Sasha1972

I am getting texts from ex about wanting Kid to come to his place after school today. She was there yesterday and Friday. She did not look enthusiastic either time. Ex does not do anything about getting her there and back so I had to drive her there and then pick her up. She said nothing to me today about wanting or planning to see her dad after school again. My read is that this is not about ex wanting to see more of his daughter, it’s about getting me to Do Things.

The substance of his texts is:

I am a terrible parent.
Kid is very angry at me and hates me.
My lawyer is incompetent.
Even though my lawyer is incompetent, he still hates me too.
I am going to be destroyed in court by ex’s lawyer (who finished law school a few months ago and is literally the least experienced family lawyer within a hundred miles).

I am trying not to get triggered by:

Making sure that I’m acting within our court order (I am).
Turning off notifications for messages so I don’t have this crap popping up on my laptop when I need to work.
Doing something semi-creative and enjoyable (organizing a ********** presentation for work - it’s nerdy but I like it).
Reminding myself that fish gotta swim, birds gotta fly, and alcoholics gotta rage, blame and lie.
Planning to go for a long run tonight.

trailmix

When I first read this I thought he was saying this about himself then upon review realized he is saying this about you.

You are spot on, he is just trying to get you to do things and his texts are horribly destructive to you.

While you can try (and possibly succeed) to find your mental balance in this craziness, I don't know why you are? You should not, in my opinion, put up with this for one more minute.

You know how they have apps where you can get a message a day - happy messages, self empowering messages, whatever. There is a reason why people subscribe and that is because it puts them on a great footing for the day or they enjoy starting their day with a positive reinforcement.

Think of your ex's texts as the opposite. You are being inundated by negative feedback, even one text a day like this is horrible.

Personally? I would say no more texts, none. All communication will now be by email and can only relate to visitation. If he crosses that boundary I would remind him each and every time.

The only exception, of course, would be if your Daughter needs to be picked up at a different time than planned.

You are his text punching bag Sasha. You don't deserve that.

FireSprite

You're exactly right Sasha - he's spewing all over you but it's just a bunch of word vomit. Don't rise to his bait - you've got this.

SparkleKitty

Wow I am dying to know what presentation you are working on that warrants such censorship on SR!!

hopeful4

I LOVE this. Please do make it a series. We all have anxieties that are in our lives, I think it really helps to hear what other people are doing for themselves and the methods they use.

GOOD FOR YOU FRIEND!

Sasha1972

I’ve been advised by my lawyer not to block him entirely, because that potentially makes me look “adversarial”, and I have to keep looking like the sane, reasonable one. All I can do is turn off notifications.

This stuff does make me feel like a cross between a punching bag and a garbage disposal.

As for what kind of presentation I’m working on - I thought it was funny that SR blocked it! (Probably because it’s a trademarked name - rhymes with, um, jower-joint, and it’s for a seminar later this week).

greeteachday

I had to try because that seemed so weird. Apparently if you enter it as two separate words, it is okay

two words Power Point
one word **********

PS - You are doing awesome!!

Sasha1972

I just checked my text messages and there's a rant from ex ending with "I'm looking forward to you paying my lawyer!" (implying he will take me to court over SoberLink testing and have costs awarded against me). I am resisting the urge to respond:

a) "Since you have a court order against you for $31 000 in unpaid child support and you've been suspended (again) from SoberLink for nonpayment, I can understand why you would like me to pay your lawyer. Unfortunately I won't be able to oblige".
b) "Given that you can't seem to manage to blow into a plastic tube, I am not worried about your ability to mount a compelling argument in court".
c) "I'm sure your lawyer wishes that someone other than you were paying her too".

trailmix

Your replies are great Sasha, even if you can't send them!

FeelingGreat

Sasha although many of your posts relate even more outrageous behaviour by your ex, I still find them entertaining. You have the best sense of dark humour and he has obviously taken up permanent residence on Planet Delusion.

No advice; I think you have the situation well in hand.

Cyranoak

I'm not a lawyer but adversarial is active, and blocking him is passive.
I would bet the bank he would not have said that to me. You are under no obligation to listen to his quacking.

As to your daughter, his real victim, please consider doing anything you can to keep him away from her while not endangering your long game. Nothing good comes of children being with active alcoholic parents. Nothing.

Nothing.

Good luck.

CentralOhioDad

I agree!! I don't know how you've kept your sanity as long as you have, Sasha!!

COD

Sasha1972

The long game is tricky. I can't do what I really want to do, which is to never let Kid anywhere near her father again. If I'm too overtly oppositional, I push Kid right into ex's alcoholic triangle ("Dad and Kid vs Mean Mommy") and set him up as the victim ("I'm so sad when your mom won't let you come and see me ... I bet you hate your mom too, right?"). Kid is pretty savvy but ex is a master manipulator (he had me going for decades, and I'm very far from dumb). Kid is also heading into the teen years when defying parental authority (i.e. me) becomes attractive, especially if she's being cheered on by her "outlaw", "rebel" dad. So I have to be long-term strategic.

One thing AlAnon has taught me is to not be in a rush to find solutions or to "fix things". Ex is carrying on about how he is going to have his day in court, he's going to "demolish" me before the law, etc etc. A couple of years ago I would have been freaking out and trying to cobble together some kind of solution that he might agree to, just to get the matter resolved (at least until the next alcoholic crisis). Now my attitude is more - okay, do what you have to do and book a court date. Oh look at that, the next available date is ten months from now. I guess we'll wait a long time to resolve this.

I am thinking that every month that goes by is another month in which Kid gets older and more able to make informed decisions for herself about her relationship with her father, another month in which she has only limited exposure to a mentally ill alcoholic and his meth-addict girlfriend, and another month towards the moment at the bottom of the downward spiral when ex either gets his act together and gets help (I still have a little bit of hope for that), or falls apart completely and exits my life.

LLLisa

I remember when these kinds of texts would both enrage and frustrate the hell out of me! I used to think that he was right. That somehow he WOULD manage to do all the awful things he threatened me with. I'd lie awake worrying about what I would do when he "won". Of course, all of these threats came to nothing because they were baseless. All they did was start me doing codie stuff like defending, justifying etc. In time, I learned that doing NOTHING and not responding was best because his threats were empty.

Continue to ignore the threats and accusations. You're going great!

hopeful4

These are very wise words! Sasha, you are an excellent mom! Thank you for sharing on this forum, you have been a HUGE motivation to me, and I know many others!

CentralOhioDad

I've been following your ways of dealing with things - you are an inspiration!!

FireSprite

Just continued support & respect from me too Sasha - your situation is so incredibly challenging & such a long game that it spins my head.

And you're right about that teenaged stuff - mine isn't snarky or rabid or unhappy & we STILL have challenging moments/days. Life gets challenging for them & they come out sideways sometimes even without additional pressures like mental illness & addiction.

One day your daughter is going to look at you & say, "Thank you Mom - for all those hard years".