestyle. I have a good job, all our benefits are through me and I already do almost everything to keep the household running. It is mainly the security of the second income, the ability to save adequately for the future and the extras that are at risk. I consider myself lucky in that regard.

I am starting to try to carve out a bit of room for me. I attended my first al-anon meeting last week and am trying my best at "detaching", though that seems impossible when if feels like he is clinging to me for dear life. I am at odds with myself daily about if I am doing the right thing by staying. I can see all the logical reasons to extricate myself and my daughter from this very unhealthy situation, yet can't seem to bring myself to do it.

trailmix

Sometimes it's helpful to actually examine why that is. Why can't you "bring" yourself to do it?

- Fear he will spiral
- Fear of the unknown (ie: being a single parent)
- Comfort with where you are at financially and not wanting to give up that comfort and financial security
-Sense of responsibility to keep the family unit together, regardless of level of dysfunction
-Not sure where you stand legally with custody etc

Now of course, these are just examples and none of them may apply to you, I don't know, but it can help to write out what your actual concerns are.

Once you have identified them you can break them down. This doesn't mean you will fix them all and you and your child will bolt out the door. What it does mean is that there isn't some vague idea that you are stuck or unable to leave, if that is what you choose to do. That might be a separation, it might mean living apart for a month or a divorce, depends what you decide.

Looking at the whole thing as one big "issue" is totally overwhelming I think, breaking it down in to manageable pieces makes it actually something you can address.

Unsure where you stand legally, visit a divorce lawyer, some even offer free consultations and see what's what.

Not sure what you would actually have to do financially? Downsizing your home etc? Do a budget with just your earnings, it might not be as bad as you think.

Feel some vague responsibility to keep the family unit in place? Read up on how children are affected by growing up in a household with an alcoholic.

None of these need to lead you out the door but at least you have facts. For instance while you might not want to leave, learning about adult children of alcoholics might help you to find counselling for your child now, that kind of thing.

Anyway, just some thoughts.

atalose

trailmix asks some good questions for you to think about on why you can’t bring yourself to leave an unhealthy situation.

How about asking yourself some questions on what exactly are the situations that are unhealthy for you and your daughter at this point in time?

Sometimes putting it all down on paper instead of having it roll around and around in our heads helps us see things a bit clearer.

retswerb

It's interesting atalose, you mention asking myself why the situation is unhealthy for us, which is one of the first thing that comes to mind when I think of trying to answer trailmix's question. I'm afraid he's right and I'm making it into a big deal. Maybe it's not that unhealthy. Maybe it's not so bad. I am nearly positive this is twisted thinking but I get tripped up by it all the time. So I will try to answer your question first.

It's unhealthy because I feel like our lives revolve around his drinking and his moods. Because I worry daily that DD is going to come home and find him dead. Because he will rage at me if I set him off, yelling and slamming doors at all hours of the night, not willing to let me sleep until he runs out of steam. Because no matter how awful that is for me, I can't imagine how horrible it is to grow up in a house where that goes on. Because I allow my daughter to hide herself in her room most of the time just so she can stay out of his path. It's unhealthy because I feel like there is no room for me. I feel suffocated by his needs.

trailmix

Well I can tell you because I did. Any fear you feel, any trepidation when it's time for him to come home and he's late, the sinking feeling in your stomach when you hear the car in the driveway, it's the same for a child.

For a child the only thing between them and the drunk is the sober parent.

The difference between you and the child in the house is that you get to make decisions. In theory you could say tomorrow, well I've had quite enough of being yelled at and walking on eggshells and having my life center around alcohol/alcoholism so I'm going to pack my bag, walk out that door and get in my car and find myself a new place to live.

You have the power to do that, right now, tomorrow, next week. A child is simply at the mercy of the parents.

My Mother didn't leave my Father until I was a teenager (for financial reasons). I don't blame her at all, but growing up in that environment does affect you, as a child and as an adult. Her "normal" is not normal! When some guy yells at her she isn't going to react with OMG I can't believe he did that! She might be hurt but she won't run far far away. That's just one example.

If you do decide to stay, please get your child in to counselling. She is going to need it.

trailmix

You are 100% correct, it is not clear thinking and here is why.

It's about perspective. For your Husband is there really a problem here? He wants to drink and he does, he gets roaring drunk and comes home and screams at you until he has vented all his frustration on you. That's handy.

He has a child that stays out of the way so he doesn't have to look at the sadness on her face while he abuses you, that's also handy.

He has a wife who pretty much takes care of everything, has a good job, benefits and that allows him to have a comfortable lifestyle as well.

So what exactly is the downside for him? I mean he may want to quit drinking and is struggling with that and whatnot, but truly, from a lifestyle/relationship point of view, why would he have a problem with it?

So he looks at you and thinks wth is she on about, I'M GOOD with this.

He is not seeing your perspective or the perspective of your child at all. Bottom line, you can't listen to that and take it to heart. He is looking out for two things here, alcohol and himself.